How to go about texting a girl I don't really know that well

[seeking42]

So about 4 days ago I was on a road trip. And we stopped at a restaurant 2 counties up from my home county. The waitress that took our order caught my eye. Problem is, I don't have much confidence so I didn't try to get her number or anything like that. So after I left the restaurant I looked her up on social media (her name was on her apron) and I found her account. I don't know if I should text her or not. I feel like she would find it creepy I found her social media account. And I'm a stranger to her. I don't have much experience texting girls or anything like that I'm only 19. What should I honestly do in this situation? My friends have told me to just text her but I overthink a lot. 

[Batya33]

No it's not ok to text her.  It's creepy if you do.  She is entitled to do her job without then getting contacted by a random customer passing through.  You don't even know if she is single. If you go back there and see her and she approaches you personally to speak with you then you can ask her.  

 

[seeking42]

26 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No it's not ok to text her.  It's creepy if you do.  She is entitled to do her job without then getting contacted by a random customer passing through.  You don't even know if she is single. If you go back there and see her and she approaches you personally to speak with you then you can ask her.  

 

Damn, alright.

[Batya33]

When I was 19 in the 1980s I was introduced to a 24 year old guy one night.  It was a dinner with my friend, her friend who was the brother of the 24 year old and me.  I liked the guy.  We spoke quite a bit.  I pointed across the street from the restaurant and showed him where I was working during college break.  We left the restaurant and all walked a bit and then he left and didn't ask for my number. I asked my friend later if he'd said anything. Nope.  3 or 4 days later I get a call at work -a daycare center.  I go to the main phone and it's him -he saw the name of the daycare center, looked up the number in the phonebook, and called and asked for me by first name.  Except I'd forgotten all about him.  He patiently explained who he was.  Then I remembered. 

We dated for over a year -lovely person.  I give this example because as a young woman -even though I met him and even though we had a really long and pleasant conversation it was kind of shaky ground to figure out how to call me at work when he'd never asked for my number or asked my friend (he was shy to do that he said).  The only reason I felt ok about it is that we'd spoken at length and his brother was my friend's friend (my friend had never met this guy either before that night!)

Especially with women there are a lot of safety concerns and if you "cold call" someone like that you're already on shaky ground -and in your situation she'd have no idea who you were and all you can say is you thought she looked cute at her place of work.  She's likely to end the call ASAP at best and at worst you'll really scare her that you might be a stalker.  

[seeking42]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

When I was 19 in the 1980s I was introduced to a 24 year old guy one night.  It was a dinner with my friend, her friend who was the brother of the 24 year old and me.  I liked the guy.  We spoke quite a bit.  I pointed across the street from the restaurant and showed him where I was working during college break.  We left the restaurant and all walked a bit and then he left and didn't ask for my number. I asked my friend later if he'd said anything. Nope.  3 or 4 days later I get a call at work -a daycare center.  I go to the main phone and it's him -he saw the name of the daycare center, looked up the number in the phonebook, and called and asked for me by first name.  Except I'd forgotten all about him.  He patiently explained who he was.  Then I remembered. 

We dated for over a year -lovely person.  I give this example because as a young woman -even though I met him and even though we had a really long and pleasant conversation it was kind of shaky ground to figure out how to call me at work when he'd never asked for my number or asked my friend (he was shy to do that he said).  The only reason I felt ok about it is that we'd spoken at length and his brother was my friend's friend (my friend had never met this guy either before that night!)

Especially with women there are a lot of safety concerns and if you "cold call" someone like that you're already on shaky ground -and in your situation she'd have no idea who you were and all you can say is you thought she looked cute at her place of work.  She's likely to end the call ASAP at best and at worst you'll really scare her that you might be a stalker.  

Yeah, I don't want that to happen. Never want to make anyone uncomfortable or feel unsafe. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, seeking42 said:

Yeah, I don't want that to happen. Never want to make anyone uncomfortable or feel unsafe. 

You're certainly a good and thoughtful person.

[Unreasonable]

I think its generally a good practice not to try to get with waitresses and other service workers if you're a customer.

[lostandhurt]

Did you catch her eye is the question.  If it isn't to much of a drive then head back to the place and hope she is working.  Order and try and chat her up and see what happens.

People meet at all kinds of places. You are young, she is young so just relax and give it a shot.

 As far as sending her a message online goes.  Remember you are a total stranger so act accordingly.

Lost

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, seeking42 said:

 And we stopped at a restaurant 2 counties up from my home county. 

