Girlfriend loves me, I do not reciprocate

[WandererBoy]

Hi everyone.

Several months ago I posted here about my troubled relationship. My (27M) girlfriend (24F) had a mindset that was very different from mine, and some of her behaviors almost made me quit the relationship. We got better afterwards, she understood what was wrong, and we decided to give it another go.

Fast forward to these past few months. I still had some doubts, but I was not sure why. My gut was telling me something was off. I felt anxious and frustrated. We compromised on some things and conceded on others and we were making it work, so there was no reason to feel like that.

Unfortunately, as per title, some weeks ago I realised she loves me more than I do. In fact, I would not even say I am in love, and our relationship has lasted for about one year now. I was feeling anxious because I felt like I should be catching feelings. I was being pushed to go live together even if I do not really want to. Most of all, I felt immensely cowardly, because I was wasting her time and mine.

I made up my mind and we had "the talk" today. We had previously discussed the issues between us, but today was different. It was hard, truly. Seeing her cry, and crying myself, with her telling me to give it another chance. I stood my ground, but I felt so hurt and hurtful.

I don't know what to do now. Maybe I should have ended it months ago, but I did not, and now it's hard to let go. She is an amazing person, caring, beautiful, funny. But she needs some choice behavior on my part to feel valued (meeting more often, receiving gifts, including her in my friend group/plans). These are all reasonable things, but the problem is that I just... don't want to do them. I need some alone time after meeting, I do not like giving gifts on demand, my priorities are job-oriented now so my plans involve my career most of all.

If I did all that, the situation would be easily fixed, but that would mean going back to being anxious and worrying that I cannot love her. Maybe I cannot love at all. I wouldn't know what to do if that was the case.

Do I just keep on with my initial stance of breaking up, and potentially lose an amazing person that does not seem like the right fit right now? Or do I go back on it, and risk losing potentially years of my life, just to realise that there is nothing I could do from the start?

Thanks in advance.

TL; DR - Girlfriend loves me, I don't. Not sure how to handle healing/reconnecting after an open-heart discussion with her about it.

[Cherylyn]

Yes,  keep the initial stance of breaking up because it's only fair to her and you.  No sense dragging out a relationship if you're not 100% on board.  If you do,  you're just wasting everyone's time.  Stay the course and it would be healthier not to be friends afterwards.  Make a clean break.  No more contact and go your separate ways so both of you can truly move on. 

[Wiseman2]

Set both yourselves free. Try not to keep stringing her along as a security blanket. It will be hard to end things but coasting along isn't serving either of you.

[Lambert]

you did the right thing.  in truth, she doesn't want to be with a guy that is not that into her.

She just can't see it right now. She will.  You're doing the best thing for you both, but it still hurts.

It's gonna be OK.  Don't lead her on. Stand your ground and move on solo. 

[Seraphim]

You did the best thing. Stay with your decision . Now just leave her be and let her heal and you do the same . 

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, WandererBoy said:

Maybe I cannot love at all. I wouldn't know what to do if that was the case.

This is you being overly dramatic, OP. 

I am sure you are quite capable of loving. You're just not into her. When you meet the right woman for you, you will be naturally motivated to express your love and affection. 

9 hours ago, WandererBoy said:

Do I just keep on with my initial stance of breaking up

Yes, without any doubt. She is not the right one for you, and you are not the right one for her. It's hard when you know the other person is lovely and really hurt by your choice, but that's not a good reason to stay when you don't have the right feelings for them. 

Let her go and set yourself free. This is not going to end well if you don't. 

[WandererBoy]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  keep the initial stance of breaking up because it's only fair to her and you.  No sense dragging out a relationship if you're not 100% on board.  If you do,  you're just wasting everyone's time.  Stay the course and it would be healthier not to be friends afterwards.  Make a clean break.  No more contact and go your separate ways so both of you can truly move on. 

For some reason, but maybe rightly so, wasting her/my time is what I am really afraid of. I am slow to connect and I suffer greatly when things end. I know these next months will be absolute hell. But I also know that, if I waited another year or two, the months would become years of suffering. There is no win here, no easy choice.

[WandererBoy]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Set both yourselves free. Try not to keep stringing her along as a security blanket. It will be hard to end things but coasting along isn't serving either of you.

