How to stop giving people power over me

[CrazyWife]

Well, I am not as bad as what I used to be in regards to this and are making marked improvements. But this mainly happens at work (sometimes outside work too especially with certain family members) but I let people's remarks or comments affect my self esteem and self worth. If they disagree with me or rude to me then it's my fault and i'm wrong / worthless. 

I know that no one makes me feel this way but me however I can't allow myself to accept that I have that power and not them. It's like I give people power over my emotions and self worth. 

I am working on my confidence at work which is difficult but a work in progress! I am voicing opinions more etc but stumble at times when met with difficult people but as I said but still let negative self talk win. I worry about making a fool of myself and not knowing what to say bit maybe sometimes with difficult people that silence can win too? Choose your battles etc...?

Anyone have any good exercises, books etc...to help me with this last part in getting my self esteem finally? I care too much what others think of me. It's tough working on yourself. 

But almost two years sober which is a struggle too but again worth it. Maybe got to realise me self esteem is worth fighting for too and stop seeking validation outside.

[Batya33]

I would look into Martha Beck's work. Also I would read -these are novels - Elizabeth Strout's Olive Kitteridge books.  For many this is a work in progress!

[CrazyWife]

50 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I would look into Martha Beck's work. Also I would read -these are novels - Elizabeth Strout's Olive Kitteridge books.  For many this is a work in progress!

Thank you. I will look into this.

[Kwothe28]

Nobody is really immune to that. Whether its an opinion of parents, friends or even Bosses. I learned to look at it through a prism of why people are like they are and why they said it. And learned to just ignore some comments. Just take it to one ear and gone to another. Some people would say some stuff deliberately or pull some stuff from their own life and take it on you. That isnt a reflection on you but on them. So you just dont take those comments at heart. 

However, sorry but you seem(from this thread and others you posted) like an extreme case. The ones that get demoralized by even smallest obstacles and one who seeks validation so much that always wonders if the other person would be mad at them for even smallest inconviniences. For that state no self- help book is going to help you. You need therapy. Its good that you are sober now. However this needs work too. And its maybe best to work with the professional about it. 

[CrazyWife]

2 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Nobody is really immune to that. Whether its an opinion of parents, friends or even Bosses. I learned to look at it through a prism of why people are like they are and why they said it. And learned to just ignore some comments. Just take it to one ear and gone to another. Some people would say some stuff deliberately or pull some stuff from their own life and take it on you. That isnt a reflection on you but on them. So you just dont take those comments at heart. 

However, sorry but you seem(from this thread and others you posted) like an extreme case. The ones that get demoralized by even smallest obstacles and one who seeks validation so much that always wonders if the other person would be mad at them for even smallest inconviniences. For that state no self- help book is going to help you. You need therapy. Its good that you are sober now. However this needs work too. And its maybe best to work with the professional about it. 

Thank you. I have worked with a professional therapist before and will consider it again. 

[Cherylyn]

Are you sure I didn't write this?  You must be my long lost twin!

I can't speak for others but in the past,  I was hurt very easily.  My husband always told me that I should have thicker skin. 

@Lambert was extremely helpful, compassionate and kind.  Thank you @Lambert 🥰

I think the reason why I am the way I am is because I've been so shielded and protected in my safe haven bubble that whenever insults were hurled in my direction courtesy of some relatives and extended family members,  I really took it to heart.  It took me a long time to recover from the damage it had caused in relationships.

First it's instant, stabbing pain,  lingering pain,  anger,  then thinking long and hard.  Wisdom sets in and finally RELIEF once estrangement is well established and permanently crystal clear.  It's a process in order to truly heal and feel victorious instead of defeat.

I've actually had an easier time at the workplace especially after I switched jobs because my colleagues are very good to me. 

You're not worthless.  Whenever anyone says anything cutting,  they're vying for position and not necessarily hating your guts or anything like that.  I've worked with people like that especially during my night shift / graveyard shift years.  They were scum of the earth.  I handled it the best I could at the time and that's what it took to earn a paycheck.   However, I didn't stay there too long and made my exit much to my relief and economic gain.

You can't control what people say but you need to tell yourself that they don't have the authority to measure your self worth.  You know who you are.  Be strong and tough.  Unhappy people are mean people. 

Don't care what other people think.  Focus on yourself.  Take good care of yourself.  I prefer to forgo a lot of people in my life in order to prioritize myself.  There were too many years of self neglect.  I'm not that person anymore.  I take care of my health, make sure my manicure and pedicure looks beautiful every week, frequent my local hair salon, enjoy chic clothes, shoes and I have a penchant for pretty handbags.  I already have pretty fine jewelry so that is all set.  It's a real self confidence booster.  I like to look good and put together.  It helps boost my daily self esteem a lot. 

