What does cutting your parents off entail?

[TechnoRules]

If you don't know my history, here it is.

I was the second marriage-doted on child. But my 5 half-siblings—who I partially grew up with in a blended home and the kids from his first marriage—is who he abandoned, kicked out, and hated ever since then.

Before I was born, they all used to live in another state. My dad separated from his ex-wife after many years of marriage, and his 5 kids lived with their biological mom in the family home while he lived at a cousin’s place, still working and sending money back and visiting. Their mom was by all accounts, terrible, and started a dog breeding business out of the home and left them in filth and would disappear for hours in the middle of the night. It was enough for him to win full custody after their divorce, after which their biological mother completely dropped out the picture. Along the way of all this, my dad met a new woman (my mom), married, and they all moved into her home.

One of the first clues I realized—way too late—that my dad was not a good person, is that he recently told me that he absolutely did not want to take custody…of the 5 kids who were living in squalor and absolutely needed him. To him, a blended family would have ended in disaster and those kids all wanted to be with their mom anyway. It was my mom—his new girlfriend/wife—who had to convince him to take custody of his own kids. He told me that as if that was a totally normal, justified thing for him to feel. Crazy, right?

I’ll run you quickly through the rest. After a few years, everyone moved down South (except his first daughter who stayed behind, and who he never talked to or talked about again), I was born, and within a few months, his first two sons promptly moved out as soon as they could when they hit 18/19 (telling my parents the day they were moving out. That infuriated my parents, especially my dad, who ignored all their letters after their move and never spoke to them again.)

Then my sisters. For one, when she was 21, she got caught in a lie that she was at work when she was really out elsewhere, to which my parents’ assumed was a guy’s place. When she got back home that night, they kicked her out with no belongings/car at 1 am in the morning, literally slammed the door in her crying, begging face. Never talked to her again. Other sister, three years later when she was 22, she also got caught in a lie about not really being at work. They did the whole kicking out routine with her, but went back to go get her and picked her up walking down the street. The next morning, they said you can talk to us about what happened or leave. She packed her bags and left without an explanation. They later guessed the password into her laptop she left behind, found sexts between her and a guy, and told me that as if it was damning evidence of her “crime.”

And you know what? I believed it. I was young, which could explain the ignorance, but I even believed it for far too long, way too deep into my adult years, until I woke up. To this day, my dad goes on periodic rants about his 5 children who were never grateful enough to their stepmother and easily calls his daughters out their names (“b*tches”, “h*es”, take your pick). He only talks to one of his sons now.

What took me a long time to wrestle with is that my dad was financially generous with both sets of kids, and to a large degree, funny and sweet and caring. It wasn’t Jekyll and Hyde. But it’s clear to me now how my dad was always resented his first set of kids, and they must have always felt that, too.

Well, my childhood? Fine until being homeschooled at 12, when which my parents totally neglected to socialize me and I grew up isolated and infantilized, deep into my early 20s. Not allowed to travel alone, not encouraged to get a job, had to go to a commuter college, driven along with deep into having a license…and dating? I’m sure it was banned, and I can only imagine what would have went down if I happened to get myself into a relationship or have sex. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, with my dad calming down over the years and my mom there to blunt some of his wrath (and naturally more protective of me, her biological daughter. Only one time in my life did my dad call me a “b*tch” and she freaked out on him; but for the other daughters, who “b*tch” has replaced their given names, she stays quiet.).

There are so many more details to give, that I won’t do now…you get the picture. Which leads me to being here, on the eve of being 26, having moved out 6 months ago, doing a lot of processing and reflecting and healing over the past few years…and considering sending my parents a letter of how I feel about them and me stepping out their lives.

