Needing a sane audience :(

[Nebraskagirl14]

Hi, all-

I posted a few months ago about ending my relationship. Well, it took longer than I thought, but I ended it. I chose me. Here is where it gets confusing for me. When my partner was happy and taken care of by me, I was the best girlfriend ever in the world. If I brought up any needs or feelings that weren’t happy, she felt attacked and it was total anger and dismissing my feelings, gaslighting and blame shifting. She never took responsibility for being emotionally abusive, and denied the fact that it was emotionally abusive. She brought an ex of mine into the conversation, and said that she heard through a mutual friend that my ex agrees with her that a relationship with me is either amazing or completely hideous. She told me that I don’t work as hard as her or have as much ambition. She said I work part-rime when I don’t. She said, “I applaud that you are okay with your standard of living” and said there is a reason that SHE was able to buy a house (inferring that there is a reason that I haven’t been able to (aka. I don’t work hard). The truth of the matter is that she works in Tech and I work in education. She told me that she read all of our text messages to her psychologist and that her psychologist said there is nothing wrong with anything she said and there was absolutely no gaslighting. 

I know that none of this matters one iota, but I literally come out of the conversation questioning my reality. She has of course convinced all of her friends that she is the protagonist and I am the antagonist of this drama she has created and YET, she has come back twice now wanting to reconcile. Of course, I’m not having it, but instead of just not talking to her, I get triggered and feel like I have to defend myself against these phantom bullies that clearly think she is the good girlfriend and I was just unhealthy. I know I shouldn’t care but she really threw me off my game when she contacted me. I had been doing so well and I will brush it off. I was just wondering if anyone has been with someone like this and if what I wrote IS emotional abuse or am I off base?? Just the gaslighting is considered emotional abuse, I believe. It certainly was a toxic connection. The fact that she is wholehearted denying even being remotely rude to me is like mind-boggling. I have never in my life met or been with someone like this and so I have no experience with it and I hope I never do again. Thank you! 

[MissCanuck]

32 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

YET, she has come back twice now wanting to reconcile.

Why haven't you blocked her? 

You are keeping yourself stuck and standing in your own way by allowing her any avenues of access to you. 

[Nebraskagirl14]

21 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Why haven't you blocked her? 

You are keeping yourself stuck and standing in your own way by allowing her any avenues of access to you. 

I have never had to block anyone (well, one person) and so it isn’t natural to me, but you’re right. I need to do it. I’m upset that I let her get to me. I think what I need to get over is all of the people that she has convinced that she is completely good and stable and I am the problem. I don’t know why I care. None of them are my friends. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

She told me that she read all of our text messages to her psychologist and that her psychologist said there is nothing wrong with anything she said and there was absolutely no gaslighting. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you'll have to cut her off in order to heal. Think of blocking as protecting yourself the same way as locking your car or home  to keep undesirables out.

She's using the judge and jury tactic of crazy-making. "Everyone else thinks.....". (fill in whatever self-serving rubbish). 

 Try not to wait for change or apologies. Try to accept that she's toxic to you and needs to be purged from your heart and mind.

[Nebraskagirl14]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you'll have to cut her off in order to heal. Think of blocking as protecting yourself the same way as locking your car or home  to keep undesirables out.

She's using the judge and jury tactic of crazy-making. "Everyone else thinks.....". (fill in whatever self-serving rubbish). 

 Try not to wait for change or apologies. Try to accept that she's toxic to you and needs to be purged from your heart and mind.

Thank you, Wiseman. I will do that. You’re right. I would rather not have to cut someone off, but she has proven to be far more toxic than I ever realized when I was in the relationship. Thank you again! 

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

She has of course convinced all of her friends that she is the protagonist and I am the antagonist of this drama she has created

Isnt that almost always a case? We are always a villain in our exes story and heroes in ours. People like to find justification of their own actions. So its highly unlikely they will see themselves as a villains of the story. Because if they saw that, they wouldnt do bad stuff they did as they would find them bad. So they, in lot of times, transfer it to other side and make it "the bad guy". 

[Batya33]

Your truth is that you feel emotionally abused. 

