His relationship with his ex was more passionate

[SB78]

I have been with my current partner for over two years and although things have been challenging at times (we are both divorced and moved in together as a blended family a last summer which took some adjustment), we have a wonderful relationship. I feel much more in love and connected to him than I felt with my ex (that I was married to for 18 years and had two children with). I feel that we are extremely compatible, and our children and families are also very compatible!

He's had his kids all of this week while mine were on vacation with their father. His mother was watching the kids during the day while he worked, and spent most of her days at my mother's house so that the kids could take advantage of her pool given the heat wave. Yesterday, we all had dinner together at my mother's and I stayed back to help her do dishes and clean while my partner went back home to put the kids to bed. As I was chatting with my mother, she shared something that his mother said that really upset her. His mother told my mother that my partner had an uncommonly passionate relationship with his ex. My mother's head panicked at this and she is now worried that he secretely wants to get back with his ex. My partner and I discussed our past relationships and he did say before that he was very deeply in love with his ex as she was his first love (they met when they were 19 and were married for 20 years). I never really thought that much about it. Every relationships is different, and first loves are often not a great match even if they are passionnate. That being said, I did feel quite upset about it now, and the discussion with my mother left me feeling really sad and unloved. It's been on my mind every since. I can't shake it off!

[SB78]

I should add that I did mention it to my partner yesterday after getting back. I didn't say that I was upset about it but told him what his mother said to mine and how she reacted. He didn't say much, just withrew and slept on the living room sofa. His reaction, in fact, is what worries me the most. If there wasn't nothing to this, wouldn't he just have laughed and ignored it?

[tattoobunnie]

What looks like passion on the outside sounds like chaos and nothing else in common on the inside.  Passion does not equal intimacy.  I would totally disregard two old ladies gossiping.

[Wiseman2]

His mother seems to be somewhat of an idle gossip who likes to stir up drama. There's no other reason to mention such nasty nonsense to your mother. Distance yourself from this woman. 

[SooSad33]

ALL of this going on for all of you has been a big transition and it's not always that easy.

From break up of a relationship ( and divorce) .... to getting into a new relationship and letting that build - to something positive .... to moving in together ( w/ kids) .  For sure, expect a little tension for all.

But it's great that you two do get along so well 🙂 .

I'm wondering if his reaction could just be that his mom's comment was something he did NOT want to hear.  he has clearly moved on and is with you - and by sounds of it, happily.

IMO, I would not worry about what his mom's saying.  It is NOT her relationship!  She should keep shut.  ( If you think about it, his parents have also had to re adjust to all of this - and they had his ex & the kids as 'one happy family , for a good amount of years - so that also takes a bit of time).

So, maybe let this all cool down and maybe consider leaving it all alone.  No matter what their 'past' was all about, it's done now.. right?  He's moved on and you admit it all seems fine!  🙂 .  So, you two have been involved a couple of years - and moved in maybe 1.5 yrs after it began?

Well how I see this, is if you two are truly happy in this, then move onward & upward 😉 .  And do try to ignore all his mom has to say...  the pressures of those outside your relationship ( like mom) is a negative, and you don't want him being brought down too much. 

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

I also want to add when my hubs and I were dating, my now MIL told me that this one girl who "was" a mutual friend who he dated for a year or more was the "love of his life."

NOT.  He left her over her secret coke habit, and weird hang out on orgasms.  

My point; who cares what she says.  It is also creepy she told your mom this, and your mom told you this.  Haven't they learned to not be such sh*t stirrers?

[SB78]

45 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

I also want to add when my hubs and I were dating, my now MIL told me that this one girl who "was" a mutual friend who he dated for a year or more was the "love of his life."

NOT.  He left her over her secret coke habit, and weird hang out on orgasms.  

My point; who cares what she says.  It is also creepy she told your mom this, and your mom told you this.  Haven't they learned to not be such sh*t stirrers?

I am actually quite upset about his mom telling my mom, but even more upset about my mom telling me. She knew this would upset me, and she told me anyway. I am extremely close to my mother but she has never been supportive of any of my relationships. I suspect that secretly she prefers if I'm single because then I have more time to hang out with her, travel with her etc. His mother's motivation is less clear though: he's not super close to his mom. They have a good relationship but I wouldn't say they're best friends. 

[smackie9]

Age, and the circumstances is why it was so "passionate". It was a brand new experience. They were just kids. It is what it is. Step up and confront. Communicate then set boundaries with everyone. 

[SB78]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Age, and the circumstances is why it was so "passionate". It was a brand new experience. They were just kids. It is what it is. Step up and confront. Communicate then set boundaries with everyone. 

Yes. In fact, my mother is bad with gossip. She loves it, and often doesn't care if it hurts others. I'm also not super clear in what context this information was communicated. What his mother said is of course inappropriate no matter the context, but my mom does have a way of extrapolating information and giving them new meaning. 

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, SB78 said:

. In fact, my mother is bad with gossip. She loves it, and often doesn't care if it hurts others. 

