Fwb and the girl?

[Merrilsilverste]

Why would a guy never give a straight reply to if he's seeing someone or dating someone to 1 specific girl?

 

My new boyfriend (he was my ex boyfriends close friends and I met him through my ex) is unwilling to tell this one girl he wanted to hook up with (but she didn't hook up with him) that he is with me. She has asked him several times but he never gives a straightforward response and always evades it by telling her how he doesn't discuss his private life. However, he did mention this to his colleagues that he was seeing someone but will never tell her. She also offered to stop talking to him multiple times if he's not single but he does not agree to it.

 

She has feelings for him and he knows that. However, each time she tries to end their connection, he gets all worked up and refuses to stop talking. He even told her I will talk when I want, I want to say hi and chit chat even though she is unwilling as she is suspicious about us.

 

She asked him yet again yesterday and I overheard their conversation but he refused to tell her, got angry at the people who told her to stop talking to him as he's not single and said he will chit chat with her. He has also kept her number saved.

 

Why is he hiding this from her?

[boltnrun]

Why would you tolerate this situation?

He isn't telling her because he wants her to think he's single and available to "hook up".

I'm willing to bet there's a lot you don't know about the two of them.

[spinstermanquee]

Reminiscent of high school.  Trying to have his cake and eat it too 😉  I think you know the answer to this one Merril

[Merrilsilverste]

7 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Why would you tolerate this situation?

He isn't telling her because he wants her to think he's single and available to "hook up".

I'm willing to bet there's a lot you don't know about the two of them.

He doesnt answer that. So its she can guess he's hiding something.

There's nothing else because the girl refused to hook up and has refused him since 2021

[Merrilsilverste]

7 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Reminiscent of high school.  Trying to have his cake and eat it too 😉  I think you know the answer to this one Merril

I dont understand. 

[spinstermanquee]

14 minutes ago, Merrilsilverste said:

Why would a guy never give a straight reply to if he's seeing someone or dating someone to 1 specific girl?  ....Why is he hiding this from her?

He is dating you but he likes her.  Sorry this is happening to you.  He is keeping his options open with her while dating you (has a cake and trying to eat another too).

[Merrilsilverste]

2 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

He is dating you but he likes her.  Sorry this is happening to you.  He is keeping his options open with her while dating you (has a cake and trying to eat another too).

But she has told him she wants a relationship not a hook up. She rejected hook up since 2021

He knows she likes and cares for him but he won't be with her. Instead he's with me. She git suspicious and kept asking him if he's with someone and if he is then she will back off but he never gave her a straight reply.

[bluecastle]

Can I ask how old you guys are for context?

I can only speak for myself, but if my girlfriend was not happy to let anyone know I was her boyfriend—like, if she purposely withheld this, as he’s doing—I wouldn’t really care what her motives were because I’d know her idea of a relationship and mine didn’t line up. 

[spinstermanquee]

If a MAN wants what he has he will stand up to anyone who asks.  He doesn't hide his partner from ANYONE.  It's a red flag.

[Merrilsilverste]

3 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Can I ask how old you guys are for context?

I can only speak for myself, but if my girlfriend was not happy to let anyone know I was her boyfriend—like, if she purposely withheld this, as he’s doing—I wouldn’t really care what her motives were because I’d know her idea of a relationship and mine didn’t line up. 

He's 27. Im 22. She's 31

[Merrilsilverste]

2 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

If a MAN wants what he has he will stand up to anyone who asks.  He doesn't hide his partner from ANYONE.  It's a red flag.

But he doesnt like her?

[bluecastle]

So, let me get this straight: 

Your boyfriend had been pressing this woman to hookup with him, but she said no because what she wanted was a relationship with him, which he was not interested in. 

As that was all going on, he meets you, you guys start hooking up, and at some point (when?) he asks you to be in a committed relationship with him, bf and gf and all that. 

Since then, however, he keeps your relationship a secret from her and repeatedly lies to her when she asks if he's seeing someone. 

That all about right? And you want to know why?

Logic and experience says that he knows what he will lose if he told her he was seeing you: her being into him. Think of that like something he does not want to give up in his daily diet—the thirst and attention nourishes him. He wants to keep that around and have you, without coming out and just saying that, since doing so would make him seem pretty icky.  

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this! I think you're here because it doesn't feel right, or good, and I think you can do a lot better than this dude. Whatever his positive qualities, he's not really showing himself to be a solid peg to hang a hat on. 

[lostandhurt]

This is coming from a man.

Okay I will be as blunt as possible.  Your bf still wants to bang this woman.  He may not like her, he may say he does not like her but he still wants to bang her.  Crude yes but it is the truth.

 It takes little to no effort for him to keep her around "just in case" Just in case you two get into a fight and break up even briefly, Just in case she gets drunk one night and wants to hook up, Just in case he  can somehow turn her into a side chick.

 This other woman is being honorable, your bf is clearly not.

Why on earth do you want to stay with a man that hides you or your relationship from anyone?

Do you think so little of yourself that this is all you think you deserve?

He is wrong and disrespectful, she is trying to do the right thing and you need to dump him.

