Nervous for a date

[Jaunty]

Alex,  he bails because something else seemed more interesting at that particular time.  

He bought new shoes and supposedly a tent and other "supplies."  He spent $100 driving around aimlessly and evidently breakfast AND lunch AND a movie.  Ridiculous.  

You obviously don't care about going out.  You seem to love sitting and watching TV more than anything else.  So he has no reason to think you want to do any activities.  

You said he has a good well paying job.  He lives in a "slum" and is not making house payments. Where is the money he earns?

Stop making excuses please. 

Who's taking care of the pets on his vacations?

[LootieTootie]

This guy is just a hot mess... 

I think maybe he didnt want to do the deed with you Saturday night. I mentioned to you about not putting a date when to have sex because it puts pressure on you and on him. 

It doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. He could have felt it was too soon but wanted to say whatever to keep you happy.

I'm sorry Alex, this guy is a very low bar you set for yourself 😞 Maybe get back on OLD and look for more matches?

[Jaunty]

3 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

His version of Saturday- I really wanted to see you, and spend time with you, and you were so happy and I just wanted to take care of you and make you happy. 

"Take care of you" how?  Watching TV shows on the couch and giving you compliments?  

He could have worked on your yard - or not bailed out on the sleepover plan.  Or the next day plan.  

It would serve you well to completely shut out any of whatever crap he's telling you that has you lulled into such a stupor that you are not even registering the actual behavior he shows you.

Just let the nice compliments or whatever float on by.  Judge him ENTIRELY and ONLY by his actions.

This will include his pet care.

[NighttimeNightmare]

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I don't think he can cook well, so he buys a lot of fast food

 

12 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

 

I think he's irresponsible and broke. 

 

 

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

I do think he has stomach issues

 

26 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

bails because he loves smoking cigars and drinking with his buddies

 

9 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

He bails because he feels he can't take me out for a meal

Omg who cares about the whys? 
 

let me ask you this: for you, do the reasons mean the behavior is justified and thus acceptable, or rather forgivable, in your mind?

[Jaunty]

6 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Omg who cares about the whys? 
 

Exactly.

I know I've mentioned drugs a couple of times on here.  Let me make something clear.  It doesn't matter whether he is on drugs or not on drugs.  HE ACTS EXACTLY LIKE AN ADDICT.  

There's nothing inherently wrong with drugs, except they are usually bad for your health in excess.  So is fast food.  it's the behavior people who are addicted to anything - drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, shopping, whatever - exhibit.

Why are addicts bad to be involved with? 

They are not reliable.

They spend all their money on their fixes.

They are not honest.

They might be sick a lot (withdrawals).

They always have a pressing major priority that comes before their loved ones.

THEY ARE NOT PRESENT.

So, Alex, I am NOT saying he's on drugs or addicted to anything.  But the reasons not to be involved with an addict are the exact same reasons NOT to be involved with this guy.  

He has nothing to offer you besides compliments.  He doesn't even pretend to.  He's barely there.  

 

[NighttimeNightmare]

9 minutes ago, LootieTootie said:

Maybe get back on OLD and look for more matches?

She will repeat this same pattern and dynamic with the next man.  
 

this isn’t about finding “better” and then everything is good. This is something with her that she’s got to figure out and fix 

[NighttimeNightmare]

16 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

His version of Saturday- I really wanted to see you, and spend time with you, and you were so happy and I just wanted to take care of you and make you happy. 

Word salad.  Why does this make you feel so good? His actions don’t match what he’s saying  

 

this is something I’d say to a girl I didn’t really like, but wanted to placate because it felt sorta good to have her waiting around for me when I was done with my friends and other women who were more interesting. 
 

when a man actually likes a woman, and the man is capable of healthy interactions, he shows up for her.   
 

there’s a lady I like right now, we aren’t even in a relationship and one night she told me she was distressed about something. You know what I did? I drove to her house to help her. Actions. 

[LootieTootie]

Just now, NighttimeNightmare said:

She will repeat this same pattern and dynamic with the next man.  
 

this isn’t about finding “better” and then everything is good. This is something with her that she’s got to figure out and fix 

I totally agree... I guess I am looking at a quick exit for Alex (even tho I know she is not inclined). But the quickest way out right now is to stop being stuck on this guy if she found other potential matches. The more she just focuses and "wait around all day" for him, ugh thats more time wasted and invested on him, an unworthy suitor.

Sorry Alex, but you are worth so much more and need to be a priority and this guy doesn't see it.

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

. He reminds me of a 16 year old boy sometimes I do think sometimes he doesn't want me around or bails because he loves smoking cigars and drinking with his buddies. 

