You fall in love with someone who you never expected to fall for. Is it still real love?

[girlygroove]

I like to self-analyze. Even with a lack of experience (which is where I am right now), it's still wise to think about what your needs and wants are in a relationship.

How do I want to feel with him?
What's his personality type?
What's our day-to-day like?
How do I want him to handle his emotions when he's angry? When he's sad?
What flaws can I put up with?

So what happens when you fall in love with someone who is not what you imagined?

His personality is different--but you still love it.
You feel great with him--just in a different way than you expected.
He has other flaws, and they're hard to deal with, but so far, it's okay.

Thing is, I don't feel like I'm settling. I feel like I'm being taught by experience as it takes place of my expectations.

But then I worry/overthink. What if my original heart's desire is really where I'm supposed to be, and I'm misleading myself?

Warm, genuine insight welcomed.

[lostandhurt]

You nailed it when you said expectations.

 Expectations can ruin the most beautiful or amazing experiences just by having them.

 Of course there are dealbreakers you need to have but other than that an open mind and heart are just as important.

 If you go on vacation and you have built the place up in your mind to be super awesome but when you get there it is just awesome you find yourself sad because it isn't what you expected but if you went with an open mind just wanting to have fun, explore and experience new things and people you would absolutely love the whole vacation.

 Was your hearts desire real or was it an imagined fantasy?  Living up to a fantasy is impossible.

 If you don't ignore red flags, keep your eyes and ears open and pay attention to what is going on instead of only focusing on what you want or hope it is you will be fine.

 It takes time to figure out what you want in a partner and that changes as you mature and age. The most important thing I can tell you is all relationships have compromises but if these flaws you speak of go against your core beliefs then there is a problem. 

 Lost

[MissCanuck]

32 minutes ago, girlygroove said:

You feel great with him--just in a different way than you expected.

What does this mean, exactly? How do you feel differently than you expected?

33 minutes ago, girlygroove said:

He has other flaws, and they're hard to deal with, but so far, it's okay.

What are these flaws?

I think it is possible to love someone who is not your typical "type", but I am not sure if you're trying to convince yourself to stay with someone you don't really have strong feelings for or comes with some red flags.

What are you really asking? 

[Batya33]

The answer is feelings aren’t facts. So to me deciding whether a relationship has long term potential is a combo of head and heart. Love is not enough. So it’s totally normal to fall for someone you never expected to fall for.
And separately you might decide that person isn’t suitable for the long term. Maybe different lifestyle goals, religious differences, whether to have kids. 

Love and passion and chemistry - friendship caught on fire - to me are essential - and work great for a short term fling. But not enough for the long term.  

[Cherylyn]

As long as you are happy with him,  nothing else matters.  Don't over analyze.  Accept your happiness with him and if all is well,  all is well.  🙂

[Kwothe28]

I dont get it. Because I dont know if you are talking about 

a) some "bad boy" you fell in love

b) somebody who you date and match nicely but find some flaws in him

From what you described(different personality, different way of "great"(I am guessing you mean physical attraction), hard to deal flaws, you are describing "a)" who you in a typical way think you can "tame". If its that, you better run. Its not worth of trouble.

We dont always get what we want. But we should at least strive to achieve high rate of it. I think its nice that you are asking questions and think they are good questions. But again, not sure he fits into your standard. For example some different personalities match good. If one of them is more passive and other is more active, provided they have similar goals, active one can "push" more passive one to be more active. While "passive" can maybe get the active one to hit brakes once in a while. But his is still different than you imagined. And flaws that are hard to deal? That is a red flag and a big problem for later. Whether you fell in love or not, those kind of things are something you need to watch out.

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, girlygroove said:

I like to self-analyze. Even with a lack of experience (which is where I am right now), it's still wise to think about what your needs and wants are in a relationship.

How do I want to feel with him?
What's his personality type?
What's our day-to-day like?
How do I want him to handle his emotions when he's angry? When he's sad?
What flaws can I put up with?

So what happens when you fall in love with someone who is not what you imagined?

His personality is different--but you still love it.
You feel great with him--just in a different way than you expected.
He has other flaws, and they're hard to deal with, but so far, it's okay.

Thing is, I don't feel like I'm settling. I feel like I'm being taught by experience as it takes place of my expectations.

But then I worry/overthink. What if my original heart's desire is really where I'm supposed to be, and I'm misleading myself?

Warm, genuine insight welcomed.

It really depends on your tolerance level or lack thereof. 

If your daily life is fine and if he's ok as are you,  then it's fine for both of you. 

