Falling out of love with my boyfriend of 9 years

[Monday.Addams]

Hello everyone,

My boyfriend (31M) and I (29F) have been together for almost 9 years now and it’s been going smoothly (no break-ups, no breaks, no drama). Last year, I brought up mariage and felt he was nervous to talk about it. He said he wasn’t ready yet for this type of commitment. I was a bit disappointed as I felt I’ve done a lot for him (I’ve moved countries to be with him, changed jobs and made new friends) and I felt like our relationship was very one-sided.

A couple of weeks after this conversation, I met someone (30M) during a friends trip. We really hit it off. It was like I’ve known this person all my life and everything was there: physical attraction, chemistry, complicity and the same aspirations in life. After the trip, we talked for weeks. Sometimes just simple « how was your day » conversations. This man was also in a relationship so nothing ever happened. One day, he decided to stop as we were getting too emotionally attached to each other and we were both emotionally cheating on our partners.

Despite us not talking anymore, I still thought of him every single day and almost every hour. It’d make me go crazy. I couldn’t get him out of my head. A year later, he texted me saying he broke up with his girlfriend. And my heart sank. This is not what I wished. We saw each other again and it was the best day I had this year. We talked and walked for 6 hours straight and I didn’t want the day to end.

So here I am, completely lost and unsure of what to do. Should I save my currently relationship? I’ve spend 9 years working hard to build what he have today. Or should I try something new with the person I’ve been thinking about for over a year?

Has anyone been through the same situation?

[Jibralta]

6 minutes ago, Monday.Addams said:

Has anyone been through the same situation?

I ended my first serious relationship when I realized I was starting to stray emotionally. I was 17, and my relationship had only lasted 18 months at that point, but I understood that it wasn't fair to my partner. I loved him and respected him enough to let him go. 

[Starlight925]

You need to separate your feelings for your boyfriend with your newfound feelings of this other guy.

This new guy is like that shiny thing you see at the store, that you really want to  buy, once you can afford it.  Once you get it, wear it for a while, it'll end up in the closet with everything else.  He's new and shiny right now.

Your 9-year long boyfriend, however, is another matter.  If, after 9 years, he's not sure he wants to marry you, my advice is to move on.  Regardless of whether this new guy is in the picture or not.  

You are probably afraid to jump off the diving board, not sure if New Guy will be there to catch you.

There might be a time in which you'll be alone, single, and yes, go through a loneliness phase.  That's all better than spending 9 more years with someone who, not only doesn't want to marry you, but you're unsure you even love.  You'll be 38.  

I know this sounds harsh, and I know it's scary, but trust me, it's so much better than spending your life in a ho-hum existence with someone who isn't even sure he wants to build a life with you.

[rainbowsandroses]

Nine years together and he is still unsure about marriage?  Nervous to even discuss it?

Your relationship has clearly run its course.

No matter what happens with the new guy, you need to end your relationship with your boyfriend. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Monday.Addams said:

I’ve spend 9 years working hard to build what he have today. Or should I try something new with the person I’ve been thinking about for over a year?

Unfortunately the relationship you're in isn't going anywhere, whether you met someone else or not. Meeting this man simply exposed how unhappy you are.

End things with your BF, not because of the new man, but because you've been unhappy for years. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, Monday.Addams said:

Should I save my currently relationship?

No, it's already gone as far as it's going to go. When a man isn't ready to commit after 9 years, well, it's quite safe to say he doesn't want to marry you. 

Things may or may not develop with this other guy, but your relationship needs to end regardless. 

[xColinx]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

You need to separate your feelings for your boyfriend with your newfound feelings of this other guy.

This new guy is like that shiny thing you see at the store, that you really want to  buy, once you can afford it.  Once you get it, wear it for a while, it'll end up in the closet with everything else.  He's new and shiny right now.

Your 9-year long boyfriend, however, is another matter.  If, after 9 years, he's not sure he wants to marry you, my advice is to move on.  Regardless of whether this new guy is in the picture or not.  

You are probably afraid to jump off the diving board, not sure if New Guy will be there to catch you.

There might be a time in which you'll be alone, single, and yes, go through a loneliness phase.  That's all better than spending 9 more years with someone who, not only doesn't want to marry you, but you're unsure you even love.  You'll be 38.  

