Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings

[swilliams]

9 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yeah, he probably thought calling you "sexy" was a great compliment and was enough to keep you giving him sex 🙄

I'm glad you decided to stop seeing him.

Right 🫠🫠🫠

 

when essentially he admitted in those texts I shared that he uses me not to be alone lol

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

Thanks 🥹😭 hurts but glad I POSted here to know what to do

I'm sorry you're hurt and disappointed! It seems like you needed more confirmation from him and - you got it, sigh.  As far as being alone it sounds pretty alone and lonely to me to have sex with someone you wish wanted to be in a relationship with you and wanted to date you.  During the time he is inside of you or while being sexual you might temporarily feel "together" with him as you will be physically together but that is temporary. 

How is it that you are alone? Do you think you're alone unless you're having sex with someone? Do you have friends, acuqaintances, family? 

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Right 🫠🫠🫠

 

when essentially he admitted in those texts I shared that he uses me not to be alone lol

He's not using you and you are not using him.  The two of you agreed to meet up and have sex when you felt like it, you did and you like it so much you said above you might keep seeing him for the good sex.  There's no "admission" needed.  You admitted to yourself that you wanted him to want to date you with potential for a relationship.  Once you were honest with yourself you realized that the current arrangement likely was no longer right for you.  

[Tinydance]

11 hours ago, swilliams said:

Yeah not gonna lie it made me feel like him saying he isn’t ready yet means there could be a chance?

 

he did say it takes him 3 months usually before becoming exclusive its only been 1.5 months 

This is a very typical excuse that people who just want FWB give. It's very common. They know that if they just tell you they're not into you, you'll most likely end the FWB. So they come up with different reasons: "Sorry I'm not over my ex", "Sorry I'm not ready", "I'm taking things slow", "I'm not looking for a relationship right now". A very telling example is they say they're not looking for a relationship but then all of a sudden they get into a relationship, with someone else.

I was actually talking about this episode of the TV series How I Met Your Mother where some of the characters were keeping someone "on the hook" or they were being kept on the hook. The way they would do it is if they'd say: "I'm sorry I can't be with you, right now". Lily had this ex-boyfriend Scooter who was obsessed with her and she wasn't letting him off the hook. So Marshall was making her practice on a really cute teacup pig to practice rejecting Scooter lol

I found the video clip on You Tube, it's very eye opening lol

https://youtu.be/fhL8rBt8Y1A

https://youtu.be/wv5362FRLGI

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

This is a very typical excuse that people who just want FWB give. It's very common. They know that if they just tell you they're not into you, you'll most likely end the FWB. So they come up with different reasons: "Sorry I'm not over my ex", "Sorry I'm not ready", "I'm taking things slow", "I'm not looking for a relationship right now". A very telling example is they say they're not looking for a relationship but then all of a sudden they get into a relationship, with someone else.

I was actually talking about this episode of the TV series How I Met Your Mother where some of the characters were keeping someone "on the hook" or they were being kept on the hook. The way they would do it is if they'd say: "I'm sorryI can't be with you, right now". Lily had this ex-boyfriend Scooter who was obsessed with you and she wasn't letting him off the hook. So Marshall was making her practice on a really cute teacup pig to practice rejecting Scooter lol

I found the video clip on You Tube, it's very eye opening lol

https://youtu.be/fhL8rBt8Y1A

I don't think it matters if that is how he feels, if he is trying to make her feel better, if he is trying to make himself feel better.  He was open from the beginning that he did not want to date or be in a relationship with her. He was open that he wanted to have sex with her.  I think it's asking too much for him to have to keep reconfirming he doesn't want to be with her and because it's a sexual arrangement requiring him to explain why he doesn't want something different from what they agreed to starts to be burdensome.  Rather, the person who decides he or she doesn't want a sexual arrangement anymore should simply say no the next time sex is suggested and if a reason is asked for simply "it's just not the right arrangement for me anymore."  

This was not FWB -that's an overused euphemism and tends to be bad for women who lie to themselves about their hopes out of a sexual arrangement. If they truly were close friends who decided to add sex to the activities they did together she probably would not have needed all this confirmation because good friends already have a foundation of trust and healthy communication.

