Terrible break up with my gf - Mentally ill?

[LiakosN]

Hey guys! Hope you are doing fine!
I had a terrible break almost two months ago. Meaning my girlfriend was physically violent to me. So I had to end the relationship.
At first, she had a good behavior towards me. After 3 months the behavior changed a bit. I told her that I want an exclusive relationship with her and she told me that she wanted an open relationship. Well, this kind of... "relationship" lasted 4,5 years. We lived for 10 months at the same place (different houses) and the rest from distance. During this period, she broke up with me via a phone call telling me that: I don't want to talk to you anymore. Then after 6 months she texted me asking how am I doing. Long story short we got "back together". Oh, btw, she was telling me that I am a liar, I am fearful, I am a chameleon, I do not have my own opinion, I don't have dynamism. Despite all these, she said that she stayed with me because I have other good features of character. She was often angry and I was feeling like I was walking next to eggshells, afraid of breaking them. She told me that she could love me, but not fall in love with me and even that we do not match romantically. She told me I am a narcissist.

Last time we met she told me that she wanted to be with me but I am not acting right towards her. We had a terrible fight because she thought to I was seeing other girls (I did not). She left from my home, and I went to find her. I was trying to tell her to come home to sleep, because it was cold and rainy outside. She refused and then I left after 20 minutes. Then she phone called me and said that I abandoned her. I went back and picked her with my car. Then in my home as I was trying to sleep she was turning the lights on and off and when I told her I will lock my bedroom door, she hit me. She told me that I should be embarrassed that a woman hit me. After she hit me with her fist, then she told me: Did I hurt you? Because, I do not want to feel guilty. She did not even apologize after the event. She did not regret it (she told me)
After all these she told me that she want no contact and that shed would delete me from all social media. But she didn't. Also, she phone called me once to she how am I doing.

I was loosing my mind.

What do you think? Is it possible that she has some kind of mental disorder?

[Batya33]

It doesn't matter if she is mentally ill -she was violent and abusive -all that matters is that you stay away and let her get seen by a doctor if she needs a diagnosis or treatment.  Stay away all together and stay safe.

[Seraphim]

It doesn’t matter what kind of disorder she has. What matters is that you stay gone and never have ANY contact with her at all. She is abusive, period. If you need closure seek a trauma therapist but delving into what she may be is pointless. It is a waste of energy because you won’t change her. 

[bluecastle]

So sorry to hear about this. Hopefully you have a good ground friends, family, and perhaps a therapist to talk to so the trauma of all this doesn't linger long in the marrow. 

As others have said, it really doesn't matter if she has a mental illness. She crossed a number of lines that should be hard and fast dealbreakers, none more glaring than being physically violent with you. That should be your cue to turn the other way, for good, and forever. 

At some point, sooner than later, I think you'll find the most important question here is not what potential demons or illness exist within her but what it is, in you, that made a woman like this so compelling for so long. That's the thing to unlock, so you can chart new course for yourself in the realm of romance and connection. 

[LiakosN]

Maybe it will help me just justify her behavior...

Oh btw, yesterday we talked about what happened. Told her that this event traumatised me and she told me "not even, trauma is something that happened in our childhood" (is that true?). It seemed that it didn't bother her. 

Then she said that she had no regrets for how she acted and what she said because she was fully conscious...

[bluecastle]

Just now, LiakosN said:

Maybe it will help me just justify her behavior...

There is no justification. It's truly that simple.

And per my earlier post, I think what you may mean here is that you're looking for a justification to remain in contact with her, connected to her.

That is your behavior right now, and it's ultimately the only behavior you have any control over. 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, LiakosN said:

Maybe it will help me just justify her behavior...

Oh btw, yesterday we talked about what happened. Told her that this event traumatised me and she told me "not even, trauma is something that happened in our childhood" (is that true?). It seemed that it didn't bother her. 

Then she said that she had no regrets for how she acted and what she said because she was fully conscious...

Please stop communicating and talk to a trusted person -are you part of a church, etc? Or a therapist.  Mental illness doesn't justify violence -it might explain it but regardless why would you want to justify it??

[Wiseman2]

Please step back and reflect if this relationship has gotten too toxic. There's a huge amount of drama and other complications. How old is she? Are you still long distance? Have there been breakups before?