Lost

[Merrilsilverste]

16 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

So, let me get this straight: 

Your boyfriend had been pressing this woman to hookup with him, but she said no because what she wanted was a relationship with him, which he was not interested in. 

As that was all going on, he meets you, you guys start hooking up, and at some point (when?) he asks you to be in a committed relationship with him, bf and gf and all that. 

Since then, however, he keeps your relationship a secret from her and repeatedly lies to her when she asks if he's seeing someone. 

That all about right? And you want to know why?

Logic and experience says that he knows what he will lose if he told her he was seeing you: her being into him. Think of that like something he does not want to give up in his daily diet—the thirst and attention nourishes him. He wants to keep that around and have you, without coming out and just saying that, since doing so would make him seem pretty icky.  

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this! I think you're here because it doesn't feel right, or good, and I think you can do a lot better than this dude. Whatever his positive qualities, he's not really showing himself to be a solid peg to hang a hat on. 

They don't even meet each other much and she wants to stop talking as she's already suspicious 

[Merrilsilverste]

4 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This is coming from a man.

Okay I will be as blunt as possible.  Your bf still wants to bang this woman.  He may not like her, he may say he does not like her but he still wants to bang her.  Crude yes but it is the truth.

 It takes little to no effort for him to keep her around "just in case" Just in case you two get into a fight and break up even briefly, Just in case she gets drunk one night and wants to hook up, Just in case he  can somehow turn her into a side chick.

 This other woman is being honorable, your bf is clearly not.

Why on earth do you want to stay with a man that hides you or your relationship from anyone?

Do you think so little of yourself that this is all you think you deserve?

He is wrong and disrespectful, she is trying to do the right thing and you need to dump him.

Lost

He knows she likes and cares for him but he won't be with her. Instead he's with me. She got really suspicious and kept asking him if he's with someone and if he is then she will back off but he never gave her a straight reply.

[bluecastle]

It's understandable that you don't want to hear what people are saying. 

Putting analysis aside, let's look at some facts this way: 

You have learned that your boyfriend will easily lie to people. You have learned that your boyfriend will keep your relationship a secret from women he knows are into him. 

Now, let's imagine you and I met up before you knew this man existed and you painted me a picture of the sort of boyfriend you wanted to meet some day. Were the above facts part of that picture? 

[Batya33]

The only reason he is still in contact with her is because he hopes someday she'll settle for just a hook up with him.  And when that time comes -he hopes- he may not be with you anymore and/or you two might have had some argument etc -this way if she doesn't know about you there's less info he has to share with her and less risk he will jeopardize his chances of her not wanting to hook up with him.

He's a shady character -I'd cut my losses and move on.

Edited to add. I agree totally with what Lost and Bluecastle wrote and I used "shady" before reading Lost's comments.  See?

[lostandhurt]

I don't think you read my reply or only read the parts that fit what you want to believe about your bf.

I agree he doesn't want to be with her as in a relationship but he clearly likes the attention and wants to have sex with her.  He doesn't need a relationship for that, he just needs opportunity.

I am sorry your bf is shady but until you are willing to accept that he is in fact shady nothing we can say will help.

 Lost

[Kwothe28]

15 minutes ago, Merrilsilverste said:

He knows she likes and cares for him but he won't be with her. Instead he's with me. She got really suspicious and kept asking him if he's with someone and if he is then she will back off but he never gave her a straight reply.

So why arent you blaming him instead of living on "copium" how he is with you? When its pretty clear he is an issue here and that he wont tell her you are his girlfriend?

Also, you know why he wont tell her, others told you too. But again, copium is strong within you.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Merrilsilverste said:

Why would a guy never give a straight reply to if he's seeing someone or dating someone to 1 specific girl?

That's not the real question though -it's "why would a person not be willing to tell a person who wants a relationship with him, and who they want to hook up with, that they are now in a committed relationship?"

I think it's fine to say "it's my personal business" if the specific person asking is a nosy colleague at work "are you dating anyone?" and revealing that information will lead to unwelcome intrusive questions but that's a rare exception.

People who want to be with their partners are happy to let anyone and everyone know they're "taken" when asked. 

The other answer to your question is -because he chooses to.  And most people move towards pleasure and away from pain.  It benefits him more to be cagey with the woman who might agree to hook up with him someday than it causes him pain to have to skirt the issue with you when you inquire as to whether he is hanging out with a woman who wants to be with him and likely should be informed to stop barking up that tree.

[spinstermanquee]

Question:  the title of this post is "fwb and the girl"

Are you FWB with this guy?

[HeartGoesOn]

No offense but when he gets tired of you. he'll chew you up and spit you out until the next opportunity comes along.

You already know the answer, yet it won't sink in until you learn that the truth was within your reach.

Raise the bar...

[MissCanuck]

How do you know all of this, OP?

Does he tell you? 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Merrilsilverste said:

 she is suspicious about us.

Do you know her? You seem to know a lot about their conversations. You mentioned she doesn't want to hook up with your BF, but he wants to hook up with her. Do you monitor his phone? 

[Merrilsilverste]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you know her? You seem to know a lot about their conversations. You mentioned she doesn't want to hook up with your BF, but he wants to hook up with her. Do you monitor his phone? 

I spied in them