Walking on eggshells/ communication difficulty

[Throwaway891011]

Just to preface this, I’m (male) an easy going person who generally prefers to sidestep conflict, my partner (female) is pretty high strung/ high stress and quick to anger. We’ve been together 5 years through highs and lows - job changes, spent quarantine together in a studio apt <500 sq ft, Ukraine conflict (she’s from Eastern Europe), etc.  At first our personalities complemented each other well, she kept me from feeling stuck in a rut and I kept her grounded and feeling too stuck in her own head.

 

Last January, my mother came in town to visit us as travel during the holidays themselves is prohibitively expensive.  My partner insists all parts of my mom’s visit should be paid for by me - that’s fine.  My mom herself finds it objectionable, my partner and I exist paycheck to paycheck and my mom makes well into 6 figures and would like to treat us.  My mom would attempt to try and pay for things (dinner, museum tickets etc) before I could get the check, which is where the conflict started with my partner 

 

We go out to dinner and sit at a booth, my partner and mother are sitting across from each other and I’m next to my partner and diagonal from my mother.  Check comes and as the waitress was closer to my mom’s/ partner’s end of the booth, my mom has first grab at. Partner wrests it out of my mom’s hands and gives it to me and says to put it on our shared cc.  I did as she asked and as we were leaving my mom thanks me for dinner. 

 

Partner doesn’t speak to me for the rest of the night and the next morning she’s bawling.  I’m racking my brain asking her what I did that made her so upset, which kinda made it worse as she thought I should already know.  She finally explains that I was about to just let my mom pay for dinner if she didn’t intervene, and made her look bad by not including her when my mom thanked me for dinner since it was on our joint cc.  I apologize profusely, explain I didn’t really have an opportunity to try and pay the check before she grabbed it (and plan was to pretend to go to the bathroom and give the waitress my cc before she came back and picked up my mom’s), and I try to make it right. She refuses to spend any more time with my mom and I, so I explain this to my confused mother and she texts my partner thank you, acknowledging she knows that the dinner was paid for by both of us.  It takes days for my partner to start speaking to me again, and I still don’t understand why it upset her to that degree

 

Fast forward to now - my partner has been cool and distanced ever since early January.  I had hoped time and perspective (her reaction was a tipping point from other built up stress that had nothing to do with me?) would earn some forgiveness, but really it’s just further hampered our communication.  I shared that I got a work promotion with her and she laughed at it, and I’m afraid to share normal day to day stuff with her anymore because I don’t know what seemingly innocent thing is going to set her off.  Then she complains that she has to pry any conversation out of me.  I try to imagine myself in her shoes when something comes up that gets her upset, and most of the time my conclusion is I wouldn’t even notice, much less get hugely worked up about it.  My sister is planning a get together with my mom for Mother’s Day, which I invited my partner to, and she said she’s still not over what happened in January and doesn’t want to be involved with family things anymore, and she was annoyed that I was upset with hearing this.  

 

Communication is clearly a problem (there’s no language barrier btw) but I’m kind of adverse to just sitting down and trying to put more words to all of this with her.  I feel like I’m tripping over myself to not upset her, always treat her the way I would want to be treated and I still manage to step on landmines.  Not to mention I’m not an assertive person and suck at these types of conversations, I feel like I’d try to go into this as openly as I could and she would walk all over me with things she’s already made up her mind on and nothing would get accomplished - it’d just be an invitation to allow her to tell me all my faults and get all worked up again. I physically saw my parents split up over a single disagreement about a renovation dumpster (of all things) so that experience does make me extremely hesitant to go into these discussions, as I feel like it’s lighting the fuse to blow up the relationship. 

 

I love her and want to fix this relationship but the conversation to start this feels entirely unapproachable and she treats me like I’m morally questionable.  There’s never been any question of infidelity or anything like that, we definitely don’t live in the house/ drive the car/ work at the job my mommy got for me etc, and I read the other way more serious issues other people have here and are patching up relationships with - I feel like I’m in the same level of peril over a $80 restaurant check. 

