Disappeared with no Goodbye

[MNBoarder29]

I was dating my best friend and dream girl for 4 months. We had been friends for 7 years, and she recently moved back home after traveling for the past 5 years, working seasonally at some of the most beautiful places on the west coast. We started out hanging out as friends but slowly that became more. We fell in love, deep in love. We had some rocky patches for sure. She suffers from depression I came to find out, and we battled life or death scenarios. But my love for her never changed. I was there for her for all the rough times and the good times. She always thanked me for being there like nobody has before. 

I got back from a trip early Feb, she came and stayed at my place for 10 days. All was great! She had said she had come to terms with staying in our state and wanted to stay with me. I believed it. We had a great valentines day, my first with someone I loved. I met her family. All of the sudden on the 18th, we woke up, she left to go do her taxes. I kissed her goodbye and said see you later. We texted all day, she was going to come back over but ended up staying at her parents. The next day all was good, texting all day, until she out of the blue told me she did not want to make plans anymore and wants to move again. Wants to keep traveling and working job to job seasonally. I told her id rather have this conversation in person and she agreed. For the next week we went back and fourth trying to find a time. She refused to talk in person but said she would talk on the phone, until she even could not do that. "I know this is hard for you, but this is what I want to do" is what she told me. I understand. I want her to be happy. All I wanted to do was say goodbye to my best friend. 

I feel like im being tortured. After her telling me this wasnt fair to me and owed me closure and then saying she couldnt. I recorded the things I wanted to tell her and sent it to her. All she said was thanks. She has unfriended me, unfollowed me on everything. My number isnt blocked however. I texted her saying her stuff was left at her work. I left a nice note for her as well. I know she got it but I didnt even get a text. 

All I want is to here from her again. I miss her so much, we had been through a lot of emotionally challenging times and grew together because of that. Every morning when I wake up I instantly cry. Its so difficult and im trying to move on but its so hard. I lost my best friend without a proper goodbye. Every single one of my hobbies I did with her so even those are hard. I keep looking for answers in my own head "Does she care" "does she love me" "why do I deserve this when she told me I did nothing wrong". Its SO hard. I need some support. I need some opinions. Does anybody think I will ever hear from her again?

[Andrina]

That was a crappy thing to do, texting you to breakup instead of doing so in person. Apparently who you thought she was, was a fantasy built up in your head.

Even people I've known a lifetime surprise me with things they do or say. Give it up trying to figure out why she did what she did, and how she feels. It's not for you to know. From what you've written, it's been her pattern to be a nomad, so that's the way she's comfortable running her life for now.

What kind of life do you have besides your dating life? Do you have fulfilling friendships? Fun hobbies/interests you regularly engage in?

With only 4 months of a romance, it was really infatuation, though you will argue the point. Perhaps you thrived on the drama of life and death situations in such a short time, but that's not conducive to a healthy relationship. Having had a first marriage with a partner suffering from depression, most of it untreated, I strongly recommend avoiding dating anyone with untreated depression. Your White Knight syndrome only hurts yourself, and will never save the princess stuck in her tower of depression.

It's now time to delete photos and texts, block her, don't check on her social media, etc. In likely about 4 to 6 months time, you should no longer think of her on a daily basis. And don't even think about going back to being friends if she reaches out. Your future gf won't appreciate you staying in touch with an ex you wanted to build a future with.

For now, treat yourself well, doing fun things solo or with friends and family. Time and distance will be healing. Take care.

[Kwothe28]

I am sorry, but, with messy people, that is what you get. One day they are fine, the next day they are not. She suffers from mental issues and depression. You cant really expect consistant behavior out of the people like that. One day they will love you more then anything in the world. The next they dont love the world, let alone you. If you are going to date somebody and expect stability, they first need to be a stable individual. As you can see, she is not that.

You are still in infatuation stage. That means that your "rose colored glasses" are still on. When the time comes, hopefully you would see that she is not that perfect person you envisioned her to be. For example her empathy levels are very low. Because yes, she could at least say "Goodbye" in person. But chosen distant way it because it was easier for her. Your feelings were not considered there, only hers.

Anyway, lots of times you would have to give yourself a closure. As Ive said, in time you would maybe see that she was not that good for you. And that for what you seek there are far better women out there. Maybe not now, but in time, you would be able to do it. Its the way of life. 

1 hour ago, MNBoarder29 said:

I keep looking for answers in my own head "Does she care" "does she love me" "why do I deserve this when she told me I did nothing wrong". Its SO hard. I need some support. I need some opinions. Does anybody think I will ever hear from her again?

Think you will realize that doesnt matter. She made her choice and made her own bed. No matter how hard it is on you, you would have to move away from her. 

[Jaunty]

She definitely has done you wrong.   You dodged a bullet.  But I know you are hurting.

You know - 4 months is "getting to know you" time.   Very early days.  It sounds like you two had way, way too much too soon.  Also sounds like quite a bit of unhealthy drama - life or death situations (multiple!) in early dating?  That would be a likely signal that things were not sustainable - though all of that intensity can be very addicting.

I'm sorry she's treated you so coldly, but obviously she was not ready to be in this relationship longterm.  She took a very crappy way out.

[MNBoarder29]

Just now, Jaunty said:

She definitely has done you wrong.   You dodged a bullet.  But I know you are hurting.

You know - 4 months is "getting to know you" time.   Very early days.  It sounds like you two had way, way too much too soon.  Also sounds like quite a bit of unhealthy drama - life or death situations (multiple!) in early dating?  That would be a likely signal that things were not sustainable - though all of that intensity can be very addicting.

I'm sorry she's treated you so coldly, but obviously she was not ready to be in this relationship longterm.  She took a very crappy way out.

