Was she just being nice or...

[Whirling D]

And some fun with a nice lady!

[TheLambOfDeth]

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@TheLambOfDeth just wanted to say good for you for taking the risk.  It's not easy, for anyone!  Even the so-called 'players' and those with tons of options.  I speak from experience.  We all or most of us if we're honest with ourselves feel anxious when we're crushing on someone and they're not as forthcoming as we would like and leave us hanging for a bit.  This is a very normal human reaction and ten times worse for people like you (and me at certain points in my life) who suffer from social anxiety, feelings of worthlessness, low self-esteem.

It much easier for some people. The major different is guys with options don't have much to worry about if a meet or date with their crush doesn't go well, bc they have plenty of other suitors and established confidence. They'll have no real concerns bc they have other women and opportunities. it's totally different with you have no options, when you don't have confidence or goodwill from women and every instance seems like life or death, bc odds are you'll have to wait months just to get some semblance of...anything from another woman. So yeah, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but it's not a fair comparison. It's like comparing a wealthy person to a homeless person. The two have totally different mentalities, and the former cannot comprehend what the latter is going through. 

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It's important to feel validated, no matter how dysfunctional one's behavior, responses and reactions are perceived by others. 

So that's what I'm doing, first and foremost, validating you.  These are your feelings and your  emotions and you're entitled to them and to feel however you feel.  Please don't allow anyone to tell you otherwise

 

I appreciate the sentiment, but the issue is getting literally any woman to validate me IRL tbh lol. Believe me, I don't allow random internet people or anyone else to tell me I can't feel or think a certain way, but thanks.

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What's important is how you choose to react to your own feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem. 

What has always worked for me and others I know is the "act as if" approach.  

Meaning, you feel low and unworthy but act "as if" you're on top of the world!  Act confident even when not feeling it.  Soon you will begin to feel as confident as you're pretending to be, it will no longer be an act when you experience the positive responses you receive because of it.  

Unfortunately, the "fake it til you make it" mantra doesn't work for me. I'm too logical and I can't fool my brain. It's like telling a depressed person to "just be happy". I can't just act confident if I have no reason to. If I don't have recent positive experiences, or reaffirmation or goodwill, I have no reason to be confident in this respect. I can only act the way I feel. I literally can't get dates anywhere and women don't ever appear interested...it's impossible to deal with that and somehow pretend you're on top of the world lol.
 

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With this girl, I hope the coffee meet works out and she shows.  If not, again good for you for taking the risk. You should feel proud for that because believe me, many people wouldn't bother, they're too scared to take the risk. 

 

Welp, you don't feel proud when once your one pseudo option leads to nothing, and then you have nothing else. Proud isn't the word I'd use to describe what I feel lol.

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Fear is running rampant in today's dating environment with all these apps, grass is greener syndrome and the like.   

 

Well, when you're someone who can actually use dating apps, get dates, and have tons of options...you don't need to take risks bc there is a near-limitless supply of people for you to screen. It's not about fear, it's the luxury or privilege of not having to take that risk and I would trade damn near anything for that in a heartbeat.

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Good luck! 🙂

Thankssss

[TheLambOfDeth]

48 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

See!!!!!  Be Chill!!!!

I mean...it hasn't happened yet. There's still ample time for her to cancel.

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Stay positive even if you have to fake it.  Always treat it like getting to know a person, and not this is your last ever chance for happiness.

What are you gonna wear?  Where you going?

 

I won't sabotage things bc from my standpoint there's nothing to sabotage. It's just drinks with an acquaintance.

Well it's going to be like 80-something degrees here so my options are limited. But I'm not going to go overboard like I usually do with attire. A nice button up with a matching tie, dress slacks, slicked-back hair, a nice belt and sunglasses, and black dress shoes. Maybe a vest if it's not too warm...it might be too hot for a blazer.

We're going to one of the bars she recommended to me a while ago.

[TheLambOfDeth]

24 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

And some fun with a nice lady!

That remains to be seen...lol

[Whirling D]

8 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

That remains to be seen...lol

If you go there with fun in your heart, I can’t imagine it won’t be reciprocated… 😊

I have hundreds of pages on here of dialogue, trying to get some folks to understand what it’s like to have no options, and to never have had many options, and to feel the darkness that can come with having almost no support system around you.