[redswim30]

Umm, wow.  Your partner is a DRAMA. QUEEN.   It's April, and she's still "not over" what happened in January?  I'm really confused.  WHAT is she THIS MAD about?  Over your mom wanting to be nice to you? Why is that a problem?  I really don't understand. 

IMVHO, that's pretty off the wall reaction to what was supposed to be a nice gesture by your mom. One of two things is at play here, and neither of them is good.   

1. Your partner is doing something shady behind your back and projecting fault onto other things to alleviate her guilt. 

2. Your partner has some severe mental health issues. 

Neither one of these things can be fixed by you.  Which means that you have two choices. 

1. Learn to live with it and just understand this is who she is 

2. Leave 

I know what option I'd pick (2).  IMO, you two just aren't compatible.  To be honest, if this is how she overreacts to something SO minor (which most people wouldn't even view letting someone treat you to a meal as problem), how ON EARTH will she deal with any major life issues?  It chills me to even think of it. Love isn't enough to sustain a relationship in the long term.  You have to be compatible, and part of being compatible is the ability to reconcile stressful situations and misunderstandings together.  You seem at least interested in trying, while she does not. 

This isn't a healthy relationship for either one of you.  My advice, start looking at new places.  Unless you want to keep feeling bad over *checks notes* loving your mother and having your own relationship with her without feeling judged.  

 

[MissCanuck]

56 minutes ago, Throwaway891011 said:

she said she’s still not over what happened in January and doesn’t want to be involved with family things anymore,

This is bats**t crazy, OP. You realize this, right?

I would be done with her. You have enabled her terrible and rude behaviour for way too long, and it's now affecting your relationship with your family. Get yourself away from this woman. 

[MissCanuck]

41 minutes ago, redswim30 said:

1. Your partner is doing something shady behind your back and projecting fault onto other things to alleviate her guilt. 

2. Your partner has some severe mental health issues. 

Both of these things came to my mind as well. 

Something is really off with this whole situation, OP. I think there is a lot more to this than you realize. 

[Kwothe28]

48 minutes ago, Throwaway891011 said:

I shared that I got a work promotion with her and she laughed at it

Wow, just wow...

She "stonewalled" you about such a minisculed thing. And kept that attitude for months. OK, maybe she didnt wanted to appear like you needed money. But still its such an erratic behavior that you have to wonder what is wrong with her. 

And to laugh at your promotion? That is inexcusable for somebody that is suppose to be your partner. For that you should have thrown her out in the streets where she belongs immediately.

 

[tattoobunnie]

2 hours ago, Throwaway891011 said:

my parents split up over a single disagreement about a renovation dumpster

I know this is what cemented in your mind as to why they split, but this was the last straw, and that's what you let yourself see.  Or because they are good parents, this was all you ever saw.  Conflict and fighting is good to do in a relationship once in a while is because that's how you also learn to work through something together.

If she is still upset over something in January, it also means, you've been dodging the conversation as well.  I would ask him why she sees parents treating the kids as unforgivable.  It could easily be cultural, or her parents always made her feel horrible is she didn't foot everything.  But if you avoid talking about the tough stuff, you will never grow together.

If you are too worried about an argument leading to a break-up, both of you should write letters to eachother, and read them to eachother.  This way, you can also be careful of your words, and not bite your tongue at the same time.

[Throwaway891011]

Thanks all for the feedback - just having outside perspective is helpful. 
 

Both my partner and I have had past relationships where we were cheated on, I don’t think she would do this and it doesn’t read that way to me from my experience. Mental issues seems to fit much more - she grew up in a very troubled part of the world and in the past has shared with me some childhood experiences which I have to imagine could follow a person their whole life. 
 

There is some cultural differences to contend with too - it’s very much the expectation over there that the children take care of the parents.  And she certainly does financially, which I found admirable at first because they do need the help.  She does take it almost to an extreme though it seems like - to the point where it causes conflict with her older sister at times, although I don’t have a clear window into that with the language difference.   
 

