Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, swilliams said:

I’ll never do fwb again because it doesn’t work for me lol

 

i think he did play off some of my vulnerabilities tho and I’m considering backing off dating 

But you two weren't dating and it's not his role to tiptoe around your vulnerabilities -he's entitled as an adult to believe that you as an adult agreed to a sexual arrangement and he even went the extra step of telling you right off the bat he wasn't interested in dating you.  

Dating is optional. Dating is when two people decide they want to get to know each other better and might feel -or see potential to feel -a romantic attraction.  So they plan an activity -often a meal but doesn't need to be.  And it doesn't mean the two people have sex even if they feel the desire to have sex.  Your interaction with this person was to have intercourse when you both were in the mood.  That can be a part of dating but your interactions are not dating and didn't have the same purpose as dating.

You don't have to date but why base it on this sexual arrangement you thought would be a good idea and turned out not to be a good idea?

[Jaunty]

19 hours ago, swilliams said:

Right 🫠🫠🫠

 

when essentially he admitted in those texts I shared that he uses me not to be alone lol

That's not "using" you, at least not in a negative way.  Casual sexual liaisons can fulfill a variety of needs a person may have; sex, some company, maybe share some laughs, snuggles, whatever both people are comfortable with.

Your problem was that you wanted to attribute different meanings to what was going on than the guy did.  

[swilliams]

Now he text me saying 

 

I'm not saying go away but we do need space to do our own thing and let feelings detach some. :/. I like talking alot. Of course I like playing too

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, swilliams said:

. I like talking alot. Of course I like playing too

Did you respond? This is what he's about. What works for him 

[swilliams]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Did you respond? This is what he's about. What works for him 

No I didn’t seems self centered 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Now he text me saying 

 

I'm not saying go away but we do need space to do our own thing and let feelings detach some. :/. I like talking alot. Of course I like playing too

If he wanted to date you he would want you to know right then.  Your decision is you want out of the sexual arrangement.  If you keep in contact then accept that you will hear about other women he is dating or pursuing to date an accept that he wants to play with your private parts if you want to play with his.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

Now he text me saying 

I'm not saying go away but we do need space to do our own thing and let feelings detach some. :/. I like talking alot. Of course I like playing too

He wants sex.

He's actually being insulting and insensitive. Just because he wants to get off he's willing to completely disregard how it would make you feel to continue having sex with him.

Very selfish person. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

He wants sex.

He's actually being insulting and insensitive. Just because he wants to get off he's willing to completely disregard how it would make you feel to continue having sex with him.

Very selfish person. 

Yes -now that he knows it is really selfish. Also know for sure he will never be "ready" to date you -his text shows he doesn't have respect for you or your feelings.

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, swilliams said:

I’ll never do fwb again because it doesn’t work for me lol

i think he did play off some of my vulnerabilities tho and I’m considering backing off dating 

My heart goes out to you, SW. If it's any comfort, most of us learn the most about ourselves from situationships in the exact same way you have. It's like a rite of passage rather than something to be ashamed of--as long as we learn self affirming things about 'What I Want and Deserve' rather than damaging, self defeating messages.

This is your time to quit working backwards from what you believe someone might offer, and hold out, instead, for someone who will step up to meet YOUR position.

Ask whether a potential date seeks the same long-term goals from dating as you do. Up front. Ask each new person who wants to date you whether he considers himself to be long term relationship material and if that's what he wants to find from dating.

When the answer is no--it's a no. When the answer is I don't know, let's play it by ear, then that's a no. When the answer is anything short of a straight and clear yes, then consider it a no. And you can respond with a self assured thanks for the honesty, and you've sincerely enjoyed meeting him, and if he's ever clear that he's looking for the same kind of relationship as you, he can let you know. If you're still available then, maybe you can meet to catch up.

And sure, lots of people lie. They know that the best way to frontline sex is to pretend to seek a LTR, and so that's where dating--without sex--will screen those people out for you. But this is only true when you trust yourself enough to trust the process. Either someone is willing to date without sex for long enough to get to know another, or not. When he's not, he'll bail and screen himself out for you, and when YOU are not, then you'll just keep rinsing and repeating the same scenarios you've had in the past.

So trust that once you value your Self, the wrong people will disappear, and the right people will step up to fill in those gaps--because you are finally strong enough to make room for them.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[swilliams]

Now as I step back, the blinders are coming off more and more 

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, swilliams said:

Now as I step back, the blinders are coming off more and more 

What blinders? You said you wanted to have sex with him from the beginning when he offered a sexual arrangement and didn't want to date you and you said even you didn't want to end it even though he didn't want to date you because the sex was that good -you wrote that earlier.  Do you mean you told yourself that eventually he'd want to date you in addition to having sex with you? It's really hard to be self-honest when there's the temptation of good sex/fear of not finding anyone. 