Most of the letter would cite grievances from long ago that didn’t even happen to me, which I’m sure will confuse them. Keep in mind amidst all this craziness, I love them, and my parents are still supportive and doting and fillintheblankhere. Yet, I’ve clearly realized they are delusional people, and my dad has rightly earned the title of enemy in my half-siblings eyes. My respect and love for them has…changed, to say the least. But I wonder what cutting them off will really entail emotionally and mentally…and I worry about my 20-year-old brother (full brother, their son) who will get caught in the crosshairs of all of this.


Maybe you'll say I shouldn't cut them off. Maybe it's exactly the right choice. I no longer love and respect the same, after all I've realized. But I wonder what cutting them off will really entail emotionally and mentally.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TechnoRules said:

Maybe you'll say I shouldn't cut them off. Maybe it's exactly the right choice. I no longer love and respect the same, after all I've realized. But I wonder what cutting them off will really entail emotionally and mentally.

I'm so sorry for your struggles and my strong opinion is no one here can tell you this -it's so individual and personal.  I do suggest reading Westover's book Educated and there are other memoirs like that about cutting off family or attempting to.  And maybe even the latest Celeste Ng novel.  I hate giving this opinion but I feel that any answer from strangers is really likely to miss the mark in these circumstances.

[Cherylyn]

I'm not you but I wouldn't cut them off.  You don't have to be close to them due to no longer respecting them which is your prerogative.  Instead of severing ties,  I would enforce strong, healthy boundaries.  This way you'll get the best of both worlds.  You can still have them in your life according to your boundaries. 

You don't have to love and respect them.  I don't love and respect certain members of my family tree either but I hadn't completely cut them off.  I have boundaries with them and it works very well.  Everyone is peaceful.  No one is at each others throats.  There are no war of words.  Everyone stays in their own lane.  We don't bother each other yet I practice good diplomacy.  I'm well mannered and polite without getting chummy and close.  It works.  I don't have to love and respect anyone but I can remain a  respectful person with my behavior.  You ought to try a different strategy. 

[TechnoRules]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Instead of severing ties,  I would enforce strong, healthy boundaries.

Can you give examples?

[Cherylyn]

9 minutes ago, TechnoRules said:

Can you give examples?

Back off on electronic correspondence.  Limit texts,  emails,  messages,  don't comment on social media,  limit phone calls and if you do chat,  keep it brief and well mannered.  Control yourself. 

For birthdays and Christmas,  text:  "Happy Birthday, Name" or "Merry Christmas."  Keep communication short, simple yet kind.  I would throw in a safe, tasteful emoji.  Be nice but not sugary,  syrupy sweet.   

Don't do the friendlies thing.  Maintain a safe, cool distance. 

If you get together,  make encounters respectful,  well mannered,  brief and safely distant.  Exercise decorum within safe limits.

Maintain ties without being close nor feeling close.  That's how you do it.   

[TechnoRules]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Back off on electronic correspondence.  Limit texts,  emails,  messages,  don't comment on social media,  limit phone calls and if you do chat,  keep it brief and well mannered.  Control yourself. 

For birthdays and Christmas,  text:  "Happy Birthday, Name" or "Merry Christmas."  Keep communication short, simple yet kind.  I would throw in a safe, tasteful emoji.  Be nice but not sugary,  syrupy sweet.   

Don't do the friendlies thing.  Maintain a safe, cool distance. 

If you get together,  make encounters respectful,  well mannered,  brief and safely distant.  Exercise decorum within safe limits.

Maintain ties without being close nor feeling close.  That's how you do it.   

Low contact basically. 

For example, my mom and I's birthday is coming up (they're a day apart, so we celebrate them together). I live only 30 minutes away so I'll have to go over for a visit, and even though I don't want to, I'm going to play nice and fake it. How do I do so in the shortest-still-nicest-way possible?

[TechnoRules]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

This way you'll get the best of both worlds.  You can still have them in your life according to your boundaries. 

Also, what do you define as best of both worlds?

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, TechnoRules said:

Also, what do you define as best of both worlds?

