Was she just being nice or...

[Wiseman2]

39 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

 I can only assume she's being cordial or polite.  

This is appropriate to assume from the circumstances you described. That's ok. If she contacts you for something outside of the events you can take her up on it. 

But she doesn't seem that interested in dating the volunteers. Maybe it's her personal policy and it's a good one.

[OneOverEx]

44 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Exactly. I don't sabotage anything, I just anticipate they'll go a certain way based on past experiences. And based on past experiences I have no real, legitimate reason to believe this woman has a remote vested interest. I'm not going to be mean to her, or distant or ghost...I'm not sabotaging anything.

WRONG!  You are sabotaging yourself.  Here's just one piece of evidence:

On 6/5/2023 at 11:34 AM, TheLambOfDeth said:

I don't always wear the ring, and no, I've had friends...male friends tell me it's a thing women notice and not to wear it. I'm not going to lecture anyone about anything. I just like the ring, and that's the only finger it fits on.

Your personal friends told you NOT to wear the ring, but you rejected their helpful advice and wore it anyway.  Your lady friend noticed it, asked you about it, and you had to explain your actions to her.  (Never a good thing, BTW.) You've had people here tell you it was a bad idea, and yet you still defend your actions.

What useful purpose does wearing that ring provide you, anyway?  It is clearly doing you no favors, but maybe that's what you want -- self-defeating self sabotage because you're unhappy with yourself.  And if you're unhappy with yourself, no one else is going to be happy knowing you.

[TheLambOfDeth]

16 minutes ago, OneOverEx said:

WRONG!  You are sabotaging yourself.  Here's just one piece of evidence:

Your personal friends told you NOT to wear the ring, but you rejected their helpful advice and wore it anyway.  Your lady friend noticed it, asked you about it, and you had to explain your actions to her.  (Never a good thing, BTW.) You've had people here tell you it was a bad idea, and yet you still defend your actions.

What useful purpose does wearing that ring provide you, anyway?  It is clearly doing you no favors,

FYI...she actually had a ring on her ringfinger and wears it to dispel interest from people she's not interested in...so I didn't have to explain anything to anyone.

Also, you must've conveniently missed the post where I mention I've gone out dozens of times with no ring on and it's made literally no difference in terms of attention from women. So not wearing it hasn't done me any favors, either. I'm not sabotaging anything, I'm just ugly. Now please tell me the real reason I can't get a single match on any dating site is bc of my omnipresent, nonvisible ring. Clearly, that's the reason...all the women on OLD sites can just sense I wear a ring on my finger, and they all magically never like my profile, amirite??

Quote

but maybe that's what you want -- self-defeating self sabotage because you're unhappy with yourself.  And if you're unhappy with yourself, no one else is going to be happy knowing you.

That's not only condescending, but it's also categorically false. I want opportunities, which I never get no matter if I try online or IRL, ring or not. But please tell me more of what I really want, random person who apparently knows me better than I do myself...

[OneOverEx]

No, you're going out of your way to look for failure so you can come back and say, "See?  I was right!  I'm a failure.  All you successful people were wrong".

And so it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

And it doesn't matter that she was wearing a ring.  She even told you it was to deflect unwelcome attention.  What's your excuse for wearing one?

As far as "ugly" is concerned, I remember seeing this kid in high school who had a face that was covered in zits.  I had a few myself, and felt embarrassed and shamed, but not this guy.  He may have held the world's record, but he didn't wallow in self-pity.  He didn't have fame.  He didn't have fortune.  He wouldn't even have been good looking without his zits.  And yet, he was almost always surrounded by very cute girls.

From what I could see, he was obviously fun to be with because the girls seemed to enjoy his company.  And to be fun, you have to have a positive attitude.  He didn't let his zits stop him, and neither did any of his many girlfriends.  Get it?

45 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

But please tell me more of what I really want, random person who apparently knows me better than I do myself...

This is your thread.  You posed the original question. If this isn't what you're looking for, then why are you here?

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, OneOverEx said:

I remember seeing this kid in high school who had a face that was covered in zits.  I had a few myself, and felt embarrassed and shamed, but not this guy.  He may have held the world's record, but he wallow in self-pity.  He didn't have fame.  He didn't have fortune.  He wouldn't even have been good looking without his zits.  And yet, he was almost always surrounded by very cute girls.

From what I could see, he was obviously fun to be with.  And to be fun, you have to have a positive attitude.  He didn't let his zits stop him, and neither did any of his many girlfriends.  Get it?