A lot of people just. Don’t. Get. It.  It’s all in our head. It’s how we’re presenting ourselves.  We have to work on ourselves to improve our self-confidence. It goes on and on and on, and it presumes that we haven’t already done many if not all of these things.  it’s really a matter of the have and have nots.  Sometimes, as hard as one tries, those two groups just don’t come together easily, no matter how much effort and change you put into them.

but you could find that this one lady could offer you all the light you really need. It only needs to be one lady.  

I don’t recall seeing how old you said you are? And how old she is?

I did not meet my former spouse until I was… 43? Didn’t get married until 45, and had my first kid at 47.  Not that I would encourage waiting that long, but it took me that long to find somebody that I thought I actually liked.

it didn’t work out, but I’m still glad I had the experience, and it brought so many positive things to my life that I thought I would never have.

but it kind of also left a hole at 50 some odd years old that I failed to believe would ever be filled again.

now, pushing 62, I recently met a lady that might change my life. I don’t know yet, but just like you, I’m taking the steps forward to see what will happen.

I walked into those dates fairly confident, though, but not confident that I was going to land a date, but confident that I could go in as a nice guy that is easy and fun to talk to… And that ended up being meaningful to this lady.  Go figure… !

So… Go meet her tomorrow with a sense of adventure and fun… And put your best feet forward! 

 

 

[tattoobunnie]

58 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

I mean...it hasn't happened yet. There's still ample time for her to cancel.

I won't sabotage things bc from my standpoint there's nothing to sabotage. It's just drinks with an acquaintance.

Well it's going to be like 80-something degrees here so my options are limited. But I'm not going to go overboard like I usually do with attire. A nice button up with a matching tie, dress slacks, slicked-back hair, a nice belt and sunglasses, and black dress shoes. Maybe a vest if it's not too warm...it might be too hot for a blazer.

We're going to one of the bars she recommended to me a while ago.

Wait, tie at a bar with dress shoes? a possible vest in 80 degrees?  Are you going to a job interview?! Nooo. Unless you're just coming from a funeral, just stick with a button down shirt and jeans.  And fashion sneakers or casual shoes.

Do the rec, but be prepared with a new place you discovered yourself, so after you grab a drink at the rec, if you are vibing, ask her to come check out this other place right after.

[TheLambOfDeth]

6 hours ago, Whirling D said:

If you go there with fun in your heart, I can’t imagine it won’t be reciprocated… 😊

I can imagine that...lol

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I have hundreds of pages on here of dialogue, trying to get some folks to understand what it’s like to have no options, and to never have had many options, and to feel the darkness that can come with having almost no support system around you.

A lot of people just. Don’t. Get. It.  It’s all in our head. It’s how we’re presenting ourselves.  We have to work on ourselves to improve our self-confidence. It goes on and on and on, and it presumes that we haven’t already done many if not all of these things.  it’s really a matter of the have and have nots.  Sometimes, as hard as one tries, those two groups just don’t come together easily, no matter how much effort and change you put into them.

 

I wish more people understood this...

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but you could find that this one lady could offer you all the light you really need. It only needs to be one lady.  

 

Yeah, but I'm not going to put too much pressure on this. She might introduce to someone like that at some point, but I don't want to give myself false hope for something that might not even be there.

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I don’t recall seeing how old you said you are? And how old she is?

I'm 30, she has to be in a similar age range...not totally sure.

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I walked into those dates fairly confident, though, but not confident that I was going to land a date, but confident that I could go in as a nice guy that is easy and fun to talk to… And that ended up being meaningful to this lady.  Go figure… !

So… Go meet her tomorrow with a sense of adventure and fun… And put your best feet forward! 

 

Sure...that's mostly the intention...provided she doesn't cancel lol

[TheLambOfDeth]

5 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

Wait, tie at a bar with dress shoes? a possible vest in 80 degrees?  Are you going to a job interview?! Nooo. Unless you're just coming from a funeral, just stick with a button down shirt and jeans.  And fashion sneakers or casual shoes.

Do the rec, but be prepared with a new place you discovered yourself, so after you grab a drink at the rec, if you are vibing, ask her to come check out this other place right after.