For me the best of both worlds with people like you describe would be getting to enjoy the parts that are tolerable even enjoyable -like the favorite restaurant they go to where you can perhaps get a dessert to go lol - while making white lie excuses to limit the time so that it's not long enough for that headache/stomachache to come on. 

[TechnoRules]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

For me the best of both worlds with people like you describe would be getting to enjoy the parts that are tolerable even enjoyable -like the favorite restaurant they go to where you can perhaps get a dessert to go lol - while making white lie excuses to limit the time so that it's not long enough for that headache/stomachache to come on. 

Oh. I don't need to visit restaurants with them. I'm genuinely not excited by the prospect of them coming to my wedding in the future. I'm that done.

[Seraphim]

Ok, I have heard this story on here before in entirety and in snippets. 
 

Just stay away from your parents. 

[Batya33]

Maybe you'll decide not to have a wedding reception -I didn't see where you had a wedding planned?

[TechnoRules]

10 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Maybe you'll decide not to have a wedding reception -I didn't see where you had a wedding planned?

Lol, I'm thinking far ahead into the future. I'd love to have a wedding reception. 

Idk. Just my entire perspective on them has changed the older I get.

[Batya33]

Just now, TechnoRules said:

Lol, I'm thinking far ahead into the future. I'd love to have a wedding reception. 

Idk. Just my entire perspective on them has changed the older I get.

I understand.  At some points in my life I wanted a wedding reception too.  Since this is far into the future it's probably more than you need to dwell on now as far as feelings about your family attending a wedding reception given all the hypotheticals.  Going there in your head just makes it needlessly complicated.

[Starlight925]

I cut my mother off in my 20's and kept her out of my life for the next 40 years, although I still spoke to her once a week.

I'll explain:  I decided, not much different in age than you, that my mother simply didn't deserve to be in my life.

But like you, I had other family members (like your younger brother) that I loved & adored, and I realized that by cutting my mother completely off, it would cut me off from my other family too.

And then it hit me:  I could have the best of both worlds.  And for 40 years (until her death a couple of years ago), I did!

I backed off from communication, but to keep the appearance of communication, I'd call her once a week, usually on Sundays.  I kept the conversation particularly brief and superficial:  movies, the weather, the latest freeway expansion.  My mother was obnoxious, overly opinionated, and had to be "right" about everything, so if she started off on tangents, I'd listen, say "uh huh" a lot, and then say I had to go.

I also stopped telling her things that were going on in my life.  Who I was dating, who my friends were, stuff about my job.  She'd find out later, after the job was already gotten, after I'd already moved into the new place.  That way, I didn't have to deal with her opinions about these things:  they were already a fait accompli.

I'm sorry to say that, in early 2019, when my mother passed, I didn't shed a tear, nor have I.  And as much as I hate to admit it, instead of sadness, it brought me peace.

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, TechnoRules said:

Also, what do you define as best of both worlds?

Don't burn your bridges.  You get the best of both worlds by maintaining a safe yet cordial relationship.  It's respectful yet distant.  It's kind but not chummy.  You benefit by keeping the peace for yourself and them. 

You control the relationship to your favor.  This is what I would do.  You navigate and steer the ship; not they.  You control the dialogue by keeping it well mannered,  respectful,  kind yet maintain a safe, cool distance.  Keep all contact to the bare minimum for civility's sake.  No more,  no less. 

Practice good diplomacy.  Be peaceful.  No sense engaging in any war with words.  Remain calm,  smart and mindful.  You will be fine. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, TechnoRules said:

. I live only 30 minutes away so I'll have to go over for a visit, and even though 

Agree, you can distance yourself without cutting them off completely.

If you feel letter writing gets things out, that's fine. But don't send it to them because it won't change them or the past. Instead write down and keep your thoughts and consider unpacking and sorting all this out with a therapist.

This way you can begin to redefine yourself apart from them and your relationship with them.

