Three people of a triangle love story

[littlesoulme]

Unable to choose the life partner

I am a 28-year-old female. My story begins in my bachelor days. I met a guy in the final year of my college, and we were in a holy relationship. Each day I dreamed of a family life with him, and he was the ideal person in my dreams. We dated and were in a relationship for almost one year. Meanwhile, I had seen a few unmatched behaviours in his character, which I hadn't seen when we were friends. He was arrogant and toxic. Slowly I realised that he has a narcist nature inherited from his family. He has a terribly broken family history, and his dad is also the same as this and treats his mom in a toxic way. But in the meantime, I suffered from victim syndrome and could not move on from Him. We can call him Steve.

Some, how I managed to come out. It took almost six years to decide to accept someone and married to him. He was a friend and witnessed all the ups and downs that happened in my life. One of my fried. We can call him Jermi. I have known Jermi as a friend for five years, and he has been interested in me from the beginning; he is a normal guy typically living in his comfort zone. Not many high dreams or ambitions in life. Typical normie. I married him, and I thought it would work great. But my bad luck, I could not love him because I never felt he was not giving any effort into me after the marriage. The truth is he was not my type. We fought and argued, but I was unable to find the cause. I don't even feel any physical intimacy with him. Lots of things happened in between. I tried to fix it, but I couldn't. All these years, I completed my master's and joined for my PhD. After all the efforts and silence, we filed for divorce.

At my Masters's level, I found my soul mate friend. Like my family, I can discuss everything that happened in my daily life, and he is non-judgmental. He values, respects, cares for, and loves me. The ideal person, josh, is a husband type, a family man. He was ready to accept me with all the good and bad in me.

But the problem is, I realized that I still have not overcome Steve. All the sexual fantasies, love, lust, everything I'm feeling only with that guy. At one point, when I was lonely, I unblocked his contact and started talking. I couldn't resist him. But josh is a good person, and I don't want to cheat him. But still, one part of me is craving for Steve. At the same time, Jermi is coming back and asking for one more chance and making more efforts to save the marriage. Whom do I have to choose?

Jermi, josh, Steve

[Wiseman2]

44 minutes ago, littlesoulme said:

 one part of me is craving for Steve. At the same time, Jermi is coming back Whom do I have to choose?

Were these arranged marriages? You're divorced from Jermi, so that's over. You're not in a relationship with Steve because "he's toxic", so it seems your only option is Josh. 

If you are generally unhappy and longing, perhaps therapy could help you explore why.  Why are you still communicating with all these exes when you are in a relationship with Josh?

[Kwothe28]

Go for Steve, with your kind of thinking right now you dont deserve more then Steve now. Maybe if you go through therapy and cure that toxic mindset you deserve somebody like Josh in the future.

[littlesoulme]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Were these arranged marriages? You're divorced from Jermi, so that's over. You're not in a relationship with Steve because "he's toxic", so it seems your only option is Josh. 

If you are generally unhappy and longing, perhaps therapy could help you explore why.  Why are you still communicating with all these exes when you are in a relationship with Josh?

Can you please mention what kind of therapy you are suggesting?

[Batya33]

Seems to me you are more into the idea of a relationship then reality and you enjoy chasing after men who don't treat you with respect - it's a sexual turn on for you.  You also give yourself excuses like "I couldn't resist." If you want to be in a committed relationship that is healthy the "couldn't resist" can never be an excuse as a responsible adult (with extremely rare exceptions yours not being one of them IMO).

So yes therapy with a trained therapist who won't let you indulge in pie in the sky fantasy language and will make you get real with yourself.  I'm sorry you're finding relationships so challenging.

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, littlesoulme said:

Can you please mention what kind of therapy you are suggesting?

A licensed qualified therapist who can help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive and satisfying thoughts and behaviors. Someone who can unpack, sort out and explore why you're confused and unhappy in relationships. This way you can find happiness with the right man.

[SooSad33]

I suggest you don't choose anyone.

YOU need some serious down time to focus on YOU for a while.

You've got a history with a challenging, Toxic man ( Steve), then you married & divorced ( Jermi).. and now.. Josh?  Whollay.

Meanwhile, you are still 'stuck' on your past with Steve. 😕 .

Tell me, just how are you doing at this time, mentally... emotionally? ( confused at all?).

Nah, you can't consider a decent future with anyone UNTIL you know you are truly done with all of this, your past - with Steve and Jermi. 

If you think about it, how would it all be affecting this 'new guy'. Josh, with knowing your past & knowing you're still hung up on Steve?  Selfish act, right? 😕 .

Then stop.  Stop all of this and yeah, seek some professional help to help you 'work through' your lingering issue's. Because, deep down you already know that Steve is NOT good for you!

Slow it all down.  Focus on your issue's and do not go dragging another man into this.

Move on only when you know you are okay in heart & mind.

[smackie9]

here we go again....we get this type of thread all the time and my answer is none of them. None of them are suitable. one is a toxic narcist, one is incompatible and unable to fulfill your expectations, and the last guy you feel no real sexual attraction for, he only looks good on paper. You will not be happy with any of them, especially as a life partner. You need to get your priorities straight. You can't jump at a guy that the only thing going for him is that he gives you attention and is willing to marry you. 3 bad choices=no choice. Keep looking. 

[Jaunty]

Sounds like a Lifetime movie.  

In real life,  you will have to deal with your own serious issues or just go from one untenable situation to the next until you're too old to care.

[redswim30]

NONE of them! 

Be alone right now.  Not only because you don't really know what you want, but because - 

NO RELATIONSHIP CAN FIX YOUR INNER ISSUES 

Please read that over and over again. 

Too often people think " If only I meet the perfect person, then my problems will go away and I'll never want more." 

This is flawed logic in multiple directions.

1.  There's no such things as the perfect person.  Every relationship has problems, and every single person is going to have qualities you like better and like less than others.  You can't go around comparing every little thing, or you'll never be satisfied.  You have to choose WHAT values are most important to you and seek those.  But no one person is going to be perfect. 

2. NO ONE can make you happy but yourself.  Even in the best of relationships, no one can make you personally happy. 

3. You're going to have struggles in any relationship you have.  ALL relationships have ruts, mundane periods, etc. You're going to occasionally want more/better in THEORY (acting on it is a separate thing, but IMO if most people are honest, the DESIRE for someone new will pop up at least occasionally- whether it's a dry spell, a difficult hurdle or a simple rut in the relationship)  Only you're asexual or DEAD- you're going to find other people attractive, interesting, see qualities in other people that you like.  This does not mean you should keep jumping from person to person, because you could do that til the end of time, but also because it's not going to ultimately make YOU happy anyway. 

I'm in a much healthier 2nd marriage than my first.  But, there's still things/traits about my first husband that I prefer- he was better with technology, he was more ambitious, he had more surface level interests in common with me.  However, those are just TRAITS and surface things and doesn't mean we were a better match.  My current husband and I share the MOST IMPORTANT VALUES that I did NOT share with my ex.  But if I wanted to, I could sit down and nitpick minor issues/traits about my husband that I did not like or go looking for those little things elsewhere- another guy likes video games more! But at some point you make a CHOICE as to what is most important to you and you let go of the small insignificant details.  

I strongly recommend seeking individual counseling.   Look to solve your inner problems, and not using the band aid of a relationship to do so. 

[Cherylyn]

Josh seems to be the winner out of the 3 but don't waste his energy, heart and soul in a relationship or marriage until you have your act together and know what you want otherwise you're just wasting everyone's time.  Be true to yourself before you're with anyone and make sure your decision is final and absolute. 

Don't waffle.  Know what you want or don't be with anyone.