OP I hope you feel better and I hope you find some good things to do on your own or with others this weekend!!

[swilliams]

18 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you're hurt and disappointed! It seems like you needed more confirmation from him and - you got it, sigh.  As far as being alone it sounds pretty alone and lonely to me to have sex with someone you wish wanted to be in a relationship with you and wanted to date you.  During the time he is inside of you or while being sexual you might temporarily feel "together" with him as you will be physically together but that is temporary. 

How is it that you are alone? Do you think you're alone unless you're having sex with someone? Do you have friends, acuqaintances, family? 

I didn’t post about about being alone that was his words 

[Tinydance]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think it matters if that is how he feels, if he is trying to make her feel better, if he is trying to make himself feel better.  He was open from the beginning that he did not want to date or be in a relationship with her. He was open that he wanted to have sex with her.  I think it's asking too much for him to have to keep reconfirming he doesn't want to be with her and because it's a sexual arrangement requiring him to explain why he doesn't want something different from what they agreed to starts to be burdensome.  Rather, the person who decides he or she doesn't want a sexual arrangement anymore should simply say no the next time sex is suggested and if a reason is asked for simply "it's just not the right arrangement for me anymore."  

This was not FWB -that's an overused euphemism and tends to be bad for women who lie to themselves about their hopes out of a sexual arrangement. If they truly were close friends who decided to add sex to the activities they did together she probably would not have needed all this confirmation because good friends already have a foundation of trust and healthy communication.

OP I hope you feel better and I hope you find some good things to do on your own or with others this weekend!!

No I actually agree with you because the guy has always been upfront that he just wants sex. But I guess people just don't say "I just want sex" because they're worries then the other person will end FWB. I'm not saying he's a bad person but I think he just doesn't want to flat out say that it's just sex for him. Most FWB don't end well because often one person develops feelings. 

[swilliams]

Yes but that’s not what he was doing

says he can’t date

proceeded to treat me like a gf and tell me about HIS feelings for me

he told me he is in the same boat with his feelings 

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

No I actually agree with you because the guy has always been upfront that he just wants sex. But I guess people just don't say "I just want sex" because they're worries then the other person will end FWB. I'm not saying he's a bad person but I think he just doesn't want to flat out say that it's just sex for him. Most FWB don't end well because often one person develops feelings. 

I mean two consenting single adults who get together to have sex probably want to keep having sex.  So they're not going to be blunt and say "I just want sex" in most situations if that's going to kill the mood.  I think that's a far cry from one person saying to another "I want to be your partner/girlfriend/significant other" so the other person will agree to have sex but that person wants a sexual arrangement.  

I don't think the issue usually is developing feelings but one of the people lying to themselves about what they really want and assuming the other person will want that too after having sex.  Yes if a person thinks he'll be ok with casual sex and then realizes he felt emotionally attached after and wants the whole package that also can be a problem.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yes but that’s not what he was doing

says he can’t date

proceeded to treat me like a gf and tell me about HIS feelings for me

he told me he is in the same boat with his feelings 

He was able to treat you like a girlfriend because from the beginning he told you he didn't want to be with you as a boyfriend -there's no "can't" -he chose not to.  That way he could play at being a couple with you cause it's fun and know he'd been open and honest with you and not lead you on.  He's choosing not to act on feelings he might have by dating you- his feelings don't translate into acting on them in that way.  He chooses not to. 

Avoid the selective hearing issue -you were happy to hear when he shared his feelings for you and told yourself he "couldn't" date you - nothing stopped him from dating you. He chose not to.  He did act on his feelings of sexual attraction to you by having sex with you.  You did the same.

Do your very best not to go there with telling yourself he mislead you or used you etc as it will taint your future relationships and dating situations. 

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yes but that’s not what he was doing

says he can’t date

proceeded to treat me like a gf and tell me about HIS feelings for me

he told me he is in the same boat with his feelings 

There's no "like a girlfriend". You're either an official committed couple or you're not. He says you're not. Regardless of what excuses he gave you.

