Best way to handle a FWB when you have feelings

[sweetlady]

Once you have feelings time to walk away unless he feels the same and you and him can go try to be together. 

I stupidly ended up being the one hurt in my situation. Walked away but won't lie I miss him and the times we shared. I totally fell for him but he was right for me. He was exactly that a FWB.

[lostandhurt]

11 hours ago, swilliams said:

so pretty much im dumb haha. he treats me so well i dont even wanna date others sigh

And there is your answer right there.

So there is this guy that has a FWB but he treats her more like a booty call and eventually she gets tired of it and calls it off.  Then there is another guy that has FWB thing going with this great woman but he treats her great and does everything but fall for her emotionally so she will continue the situation.

 FWB work when neither person catches feelings but it seems you both have to some degree so you can either waste more time waiting for him to fall for you or you can step away and devote the time with him to finding a guy that wants a real relationship with you.

 It sounds like you agreed to a FWB because that is all he will commit to.  Were you looking for a relationship when you met him?

 Lost

[Jaunty]

11 hours ago, swilliams said:

I dont wanna stop seeing him but i wanna detach lol how do people do that haha

You need to be honest with and true to yourself.  You are playing a dangerous game here - you obviously are very invested in trying to build this into something it's not.  Otherwise you would not have made this detailed list "proving" that he wants a relationship with you.   But, he's told you that that's a "no go."  

Stop hurting yourself.  Either you can't do "FWB" (it's definitely not for everyone) or just not with this guy because you want to be in a relationship with him.

[Kwothe28]

Lots of people start FWB thinking the other person would commit over time. In most of those cases, its a hard "No". Because you started this expecting him to commit over time. He started this as just sex arrangement. Your goals there are literaly diametraly opposite. And you went into this expecting different things. 

Also, when somebody tells you and shows you who they are, believe them. He told you that he isnt emotionally available and cant be exclusive. It doesnt matter that he is possesive or takes you out, he can do that stuff and still go around and have sex with other people. Being possesive and just wanting you to have sex with him doesnt stop him for having sex with other women,there are people who dont want you to go around and have sex with others while they dont apply that to themselves. Because he straight up told you he cant be exclusive. So why are you expecting him to be the stuff he told you he cant be?

You are on the path on getting very hurt there. You involved emotions while this is just FWB. Where you shouldnt involve emotions at all. Break this up before you get hurt there.

[Batya33]

19 hours ago, bluecastle said:

You are far from dumb. You are a human being in a very human situation. You like him, enjoy how you feel with him, and find yourself open to being in a relationship. All that is very normal and wonderful. Sadly, when we have these feelings for someone who doesn't want the same time we have to face reality rather than try to bend it to meet our wishes. 

 

Yes and it doesn't sound like you were good friends first who decided to also have sex.  He sounds like someone you met and now have a sexual arrangement with. I always say watch the feet- the actions -not the lips -the words except for one thing -if a person tells you that are not emotionally available, don't want a relationship, silently add "with you" - and believe that if a person saw any potential they of course would not want to sabotage it by torpedoing it in the beginning.

He is not using you or leading you on -he was open with you from the beginning that he wants to have sex with you when he is horny.  He likes playing at being a couple because it's just play -he told you he doesn't see you as girlfriend material now and likely not ever.  I'm sorry.

You can indulge in your feelings and choose to get more attached -what I've seen as  a result is the woman ends up blaming the man for her own choice and claiming she was used, etc -and that leads to your jadedness and  your bitterness about "men" -I'd stop having sex with him and be "friends" only if you're cool with hearing all about other women he is dating and please know he very well might find someone he does want to commit to and poof his emotional "unavailability" will vanish.  That will hurt a lot so I'd bow out now IMHO.

[swilliams]

Hmm we had a talk and he said he has feelings for me bht isn’t ready to move forward 

[boltnrun]

39 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Hmm we had a talk and he said he has feelings for me bht isn’t ready to move forward 

So you have a choice. Continue to allow him access to your body and possibly become more emotionally attached or decide you don't want to take the risk. 

Why do you have a history of abusive relationships? Have you explored your propensity toward abusive men with a therapist? BTW, I don't think continuing to attach yourself to this guy will help you feel better. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

 he has feelings for me bht isn’t ready to move forward 

This is the definition of FWB. No-strings sex with no promises and no future. Protect yourself.

[Jaunty]

Feelings are seriously overrated.  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, swilliams said:

Hmm we had a talk and he said he has feelings for me bht isn’t ready to move forward 

You need to understand that he is not going to become your boyfriend. Not now, and not in the future. 

Do you still want to continue sleeping with him? 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, swilliams said:

Hmm we had a talk and he said he has feelings for me bht isn’t ready to move forward 

So let me guess: You are now hoping that he will in time be ready to be exclusive?

Not. Gonna. Happen. He already told you twice that he wont do that.