Dressing well is my niche. I always dress like that. loljeans. I have to wear slacks and dress shoes.

And that's a great idea...I didn't think of that. But that's something you do on a date. I'm sure by the time she finishes drinks, she'll be ready to depart.

[Morello]

I'm sorry, but if you dress like that for a casual date/meet-up, you are just sabotaging yourself. I mean, you have to know that rocking up in a suit and tie for a casual coffee is not cool, right? Are you willing to be flexible on that or is it non-negotiable?

Also, about the "no one gets me" debate... Look, there are several people in this world who struggle with dating. I think we all do, to some degree. Even highly attractive people (not my case) can struggle too, by attracting the kind of people they're not interested in dating. You can see evidence of that in very good-looking people who never settle (or never find "the one"), get cheated on, etc. 

While I can see where you are coming from, it is important that you at least try to change the narrative in your head. You have to at least try to come to a date with a positive attitude, and expecting the best outcome (even if your past tells you differently). Otherwise, you are just confirming a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go on a date (or any social encounter for that matter) with a "no one likes me" attitude, this will become transparent very quickly and you are very unlikely to get anything good out of it. I know it's hard, but it's a constant effort and you have to keep at it. Some people have earlier lives than others, it's just how it is. Life is not fair. Doesn't mean you can't improve though.

It's like trying to lose weight when you are addicted to chocolate. It's a very tall mountain to climb. But if you just give up, then you already know what the outcome will be. If you try to control yourself, you might make progress. Any progress is good.

The thing is: you CAN train your attitude. You are unlikely to become a very confident person, but you can at least get better than you are know and give yourself more chances of the outcome you desire. If you keep at it, with discipline, there's a good chance you will, even if slowly, start to attract people. Not necessarily dates, for a start, but attracting new friends and people who want to spend time with you. This will, in turn, lead to more dating opportunities.

Humans don't like negative people, it's just a reality. Some of us were born with the "negativity" gene (to put it simply), but it doesn't mean we can't improve on that and train ourselves to become more positive. It's a struggle, and some days might feel like no improvement was made. But it's a worthwhile battle, in my opinion.

 

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

32 minutes ago, Morello said:

I'm sorry, but if you dress like that for a casual date/meet-up, you are just sabotaging yourself. I mean, you have to know that rocking up in a suit and tie for a casual coffee is not cool, right? Are you willing to be flexible on that or is it non-negotiable?

I wont wear a whole suit, but I dont think a dress shirt and slacks is overboard...

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Also, about the "no one gets me" debate... Look, there are several people in this world who struggle with dating. I think we all do, to some degree. Even highly attractive people (not my case) can struggle too, by attracting the kind of people they're not interested in dating. You can see evidence of that in very good-looking people who never settle (or never find "the one"), get cheated on, etc. 

Ok...so I know people are trying to help...but comparing first-world issues to real ones doesn't...help. Having too many options is always better than none. Having an issue finding the perfect restaurant is always preferable to starvation. If you were to ask those poor good-looking people if they'd rather deal with their slew of opportunities or have nothing at all, literally none of them would trade. Not settling, having issues finding the "perfect person" and possibly getting cheated on are luxuries next to HAVING NOTHING. It's in no way a fair or applicable comparison. There's a confidence that comes with options and opportunities that anyone in my position would trade anything for.

 

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While I can see where you are coming from, it is important that you at least try to change the narrative in your head. You have to at least try to come to a date with a positive attitude, and expecting the best outcome (even if your past tells you differently). Otherwise, you are just confirming a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you go on a date (or any social encounter for that matter) with a "no one likes me" attitude, this will become transparent very quickly and you are very unlikely to get anything good out of it. I know it's hard, but it's a constant effort and you have to keep at it. Some people have earlier lives than others, it's just how it is. Life is not fair. Doesn't mean you can't improve though.

You're dismissing how much hard it is to just change your mindset, when you have no reason to. It's just a casual drinks with a volunteer acquaintance. It's not a real date bc I can't get those, so I'll go into this with a decent mindset. It's just telling how much effort it took to just get this, and how getting a real date, and actual interest from a woman who would at least give me a shot is impossible. If I could actually get dates, I'd have a better mindset. But you're basically saying be upbeat and positive when you can't get and have nothing. if I could actually get dates, I would change my narrative bc I'd have a reason to...I'd have proof and evidence to be positive.