Anecdotal.

😜

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, OneOverEx said:

No, you're going out of your way to look for failure so you can come back and say, "See?  I was right!  I'm a failure.  All you successful people were wrong".

You have no idea how ignorant this sounds. It is staggering how clueless some people can be...no matter how false your unfounded accusations are and how much you try to explain, everyone somehow knows your situation better. People are literally stating that people care more about the opinions of people behind a keyboard than their OWN happiness and wellbeing....wow

Its beyond insulting to imply a lonely, frustrated person cares more about proving some random internet strangers wrong, more than fostering their own real connection/partnership and having someone in their own life. Do you have any idea how stupid and wrong that is? I couldn't care less about proving any "successful" person wrong.

That's such a overtly vapid thing to even think. Pls stop projecting and perhaps listen. No ugly, lonely person CARES about that. No one in my postiton has the luxury of caring about that. We get to see everyone else find mates, and dates and opportunities, and we just have this void of any companionahip and you think i care about disproving the anecdotes of some randos on a forum above that?? What??

You have no idea how painful that is. And it only gets worse as it goes on. I can't even get a date across 5 diff apps. I don't have to "look" for failure...it's been everywhere for me. NO one gets to the point I am with women intentionally or on purpose. NO one looks for that. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. NO one thinks the way you're arrogantly hypothesizing to "prove a point". I would much rather be super, uber totally wrong and be successful in this respect.

People "looking for failure" don't spend hundreds on dating apps subs, likes, boosts, etc, send thousands of personalized messages and research for all manner or ways to be successful on any dating sites and many other things that are pointless to mention.

It's impossible for me to care if successful people are wrong or w/e and it's hilarious you think that could be someone's prime operative, over finding a fecking mate or partner. But I've gone out of my way to find success....in damn near every way possible any all I've gotten was failure.

Some of you really could stand to be more empathetic...or at least listen, smh. 

[OneOverEx]

38 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

You have no idea how ignorant you sounds.

You proved my point, once again.  "All you successful people are wrong."

I don't care how much time or money you've spent trying to find a suitable companion.  It was money and time wasted because when your friends tell you not to wear a stupid ring (for example), and you do it anyway, well... what more can be said?  You're your own worst enemy.

And then you say, we're the ones not listening?  Hmmm....

[TheLambOfDeth]

52 minutes ago, OneOverEx said:

You proved my point, once again.  "All you successful people are wrong."

I don't care how much time or money you've spent trying to find a suitable companion.  It was money and time wasted because when your friends tell you not to wear a stupid ring (for example), and you do it anyway, well... what more can be said?  You're your own worst enemy.

And then you say, we're the ones not listening?  Hmmm....

Who is talking about successful people?  And I didn't say anyone was wrong about how to get a partner or mate, but yes, you are blatantly wrong about my predicament and my priorities, bc you don't even know what it is. You literally just replied in this thread to tell me I was wrong, and nothing else. Like you keep framing it in this shallow way. Its weird. I don't even know what your point is. Where you're wrong is trying to tell someone that you somehow know they care more about the opinions of some strangers on a random forum than their own happiness. IDC how successful you are, that's a toxic thought process...and just blatantly farcical and beyond patronizing. And weirdly conceited. Someone literally mentions at length how and the multitude of ways they've tried to succeed, and you arbitrarily bring up a ring...as if that's even visible on dating sites. You have to be trolling. Either way, exchanges like this are of no benefit to me. Good day.

[OneOverEx]

You came here seeking advice, presumably from experienced and (yes) successful individuals who might be able to look into the mind of your lady friend to figure out what she's thinking.

And yet, we're told (over and over again) that we can't possibly understand YOU.  Well then, how can we possibly be expected to understand her?

49 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

You're wrong bc...

I'm wrong because I saw through your B.S. and called you out on it.  Plain and simple.  Others have too.

I don't want to hear another word about your life's failures or hardships, because we all have had them in various forms throughout our lives.  More importantly, every time you bring them up you're self-sabotaging yourself even more by re-enforcing your self-defeating mindset.

Don't attack the messenger(s) because you may not even be aware of how self damaging your thoughts and actions really are.  Don't blame outside forces, either.  The laws of physics, chemistry, and biology that apply to everyone else, apply in your world, too.

I'd say you have at least a 50% chance with this woman, but no one knows for sure because at this early stage of the game, the situation is still pretty fluid in her mind.

