Got a girl's number, now what?

[Unreasonable]

So I have been doing online dating for a couple months now (recently divorced), and I'm already burnt out of it.

I went bowling tonight with my kids and started chit chatting a little bit with this attractive woman in the adjacent table.  She had her (younger) kids there too.  We didn't really say a lot of personally identifiable things to each other other than she subtly let it drop that she was a widow.  So after some prodding from my daughter I mustered up enough courage to ask her for her number, and she gave it to me, pretty eagerly.

(As an aside, you have NO idea HOW many things had to have happened for this to have occurred!)

So we don't know really know anything about each other other than we find each other attractive and, our names, and that we have kids.

I'm looking at this through the lens of online dating (Match) where you know an actually pretty good deal about the person before you say a thing to each other.  Exact age, occupation, education level, basic politics and religion, etc.  Obviously I don't want to unload all this on her at once, that just seems weird in an "organic" situation.  And for god's sake I NOT want to go through an online-dating seeming process, it's awful!!

But at the same time I don't really know what TO say.  Keep in mind I was married for 28 years, and and back then there was no texting or anything like that and I have zero experience in this basically.  I don't want to drop age real quickly, I imagine based of the younger age of her children and her appearance she's probably late 30's early 40's, and I'm 51 (but regularly get that I look up to 10 years younger than that).  I did tell her that I have a 24 year old daughter, that wasn't there, so she can probably put 2 and 2 together and know I'm not a spring chicken.

Anyway, help this old guy out here, this was only a few hours ago but I don't want to take too long getting back to her. 😂

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Unreasonable said:

 I mustered up enough courage to ask her for her number, and she gave it to me, pretty eagerly. So we don't know really know anything about each other other than we find each other attractive and, our names, and that we have kids.. 

Exactly. You don't want to wait to long to give her a call and ask her out. You know enough about her and dating is to get to know her more.

Keep it simple at first a drink, coffee, lunch preferably the coming weekend.  

[Kwothe28]

Depends if you want to call or message. I dont like to call at first unless I know that its convenient time for them. So maybe message at first. Introduce yourself, say that you met at bowling, ask her how she is doing and something specific about her, for example if she likes bowling. And then go from there if and when she answers. If she likes bowling maybe you can ask her for a date at a bowling alley. That should be your goal that you shouldnt go around too much. To set up a date in a couple of messages. 

[Jaunty]

I suggest that you try to do some activity on the date.  That way you can have something to focus on besides telling each other about yourselves, you can see how your chemistry is going, low pressure.   You can start the process of getting to know each other in a more organic, less "interview" like way.  

 

[Siofra123]

Text her. Ask how her bowling game went and ask how the rest of her weekend went. Definitely don’t leave it too long, text today I’d say. Then if she gets back to you, maybe chat for a little while and ask her out for something simple; like a coffee, where you guys can plan another game of bowling together! Wouldn’t worry too much about the age thing, she’s probably twigged it and doesn’t mind. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Unreasonable said:

 , this was only a few hours ago but I don't want to take too long getting back to her. 

Yes, definitely contact her in a timely fashion. It doesn't matter if it's calling or texting.  Keep it refreshing. A simple "hi this is unreasonable from the bowling alley. Would you like to get together this weekend for lunch?"  Keep the venue kid free and quieter so you have a chance to talk and get to know each other. 

[Batya33]

I would contact her within two days -I have a son and so even though I prefer talking to texting since she is probably on her own -text first given the kids, and you know -busy! "Hi I really enjoyed meeting you the other day at __.  Do you have time for a quick call?  I'm available [now] or let's figure out what makes sense."  Then on the call keep chit chat for a minimum and simply say "I'd love to continue the conversation -since the weather's nice do you want to meet for a walk at ___ park [or walking trail etc]. Maybe we can grab some [ice cream/a smoothie] along the way [signaling that you want to include something you're going to pay for lol]

The very best pickup line I ever had was at a singles event in the late 80s.  We were in our 20s.  He simply smiled (he was standing a foot away from my friend and me) and said "Hi".  We chatted some and he asked for our numbers (to be polite -as my friend said he absolutely was interested in me lol) and called a few days later and we had a short convo and he asked me out on a date.  Simple as that.  I liked his genuineness and directness - and not being full on, etc.

Good luck!!! Your kids were smart to prod you and encourage you!

[MissCanuck]

Send her a message and see if she would like have a coffee or something low-key. 

All the vitals (age, jobs, and so on) will come out organically in conversation with her. There's no need to front-load all the details all at once. 

Good luck!

[Unreasonable]

Thanks all. I sent her a lighthearted fairly generic text without giving much away (other than hinting I have a job 😊) and letting her know I'd love to get to get to know her better and meet up with her sometime soon.  We'll see how it goes, trying not to get my hopes up, which is a major problem with me.  Thanks again. 