Who were you on the road trip with? How far away in hours/miles is this restaurant? It's ok to have a crush, but this isn't really a viable situation and cyberstalking and contacting her would most likely be unwelcome.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't text her out of the blue like that. 

You don't know her, don't know if she's single, don't know anything about her. I would be very uncomfortable if a random man I served once (back in the day when I was a server, long before socials) looked me up on social media and contacted me. I am now a teacher and have had prospective students do this, and I always reject the request. My personal life and my professional life are separate for a reason.

If you want to do anything, go back to the restaurant for a meal. See if she's there. If she is, try striking up a conversation. You might get a better sense of whether this young lady is even interested and available. But don't hit her up online when you know nothing about her. 

[Kwothe28]

I am going to go against the grain a bit. Lots of people here are "boomers" or are close to it. To them its inconceivable to somebody message them out of the blue because in their time it wasnt the norm. Because in their time conversations were led mostly face to face. But today its pretty standard that all kinds of people(especially young like you) "slide into your DMs" on Instagram or other social networks. As it has become pretty easy to contact somebody and that somebody also can pretty easy to just ignore it, block you etc.

If you want to shoot her a message, just do it. Be respectful, introduce yourself and see where it goes. Just dont expect anything big since you dont know her and be prepared that she just maybe wont respond at all.

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Kwothe28 said:

But today its pretty standard that all kinds of people(especially young like you) "slide into your DMs" on Instagram or other social networks. As it has become pretty easy to contact somebody and that somebody also can pretty easy to just ignore it, block you etc.

To me it's not generational but more gender-based as it's typically far more concerning when a woman is contacted in that way especially if she realizes the man knows where she works and could show up at her workplace.  In this situation.

About 6 months ago a man I didn't know FB messaged me. I checked his profile -saw that he was engaged and we seemed to know one or two people in common.  So I messaged back "do we know each other?"  He responded with "how are you" I responded one more time "I don't message with men I don't know unless he is someone my husband knows.  Please let me know if we know each other or if you know my husband." The response was "hi".  I blocked him. 

I didn't feel unsafe and I also found his messages inappropriate.  I didn't contact the person he listed as his fiancee or the mutual friends as to me I had done enough by blocking him.  But if he had kept finding a way to contact him -as a woman I would have started to veer towards feeling unsafe and would have escalated my response as needed.

[Kwothe28]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

To me it's not generational but more gender-based as it's typically far more concerning when a woman is contacted in that way especially if she realizes the man knows where she works and could show up at her workplace.  In this situation.

 

That is if we assume OP is some "stalker"(well, he did stalk her on social network but more out of curiosity, even he admits that its not his intention to feel her uncomfortable or unsafe) and that he would do that. Him shooting a respectful message probably wont make her feel "unsafe". Again, in younger generation, its pretty standard stuff. As long as he is respectful, I dont see a harm. 

And with all due respect, last time you dated was 20+ years ago when cellulars were still becoming a thing. Things changed a lot since then and the expansion of social networks. You felt uncomfortable because it wasnt a norm for your time. Ask any of the younger women how many times strangers shoot them a DM on Instagram. Or any other social networks. We can debate how you or anybody else think its uncomfortable. But today its pretty standard stuff. Lots of people getting to know each other and relationships start like that.

[Batya33]

I'm not talking about when I dated. I'm talking about right now today when I am contacted by men I do not know.  As a woman.  What I described happened in late 2022.  That man wanted to contact me apparently to see if we could get to know each other in a sex/dating situation. 

I know many women who are dating right now.  I know many women who work in public facing roles -massage therapy, waitstaff, at gyms, in retail.  Today. 

And I know how it feels as a woman to be contacted or approached by a man I do not know at all in a context where the man is trying to get to know me on a personal level.  It's still different and more concerning for a woman IMO - maybe that sounds sexist -to me it sounds realistic. 

I was followed by a strange man and stared at in a supermarket early on during covid.  I told him to stop. He did not.  He followed me from aisle to aisle staring and making comments. I only shopped there once a week during covid and moved as fast as possible to avoid getting sick.  So I couldn't leave and had stuff in my cart

I went to the manager.  I started to feel unsafe even though he was much older than me and I could have physically overcome him if necessary.  As a woman -and given covid, sure - I didn't want to take those self help steps. 

So-contextually -I don't think it's appropriate for a strange man to look up a waitress's contact info just because he found her physical features attractive and then contact her in that context. Certainly if he wants to return and can strike up an appropriate conversation with her and if she seems amenable to that then yes he can ask her for her number and perhaps they will go on a date.