Take the advice given to you here seriously instead of flatly rejecting it out of hand.  Go with the flow, and maybe you'll be in for a pleasant surprise.  And if things don't work out, be mindful of the possibility that maybe she wasn't the right woman for you after all.  There are no guarantees in life.  Only choices.  Learn and move on (like the rest of us).

[WaywardKiwi]

5 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

FYI...she actually had a ring on her ringfinger and wears it to dispel interest from people she's not interested in...so I didn't have to explain anything to anyone.

She initiated the conversation about rings, and then used the opportunity to explain that she is single and dispel the self-created protective illusion she uses the ring for? Thats a pretty big sign of interest. 

Also, I suggest you stop responding to every "tough love" contributor who you feel is 'missing the point' regarding the magnitude of your past experiences. Reiterating your perceived failures again and again with such passionate responses only serves to remind you of them and further engender their psychological power of your current circumstance. You will no more convince us than we will convince you in terms of your more general views on dating, women and your own self engagement. You should be focusing on what you need to do here and now, not what did or did not happen in the period since your last relationship. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

48 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

She initiated the conversation about rings, and then used the opportunity to explain that she is single and dispel the self-created protective illusion she uses the ring for? Thats a pretty big sign of interest. 

Is it? It didn't seem like it. I feel like you could tell anyone that and it wouldn't really mean anything. Not an admission of interest or an invitation or anything beyond general conversation. At least that's how I took it. It's not like she said it in a flirty way or anything...idk.

48 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Also, I suggest you stop responding to every contributor who you feel 'missing the point'. Reiterating your past experiences again and again with such passionate responses only serves to remind you of them and further engender their psychological power of your current circumstance. You should be focusing on what you need to do here and now, not what did or did not happen in the period since your last relationship. 

You're probably right but it's hard not to respond when you feel like you're being patronized by someone that doesn't even understand what you going to. It's bad enough I have to deal with being alone..I shouldn't need to get kicked when I'm down as well...especially when I'm only seeking advice.

[Whirling D]

43 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Is it? It didn't seem like it. I feel like you could tell anyone that and it wouldn't really mean anything. Not an admission of interest or an invitation or anything beyond general conversation. At least that's how I took it. It's not like she said it in a flirty way or anything...idk.

You're probably right but it's hard not to respond when you feel like you're being patronized by someone that doesn't even understand what you going to. It's bad enough I have to deal with being alone..I shouldn't need to get kicked when I'm down as well...especially when I'm only seeking advice.

I would not like to think that I was patronizing you, because quite frankly, you have a lot more likely going for you than I ever have… 6 feet three… That’s a huge advantage.

I can completely relate to what you have been going through, but I haven’t given up. And it has paid off, seemingly.

so that seems to be where you and I are different.  You are choosing to roll over and play dead. I have not.

[WaywardKiwi]

47 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Is it? It didn't seem like it. I feel like you could tell anyone that and it wouldn't really mean anything. Not an admission of interest or an invitation or anything beyond general conversation. At least that's how I took it. It's not like she said it in a flirty way or anything...idk.

Logically, in disclosing that she is single and that the ring is specifically to discourage men who she is not interested in, she must have determined either that she is interested in you (at least enough that she doesnt want to discourage you) OR that you are not interested in her. My money is on the former, especially since she initiated the disclosure, thereby eliminating the risk that you would assume she is married (it would be irrelevant if you werent interested). It wouldn't make sense to go around disclosing her ring strategy to men who don't fit into the above categories.

[TheLambOfDeth]

14 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I would not like to think that I was patronizing you, because quite frankly, you have a lot more likely going for you than I ever have… 6 feet three… That’s a huge advantage.

Nope, not everyone has been patronizing, just some people. 

Also, fun fact: height is irrelevant to women. I've been 6'3 all my adult life and it's never done me any favors. Height is auxiliary. It only matters if you have other, more important attributes to pair it with, such as good looks or being shredded. A woman would take a short, good-looking guy over a tall, ugly one, ten times out of ten. Most women are short, so you don't even need to be that elevated to be taller than most of them, and some women don't even like tall guys.

14 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I can completely relate to what you have been going through, but I haven’t given up. And it has paid off, seemingly.

so that seems to be where you and I are different.  You are choosing to roll over and play dead. I have not.

