Crushing while in a relationship

[Hiiiiithere]

Hi, I have been in a relationship for 1,5 years now. Even tho i have horrible intrusions sometimes, I really love him so much and I want to have a future with him.

 

So here is the thing, I have a crush for like 2 years or something, sometimes i think about him a lot and then I don´t think about him at all for a while. He is a friend of my stepbrother and he sometimes joins the company. I think he is cute and smart but I never really felt the need to kiss him or be with him a lot of times. Just eye candy and a nice person to be around with. 

 

I don't see him that often, but I saw him the other day. I didn't get like tingles or the feeling as if I'm in love. But I have been overanalyzing my relationship and feelings and everything lately. I started to feel guilty to my boyfriend for thinking about him a lot. Even though I don't necessarily want him or want to replace my boyfriend with that guy. I feel bad that he is on my mind.

 

I started telling myself that these are just thoughts and doesn't mean i'm in love, but it kinda feels like i am because he pops up in my mind too often. I really can't tell, but what i can tell is that I really really love my boyfriend and i don't see anyone come in between that. I already told my boyfriend once that I liked him but he was no threat to our relationship. I also told him that I sometimes doubt if I have feelings or not. Not the best idea to tell him but I have an issue with confession compulsions. I don´t want to tell my boyfriend because i am not even sure if i am in love or its just innocent and my anxiety says i am so i have to feel guilty. I feel like i should be honest but i don´t want to hurt him while not having intentions to leave him or to cheat, i want to go on with my life with my boyfriend. 

 

Now I feel stressed because I have a party with my boyfriend and my crush at the same time on Saturday. I am not afraid to get cheating intrusions, or to cheat in general. But it just makes me nervous and i don't want to trigger any guilt feelings about liking him that much. I am so dedicated to my boyfriend and i don't want anyone else. I feel so bad I wanna cry all day and I can eat myself out of guilt! Can someone give me advice, i will seek a therapist but that will take a while.

[boltnrun]

When I get an intrusive thought I literally tell myself "That is an intrusive thought. It has no basis in reality." 

And yes, please pursue therapy. There's no need for you to torture yourself. A therapist can help with that.

[Skyscrappers]

Just because you are in a relationship or even married does not mean you will only be attracted to your partner. There will always be someone more prettier or more handsome, smarter and the list goes on.

You will get attracted to people but acting on it is where you have to say NO to yourself. Because you love and respect your partner. 

I used to be like that, i feel guilty being attracted to some other people while being in relationship it messed with my head alot. But after reading alot and talking to other people i realised i am not alone. 

What is making this a problem is the fact that you are fighting it or denying it. Dont do that. Accept the fact but make a decision not to act on the feelings 

[Hiiiiithere]

17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

When I get an intrusive thought I literally tell myself "That is an intrusive thought. It has no basis in reality." 

And yes, please pursue therapy. There's no need for you to torture yourself. A therapist can help with that.

Yeah i learned a lot about intrusive thoughts but i still don´t have a way to cope with all those kinda thoughts i have. If i try imagining how it would be if i would go with my crush i will feel extreme guilt as if i am cheating. I am not even seeking contact or social media stalk him i was just living my life and thinking he is cute and now my brain makes me crazy guilty for having feelings without wanting to act on them 😞

 

I hope i can get a therapist very soon im working on it!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hiiiiithere said:

. I feel so bad I wanna cry all day and I can eat myself out of guilt! 

While waiting for an appointment, see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done.

Unfortunately besides obsessions, guilt and intrusive thoughts, you're having a lot of physical and extensive symptoms.

While it may be as simple as anxiety or depression, it's best to be evaluated. Also ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Perhaps if you are referred, considering the extent of severe symptoms for a non-issue (finding someone attractive), you could start getting help sooner.

[Batya33]

I agree with the advice you received.  Please do not tell your bf -that will hurt him unnecessarily and will be for your needs to unburden your "guilt" - your "issue with confessions compulsions" simply means you have to find tools to prevent acting on them. Would you like it if your boyfriend blurted out something hurtful and dismissed at his "confession compulsion?" If you love him show this by giving him respect and having a filter that avoids unnecessarily hurting him.  