Congratulations on your sobriety!  Keep up the great work. 🙂

What has helped me with resilience is a number of factors.  I exercise daily without excuses.  I just about almost froze to death exercising today but I equate coldness to test my toughness.  Blessedly, I finished and I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was.  I also equate coldness with how people have treated me terribly.  I could've easily remained indoors while sipping hot chocolate but braved my workout during inclement weather instead.  I feel as if I defeat people if I can handle that type of cold weather.  It builds true grit in one's spirit which no one can defeat.  It made me feel victorious which applies to everyone who had sorely wronged me in my life.  I eat better when I'm self disciplined and I feel so much better daily.  I never want to become a lazy, overweight sloth.  Ugh. 

I can handle people better nowadays.  In the past, I cowered a lot.  People aren't so scary to me anymore.  I was timid long ago.  Not anymore. 

I also practice gratitude.  I have a great husband and sons.  I emulate my husband a lot.  He's tough and strong so he's a positive influence.  Our sons are the same. 

I feel protected by my tall, strong husband and sons.  They envelope me and they're my shields.  My husband is my buffer.  Nowadays, I defer to him.  I really don't have to deal with anybody.  People have to take it up with him before they get to me so they tend to tread lightly which makes me giddy. 😏 😉

Everyone is healthy.  Economics are thriving due to helpful, wise tips and hints from my FIL (father-in-law).  I live a settled, established, very stable life in my peaceful, quiet suburban neighborhood.  This builds my self esteem and self confidence.  Life is stable and very comfortable.  I don't have to lower my expectations because my expectations and results were met due to years of toil,  sacrifice, perseverance and fruition.  No pain,  no gain. 

I pick and choose my friends wisely.  I have amazing, very close local friends.  They are tremendous moral boosters. 

With some "difficult" relatives and in-laws,  we are at peace and everyone stays in their own lane.  We enforce very good boundaries.  It works.  No one bothers each other. 

Security comes from counting my many blessings.  I feel very lucky and fortunate.

You don't need to seek validation nor approval from anyone.  Be your own person. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

But almost two years sober which is a struggle too but again worth it. Maybe got to realise me self esteem is worth fighting for too and stop seeking validation outside.

This is the key.  Continue to stay true to yourself. If people are rude or argumentive, it's never pleasant. That's not "giving away power", it's just dealing with boorish people.

All you need to do is know where you end and someone else begins. Whoever they are and whatever they think actually has nothing to do with you or who you are .

[Jibralta]

9 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Whenever anyone says anything cutting,  they're vying for position and not necessarily hating your guts or anything like that.

I think Cherylyn makes a good point. I've experienced this too, and it sucks. To get through it, I had to diligently remind myself of what my goals were and stay focused on them. Even when people were being absolutely rotten to me, I paid attention. I watched them make mistakes that I could have helped them avoid. I put that validation in the bank for a later date.

Each time I've changed jobs, I've come away stronger and wiser. I think back a lot to those times, and I try to understand the motivation of those people. I think it's as Cherylyn says: they're vying for position. But there's a good way to do that and a bad way.

Working with stupidly competitive people has been a blessing in disguise. I realized that bridges burn both ways, and I have a choice, too. As I get deeper into my career, I now know which people are good to work with, and which people are useless. 

[CrazyWife]

10 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Are you sure I didn't write this?  You must be my long lost twin!

I can't speak for others but in the past,  I was hurt very easily.  My husband always told me that I should have thicker skin. 

@Lambert was extremely helpful, compassionate and kind.  Thank you @Lambert 🥰

I think the reason why I am the way I am is because I've been so shielded and protected in my safe haven bubble that whenever insults were hurled in my direction courtesy of some relatives and extended family members,  I really took it to heart.  It took me a long time to recover from the damage it had caused in relationships.

First it's instant, stabbing pain,  lingering pain,  anger,  then thinking long and hard.  Wisdom sets in and finally RELIEF once estrangement is well established and permanently crystal clear.  It's a process in order to truly heal and feel victorious instead of defeat.

I've actually had an easier time at the workplace especially after I switched jobs because my colleagues are very good to me. 

You're not worthless.  Whenever anyone says anything cutting,  they're vying for position and not necessarily hating your guts or anything like that.  I've worked with people like that especially during my night shift / graveyard shift years.  They were scum of the earth.  I handled it the best I could at the time and that's what it took to earn a paycheck.   However, I didn't stay there too long and made my exit much to my relief and economic gain.

You can't control what people say but you need to tell yourself that they don't have the authority to measure your self worth.  You know who you are.  Be strong and tough.  Unhappy people are mean people. 