As I thoroughly pointed out in my detailed reply to your last post, you're trying to compare dates with a woman you met on a dating profile who LIKED your profile, to going out with my pseudo-boss with her friends in a strictly friendly manner. You keep trying to compare these circumstances, and there are no grounds to do so. If I could get dates, I wouldn't be giving up, either. I have to resort to hoping some woman who's just being friendly, also happens to interested. It's pathetic tbh. it's easy to roll over and feign death when your only current option, isn't even an option...

[TheLambOfDeth]

21 minutes ago, WaywardKiwi said:

Logically, in disclosing that she is single and that the ring is specifically to discourage men who she is not interested in, she must have determined either that she is interested in you (at least enough that she doesnt want to discourage you) OR that you are not interested in her. My money is on the former, especially since she initiated the disclosure, thereby eliminating the risk that you would assume she is married (it would be irrelevant if you werent interested). It wouldn't make sense to go around disclosing her ring strategy to men who don't fit into the above categories.

I'm not saying you're wrong, as I'm not a woman...but I don't think that much thought went into it. It felt like a general, conversation and that just organically came up. It was disclosed in a friendly, safe space, to a guy she likely considers safe. I wasn't some guy at a bar hitting on her, I was a guy that's volunteered at her space, there with her and her friends... 

[HeartGoesOn]

Mod Note...Please keep it respectful when replying.

[kehratha]

11 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I would not like to think that I was patronizing you, because quite frankly, you have a lot more likely going for you than I ever have… 6 feet three… That’s a huge advantage.

I can completely relate to what you have been going through, but I haven’t given up. And it has paid off, seemingly.

so that seems to be where you and I are different.  You are choosing to roll over and play dead. I have not.

Bit of your own medicine, Whirl? :))))

[Whirling D]

9 minutes ago, kehratha said:

Bit of your own medicine, Whirl? :))))

Yeah, probably… 🙂
 

But I see ugly guys around all the time that are 6’3” with beautiful partners.  I see that more often than not. If a guy is tall, they almost always have a nice lady at their side. I can pretty much assure you it is not their charming personality that gets them dates. I even watch them closely, and most of the time the 6 foot three guys I see are fairly shy and don’t have much personality. But those ladies like them for some reason, and many many women will tell you that height is a big draw for them.  It makes many women feel more secure and safe.

I wrote in the other thread that a few months ago I began chatting with this nice lady on the local Facebook dating page… I thought we would have a lot in common to talk about, and she wasn’t getting much attention on that page, so I private messaged her and we chatted for a bit, and then I told her it would be nice to meet and chat for a bit because I thought we would have a lot to talk about…

she made up every excuse, and I let it go for a while, only to find that later she reposted her profile on that page, and at the end it stated something like… “I’m attracted to tall guys, between 6 feet and 6 feet three“ and that’s kind of a dealbreaker for me.”

I kind of wanted to say something a bit nasty to her after that, but we all know you can’t always help what you’re attracted to, I guess.

so, the OP I think may be oblivious to the fact that his 6 foot three height is a huge advantage to him, despite him saying that he thinks he’s ugly, which I highly doubt is true.

 

[OneOverEx]

11 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Also, fun fact: height is irrelevant to women. I've been 6'3 all my adult life and it's never done me any favors. Height is auxiliary. It only matters if you have other, more important attributes to pair it with, such as good looks or being shredded. A woman would take a short, good-looking guy over a tall, ugly one, ten times out of ten. Most women are short, so you don't even need to be that elevated to be taller than most of them, and some women don't even like tall guys.

Why So Many Women Prefer Tall Men: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201306/why-so-many-women-prefer-tall-men

Five Reasons Why Women and Men Care About Height: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/after-service/201909/5-reasons-why-women-and-men-care-about-height

(Google is your friend.  😄)

[kehratha]

11 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I can pretty much assure you it is not their charming personality that gets them dates. I even watch them closely, and most of the time the 6 foot three guys I see are fairly shy and don’t have much personality. But those ladies like them for some reason, and many many women will tell you that height is a big draw for them.  It makes many women feel more secure and safe.

 

On the contrary, I can pretty assure you that is exactly their personality that gets them dates (what you can find "charming" is not everybody's idea of "charming"). Tall or not, ugly or not. I have countless examples of ugly/short/bold whatever men who gets a lot attention from women. It's there attitude, personality, nature whatever. You and OP can spinning around over and over, but is that simple. 

Negativity doesn't sell.

