Mental health and dating

[NIN2000]

I’ve been dating someone for 10 months and a disturbing pattern has materialized which is jeopardizing our relationship.

For the most part our relationship is excellent. However, every 30 days, 1 week prior to her menstrual cycle, my girlfriend becomes very tired and sleeps 12, 14 or 16 hours a day. She then develops severe migraines and she withdraws from me. Any conversation during this timeframe is misconstrued -what was a joke yesterday becomes offensive leading to a fight. 

Once her cycle begins her attitude changes for the better. However, she doesn’t seem to understand the damage created from our arguments prior to her cycle.

Anyone experienced anything like this?

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

I’ve been dating someone for 10 months and a disturbing pattern has materialized which is jeopardizing our relationship.

For the most part our relationship is excellent. However, every 30 days, 1 week prior to her menstrual cycle, my girlfriend becomes very tired and sleeps 12, 14 or 16 hours a day. She then develops severe migraines and she withdraws from me. Any conversation during this timeframe is misconstrued -what was a joke yesterday becomes offensive leading to a fight. 

Once her cycle begins her attitude changes for the better. However, she doesn’t seem to understand the damage created from our arguments prior to her cycle.

Anyone experienced anything like this?

She is possibly experiencing dysmenorrhea.  It's a terrible disorder that causes all sorts of unpleasant and painful symptoms including mood changes.

I would tell her you love her and are concerned about her health.  You understand she doesn't feel well at all at times and you're sorry about that.   Ask her if she would like to see her doctor for some relief from the pain and discomfort.  Do NOT suggest this while she's experiencing symptoms!

Trust me, it isn't fun for her either.  I used to get terrible PMS and also suffered from mood extremes when I hadn't eaten (low blood sugar issues).  I could hear myself behaving terribly, hated that I was doing it, but wasn't able to stop myself.  I finally sought treatment and am much better now.

[Cherylyn]

She won't change.  Accept her volatile personality during her PMS phase or avoid her during PMS.  Or, choose a woman who is easier to get along with despite her monthly cycle. 

It's her decision to seek medical help if she wants it that is.   Her severe migraines sound excruciatingly painful. 

You need to determine whether or not you can tolerate dating this type of woman long term.  You'll have to have the patience of a saint if you decide to continue a relationship with her beyond 10 months. 

 

[NIN2000]

Thank you for your response. However, there is more to this story. 
 

my girlfriend suffers from depression and is heavily medicated. No matter, 5 days before her cycle she starts to withdraw from me, sleep 14 hours a day and develop severe headaches.

A week later, after her symptoms pass, she returns to normal and doesn’t even acknowledge her destructive behavior from before.

[Cherylyn]

Either she should seek additional medical help or you need a new girlfriend. 

She won't change.  You have to change by redirecting your life and being with a stable woman. 

[Batya33]

27 minutes ago, NIN2000 said:

Thank you for your response. However, there is more to this story. 
 

my girlfriend suffers from depression and is heavily medicated. No matter, 5 days before her cycle she starts to withdraw from me, sleep 14 hours a day and develop severe headaches.

A week later, after her symptoms pass, she returns to normal and doesn’t even acknowledge her destructive behavior from before.

I’m so sorry she suffers that way. I don’t think this is the right relationship for you. Once a month like this is significant IMO.
One of the hardest things I had to learn in my marriage and as a mom was how to be very aware that my moods and my energy can permeate the house.

I have no mental illness. I simply get overwhelmed and stressed and anxious at times. I married at 42 and had a baby right away and had never officially lived with anyone and also moved far away after around 43 years in the same city.
So I had to learn and hone coping strategies. Sometimes I’ll do it by taking space if I can to avoid venting or expressing negativity. Or I force myself to interact whether in person or texting in a calm reasonable way then take it out on the treadmill or by scrubbing my floor. I very often pause and self talk / do I really need to send my husband another email about another task that needs doing or can it wait so instead of receiving 3 emails when he first wakes up he gets one or none and I can follow up in person. or yes I’m angry or frustrated but how about I talk about it later when I’m calmer  it’s so hard not to react impulsively  and it’s one of my responsibilities as an adult and a spouse and a mom  

your gf is not willing or able to practice self control when she feels out of control.
 Every single month and as a long term thing I promise you the good won’t outweigh the bad and you’ll find yourself avoiding typical social activities and tasks and errands as you walk on eggshells. Every Single Month. She’s already shown you this is who she is and not gonna change. 

[boltnrun]

I have to have some degree of sympathy for how she feels. 