I know this sounds harsh, and I know it's scary, but trust me, it's so much better than spending your life in a ho-hum existence with someone who isn't even sure he wants to build a life with you.

^ this seems like great advice.

While I agree it's important that you separate your feelings between the two situations, maybe they're "connected" in that you needed some other type of life event to open your eyes to how stagnant and unfulfilling your 9-year relationship is. I get that there's a natural comfort and safety net feeling with a long stable relationship like that, but if marriage is important to you then it sounds pretty clear you & your current guy have major difference in terms of long term goals & priorities. After 9 years, what's gonna change?

[catfeeder]

New guy may or may not be right for you, but he’s enlivened something in you that may recognize a dead end with your current relationship.

 If marriage and family are your goals, honor those. I wouldn’t assign new guy that role in my life, but I’d consider how I want to spend the rest of my best fertility years, and it wouldn’t be with a guy who doesn’t want to marry me after 9 years.

[Cherylyn]

9 years is a long time.  If you're no longer in love with your boyfriend,  it's better to move on without him in your life. 

[shouldhavelearned]

After nine years

Stay strong and move on

[Monday.Addams]

On 7/4/2023 at 5:24 PM, Starlight925 said:

You need to separate your feelings for your boyfriend with your newfound feelings of this other guy.

This new guy is like that shiny thing you see at the store, that you really want to  buy, once you can afford it.  Once you get it, wear it for a while, it'll end up in the closet with everything else.  He's new and shiny right now.

Your 9-year long boyfriend, however, is another matter.  If, after 9 years, he's not sure he wants to marry you, my advice is to move on.  Regardless of whether this new guy is in the picture or not.  

You are probably afraid to jump off the diving board, not sure if New Guy will be there to catch you.

There might be a time in which you'll be alone, single, and yes, go through a loneliness phase.  That's all better than spending 9 more years with someone who, not only doesn't want to marry you, but you're unsure you even love.  You'll be 38.  

I know this sounds harsh, and I know it's scary, but trust me, it's so much better than spending your life in a ho-hum existence with someone who isn't even sure he wants to build a life with you.

Wow, thank you for the great and honest advice. I needed that.

[CadusBane]

Trust me when I tell you this, lived this same life till last Friday June 30th. Nine years this last May. We are older, yet very similar situation. Roles reversed, I was the man asking for her help with life and my mom. She’s struggling with early stage dementia. She and I lived apart, I am disabled due to an illness called reflex, sympathetic dystrophy. She saw pasted that and enjoyed that I liked to learn and collect pop culture items, movies, shows, and games. Yet I felt hallow empty, because  two years to today was my dad’s funeral, it was during this funeral something happened between the two of us. Honestly didn’t know could happen to a man, happened day before and after the funeral. My dad had just passed, wasn’t really in the mood to do anything but be hugged and let me talk. Not what she wanted and she took it and I was in shock, didn’t say a word or make a sound during. When she went back home, I was very messed up. 
 

Last year got in touch with a high school friend/crush. We got to talking and it was night and day how she and I could talk and laugh together. We got close really fast, she is married and I was with my girlfriend. By a month in flirting more and another month in we were sleeping together. Noticed how different I felt with someone that got me and knew me a long time. We quickly noticed we were being stupid, we tried to slow down but we couldn’t. Suddenly she was struggling one night and set me some disturbing videos from “another friend” she had, well wasn’t I the fool there. Broke it off she got passive aggressive real fast. So lost a friend and an amazing relationship, so I thought. 
 

I am not ashamed of what happened to me on June 26th though. I’d been told end of May I have Lyme’s disease. By second day in I was done and wanted to die. I got on my knees and prayed “Lord I am a broken and useless man, if you’ll have me forgive me. My life is yours Lord, my life is yours Lord, my life is yours  I’ve lived 44 years in a lot of pain and drowning I sin. I had a very rough day, June 26th and wanted to rage, scream, and stop talking to people period. I was done with people. Wanted to be alone with my stuff and I’d be fine. Then was lead to first Corinthians chapter 13. 
 

