I[30M] had discussion with my gf[30f] and I regret how I acted

[Kartoff]

I have been almost three years with my gf. Not everything was great but lately it has improved.

 

But yesterday we argue, and I regret how we acted.

First she was nervous as a family member was in the hospital(safe, but she was nervous)

The origin of the discussion is she just learnt she will have an exam when we are on a trip with my friends. She said that we should go two days later. That suppose paying for two more trips(the plane tickets cannot be cancelled) and me losing two holiday days.

I did not like she decided it by herself as I see not problem in her coming later. I wont enter in detail, but even my therapist agree that was the rational decision.

Anyways she thought that was not okay and although I agree to go with her she was not happy it was not my first decision.

The thing I regret is that I am a coward and then I always try to descalate and she hates that(with reason). I then... Open the box of ***... And told her things that has anger me and honestly that was a free attack.

Anyways as we do not live together now I have to try and work without thinking about it. I just do not know what to expect.

I also told her that I am scared that even for one small fail she will break up, and she got annoyed by that.

 

I am lost. I do not know what to do nor what I want at this point.

Other discussions end up with an end, but this one did not and is drstroying me

[Kwothe28]

I also think its rational that she comes 2 days later. Its not that big of a deal.

You are afraid that she would break up because of small fight. So you probably let her walk over you when it comes to issues in the past. So her deciding for both how you should wait for 2 days until her exam is over, is not that surprising. Stop doing that. If you have  problem, you need to talk about it. Even if she gets mad.

If you said something hurtful, apologize. But dont concede about vacation issue. You will have to learn to stand your ground somewhere.

[SherrySher]

Just wanted to mention, I hope you didn't mention the therapist agreeing with you because it can feel like two against one and will only put her more on the offensive.

I can see her side of things with feeling vulnerable due to a family member being in hospital and wanting you two to go together and not travelling on her own.

I can also see your side where you don't want to lose time or money.

When you're discussing things, try not to make it you against her and who is right.

Try to be on the same team and make a mutual decision that is right for you both.

If you feel like she might break up with you due to not seeing eye to her, is that because she is combative and vengeful like that? Or if it due to your lack of self esteem/self worth?

If it's the latter, then you might want to work on that with a therapist, otherwise it could sabotage your relationship.

But if it's because of her temper, it might be a sign that she doesn't love you like she should and she is making you feel fearful rather than secure.

[Kartoff]

8 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

 

If you feel like she might break up with you due to not seeing eye to her, is that because she is combative and vengeful like that? Or if it due to your lack of self esteem/self worth?

If it's the latter, then you might want to work on that with a therapist, otherwise it could sabotage your relationship.

But if it's because of her temper, it might be a sign that she doesn't love you like she should and she is making you feel fearful rather than secure.

No I did not mention the therapist. I am not used to express myself and it end up being a "you make me feel" instead of I. 

I got low self steem and fear of being abandoned. Is my problem and I am trying to fix it(one of the main reasons I choose therapy). But in my defense the fear is because of her attitude.

She once ask for a break out of the blue, and then did as if nothing happened. We had a couple of arguments in our relationships and she has always bring the break up card. She told me stories about how she break up in the instant with past partners...

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Kartoff said:

 did not like she decided it by herself as I see not problem in her coming later. I wont enter in detail, but even my therapist agree that was the rational decision.

Are you both going to go on the trip together after the exam or did you decide to go first and she will join you after the exam?

Unfortunately there's a lot of conflicts and breakups. Perhaps your therapist can help you assess whether it's a good idea to breakup with her for good.

Is this the same woman?:

 

[SherrySher]

2 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

She once ask for a break out of the blue, and then did as if nothing happened. We had a couple of arguments in our relationships and she has always bring the break up card. She told me stories about how she break up in the instant with past partners...

This needs to be addressed then.

When you are letting your partner know your concerns, it doesn't have to automatically be a fight.

I think lots of people get that wrong. Discussion, versus fight..they are not the same thing.

It's okay to calmy talk to your partner and let them know that because of past upsets they have brought up breaking up and now you are worried about that.

If your girlfriend however is not capable of discussing this without getting angry, then it is a reg flag that she is the problem here and a relationship will unlikely work.

[smackie9]

You both just don't know how to communicate with each other. Just agree to talk openly about what is bothering you instead of attacking one another, and agree that if there is a decision being made, then tell the other about it first. it's that simple. But if someone does make a mistake or missteps, don't go off the rails about it. Control your anger, but don't curl up in a ball. You are adults, and it's time to step up and be adult about your communication. 

 

[Kartoff]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

You both just don't know how to communicate with each other. 

We do not. I am tryign but I am not making progress. I tend to supress and rationalize my emotions, putting everyone else before me.

Anyways I am mad at myself. I was not able to comunicate and that angers me 

[Kartoff]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you both going to go on the trip together after the exam or did you decide to go first and she will join you after the exam?

Unfortunately there's a lot of conflicts and breakups. Perhaps your therapist can help you assess whether it's a good idea to breakup with her for good.