Don't care what other people think.  Focus on yourself.  Take good care of yourself.  I prefer to forgo a lot of people in my life in order to prioritize myself.  There were too many years of self neglect.  I'm not that person anymore.  I take care of my health, make sure my manicure and pedicure looks beautiful every week, frequent my local hair salon, enjoy chic clothes, shoes and I have a penchant for pretty handbags.  I already have pretty fine jewelry so that is all set.  It's a real self confidence booster.  I like to look good and put together.  It helps boost my daily self esteem a lot. 

Congratulations on your sobriety!  Keep up the great work. 🙂

What has helped me with resilience is a number of factors.  I exercise daily without excuses.  I just about almost froze to death exercising today but I equate coldness to test my toughness.  Blessedly, I finished and I'm a lot tougher than I thought I was.  I also equate coldness with how people have treated me terribly.  I could've easily remained indoors while sipping hot chocolate but braved my workout during inclement weather instead.  I feel as if I defeat people if I can handle that type of cold weather.  It builds true grit in one's spirit which no one can defeat.  It made me feel victorious which applies to everyone who had sorely wronged me in my life.  I eat better when I'm self disciplined and I feel so much better daily.  I never want to become a lazy, overweight sloth.  Ugh. 

I can handle people better nowadays.  In the past, I cowered a lot.  People aren't so scary to me anymore.  I was timid long ago.  Not anymore. 

I also practice gratitude.  I have a great husband and sons.  I emulate my husband a lot.  He's tough and strong so he's a positive influence.  Our sons are the same. 

I feel protected by my tall, strong husband and sons.  They envelope me and they're my shields.  My husband is my buffer.  Nowadays, I defer to him.  I really don't have to deal with anybody.  People have to take it up with him before they get to me so they tend to tread lightly which makes me giddy. 😏 😉

Everyone is healthy.  Economics are thriving due to helpful, wise tips and hints from my FIL (father-in-law).  I live a settled, established, very stable life in my peaceful, quiet suburban neighborhood.  This builds my self esteem and self confidence.  Life is stable and very comfortable.  I don't have to lower my expectations because my expectations and results were met due to years of toil,  sacrifice, perseverance and fruition.  No pain,  no gain. 

I pick and choose my friends wisely.  I have amazing, very close local friends.  They are tremendous moral boosters. 

With some "difficult" relatives and in-laws,  we are at peace and everyone stays in their own lane.  We enforce very good boundaries.  It works.  No one bothers each other. 

Security comes from counting my many blessings.  I feel very lucky and fortunate.

You don't need to seek validation nor approval from anyone.  Be your own person. 

Thank you so much for this lovely response ❤️

[CrazyWife]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I think Cherylyn makes a good point. I've experienced this too, and it sucks. To get through it, I had to diligently remind myself of what my goals were and stay focused on them. Even when people were being absolutely rotten to me, I paid attention. I watched them make mistakes that I could have helped them avoid. I put that validation in the bank for a later date.

Each time I've changed jobs, I've come away stronger and wiser. I think back a lot to those times, and I try to understand the motivation of those people. I think it's as Cherylyn says: they're vying for position. But there's a good way to do that and a bad way.

Working with stupidly competitive people has been a blessing in disguise. I realized that bridges burn both ways, and I have a choice, too. As I get deeper into my career, I now know which people are good to work with, and which people are useless. 

Thank you. Yes your right, we need to navigate our way when working with people like this. But I need to not let them have so much control over my emotions. I let people suck the life out of me but at the same time I tend to give them the straw.

[Lambert]

thank you @Cherylynfor the shout out! It feels good to know we've connected and I was a help! ❤️

@CrazyWife I think most people can relate to your feelings.  I know i can.  i used to care a lot more about what other people thought or I'd let them hurt me, feeling like they know better than i do. 

In my case, I think I have been disappointed by so many people.  Sad as that sounds... eventually I learned to focus on the only thing I can control- me, my actions, my thoughts. 

Just like sobriety. Congrats, BTW. If you can overcome addiction everyday, minute by minute, you can control your thoughts. one thought at a time.  

When you have a bad thought, stop it right then and redirect your thought to an affirmation (Google it) that supports you.  

when you are talking to yourself be supportive! Try to be present in the current moment- not the past, not the future- right now.  You can't change the past, but you can make new choices going forward.  

It takes practice. Keep trying. I personally have found yoga, meditation and breathing exercises to be life changing. Maybe look into it. 

Good luck! 

[CrazyWife]

19 minutes ago, Lambert said:

thank you @Cherylynfor the shout out! It feels good to know we've connected and I was a help! ❤️

@CrazyWife I think most people can relate to your feelings.  I know i can.  i used to care a lot more about what other people thought or I'd let them hurt me, feeling like they know better than i do. 

In my case, I think I have been disappointed by so many people.  Sad as that sounds... eventually I learned to focus on the only thing I can control- me, my actions, my thoughts. 

Just like sobriety. Congrats, BTW. If you can overcome addiction everyday, minute by minute, you can control your thoughts. one thought at a time.  