I was left wondering yesterday if there is any chance for me to catch feelings for her. It felt like a very egoistic thought, but I cannot rationalise why my heart is just not there.

 

10 hours ago, Lambert said:

you did the right thing.  in truth, she doesn't want to be with a guy that is not that into her.

She just can't see it right now. She will.  You're doing the best thing for you both, but it still hurts.

It's gonna be OK.  Don't lead her on. Stand your ground and move on solo. 

I also told her that she doesn't really want to be with someone who doesn't really want her. I tried to rationalise it with her, also because I needed to reassure myself of my choice. My first impulse is to avoid the pain, but that is just not an option.

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

You did the best thing. Stay with your decision . Now just leave her be and let her heal and you do the same . 

We even had summer vacations planned together. Going through with them would just mean more memories to deal with when we part...

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is you being overly dramatic, OP. 

I am sure you are quite capable of loving. You're just not into her. When you meet the right woman for you, you will be naturally motivated to express your love and affection. 

Yes, without any doubt. She is not the right one for you, and you are not the right one for her. It's hard when you know the other person is lovely and really hurt by your choice, but that's not a good reason to stay when you don't have the right feelings for them. 

Let her go and set yourself free. This is not going to end well if you don't. 

Yes, reading that back this morning, that was pretty dramatic of me. I was just caught in my emotions. It's not the first time I do not feel the connection with a significant other. Something like this happened to me a couple years back, when I broke up with a girl because I had other plans in my life (was looking to move abroad and she could not follow). It was a completely natural and rational decision, and I was surprised I did not hurt too much in that moment. Now it feels different, harder.

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, WandererBoy said:

I cannot rationalise why my heart is just not there

What makes you believe you should be able to rationalize it? 

Human emotion and romantic chemsitry is much more nuanced and doesn't always come with a logical explanation. It's either there, or it's not. You're being unrealistic with yourself in expecting to come up with a rationalization. We're not attracted to everyone we meet, are we? 

If it hasn't happened by now for you (with her), it's just not going to. 

[WandererBoy]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What makes you believe you should be able to rationalize it? 

Human emotion and romantic chemsitry is much more nuanced and doesn't always come with a logical explanation. It's either there, or it's not. You're being unrealistic with yourself in expecting to come up with a rationalization. We're not attracted to everyone we meet, are we? 

If it hasn't happened by now for you (with her), it's just not going to. 

I have seen some couples where love was slow to come, but it did come in the end. My gut tells me this is not my case. I am not sure why.

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, WandererBoy said:

I have seen some couples where love was slow to come, but it did come in the end. My gut tells me this is not my case. I am not sure why.

You're really over-thinking this. Sometimes we are just not into the other person that way. What's important is that we recognize when we are wasting our own and the other's time, and kindly and respectfully part ways. 

[Batya33]

It’s not about catching feelings. You’re not going to fall in love with everyone even those who are Miss Right on Paper.

Love can grow. If there’s an initial spark or potential for one when you meet and you’re available for a relationship and she is too then that potential can develop into a desire to give and receive actions that are consistent with love. Most often if it’s really imbalanced then the person who loves less often is turned off by the one who loves more and this impedes desire. IMO. 

You’re not likely to be excited or intrigued about someone who continues to be available to you when it’s obvious you don’t return her affections   Typically if it’s not fireworks from the beginning it can grow if both people are on the same wavelength more or less  both are developing feelings that grow from spending time together so that when one expresses those feelings the other is like “um duh me too !!” 

 

[Caffeine-intrevenous]

You talk about love like it's a completely rational thing, but it isn't. Maybe you could fall in love with her, but it sounds like there's more of a chance that you'll resent her. If she's such an amazing person, she should be with someone who loves her instead of someone who might someday love her. It will hurt her and you'll probably feel guilty but it sounds like it needs to end.

 

[lostandhurt]

This is you almost 3 years ago.  Look familiar?

We have been together for about a year now.

 

However, something kept feeling off. I could not reciprocate her feelings. During our second relationship up until now, I could never tell her I loved her, because I didn't feel like I truly did

I think it is time to start looking inward and figure out yourself before you date anyone else.  If you don't know what love is or what it feels like to be in love then you are destined to keep repeating the same thing and breaking someone else's heart along the way. 