[Hiiiiithere]

41 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I agree with the advice you received.  Please do not tell your bf -that will hurt him unnecessarily and will be for your needs to unburden your "guilt" - your "issue with confessions compulsions" simply means you have to find tools to prevent acting on them. Would you like it if your boyfriend blurted out something hurtful and dismissed at his "confession compulsion?" If you love him show this by giving him respect and having a filter that avoids unnecessarily hurting him.  

You are absolutely right, i am hurting him without the intention to. And i would´nt like to hear the same. My brain says to me that he should know what a monster i am but eventually it makes me feel worse knowing i said something he didn´t want to hear. 

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like you are infatuated with this guy.  He looks like eye candy but you need to think of what is more precious and priceless which is what your boyfriend gives you.  He is giving you his heart and soul.  This eye candy guy will do absolutely nothing for you.  

When you learn to be grateful for your boyfriend,  your stepbrother's friend will just become a "meh" guy or someone you'll say "hello" to and nothing more.  Make that a habit.

As for honesty and transparency,  exercise discretion.  Treat others the way you would want to be treated.  Would you want to know if your boyfriend was crushing on another woman and somehow conflicted?  How would you feel?  Would you feel hurt or angry or both?   It is hurtful for your boyfriend to hear this unpleasant information from you.  When it comes to certain thoughts in your head,  it's best to keep them to yourself otherwise you'll risk an unnecessary heated argument with your boyfriend and do you want that?  Are you asking for a fight?  You're skating on thin ice.  If you continue "being honest" to a fault with your boyfriend,  it could sorely backfire and there's a strong possibility that you will push him away permanently.  Are you trying to alienate him?  If you keep testing how much he will tolerate,   one day he'll tell you to go be with your stepbrother's friend to your heart's content.  Your boyfriend will exit his relationship with you.  Don't take that bad gamble and foolhardy risk.   Be smart.  Don't say anything you'll regret because there's no recovery despite latter apologies or remorse.  Once certain people exit your life,  they won't come back.  They're gone forever. 

When you see this guy at the party,  just say "hello" and focus on who is important in your life:  your boyfriend of 1.5 years.  I see attractive men in my midst and I'm rather "blah" around them.  If I know them, I'll wave "hello" or say "hello" and that's it.  I'm simply not interested and go about my own business.   

I have my husband,  my real gem,  my real prince and he's "thee one." 😊 All other guys?  "Meh."  🙄  Not interested in the least.  I have my husband and sons.  My life is fulfilled and I'm incredibly blessed. 🙂 🧡

Practice being loyal and devoted to your boyfriend and the other guy will just merely become wallpaper in your mind.  Don't make your stepbrother's friend a big deal because he is not.  He'll never give you what your boyfriend is giving you which is himself.  If you want your boyfriend for life,  then act like it.  You will be fine. 

You will grow tired of the other guy.  He is nothing special nor does he belong on a pedestal.  He's nobody and should be treated as such in your mind.  With practice,  he will become a blur even should your paths cross.  Have a "blah" attitude for your stepbrother's friend.  It works.

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

OP I'll share an anecdote.  My friend met her husband as teenagers in the early 1980s.  He was so handsome and she is so very pretty and with a heart of gold.  There was the son of a family friend who was around the same age, handsome and his family was wealthy and he was on a similar path and also very charming.  They'd never dated but I think she always had a mild crush on him.  After 3 years of dating seriously my friend's bf wanted to propose.  They'd discussed getting engaged, married, having a family eventually. It wasn't a shock that he was ready to propose!

The family friend's son somehow approached my friend -likely told her he was into her, attracted to her, wanted to be with her.  For one weekend my friend was very conflicted and yes she told her bf.  He said - if you want to be with him, be with him, we will break up but you have to decide who you want to be with.  For a weekend she agonized.  From all I remember she never even kissed this man -nothing.  He just told her how he felt.

After the weekend she strengthened her resolve and love and commitment to her future husband.  She told me she realized basically that her family friend was maybe "flashier" or even "more successful" but really -she loved her bf, she wanted to be with him.  He accepted this and remained committed to and in love with her.

