Looking for some insight..

[JennyJ4408]

So I’ve been friends with this girl over 20 years. We went elementary, middle, and high school together. It’s not one of this “Ive known you for 20 years but we see eachother here and there” friendships. We literally have been in the same spaces since I was 12. Now, I’m recent days, she has been dealing with a lot. Her husband went to jail about 6 or 7 years ago and left her with 3 kids to raise. She has been struggling financially constantly. I have been there for her literally through EVERYTHING if my own finances allow it. Anytime she needs me. Gas money, kids are hungry, she’s late on a light bill...EVERYTHING. A lot of times she says she’ll pay me back but RARELY does that happen. Most times I don’t even ask for it because I know her situation and that she doesn’t have any help. Her family does little to help even though she helps them whenever they call. So it’s been years and that’s what our friendship has been. I can count on one hand how many times she’s assisted me with anything. I may have called her for a ride when my car was down but that’s about it. Now recently, she borrowed a larger sum of money from me than I usually would give her. I let her borrow it even though she had yet to pay me back any other money from earlier. (I understand this is stupid, trust me) but I know she has kids and I really feel for situation. Most time it’s amounts that I can afford to let go but this time I needed it because I had so many things to do. She said she’d pay me back the following week. It’s now been 6 weeks and I haven’t heard ANYTHING from her. I texted her last week and she said she had some side work planned for the next day to give me the money but you guessed it....I didn’t hear a peep from her! It’s honestly not so much about the money. It’s the lack of respect and appreciation that I’m realizing! How do you owe someone money and not say a mumbling word in 6 weeks knowing full well you were supposed to give it back a week after borrowing it?! Like, what makes you think “I” don’t need it?! Who are you to make the decision that I don’t need my money?? I mean, it’s been 6 weeks. She could have said “hey, can I give you $25 until I pay it off?” That would have been fine! But it’s the lack of consideration that I can’t understand. Maybe I’ve done this to myself for letting her slide with so many loans in the past but this is different because I literally asked for it back so that should let her know that I needed it. There has been no contact whatsoever and I just feel completely disregarded. I don’t know if I’m 100% surprised though because it’s not event completely about the money. She’s honestly not a very good friend. I call her, check on her, I’m there for her kids, ask her how she’s doing, etc but she doesn’t reciprocate any of that. If we talk, it’s because I initiated it. I understand she’s going through a tough time but we’re all battling things! (Check on your strong friends!) I don’t want to make her seem like a horrible person because she’s not. We’ve have many great times and conversations. I honestly just don’t think she’s a good friend but also don’t know how to end a 20 year friendship. But one thing I do know is, I’m tired of giving 100% while she gives 15%! 

[Seraphim]

I wouldn’t give her another cent and nor would I answer her calls. 

[JennyJ4408]

8 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I wouldn’t give her another cent and nor would I answer her calls. 

I don’t plan to! I called her tonight and got no answer. That let’s me know everything.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, JennyJ4408 said:

. Her husband went to jail about 6 or 7 years ago and left her with 3 kids to raise. She has been struggling financially constantly. I have been there for her literally through EVERYTHING if my own finances allow it. 

Sorry this is happening. She needs to go to social services and get help with food stamps financial assistance childcare career training and whatever government assistance she is eligible for. 

Please stop enabling this person. She has other options for assistance including government, charitable organizations, faith based organizations, and helping herself. 

Try not to expect a 50/50 friendship from her. Or hope you can buy friendship by being overly generous and then resenting it.  

Redirect her to the appropriate resources for the assistance she needs. 

[Kwothe28]

You know what is the fastest way to lose friends? Borrow them money, you will never see them again! 😁

Anyway, what did you expect? Some people are "users". Meaning that they look at your friendship through the prism of using you in some sense. In this case its money. She borrowed it before and you forgave her so she now borrowed large sum and hoping you can forgive her again. Dont think you will see that money ever again.

Also, lose the friends like this. This is not a good friendship and you know that. Just because you are friends for 20 years doesnt mean she can use you.