[LiakosN]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

So sorry to hear about this. Hopefully you have a good ground friends, family, and perhaps a therapist to talk to so the trauma of all this doesn't linger long in the marrow. 

As others have said, it really doesn't matter if she has a mental illness. She crossed a number of lines that should be hard and fast dealbreakers, none more glaring than being physically violent with you. That should be your cue to turn the other way, for good, and forever. 

At some point, sooner than later, I think you'll find the most important question here is not what potential demons or illness exist within her but what it is, in you, that made a woman like this so compelling for so long. That's the thing to unlock, so you can chart new course for yourself in the realm of romance and connection. 

I think the fact that she was trying to understand me as a person

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, LiakosN said:

I think the fact that she was trying to understand me as a person

People who want to understand other people treat them with respect. They don't get violent.

[LiakosN]

1 minute ago, bluecastle said:

There is no justification. It's truly that simple.

And per my earlier post, I think what you may mean here is that you're looking for a justification to remain in contact with her, connected to her.

That is your behavior right now, and it's ultimately the only behavior you have any control over. 

 

YES! That is so accurate. 

But not connected with her on a romantic level... It's over because she crossed the boundaries. Maybe as a human connection. She told me that with her "friends" she does not act like this... I like the way we discuss...

 

 

[bluecastle]

1 minute ago, LiakosN said:

I think the fact that she was trying to understand me as a person

From day one you said that you wanted an exclusive relationship. And her understanding of that part of your personhood? It was to insist on an open relationship. 

Later, her understanding of you as a person was that you are a liar, a chameleon, a narcissist. Did hearing that make you feel understood? 

We all walk around with vulnerabilities inside of us. The trick is to understand them so other people can't take advantage of them. My sense is that you could use some help understanding that, and that sadly you have mistaken this woman for someone who can help you. 

What time has shown is that she does the opposite. She hurts you, in every which way possible. 

[LiakosN]

 

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Please stop communicating and talk to a trusted person -are you part of a church, etc? Or a therapist.  Mental illness doesn't justify violence -it might explain it but regardless why would you want to justify it??

No, not part of a church. I have discussed it with many of my friends and relatives. All of them said to stay away from her.. 
I want to justify it so I can forgive...

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please step back and reflect if this relationship has gotten too toxic. There's a huge amount of drama and other complications. How old is she? Are you still long distance? Have there been breakups before?

She is 33 (2 years older than me). We are long distance yes.. There have been a few break ups before, yes!

Yeap it has gone very toxic

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, LiakosN said:

YES! That is so accurate. 

But not connected with her on a romantic level... It's over because she crossed the boundaries. Maybe as a human connection. She told me that with her "friends" she does not act like this... I like the way we discuss...

 

 

Why would you want a friendship with a person who is physically violent with you and doesn't care?

[Seraphim]

So why do you want a toxic abuser in your life ? That is a much better question than what is wrong with her . 

[LiakosN]

6 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

From day one you said that you wanted an exclusive relationship. And her understanding of that part of your personhood? It was to insist on an open relationship. 

Later, her understanding of you as a person was that you are a liar, a chameleon, a narcissist. Did hearing that make you feel understood? 

We all walk around with vulnerabilities inside of us. The trick is to understand them so other people can't take advantage of them. My sense is that you could use some help understanding that, and that sadly you have mistaken this woman for someone who can help you. 

What time has shown is that she does the opposite. She hurts you, in every which way possible. 

She told me that I want her because I want to take advantage of her. And have no feelings whatsoever. And it hurts me to listen to this.. I went to therapy to heal the trauma 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, LiakosN said:

. We are long distance yes.. There have been a few break ups before, yes!Yeap it has gone very toxic

All you can do is take care of yourself. You need to ask yourself why you are in this.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health and get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Discuss the abusive, volatile situation and how you can get a healthier life for yourself rather than this attraction and addiction to drama. So the question isn't what's her mental health problem, the question is what about you?

 

[LiakosN]

 

2 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

So why do you want a toxic abuser in your life ? That is a much better question than what is wrong with her . 

She told me that she doesnt act this way with her friends. So I believe her. Hoping that she would not be abusive. 

