Confused about my stance in this; need some outside perspective

[FrozenMoon]

Hello all,

A little over a year back, I created another topic on this forum, concerning my anxiety with regards to my boyfriend's (new at the time) female university friends. Back then, this fear consumed me. I received some great advice and eventually saw a psychologist. Additionally, time went by, and I was able to gradually learn to trust. He still meets new women all the time, but I am now in a place (and have been for about ten months) where I am completely and authentically relaxed about this.

My view of relationships has always been a very traditional and exclusive one. Strictly monogamous. In this period of anxiety, I remember fearing that as soon as he developed any sliver of interest in anyone else, it was over. I dreaded any form of competition because I believed that just one wrong roll of the dice would be enough to take away such an important person in my life.

Now, none of this has anything to do directly with what I'm about to address here, but I feel it is a relevant part of the background.

The issue at hand: I have always been a very socially active person, and often go out to camping weekends and the likes. This is also where I commonly meet new people. Within the past two or so months, I have encountered the other side of the coin, and have noticed that two of the new men I've become friendly with have sparked a form of attraction in me. Nothing emotional, nothing deep, merely some chemical signals in my brain that tell me just that -- that they are attractive men. Keep in mind, these are people that I know mostly on a surface level, or only slightly beyond that. I do not actively keep in contact with them, and only encounter them on some of these camping trips, where we largely go about in groups.

I feel the pull. I definitely feel the pull, but I have no trouble setting boundaries. About a month ago, one of them initiated some flirty behavior with me. I didn't reciprocate, brought up that I had a boyfriend, which he respected, and we haven't interacted much since. In and of itself, I'm happy to know now that this is how things like that can go: attraction, even if it's mutual, doesn't have to be acted on. It's definitely evidence to put some of my previous worries to rest.

However -- this is, sadly, not where it ends. In terms of our interactions, yes. But my mind has been spinning in circles. The other guy, who I've actually only met last week, added to this issue. Although he's done no such thing as outright flirt with me, I felt like I was definitely picking up some signals. Again, I've made sure to set out my boundaries and act accordingly. But again, it's the mental aftermath that's getting to me.

To be blunt: I think about them. Commonly. I also sincerely love my boyfriend. I don't think these two are mutually exclusive. My current relationship is my number one priority, and I will always protect it. I can't imagine a future without him. But I feel awful knowing that I experience these feelings of attraction, and I would be lying if I said that the "what ifs" haven't crossed my mind. It's the excitement of something new, I suppose. The intrigue. Nothing I would give up the deep love and appreciation of my current relationship for, but these feelings are there, and I cannot change that I experienced them.

What's more, a lot of my friends have recently been entering open relationships. I've talked about this with them at length. The concept of open relationships used to scare me, because what you feed, grows: iniating physical contact with someone you feel attracted to is likely to awaken stronger feelings, and -- in my perception at the time -- could prompt your partner to fall emotionally for this 'someone else', thus resulting in a higher chance of them eventually leaving you. The concept of an open relationship as I understood it directly fed into my anxiety, and I tried to push away any and all evidence of it even existing.
But what I understood from my conversations with them is that they do not share this fear at all. They know that it can happen. At the same time, they don't feel that it is inherently wrong for their partners to feel emotionally attracted to someone else. In fact, because their relationship structure allows for attraction to be acted upon, they experience a form of security knowing that competition is never an issue. No amount of external attraction or flirtation will break up their relationship. On the contrary, it's all part of it. They feel safe knowing their partners are 'free to roam' to obtain any unmet needs elsewhere (thus putting less stress on the relationship), and will ultimately come back.

This brought me back to how scared I felt for the first year of my relationship. What was I scared of? That he would feel attracted to other women. Why? Because he might leave me for them. But then, if that were to happen -- would I inherently be jealous of him being with another woman, or would I be jealous only of the consequence (i.e. that I could not have him)? Was it truly the fear of him liking someone, or the fear of losing him because of it? Perhaps both?

And, you guessed it, this has only thrown me off me further. The fear I experienced back then was real. Too real. I know what I felt, but I can't go back in time to re-analyze it in that moment. What exactly was I afraid of? Were the rules of exclusivity keeping us safe from what I feared, or were they the reason there was something to be feared for me to begin with?