 

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It's like trying to lose weight when you are addicted to chocolate. It's a very tall mountain to climb. But if you just give up, then you already know what the outcome will be. If you try to control yourself, you might make progress. Any progress is good.

Losing weight is a binary thing. If you diet and exercise and exert will power, you will lose weight. You don't have to find gym equipment that finds you attractive. I can't force women to like me, give me a chance, or forget all their better options. I can't make progress until I have opporuities.

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The thing is: you CAN train your attitude. You are unlikely to become a very confident person, but you can at least get better than you are know and give yourself more chances of the outcome you desire. If you keep at it, with discipline, there's a good chance you will, even if slowly, start to attract people. Not necessarily dates, for a start, but attracting new friends and people who want to spend time with you. This will, in turn, lead to more dating opportunities.

Humans don't like negative people, it's just a reality. Some of us were born with the "negativity" gene (to put it simply), but it doesn't mean we can't improve on that and train ourselves to become more positive. It's a struggle, and some days might feel like no improvement was made. But it's a worthwhile battle, in my opinion.

 

This is what I'm trying to do...with the volunteering and with the meet. No way this women is interested in beyond being nice, but maybe she knows someone who might be. Maybe, possibly...but it's very difficult and nowhere near as easy as people pretend it is. It always means I have to hope and wait on people I meet, possibly having other people I can meet and perhaps they're possibly interested in giving me a shot, instead of just a loop of basic acquaintances.  Confidence is a result of positive experiences, goodwill, and constrictive reaffirmation...its difficult to be positive when you receive none of these things.

Sure, it's just far easier said than done for many people for a myriad of reasons.

[LootieTootie]

You're kind of your worst enemy when you hold this gloomy opinion of yourself. Also why are you dependent on external forces to build your confidence? Confidence should come from within you. You need to think you're a catch. If you don't think you're a catch, then you will project that and other people can sense it and hence, the self-fulfilling prophecy. 

So you volunteer to meet girls, which is a good start, but try to add some new hobbies or join a local club - maybe book club or/and programming club or/and fitness club/gym. As a young single guy, you need to show that you are open-minded, well-rounded, energetic and adventurous. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

8 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

You're kind of your worst enemy when you hold this gloomy opinion of yourself. Also why are you dependent on external forces to build your confidence? Confidence should come from within you. You need to think you're a catch. If you don't think you're a catch, then you will project that and other people can sense it and hence, the self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Sure, but people who say things like this don't really understand. You cannot be confident with women when you have none. Sure, if you're voluntarily single...sure. But if you're seeking women and you cannot get dates of any form, it's impossible to have some internal confidence. I'm confident about a few things, but they are binary things I've worked on or can do. That doesn't translate to women. Again, people reiterate "just be confident" but don't really grasp what that entails. It's like telling a depressed person to "be happy". You cannot think you're a catch if literally no women seem to believe that. That's something you need proof or evidence of.

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So you volunteer to meet girls, which is a good start, but try to add some new hobbies or join a local club - maybe book club or/and programming club or/and fitness club/gym. As a young single guy, you need to show that you are open-minded, well-rounded, energetic and adventurous. 

Yeah, I've been thinking about that, but I'm not sure which ones to join. A book club seems like it would be full of middle-aged women, and I'm not a programmer and I'm too anxious to join a fitness club. But yes, I do see how moke hobbies can make you more appealing.

[LootieTootie]

12 hours ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

 You cannot be confident with women when you have none. 

 

I'm not saying be confident with women. I am saying be confident in yourself. Stop looking around and look within. Be confident in what you bring to any relationship. Loyalty, kindness, empathy, respect, passionate, humor, I don't know- a knack for music/art? I mean I am sure you have some qualities that make you say "I am a great effin catch." 

Instead you hyper-focus how women believes you're not a catch and coming up with this thought is just plain silly.

TRUTH There are many women out there, just like there are many men out there, that would be willing to date you but are just like you, too shy, too anxious, too down about themselves. And yes there are desperate people out there so don't think no one wants to date you. You're just beating yourself up so much that your view is distorted that 'wow no one wants me because I am so uniquely me and no one understands me.' Guess what. Theres millions of you and if you're too blind by your own doom and gloom lens, you will never see those girls who would date you.