Is this the same woman?:

 

Yes she is...

I was planning on going with my friends and she coming after the exam

[Batya33]

17 hours ago, Kartoff said:

We do not. I am tryign but I am not making progress. I tend to supress and rationalize my emotions, putting everyone else before me.

Anyways I am mad at myself. I was not able to comunicate and that angers me 

Do  you do that so people will approve of you and/or you're scared if you don't act like a martyr people will leave you?

[Kartoff]

21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Do  you do that so people will approve of you and/or you're scared if you don't act like a martyr people will leave you?

I dont wabt to act like a martyr.

But I doo seek for approval all the time

[Kartoff]

We talk yesterday. We try to make things clear. I will be finally going with her but the discussion did not really changed.

She sees she might have imposed but she says she still find non sense in me going before. She also say how she hates how fast I try to deescalate.

We have supposedly fix it. But I feel is still not right. I am also having some health issues that brings me pain, and it does not allow me to see things clearly.

 

I guesw this wekend will show me what will happen. Not living together make this harder

[Wiseman2]

On 4/27/2023 at 5:57 AM, Kartoff said:

 . I am not used to express myself and it end up being a "you make me feel" instead of I. 

she has always bring the break up card. 

Someone who chronically uses breakups as ultimatums and to win arguments, is someone who likes to be right and have the power and control though emotional manipulation.  You don't have to put up with that.

Rearranging semantics to "I" statements doesn't really help much because the the gist is the same but now you're making the other person responsible for your feelings on top of whatever is wrong. While it's been a popular trend, it really just complicates things with sugar coating and condescension. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

For example "I'm going on the trip as scheduled and you can join me after the test ".  Adding stuff like "it makes me feel so and so when you ....." simply muddles things and turns a simple statement into an emotionally loaded bomb.

State your case, make your point and of course don't blame anyone for anyone else's feelings. 

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

I dont wabt to act like a martyr.

But I doo seek for approval all the time

Right so you're not doing this to be good to others - it's for self-absorbed reasons so people will like you.  The good news is it's like a habit and you can practice reacting to your need for approval differently.  Find a balance so that you act in a way that is consistent with self-respect and self-confidence.  It might be as simple as saying "no" without a big back story or saying "I feel frustrated when you speak to me that way."

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

We talk yesterday. We try to make things clear. I will be finally going with her but the discussion did not really changed.

She sees she might have imposed but she says she still find non sense in me going before. She also say how she hates how fast I try to deescalate.

We have supposedly fix it. But I feel is still not right. I am also having some health issues that brings me pain, and it does not allow me to see things clearly.

 

I guesw this wekend will show me what will happen. Not living together make this harder

I think living together would make it harder because then you have to consider what would I do if we broke up.  I'm sorry you're in pain!  I know that can cloud judgment. I hope you feel better.

[Kartoff]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think living together would make it harder because then you have to consider what would I do if we broke up.  I'm sorry you're in pain!  I know that can cloud judgment. I hope you feel better.

That is true. But right now if we were together it would be easier to feel each other.

Now I am starting to overanalyze the texts...

[boltnrun]

Why are you discussing important things over text? If you two are in a relationship why don't you actually TALK to one another? Your phones have a feature where you can use them to speak to one another rather than using the keyboard to type. It really cuts down on misunderstandings and misinterpretations. 

[Kartoff]

39 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why are you discussing important things over text? If you two are in a relationship why don't you actually TALK to one another? Your phones have a feature where you can use them to speak to one another rather than using the keyboard to type. It really cuts down on misunderstandings and misinterpretations. 

We talk it in person. But it does not close that easily, and now the text are killing me

[boltnrun]

21 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

We talk it in person. But it does not close that easily, and now the text are killing me

What texts? 

[Batya33]

Just because you share physical space doesn't mean it's always a good time to have intense conversations. If  you feel things are so complicated that you need constant opportunities to have "relationship talks" in person or to hash out conflict that's the issue not the not sharing physical space.

[Kartoff]

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What texts? 

We do not live together nor usually call. When we are not together our comunication is via text.

And I hate the feeling of being like something is not right and not see her.

Now I overanalizye every text..

[boltnrun]

8 minutes ago, Kartoff said:

We do not live together nor usually call. When we are not together our comunication is via text.

And I hate the feeling of being like something is not right and not see her.

Now I overanalizye every text..

That's why I said it's a better idea to have important conversations over an actual phone call instead of over text.

Why can't you call her?

[lostandhurt]

Your other 2 threads on her were not promising and it seems things have not improved.

You were looking for courage to break up with her and don't trust her and now you cannot even communicate.

  You are under her thumb and she knows it so she can treat you any way she pleases.

 This trip and the drama around it is just another symptom, you need to stop trying to treat the symptoms of this relationship and look for the cure.

 How much longer can you endure this till you finally realize being alone and single is way better than this?

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

You’re beating a dead horse with this relationship.

Eventually it’s going to come to an end. It just depends now on how long you want to drag out the inevitable. 

[smackie9]

I have to ask...are all your past relationships (long or short)end up like this?