When he's angry and sad,  if his emotions and behaviors are fine with you, then there isn't a problem.  You can handle it. 

Are his flaws major, minor,  tolerable,  acceptable or do you have misgivings?

Are you willing to lower your expectations or do you want more in a man?   It's your choice.

[catfeeder]

It might be helpful to think of it like a picture and a frame. It's okay to design a framework for your vision of a future with a partner such sharing basic values like honesty, work ethic, treatment of others, and other big stuff, like whether you both match on seeking a committed relationship with someone and whether your goals match for wanting to have a family someday. Your own private list of the overall crucial stuff is valid and important.

But beyond that, painting a detailed picture of the person you want to fill that frame is more like fantasy-building. Too much of that can keep you living in your own head instead of exploring the real world and the people in it.

I'm glad to hear you've found simpatico with someone who surprises you. EnjOy!

[smackie9]

It's called risk. You get emotionally and intimately involved with someone there is always a risk of it not working out for whatever reason. We date for the experience and to gather data. Lessons will be learned. Your expectations evolve from the experience of what is right or wrong for you, your deal breakers, and things you are willing to compromise on. You can't fear every choice you make, and you can't expect much from it unless you are willing to take risks. Its a crap shoot, so just enjoy the journey, just don't let it break you. 

[Kenny818]

On 4/17/2023 at 2:27 AM, Cherylyn said:

As long as you are happy with him,  nothing else matters.  Don't over analyze.  Accept your happiness with him and if all is well,  all is well.  🙂

This is good advice.  I myself have a problem with over analyzing everything, including relationships which can lead to what appears to be indecisiveness.

But sometimes the risk has to be taken and you can regret not taking it later.

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, Kenny818 said:

This is good advice.  I myself have a problem with over analyzing everything, including relationships which can lead to what appears to be indecisiveness.

But sometimes the risk has to be taken and you can regret not taking it later.

I agree @Kenny818  Sometimes when you dissect and over analyze despite being already happy, it's as if you're trying to create problems which would otherwise not exist.  Just enjoy the ride.  Treat problems as they arise,  not the other way around. 

[Kenny818]

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I agree @Kenny818  Sometimes when you dissect and over analyze despite being already happy, it's as if you're trying to create problems which would otherwise not exist.  Just enjoy the ride.  Treat problems as they arise,  not the other way around. 

Here's one example from my life:

Years back, I had a job at a hospital and I met a nice girl at the hospital foodcourt/canteen.  Anyways, we kind of clicked and I texted her a few days later for a date.  Now the thing was that she used a wheelchair to get around (she couldn't move her legs but was otherwise normal).  I now wondered about a lot of things, like if friends and family would think I was strange for dating someone in a wheelchair, if there would be things we couldn't do together, etc.

I actually did enjoy spending time with her when we were together, but when we weren't I was overanalyzing it.  Not to beat a dead horse, but I think after a while she did somewhat pick up on the vibe and decided it wasn't going to work out.

Now maybe down the road it would have turned out that we didn't have similar interests or something, but had I not been worried about what people thought of me, at least I wouldn't have appeared to be a jerk.

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, Kenny818 said:

Here's one example from my life:

Years back, I had a job at a hospital and I met a nice girl at the hospital foodcourt/canteen.  Anyways, we kind of clicked and I texted her a few days later for a date.  Now the thing was that she used a wheelchair to get around (she couldn't move her legs but was otherwise normal).  I now wondered about a lot of things, like if friends and family would think I was strange for dating someone in a wheelchair, if there would be things we couldn't do together, etc.

I actually did enjoy spending time with her when we were together, but when we weren't I was overanalyzing it.  Not to beat a dead horse, but I think after a while she did somewhat pick up on the vibe and decided it wasn't going to work out.

Now maybe down the road it would have turned out that we didn't have similar interests or something, but had I not been worried about what people thought of me, at least I wouldn't have appeared to be a jerk.

@Kenny818 I agree with you,  you were too worried about what others thought of you for dating someone in a wheelchair.  However,  you didn't appear to be a jerk.  Not at all.  All you can do is learn from this experience and in the future,  go your own way regardless of what others think.  It's your life and don't allow them to live it for you. 

[Batya33]

13 hours ago, Kenny818 said:

Here's one example from my life:

Years back, I had a job at a hospital and I met a nice girl at the hospital foodcourt/canteen.  Anyways, we kind of clicked and I texted her a few days later for a date.  Now the thing was that she used a wheelchair to get around (she couldn't move her legs but was otherwise normal).  I now wondered about a lot of things, like if friends and family would think I was strange for dating someone in a wheelchair, if there would be things we couldn't do together, etc.