[Cherylyn]

Text and suggest meeting for coffee or lunch.  She'll have to squeeze you into her hectic life because she's a very busy mother of children.  Just remain realistic about that because her time,  energy and brain space is very limited for you.  Parenthood is busier for mothers than fathers especially if children live with their mother.  She has less time than you.  Hope all goes well!  🙂

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Unreasonable said:

 letting her know I'd love to get to get to know her better and meet up with her sometime soon.  

Great idea. Did she reply yet? Enjoy the date.

[Batya33]

17 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Text and suggest meeting for coffee or lunch.  She'll have to squeeze you into her hectic life because she's a very busy mother of children.  Just remain realistic about that because her time,  energy and brain space is very limited for you.  Parenthood is busier for mothers than fathers especially if children live with their mother.  She has less time than you.  Hope all goes well!  🙂

From what he said she is a widow so it doesn't really matter in this case unfortunately whether mothers or fathers work harder - hopefully she has family/friends help and support and maybe even her in-laws and late husband's family live in the area.

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

From what he said she is a widow so it doesn't really matter in this case unfortunately whether mothers or fathers work harder - hopefully she has family/friends help and support and maybe even her in-laws and late husband's family live in the area.

I was referring to wherever children live.  If they live with their mother,  she has less time on her hands because she's saddled with more childcare responsibilities than a father who doesn't live with his children 24 / 7.  That's the difference but it won't stop them for having a good time,  time,  energy and resources permitting.  As long as everyone remains realistic,  all is swell. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I was referring to wherever children live.  If they live with their mother,  she has less time on her hands because she's saddled with more childcare responsibilities than a father who doesn't live with his children 24 / 7.  That's the difference but it won't stop them for having a good time,  time,  energy and resources permitting.  As long as everyone remains realistic,  all is swell. 

Yes that is true when there are two parents who are living but not together. In her case she's saddled with more responsibilities because the father passed away and that might affect how she cares for her children -her mindset/commitment/dedication - even in joint custody where mom does more - at least dad does his part.  She's in a much more vulnerable position most likely, most likely her kids are too and  the OP should sort of have that situation on his radar as he proceeds.  

I was concerned about a hypothetical that was quite different from her tragic situation.

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes that is true when there are two parents who are living but not together. In her case she's saddled with more responsibilities because the father passed away and that might affect how she cares for her children -her mindset/commitment/dedication - even in joint custody where mom does more - at least dad does his part.  She's in a much more vulnerable position most likely, most likely her kids are too and  the OP should sort of have that situation on his radar as he proceeds.  

I was concerned about a hypothetical that was quite different from her tragic situation.

Yes,  dad does his part but if children don't live with him,  it's the mother who does the majority of work regarding 24 / 7 child rearing which is quite taxing and time consuming.  As long as OP @Unreasonablekeeps this in mind,  there are no surprises regarding limited time,  energy and resources type constraints. 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes,  dad does his part but if children don't live with him,  it's the mother who does the majority of work regarding 24 / 7 child rearing which is quite taxing and time consuming.  As long as OP @Unreasonablekeeps this in mind,  there are no surprises regarding limited time,  energy and resources type constraints. 

Very true.  Very irrelevant to this situation IMO and I think what is far more relevant is she is a widow and he should keep in mind that that situation very often brings up lots of other factors that are not present in a joint custody situation. Certainly it's "better" than where there are custody battles or one parent abandons the children.

[Andrina]

Here are a few suggestions since you are getting back into dating after a long period away from it. Even if sparks are flying, keep the first couple of dates less than two hours. You don't want to overdo it and be stars that sizzle so hot they just as quickly burn out.

Keep a realistic wait-and-see attitude. Try to keep your mindset in the present and don't project to the future. Try to just think, "My goal is to enjoy having a good cup of coffee and interesting conversation." Time will reveal all, if you're compatible in all the major ways, have similar dating and life goals, and similar ethics, etc.

That's why there's a dating program called: It's just lunch.

Don't place huge expectations on beginning dating situations. It takes a long time to get past the honeymoon stage to see the real person, if it even gets that far.

And just because your kids have met each other, don't feel as though everyone should mingle again until it gets to a point where you both know it looks like the relationship will be long term. That's usually not before the 8 to 10 month mark. Kids don't need to get attached to adults who quickly end up exiting. It's harder to date without going to each others homes when the kids are there, but the kids mental health is more important than inconvenience.

Good luck and have fun!

 

[Unreasonable]

Well it appears that it was all ado about nothing.  I texted her, twice, over a few days and she never got back to me.

I'm not so upset that it didn't pan out, but I'm bothered that I'll never know why. Got all sorts of theories in my head. She seemed genuinely excited about it, almost to point of being giddy.  It's not just me, my kids saw it too.  Bizarre.  

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry to hear that

47 minutes ago, Unreasonable said:

I'm not so upset that it didn't pan out, but I'm bothered that I'll never know why.

I found out its usless to beat the head and wonder why. Maybe she changed her mind, maybe she dates other people, who knows. What is important is that you took a chance and tried. Next time some other one would answer positively.