Boyfriend doesn't seem to value our relationship

[qwertyuiop1]

My boyfriend and I have been together 20 months. I have children. He has one child. 

But the relationship in my opinion is coming to a cross road. In the beginning while he was still sharing a home with his ex wife I would give him a space to rant about his ex wife on the phone. I would be there for him whenever he needed to talk.  

But nearly two years in it hasn't stopped . One episode a few weeks ago he called his ex wife useless and said that she and her current partner wouldn't last . My boyfriend complains about his ex new partner a lot. To the point he seems to know too much about their relationship. I have told him to stop talking about them but only a few days ago he was complaining once again when this new partner was doing something for his former in-laws.

When his ex changed the locks after he moved out he was so annoyed that he rang and ranted to me about it. I wanted to be supportive but I was on his ex's side. This was no longer his home. 

My boyfriend has visitation at his ex's house during the week - from the amount information I get about his ex and her new partner that she is sharing this information with my boyfriend- this information has nothing to do with the child's care.

When I was sharing a special private moment with his child (and him). He took pictures and videos , discovered he had share one of these pictures with his ex to update her on what the child was doing. It felt he took away from that moment from me as I was bounding with his child. I was not sent any of these pictures/videos. 

I have this nagging feeling in my gut that my boyfriend sometimes uses his child to keep in constant contact with his ex wife - there is sharing but he shares what his child is eats and what WE get up - multiple texts during a few hours 

He tells his ex when we are going on dates -  cinema and concerts. On our year anniversary his ex texted, he wouldn't tell me what it was about , within a few moments he asked me to look at these men that were his ex's fantasy type not mine. All I wanted to admire that evening was my boyfriend. I dressed up really sexy . My boyfriend not once during the whole night touch me. My boyfriend just wasn't present that whole evening. 

I know he hasn't let go. He wants my advice on something that is attach to the former home he shared with his ex - its no longer his home.

We are going to a family event soon but I am so anxious about meeting some of his family that I asked if I could meet his parents beforehand in private. I have not been invited to meet them. 

My boyfriend has meet my parents, siblings , my adult children and my two best friends. I even brought him to visit my friends home.

I want to see how he acts on this family event- if texts his ex during it I have to speak up were we are going because this my moment to be introduced to his family. 

 

[MissCanuck]

This man is not over his ex-wife. 

I'm sorry, OP. I would not continue the relationship at all, much less worry about meeting his family.

[Lambert]

I am sorry this is happening. This is very painful and unfair to you.

Sounds like he's still mentally and emotionally with his ex wife. That sucks.  But the good news is-  It's on you to decide what you will and won't put up with. 

Hoping and waiting for someone else to change is a waste of your time and your love.  You deserve to be with someone equally in it with you. Anything less is just marking time. 

When we stay with someone that isn't meeting our needs, we're basically saying our needs don't count. 

[Batya33]

I’m sorry this is so frustrating and you have a lot of insight and wisdom into what’s going on. How long was the divorce final when you 2 started dating ?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, qwertyuiop1 said:

I know he hasn't let go. He wants my advice on something that is attach to the former home he shared with his ex - its no longer his home.

Sorry this is happening. You're instincts are correct. He's definitely over involved with the ex.

Try to stop  listening to his rants and emotion dumping. It's not good for you to endure this.

He has a long way to go. He's not present in your relationship.

Suggest he see a therapist. There's no point dumping on you. Unfortunately you may want to view this red flag as to why he's divorced. 

Change the subject asap if he brings it up. He's like a tornado going through your life. Once he's gotten all this support and free therapy, you'll have to clean up the wreckage because this is a rebound situation for him.

 

 

[Andrina]

I don't know what you find enjoyable about his company when it involves all that negativity and inappropriate communication with an ex.

When the change that you hope for is major, he is the wrong man for you. You were a convenient branch for that monkey to swing to when his past crashed down. And let me guess--he lives with you because he doesn't have his crap together. If you break up with him, believe me, it won't be long before he finds another woman to seek shelter with and then he'll be badmouthing two women. But who cares? You won't have to be around anymore. Since he's treating you like you're invisible, disappear.

[catfeeder]

I'd rather be alone and happy than be with someone who makes me feel lonely. 

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, qwertyuiop1 said:

But nearly two years in it hasn't stopped . One episode a few weeks ago he called his ex wife useless and said that she and her current partner wouldn't last . My boyfriend complains about his ex new partner a lot.

Geeze 😕 .. sounds like he's jealous and not 'over it' yet.

When did YOU come along in all of this?  Was it soon, after they split? ( let me guess.. she ended it?), lol.  ( Often the dumpee takes a lot longer to be accepting & over the BU).

There's way too many red flags in your whole post -- WHY are you okay with any of this? 

 

 

 

[Jibralta]

Quote

Boyfriend doesn't seem to value our relationship

I think you are correct. He doesn't value your relationship.

 

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, qwertyuiop1 said:

 he was still sharing a home with his ex wife I would give him a space to rant about his ex 

Unfortunately this is a huge red flag.  Please put the needs and wellbeing of yourself and your children first.  Please cut your losses and free yourself from this. 

Invest your time and energy on your children and yourself. Please don't expose your children to someone who rants and raves about his divorce.

Take some time to reflect why you accepted these things and went down this dark road despite the red flags.

[smackie9]

OK I just got to the post where he says his ex wife is useless. That right there hun is your cue to get out. He's too immature, and takes no accountability so with that he can't go forward in a positive manner/have a happy life. Tip: when you meet someone that spends their time bashing their ex...that's a huge red flag. You just don't go there. IMO you just wasted 20 months of your life on this guy.