Need some urgent advice on this- Issues with attending events with/without my boyfriend.

[Jupana]

Need some advice.

My boyfriend has a very protective/conservative family and I feel it is impacting our relationship a bit too much now after almost 6 years together.

Whenever I have events with work friends or family members, I get alot of pressure to refuse joining specifically whenever my boyfriend can't make it. Or even when it's mixed genders. I get pressure from my boyfriend and then escalates to his family when I try insist on my point or show desire to attend, even though I would have explained who would be attending.

I've had to choose him in the past and refuse showing up to events just to prove that I care about him and not cause any tension with his family. It was a case of - if I can't be there you can't go if you respect me!

But in the long run, it has caused some problems with mine as they see me problematic everytime we get to plan events together. I am always left struggling in the middle and it is getting to me after all this time. 

I acknowledge that there is lack of trust but any tips on how I can go about it? I have decided to speak with my boyfriend properly about this to tell him how badly it has affected me but I'm not sure if i should also speak to his family so that they can also facilitate the issue from their end? His family members find it "unacceptable" for me to spend time with my family members (e.g sisters with their boyfriends) when he is not around and expect me to leave and join him instead - just to show that I choose him. 

 

Whenever I actually get to rub it off and spend time with my family, I get called names by my boyfriend and even his family, telling me not to ever contact them again or to get our of their lives. Then after havijg to explain myself from top to bottom, they end up apologising and expect me to get over the hurt ASAP. This has happened more than once, and I am now fed up because I know it is a matter of time before it happens again. 

I was recently considering ending things altogether but in such case not sure if it's best to try address the family first?  

Thanks 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Jupana said:

 I get called names by my boyfriend and even his family, telling me not to ever contact them again or to get our of their lives. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Do you live together? Why is his family dictating your personal life? It's unclear why you are answering to them.

It seems like you are in an abusive controlling relationship and your BF gathers up his equally abusive family in this pursuit. 

Do you work? Have your own place? Have trusted friends and family nearby? Please research "controlling and abusive relationships". Inform yourself and get help extricating yourself from this.

Please talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse and this gang of weirdos running your life. You need to get out of this ASAP.

[Kwothe28]

28 minutes ago, Jupana said:

I was recently considering ending things altogether but in such case not sure if it's best to try address the family first?  

 

Adressing his abusive family wont make an issue dissapear, it could only make it worst. They are isolating you from your family and friends so they could control you. Its a classic abuser tactic. You adressing the issue wont fix it. All you can do is to is to leave and try to lead your own life without somebody who would call you names and throw a fit every time you want to spend time with family and friends. 

[Jupana]

@Wiseman2 thank you for your thoughts on this. 

We do not live together, we have been seeing each other for almost 6 years (In June). He is 28 yrs old and I am 27 yrs old. 

I find it difficult to let go, because when I speak to my boyfriend alone he understands and gives me reason. But then he tends to speak to his family and it escalates from there. 

Do you advise I speak to his family about this? 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Jupana said:

@Wiseman2 

We do not live together, 

Do you advise I speak to his family about this? 

No. Speak to your own family. And research abusive and controlling relationships. Be grateful you don't live together because that will make leaving the abusive situation easier. 

You'll need help undoing the damage from this and it won't be running to your abuser and his abusive family for help. Please start being forthcoming to your own trusted friends and family about the abuse.

[Jupana]

He is different when he is alone - when it's just us two. He reasons and is usually OK. It's only when his family are involved or informed that trouble crops up. I don't understand why he has to involve family family time - this is why I was going to try have a talk with him before considering ending things. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Jupana said:

 It's only when his family are involved or informed that trouble crops up. I don't understand why he has to involve family family time - 

Research "abuse by proxy". He enlists them to abuse you. Abusive relationships are cyclical. Stop being fooled by "he's nice to me when we're alone". This is denial on your part about what's happening here .

Do Not Talk To His Family. Talk to your own people about him recruiting his family to assist in the abuse against you. Please get help and information about abusive relationships.

[Jupana]

Thank you for your assistance. I will look into it and take necessary steps. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jupana said:

Thank you for your assistance. I will look into it and take necessary steps. 

Yes, please talk to trusted people. Your BF is the problem, not his family.

[MissCanuck]

I would have dumped this guy a long time ago. 

You are so deep in the fog that you don’t see how terribly dysfunctional and abusive this all is. There is zero reason for his family to be involved at all, but I guarantee that your boyfriend is the one recruiting them to mistreat and disrespect you. 

