Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings

[swilliams]

21 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Because you have feelings, I probably wouldn't just detach, I'd actually just completely cut this guy off. You are getting hurt and he can't be your boyfriend or friend (because you want more than friends). I think just for self preservation I think it's best to end it and even block him on everything.

Yeah that’s what my friends say. Eh, by the sounds of me sounds like I’m not ready for a relationship myself. 
 

Also he may have ghosted me lol

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yeah that’s what my friends say. Eh, by the sounds of me sounds like I’m not ready for a relationship myself. 
 

Also he may have ghosted me lol

Have you been trying to get together with him? Is he not responding to your invitations?

[swilliams]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Have you been trying to get together with him? Is he not responding to your invitations?

I tried communicating and he ghosted and has definitely been online 

kinda easier when he ghosts me tho lol guess he did the hard work. I deleted all my dating apps but one and I’m gonna further my therapy 

[swilliams]

Damn 😂 the plot thickens never thought I’d get ghosted…he said the rule was we don’t ghost each other 

 

it feels a little weird 🤔 😂 

[boltnrun]

7 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Damn 😂 the plot thickens never thought I’d get ghosted…he said the rule was we don’t ghost each other 

 

it feels a little weird 🤔 😂 

Maybe he's not "ghosting" you but rather is focusing on one of his other options. Just like you are.

More like a slow fade than a "ghosting". 

[MissCanuck]

The fact that you need to "detach" after just a few weeks is where the problem really lies, OP. 

You are overly-invested, which is where you need to keep perspective next time. 6 weeks shouldn't mean it's this hard to let go. Sure, it might be disappointing, but it seems you got too attached too quickly. 

Take this time to step back and re-evaluate your approach to dating or sex in general. Ask if it's really working for you, especially if you have a pattern of going for men who don't value you the same way. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

 I’m not ready for a relationship myself. 

That's great insight. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That may be why you were comfortable agreeing to a nebulous situationship in the first place.

Enjoy the FWB for what it's worth. This way you two can have your regular meetups and still see others.

[swilliams]

Yeah he went on a date.

 

he told me about it which he didn’t want to - but I asked and kinda pushed it.

Weird turn of events 😂 so I told him about the ones I went on. I’d rather hear about it and it didn’t make me feel weird? 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, swilliams said:

Lol funny he’s referred to an obsession. He literally is just as obsessed with me whether we are having sex or not.

I’m not even gonna over explain myself anymore. He is crazy about me. Whether that is enough to date me or not doesn’t change the fact 

He very well might have those crazy feelings about you but what's crazy is you mention that and not that he is crazy about you yet hit you up for sex after you told him how you felt about him - wow - I can't imagine someone who cares about another person whether a romance or friendship acting so cold and callous.  He's crazy about you when you are available for sex and crazy about you when he wants you sexually.

[Batya33]

7 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yeah he went on a date.

 

he told me about it which he didn’t want to - but I asked and kinda pushed it.

Weird turn of events 😂 so I told him about the ones I went on. I’d rather hear about it and it didn’t make me feel weird? 

He never had to tell you -he told you because he prioritized telling you over any reluctance.  I've been "pushed" in that way and if I don't want to share I walk away if needed. That's good you didn't feel weird - probably because you're branching out now to other men and maybe since you have a sexual arrangement with this guy it was kind of a turn on to know he's wanted by other women?

Also good that now you are not ready for a relationship -so if he asked you now to date him with potential for a relationship you'd turn him down unlike a couple of days ago when you told him you did want a relationship?

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yeah he went on a date. so told him about the ones I went on. 

Isn't that what FWB is about? No strings and free to date others? Are either of you looking for more than FWB elsewhere?

[swilliams]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Isn't that what FWB is about? No strings and free to date others? Are either of you looking for more than FWB elsewhere?

Yeah we just normally don’t tell each other haha 

[swilliams]

47 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

He never had to tell you -he told you because he prioritized telling you over any reluctance.  I've been "pushed" in that way and if I don't want to share I walk away if needed. That's good you didn't feel weird - probably because you're branching out now to other men and maybe since you have a sexual arrangement with this guy it was kind of a turn on to know he's wanted by other women?