I agree if  you thought he was a friend to you he really isn't now -his goal now is to continue the sexual arrangement and he doesn't care that he now knows  you want a dating relationship.  That's not a caring or kind way to behave.  He is prioritizing his sexual pleasure over the real risk of you getting hurt and that's not how a friend behaves.  

I hope you feel better.

[swilliams]

Sorry no that’s not all. he lied to himself about the FWB and he knows it. 

his words said one thing and his actions said other. He is confused as hell. I’ve had friends around us and met him etc and know him and they agree. He claimed he was acting like a fwb and admitted himself it was more. And getting drunk and calling me his gf telling people we are together , it’s a game 

 

[swilliams]

And yeah he isn’t a good friend. He has no regards for anyone but himself 

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Sorry no that’s not all. he lied to himself about the FWB and he knows it. 

his words said one thing and his actions said other. He is confused as hell. I’ve had friends around us and met him etc and know him and they agree. He claimed he was acting like a fwb and admitted himself it was more. And getting drunk and calling me his gf telling people we are together , it’s a game 

 

But he told you from the beginning he didn't want to date you.  You chose to have sex with him anyway and had a great time -such a great time you weren't sure if you should end the arrangement.

Many people who choose to get drunk blurt stuff out.  When he was sober he told you he didn't want you to be his girlfriend at that time.  You were playing a game with yourself.  He can be a good friend perhaps  - you don't know him well enough to know that - perhaps he will choose to make changes and no he is no longer a friend to you based on that text.  What he does from now on is none of your business and  the more you dwell on him the more you risk becoming jaded about men and telling yourself you were the victim of him "leading you on" or "using you" - you weren't. 

You had a good time with the sexual arrangement until you developed an emotional attachment to him.  Then you confirmed he still didn't want to date you.  So you two were then incompatible.  The arrangement ended which is great.  So stay away from him, avoid gossiping about him and you gained such valuable information about yourself and your feelings about casual sex arrangements. 

Remind yourself of that if you ever are tempted again.  I'm sorry he ended up disappointing you and remind yourself too that for awhile it was really fun and pleasurable.  

[spinstermanquee]

17 hours ago, swilliams said:

I'm not saying go away but we do need space to do our own thing and let feelings detach some. :/. I like talking alot. Of course I like playing too

Translation:  I don't like you, so go away and only come around when I booty call you - until I find someone I do like, then you'll never hear from me again.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Translation:  I don't like you, so go away and only come around when I booty call you - until I find someone I do like, then you'll never hear from me again.

Yes- he's not confused about whether he wants to have sex and if he were confused about whether he wants you to be his girlfriend he wouldn't risk offending you by hitting you up for sex -he'd tell you -he wants some time to sort himself out and if he's ready in the future -and you were still interested and would want to start over so to speak he'd be honored to take you on a date.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

he lied to himself about the FWB and he knows it. 

No, sorry, he didn't.  He may have sugar coated TO YOU what he wanted but that was to keep the sex coming.  And just because he acted nice to you (again, to keep the sex coming) doesn't mean he was changing his mind.  The fact that he reiterated ONCE AGAIN that he wasn't going to date you or ask you to be his girlfriend proves this.  I mean, if he wanted you to be his girlfriend he had a golden opportunity to ask you when you brought up your feelings.  But he chose not to.

You were misleading yourself by saying you were fine with it just being sex when in reality you were hoping he'd like the sex and companionship enough to ask you to be his girlfriend.

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

He is confused as hell.

No, he isn't.  Sorry, but you're still trying to "prove" he wants you to be his girlfriend.  I get it, it's soothing to tell yourself he really does want you to be his girlfriend but he can't because he's "scared" or "confused" or "lying to himself".  He's not too scared to ask you for sex. He knows how totally into him you are, so there's nothing to be "scared" of.  No, he's not "scared of getting 'hurt'".  He just isn't interested in more than a steady, reliable source of sex and companionship whenever he wants it.

His message to you trying to keep the sex coming also proves this.  He didn't say "You know, I realized I'm being a fool to let you go.  Can we get meet up to talk about being together?"  No, he called you "sexy" and said he likes "playing".  Not exactly a declaration of love.

Sorry, but this isn't what you hoped it would be.

I think you're trying to work through this in a way that makes it less painful.  That's normal, but unfortunately it's not reality.

Just realize this guy isn't the right one for you.  He isn't going to be in a loving relationship with you.  So, to heck with him!  He can go.