Agree, he prefers this. Unfortunately he doesn't really seem to want a GF or being tied down. He just acquiesced when you brought up the exclusively talk. 

[Jaunty]

He's down with sitting around Alex's nice place sometimes instead of in his slum apartment with the pet food and water on the floor.   If he wants to do something "fun" he's elsewhere.

[Sindy_0311]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree, he prefers this. Unfortunately he doesn't really seem to want a GF or being tied down. He just acquiesced when you brought up the exclusively talk. 

Alex, again, I cannot understand why he asked or agreed for exclusivity. This for me is the main issue from the start and is maybe what made you loose some sense of discernment. Now in hindsight, can you explain how this exactly happened… sorry to bring this up again…but honestly, did you ask and he agreed? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

Alex, again, I cannot understand why he asked or agreed for exclusivity. This for me is the main issue from the start and is maybe what made you loose some sense of discernment. Now in hindsight, can you explain how this exactly happened… sorry to bring this up again…but honestly, did you ask and he agreed? 

They’re playing house; it’s like a real-life sims simulator.  
 

the characters have become sentient and we’re watching them housekeep 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/22/2023 at 11:31 PM, Alex39 said:

Do you think I should casually ask about being exclusive? Not boyfriend/girlfriend, but about dating others/stopping that? This was date 4. 

I think you brought up the exclusive talk way too soon.  While he's on vacation with his family next week consider getting a good profile and pics on quality paid relationship focused apps. At least you need a credit card for paid apps.  And there tends to be more serious daters.

He's the something-for-nothing-type, maybe worse than the guy you let move in. So avoid free apps for a while. But please don't consider yourself "exclusive" just because he agreed. It's your life. Make it what you want it to be. Don't settle for something like this.

[Starlight925]

He can buy expensive camping items and a motorcycle, but he can't buy a $20 spill-proof bowl for his pets?  That's not poor money management.  That's animal cruelty.

He's not "bad with money".  He makes poor financial decisions.

He can't cook, so he gets fast food.  Can he open a can of soup?   A bag of mixed greens?  A can of tuna?  Heck, they even sell tuna already mixed up in those little packets.  He can open a packet, no?

You said he reminds you of a 16 year-old.  Reminds me of a guy I dated; I used to say he was a grown man in little boy pants.  Same same....had to cobble for rent every month, but had enough money for what he wanted (in his case, sporting events & concert tickets).

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I think he's irresponsible and broke. 

Not a good combination. 

I'm responsible and broke. I have a lot of schooling debt. But I have a home, a solid paycheck. I don't eat out or go crazy with spending. I struggle, but don't not pay bills. I just live tight. I think a huge part of his problem is a bad budget. 

I don't think he can cook well, so he buys a lot of fast food. I buy groceries and maximize my spending. I cook in most nights. He's wasting money. 

He's getting a big check bonus from his work in a month. He's already talking about buying a motorcycle. To me, a foolish purchase. Then he talks about visiting family in Florida in November.  We're in Michigan area. 

He mentioned maybe me going with him previously. But then the other day he mentions just himself going. It's all too confusing to me. Maybe because we are so new he doesn't know? 

The real issues are he is thoughtless, disrespectful and rude to you as a pattern.  Please stop with these mundane pros and cons like from the Newlywed Game from the 70s.   Or some silly sitcom.  That meets your standards? Does it meet anyone's? (Anyone who is reasonably healthy)

[boltnrun]

He knows eating fast food and drinking cause "stomach issues". But does he change his behavior? Nope. He would rather bail on you than open a can of soup or heat up a frozen meal. 

Since you refuse to answer I presume you either didn't get intimate or he bailed right after to wipe up water and pet food. Or whatever.

Alex, when you imagine the type of relationship you would like to have does it look like this one? No justifications or excuses. Does it or doesn't it?

[Jaunty]

Some people like a lot of control in their relationships.  Maybe this guy, who probably no other woman would want but OP finds attractive, fits the bill.   

 

 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Alex39 said:

I don't think he can cook well, so he buys a lot of fast food. I buy groceries and maximize my spending. I cook in most nights. 

You don't seem compatible at all.  It's probably best to end things. However a word of caution about mothering and smothering behavior.

You shouldn't be worrying about whether he gets home cooked meals or home baked cookies. It's not cute that he lives like a 16 year old, but mothering unfortunately attracts these types to you. 

His financial problems are a symptom of general irresponsible behavior and have nothing to do with fast food.  

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't seem compatible at all.  It's probably best to end things. However a word of caution about mothering and smothering behavior.