Once you work on yourself and start having more INTERNAL confidence about what you can bring to the table, believe me, you will see more girls showing you interest. How do you build confidence? I would first write down some positive adjectives or things you're happy about in your life (accomplishments/hobbies/relationships). Then start looking into extracurricular activities where you can mingle. Like I told someone on here, you don't have to be the most gregarious person in a crowd. Once people keep seeing you, they won't be able to help themselves and talk to you (kind of like this girl in your thread).

Oh and try to look up trivia or game nights at local bars. Those are fun for singles.

[WaywardKiwi]

So it's Wednesday in the states right? How did it go? 

Reserving my comments on the rest of this until after the update. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

12 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

I'm not saying be confident with women. I am saying be confident in yourself. Stop looking around and look within. Be confident in what you bring to any relationship. Loyalty, kindness, empathy, respect, passionate, humor, I don't know- a knack for music/art? I mean I am sure you have some qualities that make you say "I am a great effin catch." 

*sigh*....you cannot be confident in any of those things regarding attracting a mate...if you can't attract a mate. Those aspects are the bare minimum. My interests and what I can provide aren't enough these days. If it was, i'd have someone. I'd at least have opportunities. Maybe in the 80s it was enough, it's not now. Women have access to many dating apps, and a myriad of Social Media sites and receive more options, attention, and validation than ever. It's not enough to just be kind and funny anymore. Not when any women have thousands of men as options on their phones. Thousands of men who look like Greek gods have tons of money, yachts, dozens of friends, and high-tier social clout. Its why there's an epidemic of lonely men these days.

OLD has bolstered the standards and looks thresholds of most women to an almost unreachable degree for most men. My qualities aren't enough bc of the era I live in, and how women are conditioned now. Even if I thought I was a catch, clearly women don't agree remotely and have shown this. IDK why you're so hellbent on ignoring this aspect. I am not shooing away or rejecting or declining women or their attention...I am getting NONE. Who is going to think they're a catch when they have nothing to show for it?

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Instead you hyper-focus how women believes you're not a catch and coming up with this thought is just plain silly.

Honestly, it's silly how you're attempting to explain my own situation to me. If you use multiple dating apps, and not a single woman on any of those sites deems you worthy of just a look or replies to your message, let alone an actual conversation or a date, then you're not in any way, shape or form a catch. Not bad conversations, not bad dates, or short relationships...NOTHING. Either you haven't even read my replies in this thread or you just cannot comprehend the situation I'm in. Which is fine, but it's patronizing to tell me my viewpoint is unfounded when I have AMPLE proof...

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TRUTH There are many women out there, just like there are many men out there, that would be willing to date you but are just like you, too shy, too anxious, too down about themselves. And yes there are desperate people out there so don't think no one wants to date you. You're just beating yourself up so much that your view is distorted that 'wow no one wants me because I am so uniquely me and no one understands me.' Guess what. Theres millions of you and if you're too blind by your own doom and gloom lens, you will never see those girls who would date you.

This just isn't the case. Period. It's not the same and frankly, IDK why people pretend it is. It doesn't help, it's just gaslighting tbh. Any woman can upload two pictures of themselves and get a date within the hour. There are no desperate women these days: only particular women. At least not in the Western world with internet access. Again, it feels like people are just copying and pasting other responses they give to people they ASSUME are in a similar situation. You.are.not.reading. I'm not "beating myself up", being ignored and not even given a chance has done that. There are not "millions" people like me. Anyone else who isn't deformed or greatly obese can find dates on apps. There are no women who want to date me. Not unless you like really grossly, deformed unattractive women.

Your replies are meant for a guy who gets dates and they don't go well, or someone who wants MORE options, can't find the right person, or he can only get pretty women and he believes he's entitled to hot ones. Not someone who LITERALLY cannot get a date from any source who is uniformly ignored by women in any sense. You simply don't get it, and instead of just admitting that, you're trying to project the circumstances of other people onto me.

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Once you work on yourself and start having more INTERNAL confidence about what you can bring to the table, believe me, you will see more girls showing you interest.