[Whirling D]

4 minutes ago, kehratha said:

On the contrary, I can pretty assure you that is exactly their personality that gets them dates (what you can find "charming" is not everybody's idea of "charming"). Tall or not, ugly or not. I have countless examples of ugly/short/bold whatever men who gets a lot attention from women. It's there attitude, personality, nature whatever. You and OP can spinning around over and over, but is that simple. 

Negativity doesn't sell.

I don’t believe it is that simple. I will sit there and watch these really tall guys with beautiful women who are outgoing and engaging, and the tall guys just sit there like dopes without interacting, without showing any kind of real interest in the lady that is with them.

Of course, I have no idea what their history is or what their struggles might be, but it is mind boggling to watch two people sit across the table from each other, with one of them being completely checked out, and the other one showing so much signs of life that you wonder why the woman is with this dope in the first place. I see that over and over again.
 

So whether you want to chaulk it up to the tall dude having charm and personality, or she was attracted to him because he looked powerful and domineering, that’s a matter of speculation. Much of what I hear coming from women seems to indicate that tall is a big turn on, so I’m tempted to believe that. 
 

 

[kehratha]

4 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

So whether you want to chaulk it up to the tall dude having charm and personality, or she was attracted to him because he looked powerful and domineering, that’s a matter of speculation. Much of what I hear coming from women seems to indicate that tall is a big turn on, so I’m tempted to believe that. 
 

 

I'm not gonna lie, it's true, but the guy who "brought" me here many yrs ago was short (170 cm) , ugly as f, but damn he was sooo smart and articulate :))

Go figure :))

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

But I see ugly guys around all the time...

Who determines who's ugly?  You, me, the garbage man, grocery clerk, our own selves?

I don't think I have ever called or even felt anyone was 'ugly" in my whole life.  And I highly doubt even @TheLambOfDethis ugly.

HE believes he's ugly and that is the problem and is what stands in his way.  It's about low self esteem and feeling "less than".  Which reflects in the energy he projects to others including women and can be a turn off.

I've dated men who I considered HOT but my friends thought otherwise. One friend even commented "ewww you could do better." 

She is no longer my friend for other reasons, but the point is attractiveness is so subjective and if the energy is good and right can turn an "ugly" man (or woman) Into a God in some women's minds. 

Focus on your energy, the energy you project.  Energy trumps looks any day of the week and a man with a good positive energy can turn a less conventionally attractive man into the hottest man alive, it's happened to me and other women I know. 

There are many examples of this as well.

 

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

12 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Who determines who's ugly?  You, me, the garbage man, grocery clerk, our own selves?

I don't think I have ever called or even felt anyone was 'ugly" in my whole life.  And I highly doubt even @TheLambOfDethis ugly.

Maybe ask the literal thousands of women I've swiped on and sent messages to on every online dating site imaginable and let's get their collective opinion lol. Not just a couple or a few women, not only the really hot ones I have no shot with, but actual thousands, all across my city, state, and beyond. If you look at least average, women will give you chances and opportunities on dating sites. If you literally cannot get a single conversation, let alone a date on ANY dating site despite trying for years, researching best practices to make you attractive regarding bio, kinds of messages to send, etc, lowering your standards, and paying for all the higher tier to get the most features, and you virtually get nothing? Then yes, you have overwhelming, irrefutable evidence that most women in your general proximity, of all ages and backgrounds think you're too ugly to even converse with.

Clearly, women think that, and I have to believe it. It's that simple. People really underestimate how shallow most people are these days, and too often project their own standards and thresholds on other people. It doesn't work like that. Just bc you may have some specific criteria for what constitutes as ugly, doesn't mean everyone else shares that same metric. They don't.

[rainbowsandroses]

Just now, TheLambOfDeth said:

Maybe ask the literal thousands of women I've swiped on and sent messages to on every online dating site imaginable and let's get their collective opinion lol. If you look at least average, women will give you chances and opportunities on dating sites. If you literally cannot get a single conversation, let alone a date on ANY dating site despite trying for years, researching best practices to make you attractive regarding bio, kinds of messages to send, etc, lowering your standards, and paying for all the higher tier to get the most features, and you virtually get nothing? Then yes, you have overwhelming, irrefutable evidence that most women in your general proximity, of all ages think you're too ugly to even converse with.

I'm not gonna argue or debate you about this Lamb nor will I invalidate your experiences.

I voiced an opinion based on MY experiences and the experiences of women I know and associate with. 

You are free to dismiss it and carry on believing your ugly.  It seems to be serving you in some way and that's fine.

All the best.