Like I mentioned, I suffered from a similar condition on a lesser level.  It's possible that she isn't willingly being a shrew.  I know I wasn't.  I literally could not control it.  Dysmenorrhea is a legitimate medical condition.  So is PMDD. Thousands of women suffer from it.  It is real.  They don't just get moderate cramps or feel cranky. It's far beyond that.  You can't just decide you're not going to be cranky.  I guarantee she isn't enjoying this either.

https://www.med.unc.edu/psych/wmd/resources/mood-disorders/menstrually-related/

She would need to talk to her doctor about her symptoms and ask for diagnosis and treatment.

Have you asked her during a calm time if she would like to talk to her doctor? 

[NIN2000]

She would need to talk to her doctor about her symptoms and ask for diagnosis and treatment.

Have you asked her during a calm time if she would like to talk to her doctor? 
 

 

my girlfriend is in the medical field and thinks “she knows everything” I’ve begged her to get help but she refuses.

 

 

[boltnrun]

In that case, she is who she is. You can either resign yourself to dealing with this every four weeks for however long your relationship manages to last or you can end it and have some peace.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I have to have some degree of sympathy for how she feels. 

Like I mentioned, I suffered from a similar condition on a lesser level.  It's possible that she isn't willingly being a shrew.  I know I wasn't.  I literally could not control it.  Dysmenorrhea is a legitimate medical condition.  So is PMDD. Thousands of women suffer from it.  It is real.  They don't just get moderate cramps or feel cranky. It's far beyond that.  You can't just decide you're not going to be cranky.  I guarantee she isn't enjoying this either.

https://www.med.unc.edu/psych/wmd/resources/mood-disorders/menstrually-related/

She would need to talk to her doctor about her symptoms and ask for diagnosis and treatment.

Have you asked her during a calm time if she would like to talk to her doctor? 

Oh I empathize with her too! But, separately it doesn't mean he should be in a romantic relationship with her if she is unwilling to get help -which he can explore with her. They've been dating 10 months and sounds like 2 of those months have involved him being subjected to this whether it is within her control or not -meaning if it is not she can at least seek out resources, other meds, other doctors so that she can get this more under control and interact in a more reasonable way more of the time.

[NIN2000]

Her episodes occur once a month, prior to the start of her menstrual cycle. She starts to sleep 14-16 hours a day, develops headaches and withdraws from me. She also suffers from depression, no doubt that doesn’t help. Topics of conversation which were once normal or funny a week prior become insulting under these conditions. Once her cycle starts she goes back to normal; however, her comprehension of her behavior from the prior week is warped. I don’t know if it’s the depression (which she’s medicated or something else). Either way, these monthly episodes are destroying our relationship.

Im trying to convince her to see a therapist, and a primary care doctor.

Either-way, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

 

 

[catfeeder]

9 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

my girlfriend is in the medical field and thinks “she knows everything” I’ve begged her to get help but she refuses.

I can only speak for myself. All relationships being voluntary, it would make all the difference in the world to me in sticking with someone with such a disruptive medical condition if treatment was being responsibly sought and adhered to. 

If not, all bets are off--that's a dealbreaker.

If you're in this for keeps, I'd just stay away from her for the week per month unless you've got a better idea. Someone sleeping or suffering can't exactly offer companionship, so why position yourself so badly during this time?

If she has a problem with you staying away, negotiate a fair trade for your company during hell week--she pursues and follows medical treatment, and you'll reconsider your position on staying away.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

my girlfriend is in the medical field and thinks “she knows everything” I’ve begged her to get help but she refuses.

Then there is nothing you can do but decide if this is a dealbreaker for you. 

 

[poorlittlefish]

11 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

my girlfriend is in the medical field and thinks “she knows everything” I’ve begged her to get help but she refuses.

How can she sustain a job if she's sleeping up to 16 hours a day for one week every month?  Hasn't her employer referred her to Occupational Health or insisted she seek help from her doctor?

As she is unwilling to help herself and refuses to acknowledge the impact her behaviour has on you when she's feeling bad, I think it's down to you to protect yourself, should you wish to continue in this relationship (bearing in mind she could be like this until menopause).  Inform her that you will no longer spend time with her the week before her period and make sure she is clear that her behaviour towards you is the reason why.  Whether she then chooses to do something about the situation will tell you a lot about how she views your relationship.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

Im trying to convince her to see a therapist, and a primary care doctor.

Sorry this is happening. It seems like up to a fourth of the relationship is not working. While it may be tempting to try to fix and change her, you may also have to consider that you're incompatible.  

[SooSad33]

16 hours ago, NIN2000 said:

Either-way, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Isn't that the worst 😕 . I have an EX like that.

Has been 10 mos of this... seriously, who are you kidding?  It's getting to you now.

It's her problem to deal with in the end. YOU have a choice .