I dress well, I'm tall, I'm in the best shape of my life, and I groom and have an entire niche perfume collection so I always smell well. I have hobbies, I have interests, I have a developed personality, etc... And no matter where I go...women don't care. I get no more attention than before I really started working on myself. I'm still invisible. Still no interest. Ever. IDK how and why you don't get that. Women aren't interested. Again, I don't look like Henry Cavil or Harry Styles and I'm not rich and I don't have 1,000 friends...what I bring to the table isn't enough for modern women, so there is nothing to be confident about. This is their feelings and it;s made know every time.

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Then start looking into extracurricular activities where you can mingle. Like I told someone on here, you don't have to be the most gregarious person in a crowd. Once people keep seeing you, they won't be able to help themselves and talk to you (kind of like this girl in your thread).

I've volunteered at the same place quite a few times and even went there as a patron, and no one except the events manager has said anything to me. Again, you're projecting and giving anecdotes that don't apply to everyone. The woman referenced in this thread only talked to me bc I volunteered for her venue and she's the manager. Again, you're not reading. I've gone to places, repeatedly over time...and I'm tall, black and dress well, so it's not like I'm not easily noticed and I might have well still been a stranger to the people there, no matter how many times I go. Either they don't remember me, or they pretend not to. They find it VERY easy to never talk to me no matter how often they see me.

[TheLambOfDeth]

4 hours ago, WaywardKiwi said:

So it's Wednesday in the states right? How did it go? 

Reserving my comments on the rest of this until after the update. 

Just like I knew she would, she canceled or asked to "reschedule". At first she asked to move it to 8, then she just asked to reschedule. Apparently, she had a committee meeting that ran until past 8 last night and bc she has an art walk event the next day (today) she was tired or...whatever. She invited me to meet her at the after-party of her event today instead...

[Whirling D]

48 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Just like I knew she would, she canceled or asked to "reschedule". At first she asked to move it to 8, then she just asked to reschedule. Apparently, she had a committee meeting that ran until past 8 last night and bc she has an art walk event the next day (today) she was tired or...whatever. She invited me to meet her at the after-party of her event today instead...

UGG… So sorry to hear.

i’m sure you would rather have her one to one than at an after party?

I suppose you could ask her to meet at a different time, when you could actually sit with her and talk one to one In a more personal way. I don’t know how that would fly, considering you’re just getting to know her.

I completely know what you are saying about attracting women.  Other than the nice lady that I am just starting to get to see… I was attracting no women that I was interested in. None.

people have been saying the same thing to me on here for a month… I should do this, I should do that, or because I’m not doing this is the reason i’m not attracting ladies… I have spelled out that I’ve gone through every change over the last 40 years that an adult could likely go through, and it has not. Made. One. Single. Difference. with how I attract women. Zero.

at the risk of boring everybody else, I’ll tell you a diabolical experiment I did about 20 years ago on a dating site. I knew my write up was fun and active, and I couldn’t understand why I was getting not. One. Response.  I knew it was likely what I looked like, so I stole a photo of an average looking fellow from somewhere on the other side of the country, and I put his photo in place of mine. Should I have been surprised that I had about 50 respondents by the next morning… Many of them attractive ladies that I would’ve loved to date?

that still didn’t seem to convince many people on here that what I was telling them is true… It’s what I look like, considerably more than any other single factor, that was not getting me dates.

but you know, it only takes one, as I may have already said. This new lady friend of mine thinks I’m really cute… she’s not the first one in my life that has felt that, but I sure wasn’t getting that impression on dating sites, or in real life. At. All.

it will be devastating to me if my one opportunity falls through. So, I completely get why you are frustrated, and I understand what you are going through. It’s been like that for me for most of my adult life.

[Batya33]

57 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Just like I knew she would, she canceled or asked to "reschedule". At first she asked to move it to 8, then she just asked to reschedule. Apparently, she had a committee meeting that ran until past 8 last night and bc she has an art walk event the next day (today) she was tired or...whatever. She invited me to meet her at the after-party of her event today instead...

Since this wasn’t an elaborately planned date and she’s a busy gal I’d take her up on the after party offer. 

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

UGG… So sorry to hear.

i’m sure you would rather have her one to one than at an after party?