When you have a bad thought, stop it right then and redirect your thought to an affirmation (Google it) that supports you.  

when you are talking to yourself be supportive! Try to be present in the current moment- not the past, not the future- right now.  You can't change the past, but you can make new choices going forward.  

It takes practice. Keep trying. I personally have found yoga, meditation and breathing exercises to be life changing. Maybe look into it. 

Good luck! 

Thank you. Yes, I have done some meditation and yoga but maybe need to look into it. I have messaged my previous therapist so hopefully I can get some useful tools too. 

[itsallgrand]

Huge congrats on your continued sobriety. 

Here's my thinking reading your post. It's possible that you haven't been using those muscles or developing those skills because using was your coping method before? So this is a new skill set to learn like any other. Wanting to learn and improve is a wonderful trait. Everyone, everyone!, has things to learn in life. 

Thinking of the skills you want to learn I first thought of an advocacy course. I've known quite a few people who have benefited from them and it helped them to claim their voice. I was part of some myself many years ago in relation to my work. It's essentially about communication skills. It might be helpful for you.

There's volunteer opportunities too where you can work those muscles. Serving on a board, for example. Helping in organizing events. I'm sure there's much more! Anything that requires communication and working with various personalities/people.

I firmly believe we learn by doing and self confident comes by accomplishment. It doesn't have to be high stakes nor even directly related. Anything you can do to push yourself a bit will build that confidence. 

Good luck. 

[CrazyWife]

52 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Huge congrats on your continued sobriety. 

Here's my thinking reading your post. It's possible that you haven't been using those muscles or developing those skills because using was your coping method before? So this is a new skill set to learn like any other. Wanting to learn and improve is a wonderful trait. Everyone, everyone!, has things to learn in life. 

Thinking of the skills you want to learn I first thought of an advocacy course. I've known quite a few people who have benefited from them and it helped them to claim their voice. I was part of some myself many years ago in relation to my work. It's essentially about communication skills. It might be helpful for you.

There's volunteer opportunities too where you can work those muscles. Serving on a board, for example. Helping in organizing events. I'm sure there's much more! Anything that requires communication and working with various personalities/people.

I firmly believe we learn by doing and self confident comes by accomplishment. It doesn't have to be high stakes nor even directly related. Anything you can do to push yourself a bit will build that confidence. 

Good luck. 

Yes, beforehand if i was put up against nasty people or challenging situations, I drank to deal with it. Now i'm here, trying to deal with it head on. 

I have signed up to be a volunteer and a board member for a charity i feel passionate about. I really want to build on my confidence hence why I have put so much work into it and working on my anxiety levels too. I am getting there but I have tough times. But surely with tough times comes strength. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, CrazyWife said:

Yes, beforehand if i was put up against nasty people or challenging situations, I drank to deal with it. Now i'm here, trying to deal with it head on. 

I have signed up to be a volunteer and a board member for a charity i feel passionate about. I really want to build on my confidence hence why I have put so much work into it and working on my anxiety levels too. I am getting there but I have tough times. But surely with tough times comes strength. 

I so admire your spunk and self knowledge.  Intense cardio every morning very often helps me deal with nasty people/interactions and challenging situations. I sometimes even visualize the specific person or situation as I'm working out.  It helps.

[CrazyWife]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I so admire your spunk and self knowledge.  Intense cardio every morning very often helps me deal with nasty people/interactions and challenging situations. I sometimes even visualize the specific person or situation as I'm working out.  It helps.

Thank you ❤️ I will keep that in mind as i too need to work on my physical health which in turn helps mental resiliance. 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, CrazyWife said:

Thank you ❤️ I will keep that in mind as i too need to work on my physical health which in turn helps mental resiliance. 

On that note -the last 2 days I did just that -I was really tired from solo parenting that coincided with one appliance seeming to break and a broken thermostat plus a loose bracket on my child's braces.  I am not a napper.  I have to be really exhausted and I wasn't really exhausted but I realized I was so irritable and sluggish - and I made myself nap yesterday and today - for my well-being -same as you wrote above -I decided to prioritize my health so I could make better choices and be kinder and less irritable. It all helps!

[CrazyWife]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

On that note -the last 2 days I did just that -I was really tired from solo parenting that coincided with one appliance seeming to break and a broken thermostat plus a loose bracket on my child's braces.  I am not a napper.  I have to be really exhausted and I wasn't really exhausted but I realized I was so irritable and sluggish - and I made myself nap yesterday and today - for my well-being -same as you wrote above -I decided to prioritize my health so I could make better choices and be kinder and less irritable. It all helps!

Funny how you mention naps as I was thinking I hadn't had one in a while and tried to make room for them but was too filled with overthinking. Might be my aim for Saturday!