To state the obvious, the two cases of attraction I've felt recently have had me pondering the whole thing. My relationship is monogamous. My relationships have always been. And to be absolutely clear about this, I have zero intention of breaking the rules. My boyfriend and I have established what the boundaries are, and I respect them, always. I cherish him more than anything. It's just that my general perception of relationships has been thrown for an immense loop, and I'm not sure what to think anymore.

Was exclusivity the cure to, or a source of my fear? Is it in any way shape or form immoral to consider how an open relationship would compare -- even if I don't necessarily intend to be in one -- when I'm happy in the monogamous one I have now? Is it wrong to be curious? I feel like it's definitely frowned upon, and knowing that these thoughts have been sparked by recent events makes it worse. Am I just thinking about all of this now because of these two men that I met? How would I feel if my boyfriend were free to get physical with anyone? How would it affect me, and moreover, why? The truth to all of this is, I don't know. I don't know anything other than that which I've always had.

Again, and I state this with emphasis, so long as I am in a monogamous relationship, I have every intention to continue to protect it, as I have done until now. I don't need anything else. I don't even know how an open relationship would affect me, considering the intense fear that I experienced earlier. I'm perfectly fine forgetting about these two men and moving on with my life. All they've done, together with the recent uprise of open relationships in my social circle, is set some thinking in motion. I'm just confused. Hence, I'm looking for some other perspectives. Someone who can help me clear up my thoughts.

And perhaps, my final question: is this pondering something I should or should not bring up with my boyfriend? I don't want to send any unintended signals his way. I am very happy and content. I just always pushed the thoughts of open relationships away, and now that I've been confronted with them in a calmer light, I'm just trying to evaluate them. Any insights would be greatly appreciated.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, FrozenMoon said:

 the recent uprise of open relationships in my social circle, is set some thinking in motion. I'm just confused. 

What's right for some people isn't necessarily the right thing for you.

People in open relationships like to talk about "compersion", which they feel is supposedly the opposite of jealousy.

Stay true to whoever you are. What is popular or trending doesn't have to be something to consider if it's not who you are.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

I just always pushed the thoughts of open relationships away

Do you feel this is wrong, for some reason? 

It's okay to not be okay with open relationships. Many are not comfortable with this, despite what you may think. You and your friends are still quite young and experimenting, but you will likely find in a few years that most have outgrown what they think is trendy right now. 

Real open relationships are hard work. They are possible, but I only know a handful of adults my age (40s) who want and successfully manage them. 

Don't stress yourself so much about this. You're needlessly worried about something that is clealry not your natural inclination (ie. non-monogamy)

[Lambert]

Don't bring this up to your boyfriend 

Your basically thinking about your feelings and processing what is right for you. 

Bringing things up that are just your musings, can create unnecessary conflict and insecurities for your partner. 

Sounds like you know how you feel.  You love your boyfriend. Everything else is just analysis for yourself. 

[FrozenMoon]

Thank you for your replies. If I may ask -- and this is a genuine question -- what is it in my post that gives away my natural inclination? I believe you, it's just something I've been overthinking incredibly lately, and I'm looking to find back my sense of direction with it.

Part of me believes the jealousy I experienced earlier is a sign, clear as day, that non-monogamy would not work for me. But another part of me is well aware that monogamy is the only thing I've ever known, being raised in a culture where it is praised, considered the only morally correct structure, and any alternatives are heavily underexposed. Shunned, even. And:

26 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Do you feel this is wrong, for some reason?

That is why I, indeed, feel it was wrong for me to write open relationships off as 'a bad option' all my life, without second thought. The concept was avoided by everyone I knew, so I avoided it as well. Maybe that's just what's messing with me now -- I've always been monogamous, but I don't know what share of 'choosing' monogamy all my life was truly an active decision of my own. It was simply what was always deemed correct.

I am also aware that, consequently, my concept of a successful relationship is shaped conform monogamous standards. This is why I'm so hung up on trying to figure out the source of my previous jealousy. Was it because I didn't want him to interact with anyone he might develop interest in? Because I hated the thought of him being attracted? Or was it because I've been brought up with the idea that your partner being attracted to someone else is a bad thing, that it spells danger for your relationship? If I heard from him right now that he met a girl he finds really attractive, would I feel that pang of jealousy again?