[Cherylyn]

Keep interactions brief and well mannered for in person socializing and electronic communication.  This is how you enforce healthy boundaries.

[Seraphim]

My father and I had limited contact for three decades when he passed away. I wish we could have had more but he had serious mental health issues that prevented that. I miss him everyday even if he wasn’t a good father . 

[catfeeder]

What is your motivation for wanting to cut them off at this time--what would be your end goal?

What would be the desired outcome you envision?

Would there be a feeling of satisfaction from hurting them? If so, how long do you believe that this satisfaction would last?

Can you give yourself some room and time to consider and possibly find other ways to accomplish your goals without making the kind of permanent move that you can't take back and might regret at some point?

[greendots]

On 4/7/2023 at 12:00 PM, TechnoRules said:

Keep in mind amidst all this craziness, I love them, and my parents are still supportive and doting and fillintheblankhere.

If you still love them, despite everything you've been through, why severe ties with them? Your best bet is to keep your distance (enforcing boundaries) but remain civil.

A qualified therapist will certainly help you unpack everything you're going through.

Regarding your mum's birthday, do you have to visit her? Or is there a way you could invite her, say to the movies? No need to talk when at the movies. At most 30 minutes chit-chat before/after seeing it. Or if movies aren't her thing, find an activity that you guys could do that doesn't require much talking. Another option is taking her out for breakfast in the morning... 1 hour talking at most. Then everybody goes back home. That way you spent some quality time with her in a way that won't be too unbearable.

 

[Lambert]

I am not discounting what you have been through. So I hope you don't read it that way... 

I think its almost a rite of passage to see that our parents are flawed, damaged human beings dealing with the drama they went through with their parents and childhood. Just like us.

Not making an excuse for it.  I have a close relationship with both my parents. But I've also witnessed them doing and saying things that are not right in my opinion.

My mother can be a tyrant that lives the phrase "Do as I say, not as I do". They both can be racist, elitist, and antisemitic. Then turn around and profess Christian values. It's a struggle at times. 

But I know that they love me and do the best they can.  People are flawed. We don't have to fix them or even tell them of their "crimes."  

I think the best you can do is keep the peace. Don't send that letter. Don't create drama and conflict. Continue to work on yourself,  building your life and staying true to what you want now. You're an adult. You can walk away and take a break from them when you feel it's too much. 

Always have options. One thing I have learned to avoid conflict- nod, say ok, then do what I do. I don't have to explain. this is my life. 

Sending that letter requires a response... and it won't be a good one.  You telling them off makes them the victim. it won't motivate them to change. 

The only person you control is you.  Live your life and make good choices. Keep writing here. You think being drastic well help but it won't.  as Rev Dr Martin Luther King jr said, hate can not destroy hate. only love can do that. 

love yourself and your life. focus on what is good in your life.  feel how you feel but start letting the past go. we can't change the past no matter how much we focus on it. 

we can only learn from it and make new choices.

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Lambert. 

My relationship with my local mother had always been dicey.  Nowadays,  I visit her every other month,  bring dinner,  clothing and something for her household.  My husband and I visit briefly,  never overstay our welcome,  we exchange pleasantries and then leave.  We do not chat on the phone nor text. 

I have a peaceful yet safely distant rapport with my brother.  It works.  There is a way to have a relationship on your terms and under your control in the healthiest manner for everyone. 

Your control is a good thing because this is what I do.  I control the relationship since mutual control wasn't smooth nor successful.  My control is "Plan B."  I've since exhausted all other avenues so nowadays I control the relationship to my favor and my only regret was I didn't do it sooner! 

You don't have to love nor hate.  Be right in the middle for the sake of peace.  I actually feel rather numb.  I do the bare minimum for civility's sake and it seems to be the ideal formula.  There is no fighting,  no arguments,  everyone tends to be on their best behavior and when I awake in the morning,  all was well the previous day,  today and tomorrow.  Enforcing healthy boundaries reign supreme.