He certainly could date, he just doesn't want to. 

And that is no reflection on you or your worth as an individual. You just chose to attach yourself to the wrong man. That's easily remedied; detach yourself so you can be free and available when the right man comes along. 

[swilliams]

Yeah I’m not innocent I should’ve walked away way sooner .

 

we did have talks about feelings he refused to back off —— and it’s my fault for staying after that. 

[Andrina]

15 minutes ago, swilliams said:

proceeded to treat me like a gf and tell me about HIS feelings for me

It's impossible to be someone's gf when there is no exclusivity. A person who cares won't want you to be a free agent. A person who wants to date with a goal of longterm if there is chemistry and compatibility, seen over a normal amount of time, will state that's his goal.

He stated his goal was FWB and nothing more.

It's a good learning lesson not to read between the lines, and take what a person says at face value. 

Hold out for someone who has the same dating goals. Obviously, it sounds like you're not cut out for FWBs. It's okay to learn these things about yourself so you can  act in your own best interest in the future. I know I learned what worked and what didn't work for me while I was in the dating world. It's called the hard knocks of life, with good times in between.

 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Andrina said:

It's impossible to be someone's gf when there is no exclusivity. A person who cares won't want you to be a free agent. A person who wants to date with a goal of longterm if there is chemistry and compatibility, seen over a normal amount of time, will state that's his goal.

He stated his goal was FWB and nothing more.

It's a good learning lesson not to read between the lines, and take what a person says at face value. 

Hold out for someone who has the same dating goals. Obviously, it sounds like you're not cut out for FWBs. It's okay to learn these things about yourself so you can  act in your own best interest in the future. I know I learned what worked and what didn't work for me while I was in the dating world. It's called the hard knocks of life, with good times in between.

 

 

I know I learned what worked and what didn't work for me while I was in the dating world. It's called the hard knocks of life, with good times in between.

I did as well but I didn't always need to try out the action/activity to know what would work and not.  I took time to think things through and I realized I was likely to get attached through sex so I did not have casual sex.  But yes it's great that now you know that you get attached by having sex and it hurts when the person doesn't feel the same and want to date you. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, swilliams said:

Yeah I’m not innocent I should’ve walked away way sooner .

 

we did have talks about feelings he refused to back off —— and it’s my fault for staying after that. 

OK. That's fine. But now you have all the knowledge you need to stay away.

There's no point in beating yourself up over shoulda coulda. The most important thing is to learn from this experience. You now know it's bad for you to pretend you're OK with casual uncommitted sex when you have feelings for someone. You won't have to go through this again. 

[Jaunty]

6 hours ago, Batya33 said:

 

This was not FWB -that's an overused euphemism and tends to be bad for women who lie to themselves about their hopes out of a sexual arrangement. If they truly were close friends who decided to add sex to the activities they did together she probably would not have needed all this confirmation because good friends already have a foundation of trust and healthy communication.

 

In my experience I don't think that "FWB" usually means "close friends" who decide to have sex together.  It's more like people who are friendly towards each other and also have sex.  Like they hang out at the same pub, have a friend group in common,  talk on the bus, etc.  Basically there is a connection beyond a one night stand.  Really close friends who decide to have sex and still maintain that tight relationship are rare.  

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, swilliams said:

he told me he is in the same boat with his feelings

This is clearly not true. 

If it were, he'd want to do date you, too. Your feelings are not mutual. 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, Jaunty said:

In my experience I don't think that "FWB" usually means "close friends" who decide to have sex together.  It's more like people who are friendly towards each other and also have sex.  Like they hang out at the same pub, have a friend group in common,  talk on the bus, etc.  Basically there is a connection beyond a one night stand.  Really close friends who decide to have sex and still maintain that tight relationship are rare.  

Yes my point is many women who settle for sexual arrangements tell themselves it's FWB as part of an approach to avoid self-honesty.  I think it's a silly eupehmism particularly since the arrangement involves getting naked and having intercourse -if you're willing to do that, I say call it what it is and cut out the coyness/sugar coating.

