Mt ex is confusing me.

[James1881]

I'm in need of some advice. My ex is confusing me with how we broke up and how we are now.

About 6 weeks ago my ex through me out. It was a shock but the relationship was having difficulties. We had 4 weeks of silence between us, any contact we did have was angry and argumentative. She also stopped me from having any contact with me son during this time.

Then about 2 weeks ago we started talking, deep and long messages about how I hurt her, and how she was hurting me. We spoke for hours that one night. The next day I was able to see my son. From then we have spoken alot more and actually seen each other a few times.

 

This last week things have changed. She finds alot of reasons to message me, and we talk most of the day. She keeps saying there is no us and she doesn't want a relationship with me. She tells me she doesn't love me but she also doesn't hate me. It's worth noting that I'm not asking her to start again with me, but I have told her I'm still in love with her.

 

The last 48 hours we have been discussing sleeping with each other. She comes up with alot of excuses as to why we shouldn't but never actually says no we won't do it. In fact she has said multiple times she wants too, it would be comfortable but because I have feeling it best we don't. Tonight she invited me to stay for tea with my son. He had already eaten hours before I got there, but she cooked for me, and she ate tea with me at the table making polite conversation. She also dropping into conversation that she is going out, and hopefully she could meet a sugar daddy, or a toy boy. She knew how this would make me feel. But i sort of brushed it off. She then said well you might meet someone its going to happen sooner or later.

I cannot say she is hot and cold, im really not sure what i should be thjnking or doing right now. I always let her message first. And althought she isnt giving me hope, her actions are not clearly matching her words. I would love to hear what people think is going on.

 

Thank you

James

[Kwothe28]

OK, from what I gathered you and your ex have a kid. So going "no contact" is kinda impossible. You need to take care of that thing first. Meaning involving a lawyer if you must but get either joint custody or visitation hours. That way she cant prevent you from seeing your kid. 

As for her, leave her alone. If she wants to meet "SugarDaddy" or "Young Stud", that is up to her. You shouldnt be a part of that mess. Your preoccupation should be a kid. And nothing more. 

[James1881]

We have completely resolved everything regarding our son. We have 50/50 and he will be with me for the next 3 days. We are united as far as our son is concerned.

My issues are how she is being with me. Is she leading me on? Is she trying to make me jealous because she still has feelings or because she wants to hurt me? Does she want me to fight for her or just leave her alone. Like I say she is the one now making contact, inviting me round. I'm just very confused in what I should do. 

[Kwothe28]

4 minutes ago, James1881 said:

My issues are how she is being with me. Is she leading me on? Is she trying to make me jealous because she still has feelings or because she wants to hurt me?

I think its entirely irrelevant when she talks about meeting "SugarDaddies". If she wanted reconciliation she wouldnt talk about that. So, just leave her alone. There is nothing for you there.

Also, you better have that 50/50 in papers. Again, lawyer up.

[James1881]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think its entirely irrelevant when she talks about meeting "SugarDaddies". If she wanted reconciliation she wouldnt talk about that. So, just leave her alone. There is nothing for you there.

Also, you better have that 50/50 in papers. Again, lawyer up.

Ok, thankyou for your words. I'll take this on board. 

We are going through the courts to make the arrangement with our son legally binding. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, James1881 said:

 She keeps saying there is no us and she doesn't want a relationship with me. She tells me she doesn't love me but she also doesn't hate me. 

Sorry this is happening. It's great you are sorting out coparenting.

What were the arguments about and why did you two break up? Where are you staying? Did you co-own or co-lease the place? 

Unfortunately it's hurtful to talk about your relationship or love lives or any other personal topics. Try to only make it about your son.

[James1881]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. It's great you are sorting out coparenting.

What were the arguments about and why did you two break up? Where are you staying? Did you co-own or co-lease the place? 

Unfortunately it's hurtful to talk about your relationship or love lives or any other personal topics. Try to only make it about your son.

I made a few mistakes 4 years ago, an ex was trying to rule my life, by making demands and contacting me too much. (I have a child with her too, so I wasn't able to just block her)

These problems came back to haunt her and it was too much to deal with. I tried to sort the problems but we where unable to agree. 

I have my own place now. It all happened very quickly. Since I have my own place was when she started making more contact with me. 

My friends think she is leading me on, but not wanting to let me go or want me enough to stay with me. I feel powerless, like she has all the cards. 

[SooSad33]

1 hour ago, James1881 said:

Tonight she invited me to stay for tea with my son. He had already eaten hours before I got there, but she cooked for me, and she ate tea with me at the table making polite conversation. She also dropping into conversation that she is going out, and hopefully she could meet a sugar daddy, or a toy boy. She knew how this would make me feel. But i sort of brushed it off.

Good for you!  No reason at all for her to act this way with you 😕 

Since your initial BU happened about 6 weeks ago, this is all very fresh for you two.  She is likely fishing for a reaction from you, which she didn't get!