Combination of those two factors swirled in with her high strung nature feel like is what the source of all this grief over who pays for what when my parents are involved - though where the line is with cultural differences and mental issues has been hard for me to tell.  I can understand it in a way and I can’t fault her for experiences causing some kind of long term psychological harm, but I know it’s not something I can fix either. 
 

It does put me in the position of opening a conversation with her about this, as we haven’t done too much talking since last night when she said she doesn’t want to be involved with family gatherings anymore; I don’t want to throw in the towel on the relationship without first trying to meet a middle ground with her.  My hope would be that she would be able to separate cultural norms from whatever emotional issues she’s experiencing, acknowledge it can’t go on like it has, and get some kind of commitment that there will be an attempt to improve though we would possibly need some kind of professional help.  Splitting up would be pretty disastrous in social ways, but truly - we’re crammed into this tiny apartment because it’d be quite a financial hardship to move out

[Cherylyn]

I agree with others.  Your partner is overly dramatic.  There shouldn't be such fights over who pays the restaurant bill and if your mother offered to pay,  she should've been allowed to pay.  It sounds like there is a stark cultural difference.  It shouldn't become a tug of war to pay the bill.  Also, your mother is obviously affluent and can afford to pay and hopefully you can convince your partner that the one who has more money should pay especially if they're willing to do so. 

Good thing you made sure your mother thanked your partner due to the joint cc account.  My mother told me that her MIL (mother-in-law) never thanked her for any money sent to her.  My mother told me that she remembers a time when she handed over $400 cash to her visiting MIL and without giving my mother eye contact,  her MIL (my paternal grandmother)  used her chin to point to a table across the room while sneering,  "Put the money over there."  There were no words of "thank yous" whatsoever.  It was an abomination. 

I disagree with your partner.  Your mother should pay for her airfare since you live paycheck to paycheck and your mother can afford to travel. 

Then your partner laughs at your upon great news about your promotion.  Congratulations on your promotion!  Your partner should've graciously congratulated you instead of laugh at you.  She's mentally sick to act the way she does. 

You shouldn't walk on eggshells because you fear hair triggers of explosive anger from your partner at any given moment.  I've had to interact with some people like this and the best thing I had ever done was eliminate them from my life permanently.  It's very freeing and liberating.  I can actually breathe a sigh of tremendous relief. 

Also, my late father insisted upon financially supporting his widowed mother every month despite the economic hardship for my mother and household.  It was one of the many contributing factors to dissolving their marriage. 

The other alternative for you is to have a relationship without your partner included.  For example,  for Mother's Day, your partner doesn't have to be there.  If your partner doesn't want to be involved in family events or occasions anymore,  then let her stay home.  There were times during my marriage, where I didn't want to be lumped into every family / relatives / in-laws type gatherings.  I was perfectly fine doing my own thing.  I told my husband (and sons) to go and have a good time and tell me all about it when you come home.  It worked out very well.  Many times, other people have a good time being with each other while I enjoy my wonderful time for myself and do what I want to do. 

If this is a source of contention,  then you decide whether or not your partner is long term or short term.  You and your partner do not have a harmonious,  normal relationship which will not endure. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Throwaway891011 said:

 My hope would be that she would be able to separate cultural norms from whatever emotional issues she’s experiencing, acknowledge it can’t go on like it has, and get some kind of commitment that there will be an attempt to improve though we would possibly need some kind of professional help.  Splitting up would be pretty disastrous in social ways, but truly - we’re crammed into this tiny apartment because it’d be quite a financial hardship to move out

She is capable of doing so.  But she benefits more from not doing so partly because she knows you're financially dependent on this arrangement.  I tend to high strung . Regularly I have to make choices in the name of family peace.  I do the work silently very often -self-talk, grounding exercises, walking away if needed (did so an hour ago -told husband our son was triggering me and to please step in and resolve the situation -I left the room). 

I see it as my utmost obligation as a wife and a mom to react to my Type A stuff -when the type A stuff is problematic -there's a lot of good in being Type A just like there's a lot of good in my husband's Type B nature - by not "losing it' or speaking in an irritated/cranky/Debbie Downer way.  We live in a small apartment too.  It's part of the issue for me -sensory overload.  