[LiakosN]

Oh, by the way one night we were laying on bed together, there was a bird outside singing and she told: I want to kill this bird!
Other things she said

- You are such a giving person and another time - You are stingy

- You are very supportive and another time - You can support me only on practical matters

- I like having sex with you and another time - Sex is 1/10 with you

I told her via phone that I want to hug her and she got angry (because it was not possible to hug her) and after a few minutes she told me that she would like to hug me.

- She blocked me on social and after 2 weeks she unblocked me asking me to wash her clothes.

[Seraphim]

1 minute ago, LiakosN said:

 

She told me that she doesnt act this way with her friends. So I believe her. Hoping that she would not be abusive. 

Who cares how she is to her friends she is an abusive ahole to YOU. That is what should concern you. Stop talking to her and block her everywhere. 

[bluecastle]

Just now, LiakosN said:

She told me that I want her because I want to take advantage of her. And have no feelings whatsoever. And it hurts me to listen to this.

Okay, so once again I ask: Did this make you feel understood? 

Imagine if you were talking about a pet instead of a person. You got a pet because you wanted companionship, something soft to cuddle with. But then the pet destroyed all your furniture and scratched you. You patiently try to understand the pet, find comfort. The pet only gets worse. Everyone you love thinks the pet is bad. Soon the pet is biting you, you are repeatedly going into the emergency room for stitches, and you have never felt worse in your entire life than you do with this pet.

Do you keep the pet?

The answer is probably pretty simple there. As it should be here. That it's not simple is something you need to explore, and get out in front of. You can do it. The first step to that is never speaking to this person again. You can forgive her from the quiet and safety of your own spirit.  

 

[boltnrun]

Hm, you believe a toxic liar when she says she doesn't abuse her friends?

What is missing in your life that you'd want an abusive, toxic liar as a friend?

Let me ask, would YOU ever treat a friend or loved one the way she treats you?

[LiakosN]

11 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Okay, so once again I ask: Did this make you feel understood? 

Imagine if you were talking about a pet instead of a person. You got a pet because you wanted companionship, something soft to cuddle with. But then the pet destroyed all your furniture and scratched you. You patiently try to understand the pet, find comfort. The pet only gets worse. Everyone you love thinks the pet is bad. Soon the pet is biting you, you are repeatedly going into the emergency room for stitches, and you have never felt worse in your entire life than you do with this pet.

Do you keep the pet?

The answer is probably pretty simple there. As it should be here. That it's not simple is something you need to explore, and get out in front of. You can do it. The first step to that is never speaking to this person again. You can forgive her from the quiet and safety of your own spirit.  

 

What a beautiful metaphor.. No, it just hurts me more that the person i care of acts this way. I try not to hold on anger, bitterness, grudges, and disapointment.. It needs time 

She told me that she is not even thinking about what happened.. And after the break up she had ONLY negative emotions! How is this possible all of a sudden not to have positive ones? 

[LiakosN]

14 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Hm, you believe a toxic liar when she says she doesn't abuse her friends?

What is missing in your life that you'd want an abusive, toxic liar as a friend?

Let me ask, would YOU ever treat a friend or loved one the way she treats you?

2 of her so called friends told her to see a therapist. 

I think dignity, self respect and self love are missing! 

No, I would never ever treat a person like this even though he or she acted as an a$$. But then again she told me that because of my behaviour she acted this way 

[bluecastle]

12 minutes ago, LiakosN said:

But then again she told me that because of my behaviour she acted this way 

This is not how it works, ever. 

Another metaphor: 

While driving I cut someone off by mistake—nothing drastic, the sort of annoying thing that happens. I wave my hand to apologize and the person waves back to say, "All good." 

A week later I make the same mistake with a different driver, but this time when I wave my hand the person drives into the side of my car, pulls me out of it, and punches me in the face. 

Neither of those reactions have anything to do with me and my behavior. They are reflective of the people I accidentally cut off, their character. 

This woman you are describing? She is the one who drives into the side of the car and starts hurting you. That is someone to stay away from. If that is not clear as day to you—and it's okay if it's not—then you should see this as a moment where life is telling you that you need some help clearing your lens.