[Batya33]

I think people who have feelings for other people might choose not to date them for various reasons - I made that choice many times -often a potential dealbreaker for the future, differences in lifestyle that made us incompatible etc. He might have feelings and choose not to act on them and from the beginning he told you he didn't want to date you.  And told you and showed you he did want to have intercourse with you.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, swilliams said:

I’m not seeing him anymore bht I’m not ok

It's good you got things out in the open and perhaps clarity and closure. This way you can enjoy some fond memories and not be confused by his seemingly mixed messages.

Not all guys are as cold, distant and supposedly hurt and damaged. Not all guys only offer up a one-way situation that only works for them.

Hopefully you are no contact and have deleted and blocked him. This way you can reflect in peace and soon you'll realize you dodged a bullet. 

Take your time getting to know someone. It's important to invest rather than gamble. In this case it was gambling because you were hoping it would turn into what it wasn't.

In the future only invest your time, energy and emotions in people who value you and invest in you.

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

In the future only invest your time, energy and emotions in people who value you and invest in you.

Yes great advice and if you are tempted to have a sexual arrangement with someone you don't know well -and you wouldn't know if  the person values you and would invest in you -be bluntly honest with yourself.  It's like so many things -I wanted my special ice cream last night again that I bought for myself as a treat.  But I'd promised myself not to have it two nights in a row. 

Upsides were -yummy short term gratification -downsides were feeling icky about my choice and concern that I'd then make some excuse to have it a third night in a row and so on.  I abstained.  I know there are all sorts of opinions like -well it's different with sex, etc -fine.  Not to me.  It depends how much you love ice cream, how deprived you feel, the proximity of said ice cream and the pull of that yummy short term thrill. 

You're the adult -sometimes you'll have the darn ice cream/sex and deal with the consequences.  In your situation seems like consequences weren't worth it.  But you also might not want to wait to have sex with someone who wants to date you, who values you, who wants to invest in you - that takes time and you want sex with Mr. Hottie now.  And Mr. Hottie is ever more appealing because wow what a challenge -maybe you'll be so good in bed his "I'm not ready for a relationship" will become "um so what kind of diamond would you like hypothetically on an engagement ring??"

 

[swilliams]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you got things out in the open and perhaps clarity and closure. This way you can enjoy some fond memories and not be confused by his seemingly mixed messages.

Not all guys are as cold, distant and supposedly hurt and damaged. Not all guys only offer up a one-way situation that only works for them.

Hopefully you are no contact and have deleted and blocked him. This way you can reflect in peace and soon you'll realize you dodged a bullet. 

Take your time getting to know someone. It's important to invest rather than gamble. In this case it was gambling because you were hoping it would turn into what it wasn't.

In the future only invest your time, energy and emotions in people who value you and invest in you.

Yeah I’ve gone no contact. But I do miss him, won’t lie. That’s to be expected because we did talk everyday all day 🙄

 

[swilliams]

I’ll never do fwb again because it doesn’t work for me lol

 

i think he did play off some of my vulnerabilities tho and I’m considering backing off dating 

[Jaunty]

What are your reasons for considering backing off dating?   I'm not saying you're wrong for that.  It could be a wise move for many reasons.  

One thing I'm sure about - you, need to be honest with yourself.  We all need to be honest with ourselves. 

Clearly this so-called "FWB" situation was not you being true to yourself.   Also, you were not honest with him at the same time.  The two of you were not on the same page, but you were pretending to be.

You got into it with a hope that by having sex with this man, you could somehow move it into the kind of relationship you wished to have with him.   

This will almost never work.   I don't mean to be sexist, but I have known many women and not men who tend to do this - and I don't know of any instances where it went well.  I'm sure there are a few, but it would be rare.

If you find yourself in this situation again, please acknowledge to yourself what it is.  Don't lie to yourself. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

On 4/12/2023 at 11:51 AM, swilliams said:

I have a history of horrid abusive relationships

This is what is concerning.  I've asked a couple of times but you haven't responded.  Are you doing anything to try to get insight into why you're attracted to abusive situations or why you find a man who clearly said he doesn't want a relationship so alluring?