I'd not approach it with fancy shmancy "attempt to improve" and "commitment."  I'd suggest counseling.  If she is amenable find a no nonsense counselor - because your partner seems highly intelligent and she'll try to talk circles around these issues if she's allowed.  IMO.  You want someone who's not gonna stand for that.  Good luck.

[Coily]

3 hours ago, Throwaway891011 said:

There is some cultural differences to contend with too - it’s very much the expectation over there that the children take care of the parents.  And she certainly does financially, which I found admirable at first because they do need the help.  She does take it almost to an extreme though it seems like - to the point where it causes conflict with her older sister at times, although I don’t have a clear window into that with the language difference.  

This starts getting into the big questions I have about your relationship. What is your Nationality and what is hers?

As you seem to acknowledge these cultural differences are at the crux of the problems in your relationship. This incident brought them to a head, as she may view you culturally as "weak" and still dependent on your mother. Where you and your mother thought nothing of it. Your girlfriend's pride is getting in the way of you making peace with this issue.

Have you previously dated women from her culture? If not I would highly suggest seeking out some more information on those ins and outs if you want to continue the relationship. As I doubt anyone here will be able to navigate that set of cultural norms.

Without knowing her specific details, I can only speak of my experiences with some Eastern Europeans, there is an expectation that you are a "strong man." Chew on that idea when interacting with your GF.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Throwaway891011 said:

. We’ve been together 5 years through highs and lows -

I love her and want to fix this relationship 

If you want to fix it, you'll have to understand that she's not you and arguing about her cultural traditions vs yours isn't going to get you anywhere.

As you know, it's never about a dumpster or a dinner check. Try not to drag parental history into your own life as if it's fate. 

It's a power struggle. Reflect if there are power struggles in general. Especially when both of you assume the other would or should do what what you would do.

Step back and be who you are. Take a deep breath and let the dust settle if she's the dramatic type.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, Throwaway891011 said:

My hope would be that she would be able to separate cultural norms from whatever emotional issues she’s experiencing, acknowledge it can’t go on like it has, and get some kind of commitment that there will be an attempt to improve though we would possibly need some kind of professional help.

That's never going to happen. 

This isn't a cultural issue. This is her being manipulative and punitive and frankly very rude. And that goes beyond this nonsense over the restaurant bill. She's demeaning and dismissive in plenty of other ways, accorinding to your post. 

Don't let yourself dismiss these issues as a cross-cultural clash. What she is doing is highly inappropriate regardless of where she comes from. 

 

[LootieTootie]

11 hours ago, Throwaway891011 said:

There is some cultural differences to contend with too - it’s very much the expectation over there that the children take care of the parents.  And she certainly does financially, which I found admirable at first because they do need the help.  She does take it almost to an extreme though it seems like - to the point where it causes conflict with her older sister at times, although I don’t have a clear window into that with the language difference.   

Speaking from my own experience being raised in a culture that value taking care of parents, grandparents, and community elders, I can say that your girlfriend is being unreasonably upset. My parents are super generous and I can see my mom or dad grabbing the tab before me or my husband can grab it first. It would just end in a laugh but later in the week or month, me or my husband will just put the $ for the dinner in their pocket and call them right after we left something in their pocket.  Another laugh. It's really no harm no foul.

So yea, I don't think it's a cultural difference but more that she is immature and has very rigid views. She saw you as an adult man not taking care of your mother and she was upset/hurt that your own mother did not thank her after the tab was paid and now she's sulking. This is a person who needs to work on not getting worked up on innocuous situations because if she doesn't work on herself, she is not going to be a good partner for you or for anyone.

You need to grow a spine and tell her that her punitive behavior is not acceptable to you. You are at the whim of a crazy woman. Don't live with her. Find a roommate.

[Throwaway891011]

15 hours ago, Coily said:

Without knowing her specific details, I can only speak of my experiences with some Eastern Europeans, there is an expectation that you are a "strong man." Chew on that idea when interacting with your GF.