I actually did enjoy spending time with her when we were together, but when we weren't I was overanalyzing it.  Not to beat a dead horse, but I think after a while she did somewhat pick up on the vibe and decided it wasn't going to work out.

Now maybe down the road it would have turned out that we didn't have similar interests or something, but had I not been worried about what people thought of me, at least I wouldn't have appeared to be a jerk.

I understand this.  Back then one of your priorities was to be with someone who could do things that someone without that mobility couldn't, and another was to feel accepted by your friends and family (which some might say should not be a priority but we're human).  Her priority likely was to be with someone who accepted her as she was. 

Over my 24 years of dating I declined to meet someone for a first meet who told me he used a wheelchair, and I declined a second date with a man who didn't tell me before the date that half his face was significantly disfigured and paralyzed from an accident and after multiple surgeries. 

 

On the other hand I have friends who always wanted a child but married someone who didn't and had to live with that, another who wanted no more children after his 4 kids but fell in love with a woman who wouldn't continue dating him unless he agree to have more kids (he did/they did), and another who married someone from an entirely different culture which he agonized over while they were dating then accepted it.  I'm sure none of those envisioned that sort of marriage. 

Another friend was in a horribe car accident right after getting engaged and basically couldn't/can't walk and had a host of other disabilities/conditions and was in her late 30s. They married and had a child.  Were married for around a dozen years then divorced.  But I would have understood if he walked away as they'd only been dating a couple of months when they got engaged.  I'm sure he never envisioned falling for someone/committing to someone with that situation.

Timing matters too -using a wheelchair might be a nonissue for a senior citizen looking for marriage or a 20 something who can't envision wanting to do physical activities involving legs.

[boltnrun]

In the end it doesn't really matter why you choose not to continue dating someone. It's better to realize this and end it honestly than to carry on because you think you "should".

I would like to know more about this. How can something be both really hard to deal with and okay?

On 4/16/2023 at 10:25 AM, girlygroove said:

He has other flaws, and they're hard to deal with, but so far, it's okay.

 

[Kenny818]

On 4/19/2023 at 7:11 PM, Batya33 said:

I understand this.  Back then one of your priorities was to be with someone who could do things that someone without that mobility couldn't, and another was to feel accepted by your friends and family (which some might say should not be a priority but we're human).  Her priority likely was to be with someone who accepted her as she was. 

Yeah, when I look at it that way, I guess it doesn't seem bad.  I mean she was actually pretty slim and fit, and able to do most things, and even do a lot of outdoor stuff.  She just had to do them in a different way that sometimes required more planning.

At one point she asked me of the wheelchair was a dealbreaker going forward and I told her "no," but in my mind at the time, it was "No, but..."  

Still, I couldn't help but feel a bit bad when we slowly drifted apart.

[girlygroove]

On 4/16/2023 at 12:59 PM, MissCanuck said:

What does this mean, exactly? How do you feel differently than you expected?

Sometimes I feel like the feelings of "love" come in different flavors. The love I imagined in my head, emotionally, I imagined it would feel deep/spiritual/transcendent. Hard to explain, but I hope you understand what I'm getting at. The one I'm feeling, instead, lights up my mind, makes me energetic and feel free, yet still catches my heart deeply. 

But don't misunderstand me. I don't mean this one is a "lighter" love, like a throwaway fling. I'm very much in love with him, but just in a different way.

On 4/16/2023 at 12:59 PM, MissCanuck said:

What are these flaws?

He readily admits it's hard for him to connect to his feelings. He processes things logically and loves thinking/talking things out on the mental plane, but struggles to just feel and articulate that. Yet, he's not unempathetic to me or others. It might not even be a flaw, at least right now, but a personality difference.

[girlygroove]

On 4/16/2023 at 3:12 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I dont get it. Because I dont know if you are talking about...

Nope, not a bad boy. I gave an example above of what I mean. He's much more logical and struggles to connect to his feelings while I can do both, and tend to come at things emotionally first.

Again, before I started dating, I imagined I would need a man who's in tune with his emotions, can express them without drowning in them, etc. But I know with any partner, we're buying their flaws too. This is not the "flaw" I expected to buy, but so far, it hasn't been so unsatisfying as I thought it would be. But I am a notorious overthinker, thus my post. 😅

[girlygroove]

On 4/19/2023 at 10:51 AM, boltnrun said:

I would like to know more about this. How can something be both really hard to deal with and okay?