For example I love my mother to the moon and back and admire her so much.  She will never, ever ever validate that for years she made comments comparing me and my sister in terms of my sister's success at finding a spouse and getting married and my being unable to commit, wasting my time with the wrong matches and/or not committing to them, and that my sister was better at making those good choices and that she was better at that and therefore she got to have her babies young, the dream of marriage and family I so badly wanted (she is 5 years older - I was only 19 when she married but by then was looking for "the one".)

My sister lied to herself and us about being sure about her husband, about being in love and I'm not "mad" at her -she was in denial -but my truth was that I felt like crap at family functions especially for all those years, my mom favored her it seemed with attention because she needed her more than I did with all those kids apparently and my boyfriends were treated nicely but I felt compared unfavorably since they were "just" boyfriends and wow I was already in my 30s.  It was an icky feeling and only in the past couple of years can my sister see how hard that was for me.

I know from wanting to be validated that way.  Life isn't fair that way.  I'm sorry.  My son routinely labeled me as the worst mother in the entire world since I wouldn't get him a smartphone till very recently. 

Over the years I ended friendships and relationships with people who treated me badly and over the years of course we had mutual friends who stayed in touch and saw nothing "wrong" with them etc. I worked with a couple of toxic people over the years who others loved working with.

It's also unfair that of course if someone heaven forbid is physically abused and there are marks/injuries that is far more likely to be validated than "emotional abuse."  Life is not fair.  This person treated yo badly and count yourself lucky that you no longer have to put up with her.

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Think of blocking as protecting yourself the same way as locking your car or home  to keep undesirables out.

This is genius.  Do you lock your car when you get out or do you leave it unlocked because you feel you shouldn't have to lock it, or because you feel bad about locking it?  How about your home?

You can't control what people think of you.  This is particularly true when it's people who are not even important in your life.  Don't assign them importance just because your ex does. 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

When my partner was happy and taken care of by me, I was the best girlfriend ever in the world. If I brought up any needs or feelings that weren’t happy, she felt attacked and it was total anger and dismissing my feelings, gaslighting and blame shifting. She never took responsibility for being emotionally abusive, and denied the fact that it was emotionally abusive.

She brought an ex of mine into the conversation, and said that she heard through a mutual friend that my ex agrees with her that a relationship with me is either amazing or completely hideous. She told me that I don’t work as hard as her or have as much ambition.

She said I work part-rime when I don’t. She said, “I applaud that you are okay with your standard of living” and said there is a reason that SHE was able to buy a house (inferring that there is a reason that I haven’t been able to (aka. I don’t work hard). The truth of the matter is that she works in Tech and I work in education.

She told me that she read all of our text messages to her psychologist and that her psychologist said there is nothing wrong with anything she said and there was absolutely no gaslighting. 

Good gawd!  This all DOES spell Toxic! Look up toxic traits - wait it's been proven, by her!

Whollay, be glad you are out of this with her 😉 . People like this make me cringe... I know a few.

And I'm pretty sure ALL of it's fabricated - because, IF she's said anything to her psych, whatever they said, was most likely also turned around, by her!

11 hours ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

I know that none of this matters one iota, but I literally come out of the conversation questioning my reality.

Right!  This is what they do and they're pro at it!  Mindfk.

Avoid, totally , block and run!  Work on your healing from this nasty experience and keep reminding yourself you ARE okay and you ARE the decent one! 😉 .

 

[Nebraskagirl14]

Thank you all so much for your responses. It’s been really hard. My life is certainly better without her in it, but we had some wonderful times, too and so it was confusing to me. When we first broke up, I was really devastated over, losing the relationship, particularly over not seeing her animals anymore with whom I have a wonderful relationship. As I’ve gotten distance from the relationship, I can truly see it for what it was. Thank you all again, very much.

[Cherylyn]

Sounds like she is a narcissist.  She's vacuuming you back into her life because when you ended your relationship with her and she no longer was able to gaslight you,  you cut off her power supply which drove her crazy.  She reached out to you because she needs you to feed off of her.  She doesn't have a punching bag whenever you're out of the picture.  Yes,  you were very much emotionally abused and no,  you were not off base.  I know all about gaslighting because I've been gaslit all my life courtesy of various nasty,  very ugly people in my life. 