This is a fair point I’m aware of, she’s from Romania.  Her previous relationships were with more… culturally familiar partners, but as I mentioned she dealt with infidelity (among other things) in those and mentioned when we first started dating that my demeanor was a refreshing change 
 

In the context of this I could understand a strong aversion for allowing my mother to treat us to a meal - however, it didn’t actually even happen, and I don’t think holding a grudge for months over an incident like that is something that has a cultural explanation.  Perhaps there were similar events in the past where I wasn’t aware I caused offense (and she didn’t say anything) culminating here, but I’m not exactly recalling too many examples where that could really apply.  Holding on to her pride feels like the right words 

[bluecastle]

On 4/10/2023 at 7:33 AM, redswim30 said:

Neither one of these things can be fixed by you.  Which means that you have two choices. 

1. Learn to live with it and just understand this is who she is 

2. Leave 

This, all in all, is what I would focus on right now.

You've been together for five years, long enough to know that what you're experiencing right now isn't some apparition or deviation from the norm. It's simply who she is, how she goes about the business of being herself. Maybe this whole moment with your mother, and her holding onto the grudge, is a 9 on the volume knob instead of the usual 6-7, but still: it's the same knob, which will be turned up here and there. That is forever. 

In short, the only way I'd see this working is if you can stop caring about this stuff. Icky but relevant example is parenting: children freak out about nonsensical things from time to time, throw tantrums, and parents deftly acknowledge the feelings without blowing oxygen into them, trusting that the tantrum is just that: something that will fade. 

That the best advice I can give here, at least when it comes to staying together, is to assume a parental role to your childish girlfriend is probably more depressing for you than it is for me, but I think believing that there's some "communication" that will remedy this is magical thinking. You two do not have a communication issue, at all. The issue is that your girlfriend goes ape over small potatoes, holds grudges like a hero, and that you take all this very, very seriously and go straight into apologetic fix-it mode.

Her reactions you cannot, and will not, change. Yours, however, you have power over. So if you're still investing in seeing if this can be worked out, I say chalk this whole thing up to more of the same and make an internal note that next time she is compelled to make a straight line go sideways that you react differently. Note what happens then, note how you feel, and take it from there. 

 

[Cherylyn]

If I ever have to walk on eggshells in order to be with a person such as a relationship or friendship,  it's too high maintenance and very taxing.  Sooner or later you'll end up burning out.  It's exhausting.  It's so much easier to be with a compatible person and so much happier, too.  Whenever you have to work so hard at keeping relationships afloat,  it's not working. 

I've tried for decades to make certain relationships work,  forced it to work in order to keep the peace and was always a good sport.  Well, I became sick 'n tired of it and recently,  I've quit.  At first it was a bit nerve wracking.  However, over time,  I'm feeling quite grateful and relieved.  I feel so protected in my safe haven bubble I've since deliberately created for myself.  My only regret was I didn't act upon it sooner because I could've saved myself a lot of grief.

What helps me is to become unemotional and extremely calculated in a good way.  I ask myself the following questions:  Does this person bring joy to my life?  Do I benefit from them meaning is the rapport rewarding or an endless project?  Does this person have a very complex and complicated personality and character?   Is this person very insecure and unstable?  Is this person predictable in a negative way?  Does this person give me frequent angst?  Is this person using me or my loved ones?   Is this relationship or friendship normal or stressful?  Is this person tricky and sneaky?  Deceitful?  Do I trust this person or will this person betray me?  Does this person have no qualms hurting me?  Does this person lack empathy?  Is this person a narcissist?  Does this person engage in habitual gaslighting?   With normal people,  you don't have to ask these types of questions in your mind because they've proven their integrity to you through the years.  If people are off,  they're off.  If you can afford to eliminate certain rejects from your life,  then do it.  If you can't,  then enforce strong, absolute boundaries.  Fortunately, it has been easier to eliminate difficult people from my life and I must say I can breathe easier.  My life is stress free and I have more zip in my step.  My heart feels lighter and free which is a very priceless feeling.  ☺️