“If I speak in the tongues a a of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy b and can fathom all mysteries c and all knowledge, d and if I have a faith e that can move mountains, f but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor g and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, a h but do not have love, I gain nothing. 4 Love is patient, i love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. j 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, k it is not easily angered, l it keeps no record of wrongs. m 6 Love does not delight in evil n but rejoices with the truth. o 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. p 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, q they will cease; where there are tongues, r they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part s and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, t what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood u behind me.”

 

Simply I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to fill me  He did, and life changed from night to day.  The Bible made sense and I have a real relationship with God now.  My girlfriend noticed right away that something was different with me. She said I started being all formal.  I’d prayed God would give me the words, He did.  I started explaining all that happened and what changed that Monday, on June 26th of 21 was last day whole family spent with my dad.  He was a follower of Christ, know that night he was praying so much for each of his kids and mom.  As I’d texted her during the week the less she liked it, “I was talking about the Bible and sin, I was flirty or responding when she’d be trying to get me to say our names for each other.”  By Thursday the 29th I told her I was on a new path and nothing will make me leave it, as God has been part of my life and I’d been fighting the call of my life. She simple says “what about our sex?” I lied at the time saying I didn’t know and could this wait? My mom was coming home from eye surgery, and I needed to take care of her.  Soon as the call ended I was done with the relationship.  The next day we ended together over texts of all things. Because in spring of 22 when I tried in person at the hotel she scream cried, in summer of 22 over the phone she cried and cried till I took it back.  I was a lier, a cheat, and a hypocrite in my relationship. She wanted all my time for her, gave me no emotional support, no encouragement, and when I took the sex away that’s all it took to make it fall.

 

Took me 44 years to find the issues I’ve been dealing with a long time.  I ask that after nine years together, and you’re wanting to be his wife and he has to think about it for even a second?  Be honest first with yourself, learn to tell yourself the truth, highly recommend Boundaries by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.  If you believe or not, this book teaches you about what’s health in love and relationships.  Think about what your needs are, then honesty talk to your boyfriend.  Ask him why he needs to wait or think after nine years. Encourage you to be strong and know that you’re loved no matter what. 

 

 

[Andrina]

Connecting with the other man was a symptom of your lack of an emotional connection with your bf. 

Your bf knew everything he needed to know about you since year 3. Obviously finances aren't the issue in the decision to not marry, since you two have been cohabiting for so long. And you say you feel like your relationship is one-sided, so after 9 years, it'd be dumb to think this will change.

Though your first instinct is to run to the guy who got your adrenalin pumping, it'll be a huge mistake at this point in time. After a 9 year relationship, it's essential you take a good year solo to learn who you are as a single person in order to choose a future partner wisely, whether it be the other guy or someone else. You also need time to mourn and heal from this break up. 

Don't regularly communicate or meet up with this other guy. If necessary, tell him exactly what I've suggested, that you need some solo time, and after a year, you'll contact him and if he's single, you can speak about meeting up. If he's mature and cares, he will respect your wishes. If he ends up no longer single, then fate has someone else in store for you.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[CadusBane]

10 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Though your first instinct is to run to the guy who got your adrenalin pumping, it'll be a huge mistake at this point in time. After a 9 year relationship, it's essential you take a good year solo to learn who you are as a single person in order to choose a future partner wisely, whether it be the other guy or someone else. You also need time to mourn and heal from this break up. 

Don't regularly communicate or meet up with this other guy. If necessary, tell him exactly what I've suggested, that you need some solo time, and after a year, you'll contact him and if he's single, you can speak about meeting up. If he's mature and cares, he will respect your wishes. 

Wow! So well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻!!!!

 

Please do take the time to be single, get to know yourself fully. Find out what you need and don’t, what you want to give and do for your future husband. Being single is a blessing again, didn’t know how much my relationship was stressing me out till it ended. Resting heart rate is down 12 bpm and stomach isn’t tied into knots. 
 

If you feel it’s one sided, get out. In my relationship it was all about her wants, sex, needs, and support. When I needed to talk about my life and issues, literally she said “oh my poor baby.” That’s it, all she would say because she didn’t know what to say. When I didn’t have the energy to talk or lift her mood, she was silent on the other end of the phone. It’s awful being in a one sided relationship. 
 

You’ve got great handle on what’s going on it sounds like, it is tough to end it. Even though I was happy to have it end, didn’t mean wasn’t going to cry hard and have my chest ache from the pain, because it did. Yet it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. 
 

Praying for you.