Do you think she actually loved me or cared for me? Or was I played? 

[Jaunty]

7 minutes ago, MNBoarder29 said:

Do you think she actually loved me or cared for me? Or was I played? 

Not real love.  The relationship never really got past the early infatuation stage.  You'll probably resist this idea, but I doubt you had / have real love for her either. 

She's not mentally healthy, I guess (suffers from depression and the drama leads me to believe she has active issues), maybe you have some instability too (I question why you were going through life / death situations with a woman you just started to date and get to know).  You both may have been swept away with the romance etc. and she was the first to realize that it was not going to be sustainable.   And she was ready to go.  

She's been traveling and free for a long time and she's not ready to stop.  

 

[boltnrun]

What were these "life or death scenarios"? Did she threaten or attempt suicide? Were they health issues?

[MNBoarder29]

15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What were these "life or death scenarios"? Did she threaten or attempt suicide? Were they health issues?

Threatened 

[boltnrun]

Just now, MNBoarder29 said:

Threatened 

This is someone who needs treatment from a medical professional. She is in no way suited to be in a relationship. And you can't "help" her through suicidal ideation. 

Side note, were these threats in response to something she said you did or didn't do? In other words, did she attribute her suicidal thoughts to your relationship with her or to other factors?

[MNBoarder29]

10 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

This is someone who needs treatment from a medical professional. She is in no way suited to be in a relationship. And you can't "help" her through suicidal ideation. 

Side note, were these threats in response to something she said you did or didn't do? In other words, did she attribute her suicidal thoughts to your relationship with her or to other factors?

No nothing because of what I did. Because she felt like a failure. Like she didnt have anything going for her and she was unhappy here.

[smackie9]

She didn't lie about caring about you but with depression, comes with the lack of coping skills. Depressed people are big avoiders. My mom suffers with depression and has np casting people aside. I believe when they experience a bout of depression they think the cause is the relationship or things or an event so they get rid of them/it thinking that will give them relief. That's my take on it. So anyways you are going through the grief process.  5 steps of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, 

[boltnrun]

4 hours ago, MNBoarder29 said:

No nothing because of what I did. Because she felt like a failure. Like she didnt have anything going for her and she was unhappy here.

And just like you didn't cause it, you can't "fix" it. And it seems she either realizes this or she's trying a geographical solution to her problems. Thing is, wherever she goes she'll still be there. She can't run away from herself.

But again, you can't fix this. If she truly wants to get better she'll need to work with a medical professional. 

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you were rejected and dumped.  Denying you in person conversations and phone conversations is extremely cowardly.  The reason why some people prefer text, emails, messages or postal mail is because they have control  of the dialogue.  They have their say and once they're done, they're really done whether or not you accept their version of "closure."  This type of unacceptable and intolerable behavior is very disdainful. 

Whenever I've encountered people who were discourteous, ungracious and dishonorable, at first, of course I'm pained, insulted and offended.  Then, over time, I change my way of thinking.  I feel grateful for their true horrible characters as it was blatantly revealed to me.  I discover this revelation to be quite the sobering education.  I'm thankful to finally know who they really are so this is my cue to protect myself permanently.  I eliminate them from my life and surround myself with people who know how to treat me with respect.  Bitterness and resentment begin to fade and strength and wisdom grows within your mind. 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, MNBoarder29 said:

I was dating my best friend and dream girl for 4 months. We had been friends for 7 years, and she recently moved back home after traveling for the past 5 years, working seasonally at some of the most beautiful places on the west coast. We started out hanging out as friends but slowly that became more. We fell in love, deep in love. We had some rocky patches for sure. She suffers from depression I came to find out, and we battled life or death scenarios. But my love for her never changed.

As mentioned, 4 months is the getting to know you phase.  Is so often 'great' in the beginning ( honeymoon phase), that's all.  It is not love. ( infatuation).

So, as you were so 'into her', she was all over the place & sounds unsettled 😕 .

She came on strong, then darted?  Yeah, not fair or easy on you!

As said already, you are hurt now, yes. but  is good this ended when it did, not 3 more months down the road or 6 or another year.  But, she has her obvious issue's, which is on her.  

We live & we learn.  I'm sorry this is how this has panned out.  

You are blocked now and imo, is for the better, in order for you to work on accepting & healing, then moving on.  The worst thing to do is to continue trying, following , etc.

Just be done now. All done.  No need to reach out. ( I vent in ways of journaling- I write all I want to say on paper ( or wordpad), It's a good 'release', as you work thru your emotions.  In time, you'll come to realize you think of her less & less.  But, it takes time. So, maybe get out there, take walks, exercise, etc.  Get lost in your music!  And remember self care.  Get your rest and just go a day at a time.

 

[catfeeder]

18 hours ago, MNBoarder29 said:

... she came and stayed at my place for 10 days. All was great!

Ten days can be overkill on insta-togetherness for even the healthiest of people. She may have navigated that time well enough to be believable, but 'life and death' drama? What should that tell you?

Lots of people can pull off a dream experience inside a vacation bubble, but when real life pops that thing, they're not so lovely or loving anymore. Within the same post you describe 10 days being 'great,' you also raise that she was depressed and, apparently, suicidal. That's not exactly 'great,' is it?

I would not sentence myself to suffer the idea that this woman is depriving you of some happily-ever-after fantasy. She's a dance-away lover. That's actually a thing, you can look it up. It means that even if you do hear from her again, she's likely to pull the same exit unless and until she's taken a few years to heal herself and stabilize.

You can't do that for her, and you could not help her to do that for herself. Not even the best therapist in the world can live her life for her--she's got an inside job to do.

My heart goes out to you. Write more if it helps.