 Some people have a lower level of emotions, some people are not meant to be in a relationship and some people do not make it or want it to be a priority in their lives.

 You did the right thing sticking to your choice so she could heal and move on.  Please make this as easy on her as possible.  Don't try and be her friend, don't check up on her, don't linger in her life and be gracious and apologetic with everything you do.  She needs a clean break so she will give up hope you will change your mind. She cannot start healing until the breakup is real in her heart.

 Have you ever considered therapy? Maybe discussing this with someone will help you discover what you are looking for.

 Lost

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, WandererBoy said:

For some reason, but maybe rightly so, wasting her/my time is what I am really afraid of. I am slow to connect and I suffer greatly when things end. I know these next months will be absolute hell. But I also know that, if I waited another year or two, the months would become years of suffering. There is no win here, no easy choice.

I hear you.  Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I too,  suffer when things end.  It is hell and there is suffering.  I agree, no one wins and there's no easy choice.  However,  when you step back and look at the big picture,  some relationships,  no matter who they are,  were not meant to be if there are too many clashes regarding personality,  character,  how one speaks,  writes,  treats each other,  mistreats each other and the whole lot.  You either mesh with others harmoniously and both parties possess mutual emotional intelligence or it won't work out no matter how much you wish it.  It's life. 

[WandererBoy]

16 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You're really over-thinking this. Sometimes we are just not into the other person that way. What's important is that we recognize when we are wasting our own and the other's time, and kindly and respectfully part ways. 

Overthinking is what I usually do, unfortunately. Even when it's not the healthy decision. What is also tearing me apart now is that we had planned holidays together in a month, and now it would feel so jarring to go through with them.

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It’s not about catching feelings. You’re not going to fall in love with everyone even those who are Miss Right on Paper.

Love can grow. If there’s an initial spark or potential for one when you meet and you’re available for a relationship and she is too then that potential can develop into a desire to give and receive actions that are consistent with love. Most often if it’s really imbalanced then the person who loves less often is turned off by the one who loves more and this impedes desire. IMO. 

You’re not likely to be excited or intrigued about someone who continues to be available to you when it’s obvious you don’t return her affections   Typically if it’s not fireworks from the beginning it can grow if both people are on the same wavelength more or less  both are developing feelings that grow from spending time together so that when one expresses those feelings the other is like “um duh me too !!” 

 

I wish it was a more clear-cut thing, like "Sorry, I didn't catch the feelings, let's break up", and then we move on. But it can't be this easy or rational, as MissKanuck said. I already miss the little things that made us... us. She has written me these past few days, I reply respectfully but I keep strong in my initial decision. I cannot bring myself to ignore/block her. I am noticing a pattern there - she writes me, tells me she misses me, then she starts complaining that I did not do enough for the couple in some areas/regards. Which is true, but that is because I was not feeling the same level of involvement.

7 hours ago, Caffeine-intrevenous said:

You talk about love like it's a completely rational thing, but it isn't. Maybe you could fall in love with her, but it sounds like there's more of a chance that you'll resent her. If she's such an amazing person, she should be with someone who loves her instead of someone who might someday love her. It will hurt her and you'll probably feel guilty but it sounds like it needs to end.

 

Resentment has a high chance to happen in this regard. I am a very energic person when it comes to personal decisions, I am career-oriented right now, and if I felt like something/someone was dragging me down, I would instantly be annoyed at it. I am not sure if I already resent her for something, the whole situation is kind of a blur in my mind, wrapped in a weird mist.

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

This is you almost 3 years ago.  Look familiar?

We have been together for about a year now.

 

However, something kept feeling off. I could not reciprocate her feelings. During our second relationship up until now, I could never tell her I loved her, because I didn't feel like I truly did

I think it is time to start looking inward and figure out yourself before you date anyone else.  If you don't know what love is or what it feels like to be in love then you are destined to keep repeating the same thing and breaking someone else's heart along the way. 

 Some people have a lower level of emotions, some people are not meant to be in a relationship and some people do not make it or want it to be a priority in their lives.