In any case -- bottom line, as many of you pointed out, is that I love my boyfriend and wish to hold on tight to what we have. These thoughts, as Lambert phrased correctly, are simply musings. I'm just a little stuck in the mess that is reflecting upon them.

[Coily]

As a thought experiment internally it's not the worst thing. However the question you always have to consider are what are the unintended consequences of pressing those boundaries?

I will say I think you had a natural reaction to those flirty reactions, and the social environment you are currently in. Who doesn't like to have their attractiveness noticed by those you find attractive?

[SherrySher]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

What's right for some people isn't necessarily the right thing for you.

Wiseman makes a really good point.

A lot of people create their own definitions on what is right for them in a relationship and what isn't.

Why an open relationship would work, or why it wouldn't, and the reasons for that.

It can be very individualized and very complicated to just have one answer.

I don't think there is one exact answer to all your questions.

It can be so vastly different depending on who you ask.

[Batya33]

I’d go back to basics and keep it simple. Basically you have the hots for your male friends.  You want to be able to act on it and have the thrills of the newness and their hotness and still have a comfy stable relationship with the solid and stable man you love.  Therefore you’re considering an arrangement where you can act on your desires and also have your serious relationship intact to fall back on. Because as you know if you go there it’s likely the initial excitement will fade.
Especially since these men will know you’re hooking up despite having a partner. You can’t expect them to get or care about labels like “open “ relationship.  They’ll likely prefer to be safe and keep their emotional distance and have fun and thrills with you. 

I would say nothing to your bf unless it’s “I’d like to explore my options by seeing others. Would you be open to us seeing other people and or taking a break so I can explore. I totally understand I’m risking us not getting back together but I now realize that I want to explore dating others. 

Please don’t tell him you suddenly are into an “open” relationship. I don’t think that’s accurate and I’d avoid wasting time on abstractions or overthinking. 

[Lambert]

4 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

I didn't reciprocate, brought up that I had a boyfriend, which

^This. This was your natural reaction and explains this:

1 hour ago, FrozenMoon said:

what is it in my post that gives away my natural inclination? I

 

[Kwothe28]

You know what they say, at the end of every open relationship is one that enjoys it and one that just stayed there so they wouldnt break up. Because that is what most of them are, just having a free pass to cheat. I think its somewhat normal that you even felt some kind of attraction toward other men. You are in a long relationship, just started to hang out with new men and its exciting and new. However I dont think you or even your boyfriend would enjoy open relationship. You had overreaction over him just hanging out with other women(I remember that thread, if I am not mistaken it was his college friends). How would you feel if he slept with all of them? Just because you are tempted by things like that, doesnt mean that you could have handled it. Dont drag him into it and make problems in your relationship like that. You handled all pretty good so far, you are suppose to say to new men who would come after you that you are taken and move on. Which is precisely what you did.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

  I love my boyfriend and wish to hold on tight to what we have. 

Limit your conversations with these friends. While it's fine to be open minded and accepting of other's lifestyle, you seem to be getting hypnotized with the poly community's philosophies about "compersion" being some sort of highly evolved antidote for jealousy and trying to abandon your own thinking and feeling.

Redirect your locus of control to yourself. It fine to explore and be curious about and accepting of all sorts of things, but you don't have to jump on every trend and bandwagon, questioning your own values and reality.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, FrozenMoon said:

And perhaps, my final question: is this pondering something I should or should not bring up with my boyfriend? I don't want to send any unintended signals his way. I am very happy and content. I just always pushed the thoughts of open relationships away, and now that I've been confronted with them in a calmer light, I'm just trying to evaluate them.

Right, it's your 'thoughts', which is fine.

You have no yearning to stray and know you won't, but because you've been exposed to some who are 'willing' to have 'open relationships' it's something else that's been on your mind.  But, it's okay!  Our minds are constantly whirling 😉 .  Let it, then let it go.

And I don't see any reason you should being this up to the bf.  Why for?  its just some thoughts you've had.  It's not like you've decided to leave him.

You are learning about others behaviour, basically.  It's not yours.  

It's fine.. move along. 🙂