Best thing to do is focus on your child.  Is really the only necessary thing to do now, if you two are officially done.  And yes, it WILL take a good amt of time for you two to work through your feelings and get over all of this.  It takes time.

But, in the meanwhile, Don't ask or expect anything from her physically.. although it'll be hard! She may likely be wanting to 'use you to get over you', don't let her.

hey, if she wants to go out there & find a sugar daddy, w/e, let her!  Respectfully keep your distance and rely on friends & family to vent it out, etc.  

Also remember to do some 'self care' at this time.  Get your rest, get out for some air, keep physical ( some guys do work outs to get it out, etc).

And good for you for reaching out here.. you're not alone 🙂 .

 

 

[James1881]

Thank.

3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Good for you!  No reason at all for her to act this way with you 😕 

Since your initial BU happened about 6 weeks ago, this is all very fresh for you two.  She is likely fishing for a reaction from you, which she didn't get!

Best thing to do is focus on your child.  Is really the only necessary thing to do now, if you two are officially done.  And yes, it WILL take a good amt of time for you two to work through your feelings and get over all of this.  It takes time.

But, in the meanwhile, Don't ask or expect anything from her physically.. although it'll be hard! She may likely be wanting to 'use you to get over you', don't let her.

hey, if she wants to go out there & find a sugar daddy, w/e, let her!  Respectfully keep your distance and rely on friends & family to vent it out, etc.  

Also remember to do some 'self care' at this time.  Get your rest, get out for some air, keep physical ( some guys do work outs to get it out, etc).

And good for you for reaching out here.. you're not alone 🙂 .

 

 

Thank you for this advice. I'm going to be strong and not let her get the better of me. I have started weight training again, it helps keep my focus. Friends and family have been great. I guess I reached out to strangers because you don't know us and it makes the advice less bias. 

Your words have been reassuring. 

[SooSad33]

Just now, James1881 said:

Thank you for this advice. I'm going to be strong and not let her get the better of me. I have started weight training again, it helps keep my focus. Friends and family have been great.

Exactly, good on you!

Yes, break ups hurt, but we also need to learn here how to deal with it.  I've had ex's after me & in my face for weeks/ months after our BU.  I got tired of it and they had to learn I was not responsible for how they dealt with it. ... sure, it can be hard for a while from both sides, so it will be difficult for a while, as you work thru your emotions.

Sorry, it has come to this, but it happens 😕 .  And nothing much we can do but admit we tried and it just didn't work.

 

[Kampuniform3]

Yes, there’s a definite consensus forming here, and I agree:

keep a safe distance, otherwise you might be blindsided by this person who seems to be playing fast and loose with your emotions. 
 

Back right off, mate, and rely on your friends and family exclusively for emotional support from now on.

Don’t make any more announcements about loving her, and keep your interactions focused on your child. 
 

I’m a bit worried for you, as you might be on the receiving end of an emotional goring from this woman if you’re not careful.

[James1881]

11 minutes ago, Kampuniform3 said:

Yes, there’s a definite consensus forming here, and I agree:

keep a safe distance, otherwise you might be blindsided by this person who seems to be playing fast and loose with your emotions. 
 

Back right off, mate, and rely on your friends and family exclusively for emotional support from now on.

Don’t make any more announcements about loving her, and keep your interactions focused on your child. 
 

I’m a bit worried for you, as you might be on the receiving end of an emotional goring from this woman if you’re not careful.

Absolutely professional relationship with her now. No more feelings or fwb talk. Totally focused on my son. 

 

I think your last paragraph is absolutely correct. I'm sure she wants to get some twisted satisfaction from hurting me. I completely loved this one, she was my one, and our relationship was amazing, sex was out of this world (we both agree with all those statments) it turned quickly for no real reason. She destroyed me completely, but I fear she isn't done yet. Or she is angry and kinda wants to punish me till she is ready to try again.  I'm so bloody confused. 

[Kampuniform3]

3 minutes ago, James1881 said:

Absolutely professional relationship with her now. No more feelings or fwb talk. Totally focused on my son. 

 

I think your last paragraph is absolutely correct. I'm sure she wants to get some twisted satisfaction from hurting me. I completely loved this one, she was my one, and our relationship was amazing, sex was out of this world (we both agree with all those statments) it turned quickly for no real reason. She destroyed me completely, but I fear she isn't done yet. Or she is angry and kinda wants to punish me till she is ready to try again.  I'm so bloody confused. 

Good!

 I remember being summarily dumped, seemingly out-of-the-blue, fifteen years ago by an ex, and waited in the wings hoping for the best. 
It turned into a very painful life lesson.

Keep one thing always in mind regarding life’s difficulties:

When you’re going through hell, keep going.

At the time, I didn’t think I could live without her.  A year later, my life had improved immeasurably, and my only disappointment then was that she didn’t dump me sooner!

Hang in there, mate!

[Cherylyn]

Enforce boundaries and co-parent. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, James1881 said:

it turned quickly for no real reason

There's a reason. You just haven't discovered it yet.