Also good that now you are not ready for a relationship -so if he asked you now to date him with potential for a relationship you'd turn him down unlike a couple of days ago when you told him you did want a relationship?

I talked to my therapist again. Analyzes some more.

 

Yea I’d turn it down because I am not ready and he isn’t someone I should be in a relationship with. He is a nice scape from my different life and that’s what I need right now 

[Jaunty]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

He is a nice scape from my different life and that’s what I need right now 

So today you are again intending to keep having booty calls with this guy you're obsessed with who, yesterday, ghosted you?  

Nobody needs that right now and if it's an escape, it's an escape into a bad place of delusion, anxiety, and  obsessive behavior.   Not healthy for you or any person.  Objectively not good.

You know - you seem to place a lot of weight on FEELINGS.  Feelings aren't facts.  They are like waves when you're standing on the shore.  They come along, they may touch you, they may wash completely over you, but you can stand there and still be in place when they recede, if you understand how to handle them.  

[swilliams]

I am going through a divorce lol 

A relationship is probably a bad idea and was probably me wanting to be in that comfort zone 

[boltnrun]

Yesterday you had feelings for him and told him you wanted a relationship and today you decided he's not relationship material?

Are you looking for something to soothe you from the pain and distress of your divorce?

Please don't make any relationship decisions when you're in emotional turmoil. You would very likely end up in a relationship with someone who'll make the distress and turmoil worse, not better. 

And since you're in an emotional place where you're getting attached through sexual activity, maybe put the reins on that. Again, if you bond emotionally through sex (which, given this recent situation you certainly seem to), it's dangerous for you to try to have casual sex. 

[swilliams]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Yesterday you had feelings for him and told him you wanted a relationship and today you decided he's not relationship material?

Are you looking for something to soothe you from the pain and distress of your divorce?

Please don't make any relationship decisions when you're in emotional turmoil. You would very likely end up in a relationship with someone who'll make the distress and turmoil worse, not better. 

And since you're in an emotional place where you're getting attached through sexual activity, maybe put the reins on that. Again, if you bond emotionally through sex (which, given this recent situation you certainly seem to), it's dangerous for you to try to have casual sex. 

Yea I think i was looking to be soothed. But I am working through that right now with my therapist. 
 

I was acting off emotions not logic 

[MissCanuck]

You're absolutely all over the place. 

And on the heels of a divorce, perhaps you need to just be single for a while and take a breather from men and sex. You're not making great choices for yourself right now. 

[swilliams]

Ya I’m probably not I’m going through a lot right now I 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, swilliams said:

I am going through a divorce 

That explains a lot. Do you have your own place? Being in the throes of divorce can be unsettling.

As I mentioned above, unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That seems to be the case here. 

If you are just looking for physical comfort while getting through the divorce, then FWB situationships may be a place to hang out until you're ready for a relationship.

[swilliams]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

That explains a lot. Do you have your own place? Being in the throes of divorce can be unsettling.

As I mentioned above, unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That seems to be the case here. 

If you are just looking for physical comfort while getting through the divorce, then FWB situationships may be a place to hang out until you're ready for a relationship.

Yeah I live in the house. I should’ve mentioned that before.

 

I think it is just comfort I want right now 😕 the fwb and I agreed we will see each other about once a week.  And give each other space in between 🙂

[swilliams]

Thought I’d update.

Things are better since me understanding things however we still saw each other 3 times this week 😅😅….. and he had me meet his dad yesterday 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Thought I’d update.

Things are better since me understanding things however we still saw each other 3 times this week 😅😅….. and he had me meet his dad yesterday 

I hope the sex was fun and that you enjoyed meeting his father and I’m glad you feel better !

[swilliams]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I hope the sex was fun and that you enjoyed meeting his father and I’m glad you feel better !

Thank you 

We hung out more than we had sex 

[Batya33]

Just now, swilliams said:

Thank you 

We hung out more than we had sex 

Great I hope you had fun hanging out with him as well.  Given the focus of your interactions I’d put no relevance into meeting his dad.