[MissCanuck]

You’ve allowed this to go on way too long. It’s beyond time to cut her off completely. 

Unfortunately, you also need to make peace with the fact that you’re never getting that money back. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You’ve allowed this to go on way too long. It’s beyond time to cut her off completely. 

Unfortunately, you also need to make peace with the fact that you’re never getting that money back. 

Same. I have friends for much longer than that although often with a few years break -yesterday I texted with my friend since age 12 -we're almost 57.  I am very very careful with $ lending.  I only lend what I don't mind never seeing again.  I hate having to ask. During covid I had to ask my friend twice to venmo me the $100 I'd paid to her for tickets to a show that was covid-cancelled.  I hated that she forgot -she thanked me for reminding her but if it were me I'd have put it in my phone as a reminder if I couldn't repay the person that very day.  I feel many people feel as I do.

I help in many other ways. Also whenever a friend is starting a new business or doing one of those MLMs I am clear up front I want no participation. I like -for fun -giving advice to people starting up businesses even though I never have -and apparently I'm really good at it and at being a practical sounding board -I do this as a friend but I am clear that I will not be investing any $. 

 

A good friend called me the other day -she wants to have coffee with my husband because she feels he has good contacts related to her new real estate business.  She has been so good to us the last 10 years -the "it takes a village to raise a child" sort of thing but I was polite and firm with her -I said "he is swamped at work.  he is traveling a lot.  we need him here as much as possible so even scheduling a coffee is onerous right now but more importantly -he is not the right person to connect you -he doesn't have the contacts you think he does." 

Then I offered her several networking alternatives including that I would help as well and I had been -I'd already been referring her to people.  It was really awkward to say "no" (my husband likes her but coffee for that purpose would have been awkward and uproductive).  I think she was a bit taken aback at the moment but I also knew -we are very open with each other -I didn't want to offer to loan her my husband for coffee and then have to deal with his not being able to schedule or it being at a super inconvenient time.  

Take a deep breath and stop acting like a doormat. Practice saying no.  With no huge drama or apologies.  I totally agree with helping by referrals to resources.  

 

[Big Stan]

There's an old saying that comes to mind here.  "If you want to never talk to someone again loan them a large sum of money".  That's what happened here and as you said you should have known better.  Never ever loan someone money that you need, and any time you borrow money to someone without a legit iron clad contract you can assume that money is gone.  

Take this as a lesson for yourself about playing the white knight.  Never put more into a friendship than the other person is willing to put in.  Marriage is a whole other thing, that person has already committed to you.  This woman wasn't even your girlfriend from the sounds of it, she just kept you around and used you for money.  

Before you even got to the the "didn't pay me back" part I already knew how this story was going to end because of how obvious this whole thing is.  Chances are you aren't getting that money back, you just paid that money to learn a lesson.  Make sure you learned it. 

It's natural to want to help friends out but an actual friend isn't going to use you.  So if all they do is take from you without giving something in return they aren't really your friend. 

[catfeeder]

On 5/25/2023 at 11:43 PM, JennyJ4408 said:

Maybe I’ve done this to myself for letting her slide with so many loans in the past but this is different

No, sorry, it's no different. A pattern of past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. The woman never pays you back.

If you want to put a period at the end of this sentence, you could file a small claim. She might pay you before needing to go to court.

Either way, no matter how you slice it, this woman is not your friend.

[Cherylyn]

I commend you for being a very compassionate friend.  Like you,  I was in hero mode.  I wanted to save the world or save the day so to speak.  My cousin married a bad guy,  they have children and I did everything for her.  My husband, sons and I cooked,  bought expensive gifts for her and her children,  gave them gift cards,  entertained them in my home after their travels,  treated them to expensive restaurants,  I offered tons of moral support, etc.  I did the same for a neighbor whose husband was an alcoholic,  house sat and so much more through the years.  I burned out.  We went our separate ways permanently.