They've now been married almost 36 years.  The entire time they've seemed very much in love with each other and even though she and I haven't had a deep discussion in many years when we did this was true.  Her facebook posts seem happy and happily married.  She obviously made the right choice despite her crush (yes he is such a good person, so good to her, a great husband and dad).

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Hiiiiithere said:

I already told my boyfriend once that I liked him but he was no threat to our relationship. I also told him that I sometimes doubt if I have feelings or not.

This is the part I would be a lot more concerned about. 

It's one thing to have a crush. They come and go, even when we are in relationships. It's another thing when you aren't sure if you have feelings for your partner. 

A crush will fade if you don't feed it. But the issue of a lack of feelings for your partner is something to pay attention to. How long have you felt that way? 

[Hiiiiithere]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

This is the part I would be a lot more concerned about. 

It's one thing to have a crush. They come and go, even when we are in relationships. It's another thing when you aren't sure if you have feelings for your partner. 

A crush will fade if you don't feed it. But the issue of a lack of feelings for your partner is something to pay attention to. How long have you felt that way? 

I meant saying i have doubt if i have genuine feelings for my crush, or that i just find him very attractive?  It was not about my boyfriend. My thought were going crazy but whatever i think, i am not seeking contact with this guy, when i see him i am just friendly but nothing extra, I´m sure i have feelings for my boyfriend. I truly love him and i am so grateful for him and i don´t want someone else. I am going to do my very best to make a change about my compulsions, i am so loyal and sure about my boyfriend that every little or big thing makes me feel nervous and guilty.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you are a monster. After all you feel guilty about it, have a concience and didnt nore plan to do anything about your crush. It shows that you are generally a good person with good morals.

However, I do find worrying that you have thoughts like that. For 2 years even when you are in a relationship with somebody else for 1,5 years. People who are in a commited relationship can have thoughts like that. How somebody is beautiful and how they would maybe be a good match. However people who are in commited relationship dont obsess over other people for 2 years. Which makes me think you are either young and maybe want to experience more. Or that something is lacking in your own relationship when you have eyes for somebody else. Either way, yes, you should talk to professional about it and see what it is.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Hiiiiithere said:

. I am going to do my very best to make a change about my compulsions. every little or big thing makes me feel nervous and guilty.

Yes, focus on this. You're not a bad person, you just have undiagnosed, untreated mental health issues that can be helped. 

[Hiiiiithere]

14 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I dont think you are a monster. After all you feel guilty about it, have a concience and didnt nore plan to do anything about your crush. It shows that you are generally a good person with good morals.

However, I do find worrying that you have thoughts like that. For 2 years even when you are in a relationship with somebody else for 1,5 years. People who are in a commited relationship can have thoughts like that. How somebody is beautiful and how they would maybe be a good match. However people who are in commited relationship dont obsess over other people for 2 years. Which makes me think you are either young and maybe want to experience more. Or that something is lacking in your own relationship when you have eyes for somebody else. Either way, yes, you should talk to professional about it and see what it is.

Yeah i liked that crush for 2 years but i was not thinking about him that much, just sometimes, but when i saw him the other day i started thinking by myself like what is wrong with me for thinking about him for so often? I had a period of time that i didn´t feel guilty about everything. But since i do i made this an obsession, i wasn´t thinking about the guy everyday but now i do because of the guilt, not that i have crazy desire to be with him. 

 

Thanks for saying i am a good person but i hope to see it that way myself one day.

[boltnrun]

What is the delay in scheduling a therapy appointment?

[Hiiiiithere]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

What is the delay in scheduling a therapy appointment?

Sometimes i was doing so good thinking i don´t need therapy. But i have been realizing i really need it to move forward. I made an appointment with the health care specialist at the GP office next friday. But before i can start therapy i need help with quitting my cannabis addiction. I smoke 2/3 joints everyday and it can have an impact on my mental health so i should stop but it is harder to say than to do. 

So it can take a while before i can really have a therapist because a lot of them want you to quit smoking first before starting. I think i need help for my addiction first before i can get forward and of course i will do my best but i need help with it.