 You did the right thing sticking to your choice so she could heal and move on.  Please make this as easy on her as possible.  Don't try and be her friend, don't check up on her, don't linger in her life and be gracious and apologetic with everything you do.  She needs a clean break so she will give up hope you will change your mind. She cannot start healing until the breakup is real in her heart.

 Have you ever considered therapy? Maybe discussing this with someone will help you discover what you are looking for.

 Lost

Thank you! I was looking for that old discussion, for some reason I could not find it in my history. You bring back memories. In retrospect, that girl was 100% not the right one, and that is because I never fully trusted her after we broke up the first time. We also had different goals in life, something that is also true for my (not) current girlfriend. When I think back to the start of my relationship last year, I remember thinking that I really did not want to get engaged, that I had other stuff to take care about, like my job and my studies. I gave us a chance because it felt like it was the right thing to do. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, I don't regret it, but I also don't want to string her along. I have considered therapy, and I even started with a professional, but I do not have the economical means to keep it up right now.

It feels so strange you know. Ending a relationship with someone that is a good person. When I was younger, I thought you need some catastrophic event to cut it short, like cheating or being abusive. These past few years I am realising more and more that incompatibility takes many forms, and that a breakup is not always the climax of a screaming match, sometimes it's just a whisper.

 

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

I hear you.  Even though my story is not the same as yours,  I too,  suffer when things end.  It is hell and there is suffering.  I agree, no one wins and there's no easy choice.  However,  when you step back and look at the big picture,  some relationships,  no matter who they are,  were not meant to be if there are too many clashes regarding personality,  character,  how one speaks,  writes,  treats each other,  mistreats each other and the whole lot.  You either mesh with others harmoniously and both parties possess mutual emotional intelligence or it won't work out no matter how much you wish it.  It's life. 

I am starting to think that I am not fit for relationships. Even when I try my hardest, it is usually not good enough. With this girl here now I was not the perfect boyfriend, I could have done more and I admit it. But I was supportive, caring, and even started giving her gifts, something that I don't like doing, but it mattered to her. She has a very clear idea of what a boyfriend should be, something dictated by years of seeing other people live their relationships in a certain way, and I always ahd the lingering feeling that she was not appreciating me for who I am, but rather she was constantly pitching me against that ideal model she had in her mind.

I miss her, but I also dread trying again with her, because there was frustration on my part, and I feel like this is the chance to get a clean cut.

 

 

Thank you for your comments, guys. They mean a lot. Waking up and seeing new replies/viewpoints is helping me a great deal. My family and friends are also there for me, but I value external input, and I try to be as objective as I can.

[MissCanuck]

55 minutes ago, WandererBoy said:

What is also tearing me apart now is that we had planned holidays together in a month, and now it would feel so jarring to go through with them.

Definitely do not go on holiday together. 

[Cherylyn]

14 hours ago, WandererBoy said:

 

I am starting to think that I am not fit for relationships. Even when I try my hardest, it is usually not good enough. With this girl here now I was not the perfect boyfriend, I could have done more and I admit it. But I was supportive, caring, and even started giving her gifts, something that I don't like doing, but it mattered to her. She has a very clear idea of what a boyfriend should be, something dictated by years of seeing other people live their relationships in a certain way, and I always ahd the lingering feeling that she was not appreciating me for who I am, but rather she was constantly pitching me against that ideal model she had in her mind.

I miss her, but I also dread trying again with her, because there was frustration on my part, and I feel like this is the chance to get a clean cut.

 

 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.  You can't generalize that you're not fit for relationships.  The secret to a successful relationship is to find the right one.  Fortunately,  I found the right one regarding my husband and the life we've built together with raising our sons in a very settled suburb. 

As for you,  both of you didn't click.  She prefers gifts whereas you didn't enjoy gift giving and that's ok.  I myself don't get excited over gifts because most of the time,  while appreciated,  I truly prefer to choose my own gifts whatever it may be.  Tastes are individual and not everyone can read my mind or I may have to sleep on it before I decide what I want or don't want. 

Sure,  appreciating each other for who they are is important.  However,  there needs to be a lot of common ground so tolerance and acceptance doesn't outweigh personality and character preferences in each other.  Often times,  there are too many personality and character differences.  Hence,  it's better to part ways until you find someone more compatible and a better match.  Shop around.