I suppose you could ask her to meet at a different time, when you could actually sit with her and talk one to one In a more personal way. I don’t know how that would fly, considering you’re just getting to know her.

I mean...I already knew it. I literally said it tons of times in this thread that it would happen, and I was called out for being "doom and gloom" or too negative or w/e, and of course when I'm right...again,  one of the people lodging insults and make random insipid assumptions are around to mention they were wrong and that they don't listen. Very telling.

But lol I'm not asking again. I can take a hint. Doesn't matter what time her meeting ended, if she wanted to actually meet me, she find the time or provide a concrete alternative time and date then and there to reschedule to. Message received loud and clear.

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people have been saying the same thing to me on here for a month… I should do this, I should do that, or because I’m not doing this is the reason i’m not attracting ladies… I have spelled out that I’ve gone through every change over the last 40 years that an adult could likely go through, and it has not. Made. One. Single. Difference. with how I attract women. Zero.

IDK why people do that. It's like they're telling you how wrong you are about judging your own life, and their random, anecdotal advice that you're already had 1,000 times before is somehow the key to your issues. It's insulting and really minimizes the issues you're facing bc you can tell people have no idea, yet want to pretend they're experts and tell you how wrong you are. It's just weird...IDK if it's bc the implication is women are shallow, and they're trying to protect the opinion of women, or they're just so used to getting dates and attracting people they literally cannot comprehend what it's like to not be able to get that. Either way, it's usually more irritating than helpful.

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at the risk of boring everybody else, I’ll tell you a diabolical experiment I did about 20 years ago on a dating site. I knew my write up was fun and active, and I couldn’t understand why I was getting not. One. Response.  I knew it was likely what I looked like, so I stole a photo of an average looking fellow from somewhere on the other side of the country, and I put his photo in place of mine. Should I have been surprised that I had about 50 respondents by the next morning… Many of them attractive ladies that I would’ve loved to date?

 

Not surprising...many people would rather lie than just be honest about how much looks matter. I've heard of men enacting similar experiments and detailing their finds. Like they would purposely write HORRIBLE bios, declaring they were sexist and wife beaters, hated women, and things I won't even mention, and they would use pictures of decent-looking men, and women still sent them likes and even messages. Despite the toxic bio, many, many women were still vying for the attention of the profile JUST be of the pictures, yet somehow...none of this is valid or matters. Even when you have the EXACT same bio, yet swap out the pictures and you go from nothing to dozens...somehow it's still not looks. Smh.

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that still didn’t seem to convince many people on here that what I was telling them is true… It’s what I look like, considerably more than any other single factor, that was not getting me dates.

To put it bluntly, a person is smart, people are stupid. You can only refute so much evidence and proof, idc whatever bias you have. You can't dismiss facts, and if literally changing the pictures of a profile and getting vastly different results isn't a clear enough indicator that looks trump most anything on OLD, then nothing is. Those people simply cannot allow themselves to be proven wrong.

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but you know, it only takes one, as I may have already said. This new lady friend of mine thinks I’m really cute… she’s not the first one in my life that has felt that, but I sure wasn’t getting that impression on dating sites, or in real life. At. All.

And sometimes just getting one is nigh impossible. Often times you need chances and opportunities to find that "one" and I literally cannot even get the opportunity to just start...Might be a sign in itself.

[TheLambOfDeth]

59 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Since this wasn’t an elaborately planned date and she’s a busy gal I’d take her up on the after party offer. 

Yeah, I'm going to pass on the pity invite to some after-party for her event. I do have a modicum of self-respect.

[Jaunty]

12 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Yeah, I'm going to pass on the pity invite to some after-party for her event. I do have a modicum of self-respect.

The pity is all happening within yourself - your own pity party is quite extravagant.  One of the best ones I've ever attended.

It's very difficult to read this thread, because the whole thing is you living in your own fake world where you are a hapless victim due to nothing within your control.  And it's so obviously a construct you created to make things easy on yourself - but, as things often turn out, your ideas for self-protection have turned out to be a prison that makes your life quite dreary.  Yet, you created, and continue to create it, all.

[bluecastle]

3 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Yeah, I'm going to pass on the pity invite to some after-party for her event. I do have a modicum of self-respect.