It hearsay. He's with you. Neither your or his mother knows what happened in their bedroom, therefore it's total nonsense so pay it no mind.

[JoyfulCompany]

About the gossip part - why would you feel unloved about:
 - something that HIS MOTHER thinks about his past relationship (excuse me - was she a fly on the wall of their bedroom every night for 20 years to check on this?);
 - your mother making drama scenarios;
So, honestly, this part is mostly laughable.

However I didn't understand your second post - once you told him what your mother told you she was told (gosh!) - did he take a nap on the couch or did he spent the night on the couch, so that he's not sleeping next to you? First thing could mean there's nothing to talk about this ridiculous chain of gossip. Second thing sounds as a concerning overreaction.

[SB78]

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

However I didn't understand your second post - once you told him what your mother told you she was told (gosh!) - did he take a nap on the couch or did he spent the night on the couch, so that he's not sleeping next to you? First thing could mean there's nothing to talk about this ridiculous chain of gossip. Second thing sounds as a concerning overreaction.

He has been stonewalling me since I brought him up to him. Sleeping on the couch was stonewalling in so many words.

 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, JoyfulCompany said:

However I didn't understand your second post - once you told him what your mother told you she was told (gosh!) - did he take a nap on the couch or did he spent the night on the couch, so that he's not sleeping next to you? First thing could mean there's nothing to talk about this ridiculous chain of gossip. Second thing sounds as a concerning overreaction.

I took it to mean that he slept on the couch and I thought that reaction sucked!

5 hours ago, SB78 said:

He didn't say much, just withrew and slept on the living room sofa. His reaction, in fact, is what worries me the most. If there wasn't nothing to this, wouldn't he just have laughed and ignored it?

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt take that comment that seriously. MILs are notoriously famous for comments like "He/she had very good relationship with ex" and such. Sometimes its because MIL likes his/her ex better and sometimes its because, get this, they just disaprove all his relationship overall. Meaning that she maybe didnt even liked the ex, just that she has a disaprovement of his relationships. That is more of a comment on your MIL(or future MIL) and her relationship with her son, then on your relationship. So dont take it to heart, it maybe isnt even truth. 

[MissCanuck]

What the heck was your mom thinking in telling you this?

It's nothing more than gossip. It was highly inappropriate of this mother to say this, and even more inappropriate for your mom to come running to you with it when she knew it would upset you. It seems this is par for the course for her when it comes to your relationships. 

As for you, well, I think you need to do a better job in filtering out the meddlers (your mothers) Your partner's reaction is also inappropriate and unkind. It doesn't mean his mom's account was true, but rather that he is upset that he's the topic of destructive gossip and you seemed to believe it. He could have responded much more maturely and sensitively, in any case. Does he often react that way to conflict?  

[shouldhavelearned]

Yeah, some mil's should keep their mouth shut sometimes and not cause problems.....could write a bestseller on it 

[Sally .C.]

Here's the perspective from a happily married woman who had a very passionate relationship with her ex...

My ex and I were deeply in love and there was a lot of passion and volatility. I think at the time (in my early-mid 20s) I believed that true love meant somehow naturally meant a lot of passion and volatility. And we did love each other, but when we got older and the passion wore off a bit we just weren't compatible. I'm sure many older (as in, over 30) people have intense passion in their relationships but it's mostly a common hallmark of first love/young love.

Rather than let yourself become upset about the passion (per the MIL) he shared with his ex, accept that he once had a woman he adored before you knew him, just as you once had a man you adored at one point. I met my now husband when I was 32. We both had long term relationships previous. I think we respect and understand that we aren't each other's first love, and with that, give each other the space to still care about the chapters we spent we with our exes without it threatening our curreny love and our marriage, because it doesn't.

The passion in your man's past is not a threat to your present, any more than your previous feelings for your ex is a threat to him. I'm sure you wouldn't want your man to be upset over any passion you shared with your ex.

Passion doesn't ultimately mean better...which is where your head is, I think. I have a better relationship now, and what makes it better is that I'm happier.

Understand that his previous relationship ended for a good reason, and understand that he is with you because he wants to be.

As for his mother...ya, sounds like stirring the pot? People gossip when they're bored with themselves. And embellish the facts to make it juicier than it is.

Anyway, I've rambled on for a while and I'm not sure this helped at all, but I wish you well. 

 

 

 

[Andrina]

19 hours ago, SB78 said:

She knew this would upset me, and she told me anyway. I am extremely close to my mother but she has never been supportive of any of my relationships. I suspect that secretly she prefers if I'm single because then I have more time to hang out with her, travel with her etc

Could be that your mother made this all up, since she sounds manipulative. Or, she could have grilled the MIL about this. I don't even know how a MIL would know what her son's sex life was like. I would be setting up boundaries with your mother, and tell her that you NEVER want to hear about hearsay from anyone about your husband and his past.

This snafu will, or shall pass, and the more time you two enjoy life together, the past will get more and more distant in your rearview mirror. Just concentrate on continuing to strengthen the bond you two have, and build the wonderful life you've envisioned.