I'm primarily talking about his very pro-logical, anti-emotional brain.

Hard to deal with because it's new for me, but it's also not a strain on me. I'm just relating to someone on a level I never had to before. And he's said himself that over his years of dating, he's learned he needs to be more cognizant of other people's emotions and offer empathy, try to feel his feelings more. So it helps he's aware and actively working on it.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, girlygroove said:

Nope, not a bad boy. I gave an example above of what I mean. He's much more logical and struggles to connect to his feelings while I can do both, and tend to come at things emotionally first.

Again, before I started dating, I imagined I would need a man who's in tune with his emotions, can express them without drowning in them, etc. But I know with any partner, we're buying their flaws too. This is not the "flaw" I expected to buy, but so far, it hasn't been so unsatisfying as I thought it would be. But I am a notorious overthinker, thus my post. 😅

To me loving as a feeling is less important to the success of a relationship than loving as giving.  Loving feelings are not enough to sustain a healthy long term relationship. Tendency to overthink can happen.  The problem is overthinking in order to rationalize settling. 

[Batya33]

Just now, girlygroove said:

I'm primarily talking about his very pro-logical, anti-emotional brain.

Hard to deal with because it's new for me, but it's also not a strain on me. I'm just relating to someone on a level I never had to before. And he's said himself that over his years of dating, he's learned he needs to be more cognizant of other people's emotions and offer empathy, try to feel his feelings more. So it helps he's aware and actively working on it.

My other go to -date people not projects.  If you accept him as he is now that's great.  As he is right now he is a person who is not going to show you he cares in words or show empathy when needed - I don't think a person can "try to feel feeling more." Feelings are feelings.  You feel them or you don't.  It's nice he wants to be more giving to people.  

[girlygroove]

This opens a new conversation, then. We know we should date people, not projects. Yet, everyone has flaws, and when we choose to be in a relationship with someone, we're also choosing to be in a relationship with their shortcomings. 

What are the flaws we should accept that comes with loving another person...vs the flaws that are dealbreakers?

[Batya33]

Just now, girlygroove said:

This opens a new conversation, then. We know we should date people, not projects. Yet, everyone has flaws, and when we choose to be in a relationship with someone, we're also choosing to be in a relationship with their shortcomings. 

What are the flaws we should accept that comes with loving another person...vs the flaws that are dealbreakers?

You have to act consistently with your values and standards.  Dismissing it as no one is perfect is unproductive.  Obviously that's true.  You decide what the dealbreakers are and what is ok with you even if it's not your favorite.  Some people like dating projects because it's challenging and they like the excitement of winning someone over or acting like the "hero" and being the person to "help".  

Some flaws I could not live with over the years in no particular order - bad grammar, not intellectually curious, smoker/excessive drinker, not ambitious, very insecure/acting like a doormat, short tempered, selfish as far as being involved in volunteer work/charities, narrow-minded.

[girlygroove]

28 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You have to act consistently with your values and standards.  Dismissing it as no one is perfect is unproductive.  Obviously that's true.  You decide what the dealbreakers are and what is ok with you even if it's not your favorite.  Some people like dating projects because it's challenging and they like the excitement of winning someone over or acting like the "hero" and being the person to "help".  

Some flaws I could not live with over the years in no particular order - bad grammar, not intellectually curious, smoker/excessive drinker, not ambitious, very insecure/acting like a doormat, short tempered, selfish as far as being involved in volunteer work/charities, narrow-minded.

What about the flaws were you willing to deal with then?

At this point, I'm not looking for advice. It's an interesting interpersonal question I'm fascinated to hear everyone's answers on. 😄

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, girlygroove said:

What about the flaws were you willing to deal with then?

At this point, I'm not looking for advice. It's an interesting interpersonal question I'm fascinated to hear everyone's answers on. 😄

Everyone will have different answers.  I don't think it's that fascinating because it's so individual.  I'm going to mention things that others have labeled as flaws but I don't particularly see them that way.  When I was dating height in a man was considered a flaw if he was short but wasn't a flaw to me.  I was fine with someone who didn't keep a neat home, who  made less $ than me, who wasn't athletic.  Not flaws to me but seen as such from what I have seen.  

I made compromises though -I moved 800 miles away from my home city I'd lived in for 43 years, I solo parented a whole lot more than I wanted to so my husband could travel for business and care for his aging parents, I agreed to relocate again as needed for his career (so far not, might happen).