[smackie9]

Confidence wins the girl. Next time strike up a conversation, flirt a little, then ask if she is single. Get her number. 

[Andrina]

If you're talking more than a 50 minute drive from your home, I say the distance gets to be too much. Especially when new relationships are already fragile to begin with. 

At your age, you should be meeting the largest pool of singles in your age group than you ever will in your life. Why not seek someone local? Do you go to college? What hobbies/interests get you out of the house? When's the last time you asked out a woman?

I think subconsciously you're purposely seeking an Internet connection first, instead of in person interaction, because you lack confidence and feel safer with that way of handling things. Not a good idea. You're going to have to build a spine and learn how to get comfortable interacting in person. Practice makes perfect. There's a 50 percent chance a woman will be into you. If not, it leaves you free for when a better match comes along. Good luck.

[MissCanuck]

18 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Ask any of the younger women how many times strangers shoot them a DM on Instagram. Or any other social networks. We can debate how you or anybody else think its uncomfortable.

I work directly with plenty of young women. 

They don't find it any less uncomfortable than an older person when some guy they don't know tracks them down on social media. Not sure why you think it's different for them. It might be more commonplace to contact strangers this way, but that wasn't the point of this post. 

The point was how OP can connect with the young lady. If he wants a better chance, sliding into her DMs like any random creeper isn't the best move. He's a lot more likely to be ignored that way, precisely because he's probably one of many who do the same. If he wants to stand out and thus increase his chances of success, his best approach would be to go back and see her face-to-face. 

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Not sure why you think it's different for them. 

Because its a different "game" out there for younger people. How many threads do we have where they met online, without dating apps? When one side shot a message to other? Just because we dont understand it doesnt mean they dont accept it as a thing they do. Even his friends encouraged him to do it. 

Also, again, where is the harm if he is shoots a respectful message? We are not talking about him going to her work or even following her to a supermarket. We are talking about a message. Where she can just ignore or block him if she doesnt want to interact with him.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Because its a different "game" out there for younger people. How many threads do we have where they met online, without dating apps? When one side shot a message to other? Just because we dont understand it doesnt mean they dont accept it as a thing they do. Even his friends encouraged him to do it. 

Also, again, where is the harm if he is shoots a respectful message? We are not talking about him going to her work or even following her to a supermarket. We are talking about a message. Where she can just ignore or block him if she doesnt want to interact with him.

Because she didn't offer her contact info to him. Any of it.  She will know he tracked her down through her place of work.  Without any conversation so all he can tell her is he noticed her physical features.  This is not about age.  When I was tracked down we'd had a long conversation and we knew people in common that we were out with - he still went about it by hunting down my place of work and knowing only my first name and calling me at work -which was a bit on shaky ground but at least he could remind me we'd met in person and had a long conversation and explain that he was too shy to ask his brother to ask our friend for my number.  I at least had spoken to him and could verify who he was. 

One time I was out on a first meet.  A man at the next table was too.  He was checking me out.  Later he emailed me because he said I'd responded to his dating profile some months ago and he recognized me.  That too was different -I'd reached out to him -I'd welcomed some sort of contact. We actually went out a few times!

[Whirling D]

Perhaps an alternative approach would be to simply send her a “friend“ request.

it would certainly be a longshot, but it would allow her the opportunity to check out your page and see if she feels comfortable having you as an FB friend.  You might be then able to engage in a dialogue here or there regarding things she might post, or visa versa.

this actually happened with me a couple of years ago, with several ladies that live in adjacent towns. I would see them commenting on things locally, and I thought they looked nice, and I was single… So I sent them friend requests, and they accepted. 

I knew going in that some might be creeped out by that approach, but I figured nothing ventured nothing gained, and sometimes confidence, even with that approach, could pay off.

With one of these ladies, I would make comments on a few of her postings here and there, until out of the blue, one day, she DMed me and asked me out for coffee! 

so, I think as all the others have said, proceed with caution, but in my case, being a bit bold and risking being creepy paid off and it was worth it.  
 

 

[Big Stan]

The ONLY way you can contact a girl outside of her work is if you have the stones to ask for her number.  I have had girls look me up on socials and that is one reason why I no longer have any socials.  You shoot your shot while you are in front of that girl and accept the answer.  Do it in a polite and friendly way and even if she says no she shouldn't be too creeped out by it.  

Do it on from sleuthing over socials and she will think you want to chop her up and stick her in your freezer to eat later.  Seriously, I have had this happen to me and I felt creeped out and violated.  Don't be that person.