Don’t waste your time trying to reason with any of them, including your abusive boyfriend. Be done with all of them. Get some support from your own family, who are no doubt very concerned about you. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, MissCanuck said:

I would have dumped this guy a long time ago. 

You are so deep in the fog that you don’t see how terribly dysfunctional and abusive this all is. There is zero reason for his family to be involved at all, but I guarantee that your boyfriend is the one recruiting them to mistreat and disrespect you. 

Don’t waste your time trying to reason with any of them, including your abusive boyfriend. Be done with all of them. Get some support from your own family, who are no doubt very concerned about you. 

Yes that is how I would go about it as well -100%.  Is it possible you used to find it a turn on how "protective" he was?

[Jupana]

No, I did not used to find his protection attractive. But it is my character to try and sit with person and try reason things out. I've always felt it wasn't completely right but I'm the type of person that tries to talk things through and give a second chance. The issue here is that it keeps on happening after some months and it takes a toll on me mentally. 

I now have my eldest sisters wedding approaching and really want things to be cleared out. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Jupana said:

No, I did not used to find his protection attractive. But it is my character to try and sit with person and try reason things out. I've always felt it wasn't completely right but I'm the type of person that tries to talk things through and give a second chance. The issue here is that it keeps on happening after some months and it takes a toll on me mentally. 

I now have my eldest sisters wedding approaching and really want things to be cleared out. 

How is it your character to tolerate disrespectful treatment for all these years? Are you the type of person who lets people bully you over and over again? Please don't tell yourself this is your "character" in this situation.

In a work situation -sure I could see trying to reason with a colleague who was making unreasonable demands on you, trying to mediate it with a boss, etc - but this is a person you are intimately involved with -don't praise yourself for "Oh I am such a good person who gives SO many chances" -in this specific situation given how outrageous this person is behaving why all of these many chances? What has he done over all this time to change his behavior? Has he offered to seek counseling for his attempts to control you? Has he offered to stop involving his family?

Why are you so afraid of telling him "I feel disrespected in this relationship.  I feel badly when you try to control where I go including for work.  I feel badly when you involve your family."  And if the response is not a genuine plan on his part to change his actions -followed by his actually changing his actions - then it's not you being a good and tolerant person. It's you mistreating you and perhaps reacting to a fear of being "alone" meaning without this person in your life.

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Jupana said:

I now have my eldest sisters wedding approaching and really want things to be cleared out. 

Go to the wedding without him. It's the perfect opportunity for you to reconnect with family and tell them what's really going on about his and his family's abuse and asking for help to extricate yourself from this

 

[Starlight925]

Unfortunately, nothing you say to him or his family will make a difference.

You either go to these events and end the relationship, or you live under their thumb.  

They are not giving you any choice, including your boyfriend.  Of course he's a sweetheart when you're alone.  You are his access to sex and intimacy.  His stronger bond is that with his family, which he shows you regularly, every time you even question whether you can attend an event alone.

I also get that you don't see it because of how "wonderful" he is.  I've been there.  I was once married to someone where I wore my cell phone on a stupid little belt holster, as if I was on a business trip, I knew I "better" answer the phone, and if there were men in the background, I'd hear about it later.  But he was sooooo good to me, soooo in love.  It's all B.S.

You don't see it now because you are enmeshed in this drama.  You are in the middle of the forest, and we are outside the forest, trying to find you.  

When I first read your post, I thought maybe you both were 15, 16 years old.  You are grown adults, and he's letting his family run both of your lives.  My advice?  Pack your things.  Attend events, dance, sing, have fun.

[Jupana]

@Starlight925 thank you for your message, it is encouraging.

[Andrina]

You began this relationship when your brain wasn't fully formed in the decision making area. Now, it should be at its fully formed adult level. So put it to work, lady, and let your brain override your heart. He's learned and embraced the family dynamic of manipulation, exclusion, abuse, etc. I know all about that because I dated my first love for two years as a teen. But even then, I was wise enough to get out of that situation, because I would not allow someone to control me in that way.

When someone regularly stresses you out for irrational reasons, which this is, it should be a dealbreaker for anyone who practices self-love.

What would I now do in your shoes? Meet with him in a public place, which you have privacy to talk but there are people within the vicinity to come to your aid if he acted out in a crazy way. I'd tell him: This relationship isn't working for me. No discussion or any changes will no longer make any difference. We need to go no contact for closure. I will treasure the memories that are good, and I wish you the best.

If I were you, I'd confide to family what you're doing, so they will know that he might be seeking an passage to you through them, and they will know not to answer the door and phone. It might be a good time for you to take a vacation or stay with family or a friend because manipulative controllers have a really hard time letting go. I know that the boy I broke up with brought his brother and sister to my house for support and tried to talk me into reconciliation. He also met my mother outside of her work at the end of her shift, which scared her half to death. 