As for your friend,  don't expect repayment,  reciprocation of any sort,  kind words of acknowledgment, gratitude or anything because you will never receive it.  Regarding the money,  you might as well kiss it good-bye forever because she will never repay you.  No way.  Forget it. 

Some people use others and your friend is one of them.  To her,  she is in pure survival mode.  To you, it's "friends" and she does not see it this way.  In her vision,  you are nothing more than her meal ticket.  No more,  no less.  It's the hard truth. 

She is an energy vampire.  You need to dump her.  Go no contact forever.  Block,  delete everywhere and sever ties permanently.  You need to walk away. 

[JennyJ4408]

On 5/28/2023 at 2:44 PM, Cherylyn said:

I commend you for being a very compassionate friend.  Like you,  I was in hero mode.  I wanted to save the world or save the day so to speak.  My cousin married a bad guy,  they have children and I did everything for her.  My husband, sons and I cooked,  bought expensive gifts for her and her children,  gave them gift cards,  entertained them in my home after their travels,  treated them to expensive restaurants,  I offered tons of moral support, etc.  I did the same for a neighbor whose husband was an alcoholic,  house sat and so much more through the years.  I burned out.  We went our separate ways permanently.

As for your friend,  don't expect repayment,  reciprocation of any sort,  kind words of acknowledgment, gratitude or anything because you will never receive it.  Regarding the money,  you might as well kiss it good-bye forever because she will never repay you.  No way.  Forget it. 

Some people use others and your friend is one of them.  To her,  she is in pure survival mode.  To you, it's "friends" and she does not see it this way.  In her vision,  you are nothing more than her meal ticket.  No more,  no less.  It's the hard truth. 

She is an energy vampire.  You need to dump her.  Go no contact forever.  Block,  delete everywhere and sever ties permanently.  You need to walk away. 

You’re absolutely right about her being in survival mode and me just helping out a friend! I called her and let her know that I’m tired of being the only one contributing to this friendship. I understand she has it hard but a text or call is free and she can’t even do that. She even tried to gaslight me by saying I’m acting like one of her other friends who stopped being friends with her years ago. I said “no! Stop pretending as if everyone else is the problem and look in the mirror! It’s you!” I completely understand now why her old friend ended their friendship. Because she sucks at it!!

[spinstermanquee]

Dear Jenny, sorry you are experiencing this.  Hope you will heed all the good feedback above.  Hugs - Spin

[Cherylyn]

16 hours ago, JennyJ4408 said:

You’re absolutely right about her being in survival mode and me just helping out a friend! I called her and let her know that I’m tired of being the only one contributing to this friendship. I understand she has it hard but a text or call is free and she can’t even do that. She even tried to gaslight me by saying I’m acting like one of her other friends who stopped being friends with her years ago. I said “no! Stop pretending as if everyone else is the problem and look in the mirror! It’s you!” I completely understand now why her old friend ended their friendship. Because she sucks at it!!

Yes,  the light turned on in your brain.  🙂  I agree,  her only concern is being in survival mode and to you,  you're helping out a friend!  It's a waste of your precious time and energy to call her to let her know anything including how tired you are being the only one contributing to this friendship.  Not that it's an excuse but she doesn't have any brain space for you.  Her only concern is "bread and butter" type concerns.  Trying to explain anything to those who are overwhelmed with their own troubles is like talking to a wall.  It will get you nowhere.  ☹️ They're efforts in futility and hopeless lost causes. 

I'm glad you know what gaslighting is.  Gaslighting is deflecting,  changing the subject,  twisting the conversation around back to you so you are to blame,  not them.  Gaslighting is manipulating the conversation and it's psychological warfare to confuse you so you're left defending yourself in maddening,  vicious,  endless circles.  It's nothing I hadn't experienced before.  ☹️  I've noticed gaslighters tend to be narcissists which is a serious mental disorder for which there is no cure.  Narcissists lack empathy;  they never place themselves in other people's shoes. 

I'm glad you've since written her off.  Good riddance!  <==This should be your mindset.