Denial is a classic narcissist and gaslighter's tactic.  They'll merely talk in vicious circles with you in order to wear you down to defeat and you will lose every time.  The best thing to do is to go permanent NC (no contact),  block,  delete and same with all social media as well.  Cut them off and amputate them from your life.  This toxic person should become "out of sight,  out of mind"  forever.  The only way to protect yourself,  feel safe from harm,  heal,  recover and move on is to eliminate them from your life entirely.

In the future,  beware of tricky conversationalists.  It's their way to manipulate the dialogue and control you.  If you catch a whiff of a narcissist and gaslighter,  run for the hills for your own safety.

[Nebraskagirl14]

50 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Sounds like she is a narcissist.  She's vacuuming you back into her life because when you ended your relationship with her and she no longer was able to gaslight you,  you cut off her power supply which drove her crazy.  She reached out to you because she needs you to feed off of her.  She doesn't have a punching bag whenever you're out of the picture.  Yes,  you were very much emotionally abused and no,  you were not off base.  I know all about gaslighting because I've been gaslit all my life courtesy of various nasty,  very ugly people in my life. 

Denial is a classic narcissist and gaslighter's tactic.  They'll merely talk in vicious circles with you in order to wear you down to defeat and you will lose every time.  The best thing to do is to go permanent NC (no contact),  block,  delete and same with all social media as well.  Cut them off and amputate them from your life.  This toxic person should become "out of sight,  out of mind"  forever.  The only way to protect yourself,  feel safe from harm,  heal,  recover and move on is to eliminate them from your life entirely.

In the future,  beware of tricky conversationalists.  It's their way to manipulate the dialogue and control you.  If you catch a whiff of a narcissist and gaslighter,  run for the hills for your own safety.

THANK YOU, Cherylyn! Thank you!!! This was a really tricky relationship because they say narcissists love bomb and then discard but she love bombed intermittently or just told me how much she appreciated me and then never discarded me, so she didn’t fit into the typical narcissist description. Thank you again, Cherylyn. Your reply made me feel sane. 

 

[Cherylyn]

12 minutes ago, Nebraskagirl14 said:

THANK YOU, Cherylyn! Thank you!!! This was a really tricky relationship because they say narcissists love bomb and then discard but she love bombed intermittently or just told me how much she appreciated me and then never discarded me, so she didn’t fit into the typical narcissist description. Thank you again, Cherylyn. Your reply made me feel sane. 

 

You're quite welcome @Nebraskagirl14.  Yes,  love bombing is all too typical.  Typical love bombing tactics are the following:  compliments,  thanking you,  being sugary syrupy sweet,  being very nice,  etc.  Never fall for those tricks otherwise they'll perceive you as a sucker.  ☹️

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

She's using the judge and jury tactic of crazy-making. "Everyone else thinks.....". (fill in whatever self-serving rubbish). 

I think 'tactic' is a great word for this. Ex is pressing a button to make you fear a consensus against you, as though anyone else gets a vote.

Some politicians use this bully tactic to promote lies with which "many people" agree (meaning there's zero factual evidence to support it.)

If you want some peace, consider exactly how much you remember about the details of another's breakup. If it hasn't gone 'poof!' the next day from your memory, then it's gone the next.

Don't stress yourself, and congrAts! on making the best decision for you. Great to hear from you, Nebraska!

[Nebraskagirl14]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I think 'tactic' is a great word for this. Ex is pressing a button to make you fear a consensus against you, as though anyone else gets a vote.

Some politicians use this bully tactic to promote lies with which "many people" agree (meaning there's zero factual evidence to support it.)

If you want some peace, consider exactly how much you remember about the details of another's breakup. If it hasn't gone 'poof!' the next day from your memory, then it's gone the next.

Don't stress yourself, and congrAts! on making the best decision for you. Great to hear from you, Nebraska!

Thanks, Catfeeder!! I appreciate your support! I’m so happy to be free from this!! 🙂