TechnoRules

Lol, I'm thinking far ahead into the future. I'd love to have a wedding reception. Idk. Just my entire perspective on them has changed the older I get.

Oh. I don't need to visit restaurants with them. I'm genuinely not excited by the prospect of them coming to my wedding in the future. I'm that done.

Also, what do you define as best of both worlds?

Low contact basically. For example, my mom and I's birthday is coming up (they're a day apart, so we celebrate them together). I live only 30 minutes away so I'll have to go over for a visit, and even though I don't want to, I'm going to play nice and fake it. How do I do so in the shortest-still-nicest-way possible?

Can you give examples?

If you don't know my history, here it is. I was the second marriage-doted on child. But my 5 half-siblings—who I partially grew up with in a blended home and the kids from his first marriage—is who he abandoned, kicked out, and hated ever since then. Before I was born, they all used to live in another state. My dad separated from his ex-wife after many years of marriage, and his 5 kids lived with their biological mom in the family home while he lived at a cousin’s place, still working and sending money back and visiting. Their mom was by all accounts, terrible, and started a dog breeding business out of the home and left them in filth and would disappear for hours in the middle of the night. It was enough for him to win full custody after their divorce, after which their biological mother completely dropped out the picture. Along the way of all this, my dad met a new woman (my mom), married, and they all moved into her home. One of the first clues I realized—way too late—that my dad was not a good person, is that he recently told me that he absolutely did not want to take custody…of the 5 kids who were living in squalor and absolutely needed him. To him, a blended family would have ended in disaster and those kids all wanted to be with their mom anyway. It was my mom—his new girlfriend/wife—who had to convince him to take custody of his own kids. He told me that as if that was a totally normal, justified thing for him to feel. Crazy, right? I’ll run you quickly through the rest. After a few years, everyone moved down South (except his first daughter who stayed behind, and who he never talked to or talked about again), I was born, and within a few months, his first two sons promptly moved out as soon as they could when they hit 18/19 (telling my parents the day they were moving out. That infuriated my parents, especially my dad, who ignored all their letters after their move and never spoke to them again.) Then my sisters. For one, when she was 21, she got caught in a lie that she was at work when she was really out elsewhere, to which my parents’ assumed was a guy’s place. When she got back home that night, they kicked her out with no belongings/car at 1 am in the morning, literally slammed the door in her crying, begging face. Never talked to her again. Other sister, three years later when she was 22, she also got caught in a lie about not really being at work. They did the whole kicking out routine with her, but went back to go get her and picked her up walking down the street. The next morning, they said you can talk to us about what happened or leave. She packed her bags and left without an explanation. They later guessed the password into her laptop she left behind, found sexts between her and a guy, and told me that as if it was damning evidence of her “crime.” And you know what? I believed it. I was young, which could explain the ignorance, but I even believed it for far too long, way too deep into my adult years, until I woke up. To this day, my dad goes on periodic rants about his 5 children who were never grateful enough to their stepmother and easily calls his daughters out their names (“b*tches”, “h*es”, take your pick). He only talks to one of his sons now. What took me a long time to wrestle with is that my dad was financially generous with both sets of kids, and to a large degree, funny and sweet and caring. It wasn’t Jekyll and Hyde. But it’s clear to me now how my dad was always resented his first set of kids, and they must have always felt that, too. Well, my childhood? Fine until being homeschooled at 12, when which my parents totally neglected to socialize me and I grew up isolated and infantilized, deep into my early 20s. Not allowed to travel alone, not encouraged to get a job, had to go to a commuter college, driven along with deep into having a license…and dating? I’m sure it was banned, and I can only imagine what would have went down if I happened to get myself into a relationship or have sex. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad, with my dad calming down over the years and my mom there to blunt some of his wrath (and naturally more protective of me, her biological daughter. Only one time in my life did my dad call me a “b*tch” and she freaked out on him; but for the other daughters, who “b*tch” has replaced their given names, she stays quiet.). There are so many more details to give, that I won’t do now…you get the picture. Which leads me to being here, on the eve of being 26, having moved out 6 months ago, doing a lot of processing and reflecting and healing over the past few years…and considering sending my parents a letter of how I feel about them and me stepping out their lives. Most of the letter would cite grievances from long ago that didn’t even happen to me, which I’m sure will confuse them. Keep in mind amidst all this craziness, I love them, and my parents are still supportive and doting and fillintheblankhere. Yet, I’ve clearly realized they are delusional people, and my dad has rightly earned the title of enemy in my half-siblings eyes. My respect and love for them has…changed, to say the least. But I wonder what cutting them off will really entail emotionally and mentally…and I worry about my 20-year-old brother (full brother, their son) who will get caught in the crosshairs of all of this. Maybe you'll say I shouldn't cut them off. Maybe it's exactly the right choice. I no longer love and respect the same, after all I've realized. But I wonder what cutting them off will really entail emotionally and mentally.