[swilliams]

Yeah not gonna lie it made me feel like him saying he isn’t ready yet means there could be a chance?

 

he did say it takes him 3 months usually before becoming exclusive its only been 1.5 months 

[MissCanuck]

13 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yeah not gonna lie it made me feel like him saying he isn’t ready yet means there could be a chance?  

No. All it means is that he knows what to say to keep the sex coming. 

When a man is really into you, you won’t need to wait around and see if he wants to date you. He’ll eagerly dare you without any ambiguous nonsense. 

Take it from those of who are probably quite a bit older than you and have seen many times how this ends- get out now or you’re going to get hurt. He won’t wind up with you in a relationship. 

[swilliams]

15 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

No. All it means is that he knows what to say to keep the sex coming. 

When a man is really into you, you won’t need to wait around and see if he wants to date you. He’ll eagerly dare you without any ambiguous nonsense. 

Take it from those of who are probably quite a bit older than you and have seen many times how this ends- get out now or you’re going to get hurt. He won’t wind up with you in a relationship. 

So depressing 😏

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, swilliams said:

Hmm we had a talk and he said he has feelings for me bht isn’t ready to move forward 

He's ready to move forward with his body -meaning he's still ready and available to have intercourse with you.  He has "feelings" which may be very genuine.  He chooses not to act on them by being with you and what does he say he needs to be ready to do so -is there some sort of time line? Is he in therapy? My sense is he is stalling so that he can continue the sexual arrangement you agreed to.

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, swilliams said:

So depressing 😏

Why? You agreed to have a sex arrangement with him and you enjoyed yourself.  Did you lie to yourself about that -that would be a little depressing. I'm sorry you're disappointed that he wants to keep your interactions as is.

[swilliams]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

He's ready to move forward with his body -meaning he's still ready and available to have intercourse with you.  He has "feelings" which may be very genuine.  He chooses not to act on them by being with you and what does he say he needs to be ready to do so -is there some sort of time line? Is he in therapy? My sense is he is stalling so that he can continue the sexual arrangement you agreed to.

He was in therapy before. He left a bad relationship and seems scared to get hurt again

[swilliams]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Why? You agreed to have a sex arrangement with him and you enjoyed yourself.  Did you lie to yourself about that -that would be a little depressing. I'm sorry you're disappointed that he wants to keep your interactions as is.

Yeah you’re right. Thank you. We do enjoy that aspect it’s also part of why I don’t wanna drop him lol

[Batya33]

39 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yeah not gonna lie it made me feel like him saying he isn’t ready yet means there could be a chance?

 

he did say it takes him 3 months usually before becoming exclusive its only been 1.5 months 

Yes and if he really felt that way he'd tell you you two should stop having sex because now you say you want to be in a relationship -and he should want you to feel good about that and so in a month and a half he can ask you out on a proper date he plans in advance and you two can start dating -if this is what he really means (seems highly unlikely).  If he saw potential like this he would have told you this from the beginning instead of agreeing to a sexual arrangement.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, swilliams said:

He was in therapy before. He left a bad relationship and seems scared to get hurt again

He's not scared to get attached to you through sex.  Many many people are "scared" -they choose the person they really want to be with over that sort of fear when they meet someone they see potential with and they don't risk giving the wrong impression by meeting up for sex only.

I'd stop seeing him for sex until he feels he wants to date you and he's excited to do so -he can contact you then -according to him it shouldn't be more than a month or so -right? 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, swilliams said:

Yeah you’re right. Thank you. We do enjoy that aspect it’s also part of why I don’t wanna drop him lol

Right so you get to choose the benefits over the downsides -LOL.  It's funny to you? Will it feel LOL if he meets someone he does want to date with potential for a relationship and then tells you he can't meet up for sex anymore? Figure out if the sex is worth the downsides of feeling icky that he doesn't want a relationship with you.

[boltnrun]

He's not "scared". That's you assigning yourself an excuse to keep having sex with him in the hopes it'll make him want to make you his girlfriend. He also wants to keep the uncommitted sex coming (so to speak) so he throws out a carrot to keep you providing sex to him. Not really nice, is that?

[swilliams]

No it’s not nice. I’m feeling mad at myself now

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, swilliams said:

No it’s not nice. I’m feeling mad at myself now

No need to beat yourself up. But it is important to be honest with yourself. You have feelings for this guy and are hoping he changes his mind and wants you to be his girlfriend. He doesn't want this. So be your own best friend (instead of worst enemy) and do what's best for you. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

No need to beat yourself up. But it is important to be honest with yourself. You have feelings for this guy and are hoping he changes his mind and wants you to be his girlfriend. He doesn't want this. So be your own best friend (instead of worst enemy) and do what's best for you. 

I second this.  It’s ok that you thought the fun and pleasurable sex was worth the downsides.  It sounds like you’re fine health wise as far as pregnancy or STD which is great.  So stop right now so you can move on faster.