I really need help, the crush is not the biggest problem, i have been experiencing a lot of intrusive thoughts about a lot of things which i feel guilty about but not wanting to act on them. My brain makes me feel guilty for having thoughts even tho i know there a just thought. I keep beating myself up. I also feel a lot of guilt for every little or big mistake i have made, even if they are things i did 4 years ago or when i was a kid. I feel guilty about things i already spoke about with my boyfriend or family. I have accepted a lot from my past at first but now i just ruminate about everything. I feel horrible about myself even though i am such a loyal, caring girlfriend. It is just killing me. 

 

[Hiiiiithere]

I just wanna say, i 100% get that people say like why would you tell those things do you want to hurt him? No i don´t, there is something in me saying that i am not a honest person if i don´t tell my boyfriend about what i think, even if i don´t want to act on the thoughts or intrusions. I also tell him that there is no danger and i just feel really bad as if im a horrible girlfriend for even having some sort of thoughts. But i know i can´t keep going on with some confessions because i don´t want to make him feel bad. I have no intentions hurting him or leaving him. We have so much fun and good moments and i still feel like our relationship can continue but only if i stop confessing and worrying and get mental help because i am afraid that he will break up because he can´t take it anymore. I have to do something to save our relationship because he is just so important to me.

 

The crush has no special place in my heart. I like him a lot but he is no way a danger for my relationship. The confessing a lot of things is the danger. Sometimes he just popped up in my mind, or with songs that make me think of him (a lot of house music makes me think of him, just like a lot of rap music makes me think about my boyfriend or another specific person), or i was thinking hey how is he doing? Nothing like i really want him but *** i am stuck in this relationship. Of course i had intrusions like what if i kissed him but it makes me uncomfortable and i never want to even act on it, i didn´t tell my boyfriend about that specific intrusion and i won´t. No i accepted the fact that i liked him, but now my brain makes me feel very guilty for it and now i think about him a lot while in a big part of our relationship he just popped in my mind and didn´t stick very long. 

 

Sorry if i repeat myself or come across way too stressed out but i am and i need to throw it out somewhere. I am willing to work on myself and my relationship because that is so important to me.

[boltnrun]

Definitely see your doctor.

Cannabis is not physically addictive but it can be psychologically addictive. So be sure to be 100% honest with your doctor. I recommend writing down all the things you need to discuss so you don't forget. 

You aren't a bad person just because you struggle with mental health. Remember that. After all, would you be a "bad person" if you broke your leg or developed skin cancer?

[Hiiiiithere]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Definitely see your doctor.

Cannabis is not physically addictive but it can be psychologically addictive. So be sure to be 100% honest with your doctor. I recommend writing down all the things you need to discuss so you don't forget. 

You aren't a bad person just because you struggle with mental health. Remember that. After all, would you be a "bad person" if you broke your leg or developed skin cancer?

Thanks for the advice, i will sit down and write all the things i need to discuss and be completely honest. 

 

No of course not, i am so hard on myself for everything but i have no intention to hurt people, i am just hurting myself a lot and unintentionally also my boyfriend...

[Batya33]

I think your self medicating drug use is exacerbating your emotional issues.  And it may be physically addictive to you especially if what you’re smoking has other stuff in it or additive’s or whatever.  You’ll have to sort that out. Plus the inhaling of smoke etc. Please take better care of yourself. 

[Cherylyn]

You are playing with fire.  You could very well end up losing both your boyfriend and the crush (despite no intentions) and you'll end up with zero.  Beware. 

[catfeeder]

On 4/14/2023 at 9:50 AM, Hiiiiithere said:

But before i can start therapy i need help with quitting my cannabis addiction.

Who told you this? It sounds like you're inventing unnecessary barriers.

Make the appointment, then allow the therapist to tell you the rules, OR, make an appointment with someone who accepts cannabis users.

Don't weave a web of complexity to prevent yourself from getting help.

[Jaunty]

Maybe pot is not agreeing with you very well - seems like you are spinning in your own head more than living your life.  In any case, yes, get the therapy appointment and get busy.