And please do seek some help in exploring why you keep getting into abusive relationships and why you find a guy who says he doesn't want a relationship so very alluring.

[Jaunty]

Why do you continue to spin this situation?   It's very simple:  He was doing what he wanted, and what you agreed to and participated in.  

What your friends think and, frankly, what YOU think don't mean anything insofar as the guy's intentions and feelings go.

He was free to behave however he wanted.  I'm not defending him, but in the big picture you are the one who created your own problem here almost singlehandedly.  

Clearly you've twisted yourself in every kind of knot you could imagine in your desperation to get this guy to be in a relationship with you and he did not go for it.  IF HE'D WANTED TO DATE YOU YOU WOULD BE DATING RIGHT NOW.

Do NOT agree to be a hookup with any guy, ever,  if you think you want to be more than a hookup with said guy.  Your interpretations of his actions don't mean anything except inside of your head.  He wanted casual sex, that's what you signed up for, and he'd do more of it if you are available.  And that's all. 

[MissCanuck]

Oh, girl. 

You have got to get better at protecting your own emotional well-being.  When a guy wants to be with you and date you, you won't be wondering any of this crap. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that he is relationship-minded and not just there for sex. 

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

And getting drunk and calling me his gf telling people we are together

Life lesson, but you can't take the word of a drunk person seriously. It's their sober self you need to pay attention to. 

May I ask how old the both of you are? 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

You have got to get better at protecting your own emotional well-being.  When a guy wants to be with you and date you, you won't be wondering any of this crap. You will know without a shadow of a doubt that he is relationship-minded and not just there for sex. 

There was nothing at all to wonder here. He was clear from the beginning.  That was the right thing to do.  Hitting her up for sex now knowing she wants more is tactless.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

There was nothing at all to wonder here.

I agree, but clearly OP wasn't getting it. 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, swilliams said:

Sorry no that’s not all. he lied to himself about the FWB and he knows it. 

his words said one thing and his actions said other. He is confused as hell. I’ve had friends around us and met him etc and know him and they agree. He claimed he was acting like a fwb and admitted himself it was more. And getting drunk and calling me his gf telling people we are together , it’s a game 

SW, you're allowed to view him as confused if you want to, it's not against the law. It just won't serve you in building any kind of confidence in your ability to judge character or spot red flags going forward. Instead it positions you to view yourself as being at the mercy of other people's bad judgment. That's the opposite of a power position in your OWN choices as you navigate ahead.

And this is the only reason why anyone is challenging you about this. Nobody's trying to be adversarial, we are on your side.

Anger is a natural part of grieving, and you are entitled to grieve the loss of your desired outcome. 

One thing I know about myself is that I bond when I'm sexual. That's part psychological and part biological--sex raises hormones in women that are only equalled by those raised while breast-feeding. They are bonding hormones, and while they are released in men to some degree, they are thwarted by testosterone.

So it's not your 'fault' that you bonded with the guy, but it IS wise to consider that this often happens naturally to women in ways that does NOT as frequently happen to men. So any ideas about winning a man over emotionally with great sex is just a setup for heartbreak, and someone telling you that he is not relationship material is not an invitation to try to convert him.

Hopefully, you'll come to view this as a valuable experience.

[Tinydance]

Sorry but you seem to be actually speaking on his behalf saying it was more for him than FWB and even your friends thought so. Unfortunately it doesn't matter what you or your friends think, it only matters what he thinks and wants in terms of if it's FWB or not. He actually had decided it was FWB and he doesn't want more than that. As I mentioned, there's nothing at all stopping him from actually dating you. He's not dating you because he doesn't want to date you.

Often men find it difficult to get sex, it's much easier for women than for guys. It's hard work for a lot of guys to get sex. So yes he probably does miss the sex with you but that doesn't mean he has feelings for you. You like him so it's normal to read things into it but I don't think there's anything to read into. On how side it's just sex. Maybe he's trying to be nice and not just treat you like a hole, like: "OK we had sex now leave". But he's not actually into you.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Maybe he's trying to be nice and not just treat you like a hole, like: "OK we had sex now leave". But he's not actually into you.

He also might have genuine feelings and for him it doesn't mean he wants to date her.  He's not into her in that way and told her up front that he wasn't.

[swilliams]

Oh I’m sure he has genuine feelings. He actually also talked to me about it and that’s why he doesn’t wanna see me as much bc he said he was developing them 

 

and I’m having a hard time cold Turkey leaving. I made plans for all next weekend and didn’t see him this weekend so

 

i told him no more sleepovers ,  boyfriend acting, long hangouts , no dates