I watched porn when me and my GF were going through a rough patch

[Chrism170]

Basically, me and my girlfriend went through, and are coming out of a rough patch in our relationship. During the rough patch, due to all the stress I ended up watching porn quite a few times in order to get a “release”

 

Sometimes I would use PH. However, a lot of the time I would look at OnlyFans leaks. Scrolling through TikTok, I would come across a lot of girls who do OnlyFans. I’d check their profiles, which normally has links to their OnlyFans pages. A quick google of their username normally came up with websites, and forums with people posting some of the content from these people. I would make throwaway accounts on these forums just to see the links to content. But I never EVER posted or commented asking for links. 

 

I did once came across someone who had a free trial to their OnlyFans which I quickly subbed to, but just as quickly closed it down. I didn’t enter any card details. I already had an old account from before me and my girlfriend were together, that I used to sub to free trials. I quickly logged in with this, then closed it down afterwards. 

 

I never messaged, or paid any money to any OnlyFans models or E Girls. I simply came across their profiles, and looked for existing free content on the internet. I don’t have any connection or feelings to any of these content creators. A lot were from different countries. I simply needed a release to get into a different mindset and help with the stress. 

 

I think I just like amateur content? 

 

This lasted a couple of months. And then I started to watch normal PH videos after that. 

 

I’m currently in therapy and learned that I’m always finding something to make me anxious and sabotage my relationships. I always think of things that I might’ve done wrong in the relationship and get an extreme guilty feeling in my chest, and I have to own up and be honest with my girlfriend for it to go away. 

 

I felt sick to my stomach and anxious over watching this porn. My girlfriend could tell something was wrong, so last night I had to tell her. I just told her I feel guilty because I had to watch porn to get a release from the stress. I didn’t go into details of watching OnlyFans leaks and searching for specific models content. 

 

She said she doesn’t care, but that she would rather be ignorant to it. However, I can tell she is hurt. 

 

I still feel guilty that I never told her about the content I searched for. Does it still count as watching normal porn? Have I gone too far, and should she know in case I’ve crossed her boundaries?

 

I’m not going to continue watching it in the future. I’ve stopped. 

 

I just feel awful.

 

TLDR: I looked for and watched free OnlyFans content/leaks when going through a rough patch with my girlfriend. She knows I watched porn but I feel guilty because I didn’t specifically tell her what I looked for.

[felurian]

Hi there, 

to start, I find it commendable that you are concerned about crossing your gfs boundaries. It shows that you care for her feelings and genuinely want to do right by her. Only you and your gf can determine the boundaries you have relating to porn/types of porn. I think engaging her in an honest discussion about what it is you both want out the relationship would be prudent. 
 

Maybe she is okay with PH, but not onlyfans. Maybe deep down, she isn’t a fan of porn at all. After having those discussions, then you can determine how YOU feel about porn in a relationship and if your values align with hers.
 

I hope you two are able to find a compromise. In the interim, give yourself some grace. There are so many who hide their porn usage from their partners without regard for how their secret activities may effect their spouse. It’s awesome that you care enough to be forthcoming with her. 

[Kwothe28]

I dont really think there is too much difference between amateur porn and OnlyFans. In both cases its bunch of nobodies selling their bodies there. Maybe I would feel differently if you paid/interacted with some of those girls. There are people who do that kind of stuff and create some kind of "connection" between them and Onlyfans women which is mostly in their head. But you just watched which is what you did with porn. You just wanted fresh masturbation material. Dont think your girlfriend needs those details.

Which do stems to a bigger issue. And why you felt excessive need to seek those kind of materials. I am not the one to be a puritan about the porn. But excessive use leads to many issues. It may lead to addiction, you may become difficult to arouse during real sex, you can lose interest in your partner, and as you can see(we also have a bunch of other threads where women are complaining about their men) partner may view all of that in negative connotation which could put a strain on your relationship. So if you think porn is creating a problem, you should at least talk to your therapist about it.

[smackie9]

So you watched porn...Your private time is your private time. What you get off on or fantasize about or how you release is no one's business, and not hers. You hurt her needlessly.  

[CrazyWife]

I personally don't see the issue with you watching porn or looking at these girl's pictures. You didn't interact etc but we all have different views and boundaries on such things. 

Your girlfriend didn't seem too bothered but it sounds like she doesn't want to know since she said she wants to be ignorant to it. I would just keep stuff like that on the down low. 

[boltnrun]

Sometimes I fantasize about men other than my partner. In fact last night I had a very racy dream about a man I've known since he was 18 (he's in his 40s now). It doesn't mean I actually want to have sex with those men or would do so given the opportunity. I wouldn't. 

I would not disclose anymore of these things to your girlfriend. Remain faithful to her physically and emotionally. But don't create issues when there aren't any. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

So you watched porn...Your private time is your private time. What you get off on or fantasize about or how you release is no one's business, and not hers. You hurt her needlessly.  

I agree.  I'd learn not to use your girlfriend -or anyone else -to unburden your guilt when it involves hurting the other person to this extent.

[gamon]

The bigger issue here is the one you haven't mentioned but is as clear as your reflection in the mirror.

You're a beta guy, who lets fear and his girlfriend dictate his every move.

Ironically, that fear and weakness will drive her away faster than any viewing of porn.

 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Chrism170 said:

She said she doesn’t care, but that she would rather be ignorant to it. 

Go with what she suggested. Try let the dust settle. Don't go into gorey details. Just discuss your relationship and that you're doing what you want to improve things.

[dias]

"I watched porn when me and my GF were going through a rough patch"

Life sentence for this act of misconduct. 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Chrism170 said:

I’m currently in therapy and learned that I’m always finding something to make me anxious and sabotage my relationships. 

This is a good place to start. You seem to have an inordinate amount of guilt, shame and anxiety. Focus on that rather than how much or what type of porn you used to masturbate.

You don't need to discuss the details of your masturbation habits with her. But you do need to address your anxiety and depression and the intense self loathing and guilt.

What were the "rough patches" about? Also focus on the overall quality of the relationship and sort out whatever conflicts there are.