I'm reluctant to share an anecdote, given your above feelings about them, but if you'll humor me for a moment...

My relationship with my gf started with a mutual rightward swipe, followed by an attempt to set a date, that dizzying modern voodoo. She was busy on the days I suggested, said she'd circle back around. Cool, all good. When she circled back around, probably 4-5 days later, I was busy. Cool, all good. And the general tenor of the exchanges were that of two people kind of trying to wedge the other into a schedule far more than "create space" for a special night: last minute reach outs for quick coffees, and so on. This went on (and off) for about 3 weeks, and I think there may have been a cancelation or two along the way. We got together when I shot her a note, pretty late, along the lines of: "Just landed from a trip—feel like a last minute drink?" She said yes. We're still going out for occasional drinks, and now return from them to a shared home. 

But I'm not sharing this as a script to follow or a story of bliss. I'm sharing it because one could turn the prism just a few degrees and see each of our messages, at various internals, as "pity invites," veiled attempts at booty calls, or "loud and clear" messages of disinterest, and chosen to lean on a "modicum of self respect" and cut bait. Which, hey, fine. It's one way to look through the prism. But had I, or she, looked at it that way we would have never had that drink.  

I understand your frustrations with all this, and I'm not going to say anything to minimize them here. You've reached the age of 30 and, so far, this has been arid terrain for you. And that sucks and leaves a mark, no different than years of rejection slips, say, leave a mark on an aspiring writer. But if you were an aspiring writing chiming in on a writing forum, telling a story of having been wait-listed for a residency, what I'd say to you is: that is not nothing, and might be something, so lean into that, because leaning away from it is a guaranteed nothing.  

Going to the after party would not, in short, be an act of self-disrespect. It would just be going an after party. 

 

[TheLambOfDeth]

5 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

I'm reluctant to share an anecdote, given your above feelings about them, but if you'll humor me for a moment...

My relationship with my gf started with a mutual rightward swipe

Anecdotes are anecdotal. I didn't meet this woman through an app(must be nice to be able to) which means, unlike apps, I have no idea if she's remotely interested in anything about me beyond being her volunteer. That literally shifts the entire dynamic to the point your anecdotal isn't all applicable. I cannot even assume attraction or interest bc I didn't meet her with the intention of a date. It's a pseudo-professional setting. Your story is meant for some guy who used a dating app and had to reschedule or w/e and he doesn't;t know if he should continue trying. Where the setting and implications are vastly different. She isn't circling back for me.

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I understand your frustrations with all this, and I'm not going to say anything to minimize them here. You've reached the age of 30 and, so far, this has been arid terrain for you. And that sucks and leaves a mark, no different than years of rejection slips, say, leave a mark on an aspiring writer. But if you were an aspiring writing chiming in on a writing forum, telling a story of having been wait-listed for a residency, what I'd say to you is: that is not nothing, and might be something, so lean into that, because leaning away from it is a guaranteed nothing.  

Umm..no. You literally don't. You can't. You can use dating apps and go on dates, so you cannot understand my frustration. If you have options...you can't understand. I'm really not trying to come off a certain way here, but it really comes down to a wealthy person telling a homeless person they understand. Nah, until you have and cannot voluntarily get any options and suitors ...you don't understand. THAT is my point. Leaning into a polite, but empty gesture, is still basically nothing. One person can only give so many kind hints they're not keen.

[tattoobunnie]

36 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Yeah, I'm going to pass on the pity invite to some after-party for her event. I do have a modicum of self-respect.

OMG, the after party is because she wants to hook up.  Ugh...I know you think you know best, but trust me, she's not inviting you to an after party to take pity on you.  Do you really want to keep listening to your little voice, or women telling you to wake up and smell the coffee?

[TheLambOfDeth]

1 minute ago, tattoobunnie said:

OMG, the after party is because she wants to hook up.  Ugh...I know you think you know best, but trust me, she's not inviting you to an after party to take pity on you.  Do you really want to keep listening to your little voice, or women telling you to wake up and smell the coffee?

Dude...it's the after-party for her art event...at a gallery/garden bar, not "that" kind of party. I'm not hooking up with anyone. She won't even get a drink with me alone, something like that isn't even a remote possibility. Even considering that's even close to being in the cards would be setting myself up for mass disappointment.