You have to be firm in no longer speaking to him, because when you give him an inch, he'll take a mile.

It will take you probably a good 6 months to even a year to mourn and heal after so long together. During this time, read about what healthy relationships are and make a list of must-haves and dealbreakers. Because when you become ready to date again, you don't want to repeat the same mistakes of staying eons to long with someone who possesses a dealbreaker. Take care and let us know how it goes.

 

[reinventmyself]

7 hours ago, Jupana said:

I acknowledge that there is lack of trust

Did something happen for him to lose your trust?  If not, his trust issues are his to deal with, not yours to manage.

You used the word 'protect'  Protect you from what exactly?  Your own family?

I have to ask.  It this a cultural belief of his and his families?

You don't want a life time of this and I promise, it will get worse as time goes on.

 

[Jupana]

@reinventmyself Re trust, he has always been this way. I remember him even asking me who the people sending me birthday requests on Facebook are (they would have been old colleage friends who kept in contact via fb).  Since the beginning he used to be weary of events I attend and I strongly believe that his family's beliefs are worse than his. If they say something is unacceptable either he or his family tell me how unacceptable it is. 

There are no cultural beliefs here. Just some old traditional beliefs. But in this day and age one needs to have his/her own freedom irrespective of whether you are in a relationship or not. 

[Jupana]

@reinventmyself I used to know him before we started dating. I used to have a number of social circles when I was at university. 

When we started dating, he used to imply I had a fling eith my course mates, unless I re-assure him I did not. Guess he had his own insecurities to begin with. 

 

Re protection- he always played the victim..that my family are excluding him which is why he is always so fussy about my family events. Once he was invited and couldn't attend and I still joined and he made a big deal out of it. And I never heard the end of it. 

[reinventmyself]

2 minutes ago, Jupana said:

@reinventmyself I used to know him before we started dating. I used to have a number of social circles when I was at university. 

When we started dating, he used to imply I had a fling eith my course mates, unless I re-assure him I did not. Guess he had his own insecurities to begin with. 

 

Re protection- he always played the victim..that my family are excluding him which is why he is always so fussy about my family events. Once he was invited and couldn't attend and I still joined and he made a big deal out of it. And I never heard the end of it. 

He has some serious problems.  Stop being his whipping girl.

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, Jupana said:

There are no cultural beliefs here. Just some old traditional beliefs. But in this day and age one needs to have his/her own freedom irrespective of whether you are in a relationship or not. 

To me it has nothing to do with day, age or freedom  - his behavior is controlling and your behavior is way too tolerant IMO.  Freedom is a subjective, relative term -does he have freedom to have sex with other people? Do you have freedom to make whatever plans you like on the typical days  you see him without checking with him first? Try to avoid generalities-it's harder to focus on specifics but that's where you get down to the basics here. 

[smackie9]

8 hours ago, Jupana said:

@Wiseman2 thank you for your thoughts on this. 

We do not live together, we have been seeing each other for almost 6 years (In June). He is 28 yrs old and I am 27 yrs old. 

I find it difficult to let go, because when I speak to my boyfriend alone he understands and gives me reason. But then he tends to speak to his family and it escalates from there. 

Do you advise I speak to his family about this? 

Your BF is being two faced. He agrees with you to pacify you. In no way he is on your side on this, and the coward that he is, he gets his family involved to back him up. Sorry but this is a controlling manipulative BF you have there. There is no way to talk him out of this behaviour. He has a toxic personality, and you need to get out of this relationship asap. You can't fix this sorry.

[SooSad33]

Yeah, by the sounds of it, he's been conditioned, so he's grown up with this behaviour. He will not change!

I'm amazed you've remained this long 😕 . No One stands between me and my family. 

If this is how he ( and they) are, fine, leave him to it. But is time to get on with your life and live it the way YOU want! ❤️ .

Go to that wedding on your own. Enjoy yourself 😉 

 

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Jupana said:

I'm the type of person that tries to talk things through and give a second chance.

There is a big difference between the above, and lacking appropriate boundaries for yourself. You need to identify your own lines in the sand and stop doling out chances when they are not earned or deserved. You've unwittingly been enabling his emotional abuse every time you "reassure" him, skip out on events because of him, or try to talk sense into him. 

You have lost your sense of self-worth along the way. You have lost sight of what a loving, healthy relationship should look like. You have been so busy pandering to him and being controlled by him that you have lost who you truly are. You can get her back, but not until you leave this relationship.