You shouldn't be worrying about whether he gets home cooked meals or home baked cookies. It's not cute that he lives like a 16 year old, but mothering unfortunately attracts these types to you. 

His financial problems are a symptom of general irresponsible behavior and have nothing to do with fast food.  

I agree. I read what she wrote to mean that they are different in this way.Not about her worrying about his health.

Alex I hope you will close the door on this so you can open doors to people who are worthy of your time and attention.  He is not.

[Starlight925]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You don't seem compatible at all.  It's probably best to end things. However a word of caution about mothering and smothering behavior.

You shouldn't be worrying about whether he gets home cooked meals or home baked cookies. It's not cute that he lives like a 16 year old, but mothering unfortunately attracts these types to you. 

His financial problems are a symptom of general irresponsible behavior and have nothing to do with fast food.  

The bolded, above, sort of says it all about this guy:   It's not cute the he lives like a 16 year old, yet it appears that you think it is cute.

Re:  You buy groceries & cook.  He'd love for you to buy all the groceries, like for this upcoming camping trip.  Does he not know how to shop?  And no, it's not your job or your place to take him to the grocery store and teach him.  He's a big boy in 12-year old boy pants.

I'm confused about the upcoming timeline:

His birthday?  Are you going to be with him?
Camping trip....still on?

[Alex39]

We spent tonight together for his birthday. He made the plan with me and stuck to it. It was all really really good. I still want to be with him. So no judgement please. We are getting together again on Thursday. He's set on that plan. 

He does include me a lot in his life. Sending me pictures of him at work, doing that yard work this past Sunday. He went to a concert with his friend and was sending me pictures and videos. He was conversing with me during it. Even tonight, he's texting me clothes he's ordering for himself online.  To me, that shows he thinks of me, even when we aren't together. Sometimes he wants my opinion on stuff. He calls me and goes over his day. He asks me about stuff he should do. Asks about my day, which is usually pretty lame. 

Its tough, I feel like I don't send him a lot or ask him a lot.  I work at home. I don't do much exciting to share. I shared a few pics when I was away on my girls weekend. But normally, I have nothing to share. Now next week he'll be away on an exciting vacation adventure and I'll have nothing exciting to share. 

I feel like he's including me in his life, but how much am I including him in mine? I've never been in a solid long term relationship. I feel a bit inexperienced. He was married. I have no idea what that's like. 

[itsallgrand]

I will respect your wish to not judge you staying with him.

This isn't a solid long term or even solid short term relationship though so I'm not going to indulge the "I don't know how to do this" ...you already know how to be in the kind of relationship you are in now. 

 

[Jaunty]

OK, no judgement for staying with the guy, and I won't say "I told you so"  next time you cry when he does the same thing he's done before.

But ... buying clothes online when he was saving up to "soon" buy spill-proof bowls for his pets?  

Is it OK if I judge him?

[Alex39]

3 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

OK, no judgement for staying with the guy, and I won't say "I told you so"  next time you cry when he does the same thing he's done before.

But ... buying clothes online when he was saving up to "soon" buy spill-proof bowls for his pets?  

Is it OK if I judge him?

I understand his financial situation. He's very transparent with me about it. I haven't given specific details on it here. 

He received a gift card for his birthday. He doesn't have many new clothes. He was excited to have a few new outfits for his upcoming trip. So he used this gift card for a clothing store. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Alex39 said:

He does include me a lot in his life. Sending me pictures of him at work, doing that yard work this past Sunday. He went to a concert with his friend and was sending me pictures and videos. He was conversing with me during it. Even tonight, he's texting me clothes he's ordering for himself online.  To me, that shows he thinks of me, even when we aren't together. Sometimes he wants my opinion on stuff. He calls me and goes over his day. He asks me about stuff he should do.

When did he help you with yard work on Sunday?  Didn't he bail on you that day?  I'm confused. 

Anyway, I won't judge either, but since admittedly you've never been in a healthy relationship before, please know including you in his life would mean actually taking you to the concert, NOT going with his friend and sending you pics and texting you during.  

Nor does it mean sending you pics of his work or buying clothes or asking your opinion. 

NOT when he's not doing other things like spending time with you outside your home, sharing activities, meeting his friends and having him meet yours, etc. 

Do you ever wonder why he doesn't seem to want to spend time with you in public?  I find it quite strange myself. 

He's obviously not a homebody since he's out and about with his friends and family.

That said, on the positive side, yes he's thinking of you which is very nice.

I think as long as you don't expect or ask that he give you any more than he's capable or desirous of giving, like spending time outside your home, sharing activities together, spending the entire night with you including sexual intimacy, and waking up together, it may work out.

Wishing you all the best.