Very confused and sad

[VioletLuna]

So.. I need some advice.. in a very complicated situation, been with my partner since August 2021 he is male, I’m female. 

My partner has always been a very complicated person, and when he drinks alcohol can find it very hard to know his limits and if he’s off work it can lead to going into days of drinking, but recently I’d say from October to January he has got a lot better in a lot of different ways, his family and even his ex wife would say how since he’s been with me he’s changed massively (in contact with ex wife as they have children together) 

 

In the middle of January it appeared he may be having a midlife crisis.. he doesn’t do a lot in life other than work and spend time with me or his children, I was at work one day and he came in to see me unexpectedly (I work at a bar) and he’d had two piercings and got himself a distressed denim jacket and other new clothes, which was nice for him and I told him he should spend more money on himself as for once he’d been good at saving instead of drinking too much and spending money on crap.. he then was going on about shaving his head and getting a Mohawk and dying it blue and getting a Vespa etc.. all stuff that was out of the blue.. he said he thinks he’s boring compared to me as I have quite a lot of friends.. he’s 42 and I’m ten years younger.. so his behaviour seemed to be bordering on getting a bit extreme, erratic and impulsive. So he drank a fair bit this evening but we were fine and actually had a really nice evening together when I finished work and thought we were closer than ever.. then I went to bed as I had an early shift and he stayed up drinking.. he woke me up to tell me he’d just spent £150 on gig tickets for me, him and my friend because I mentioned in passing maybe we’d go to this gig, not our fav band but one of his.. I thought this was extreme, he’d gone from being super good with money to just blowing hundreds in one day, and it kinda worried me a bit so my reaction wasn’t one he wanted. So the next day after I finished work we had a date night planned, but he was still upset so I called him and tried to fix things, telling him maybe I overreacted as it’s his money he can do what he wants with it I was just shocked he splurged so much in one day after saying he was really happy with how much he’d saved etc.. so anyway we made up and still had date night planned and he was going to go to his work before meeting me and ask for the date of the gig off.. I had to stay on an extra two hours this day.. so his workplace is also a bar.. he decided to get wasted by the time I’d finished work so I said I didn’t want to do date night now. I was upset and disappointed. He then kept ringing me from the bus stop by his work place saying he didn’t know how to get home could I pick him up, as I was still at work I couldn’t leave this was all before 5pm.. so I just kept trying to get him to get a taxi or bus and get home safe, eventually he got home, I knew I wouldn’t hear much from him for the night after this. So when I finished work a couple of my friends were meeting up so I decided to go with them for a bit, as I said I was leaving they all convinced me to go for one more, that escalated until I was out until 3am and pretty drunk.. I didn’t realise until I got home he wasn’t there.. he has a habit of booking hotels when drunk as he says he wants to avoid conflict or he’s angry and doesn’t want to be around me (we live together) and I know his email password as he’s told me before, so I logged on and found out he’d booked one.. I don’t know why I just didn’t leave it and see him in the morning but drunk me wanted to see him.. I managed to go to the hotel and tell the reception I can’t get hold of my partner and I’m drunk and he didn’t tell me a room number so they gave it to me (not sure if they’re supposed to do that) I went and knocked his door.. when I got there I found an empty condom wrapper.. so I started to lose my mind and ask him *** happened.. he said nothing.. kept repeating himself.. said it was a grubby old hotel and was probably already there.. on the bedside table.. of course I knew this was BS, so I grabbed his phone and ran off to find out if I could get the truth.. turns out he’d hired an escort.. obviously my world suddenly turned upside down and I lost it entirely.. for once in my life having some respect for myself thought there was no going back.. he blamed me and said because I was out until 3 I was cheating on him so he was getting revenge.. which I was definitely not and could prove my whereabouts as I was with a mutual friend. He didn’t seem bothered and avoided me, stopped going to work etc. then found out he was trying to get back with an ex.. 

 

Fast forwarding to now, I missed him and was broken and decided to give things another go.. and We spoke a lot, and I know I’m crazy and deserve better but I was confused how things could be so good from Christmas then this happen and put it down to a mistake.. we’ve been seeing each other for a few weeks now and things have been going well for the most part and we had planned to go do what we were doing before all of this and work towards a future.. this is why I’m confused, there is a bouncer who sometimes works at my bar, he’s always been kinda flirty but also very nice to me, and since all of this he’d popped into work to give me a hug and make sure I’m okay and checked in on me every so often, he worked with us again a couple of days ago, then the day after I messaged him happy birthday.. then the messages got pretty flirty, which I feel super guilty for as I’ve never been the cheating type in the slightest even flirting with other people, if I’m with someone i’m with someone and always loyal, but I’ve found myself enjoying this exchange and all my friends are telling me I’m not doing anything wrong especially after what he did to me and enjoy it etc. I’m confused as to if I should stay with my partner if I’m enjoying flirting with someone else or if it’s just nice that someone is interested and lovely to me and reading too much into it and I should just nip it in the bud and stop responding and concentrate on my relationship, I’ve told him I’m confused yesterday as the night before he stayed after work and got so drunk he couldn’t get himself home I had to pick him up and he was horrible to me, so I didn’t speak to him all day yesterday i was waiting for him to message me an apology as I was out of the house for work from 8 onwards and I received nothing all day even though he was online, then he sent me a Facebook relationship request at about 4pm.. we hadn’t made things public again after what he did and I didn’t really want to yet until I knew things were solid, I didn’t respond to it and then he started messaging me at 5pm asking when i was home and why I hadn’t accepted his request and when I told him I didn’t know if I was going to accept it as he wasn’t treating me with the respect that goes with a relationship he said he’d leave then, now he’s making me feel bad but I’ve just been honest about how I feel, I am confused. Everyone is telling me I deserve better and should get away from him and I’m not doing anything wrong. Any advice on this crazy situation would be great

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, VioletLuna said:

Everyone is telling me I deserve better and should get away from him and I’m not doing anything wrong. Any advice on this crazy situation would be great

Listen to your friends and family. Your instincts are also telling you that you have a life outside this and clearly others are looking better.

You can get help through Al-Anon 

https://al-anon.org/newcomers/self-quiz/adult-quiz/

[VioletLuna]

Thanks! My ex was an abusive alcoholic and I never got the counselling I needed for that really, I’ve just got myself through it all, so this is a great help 

[boltnrun]

3 minutes ago, VioletLuna said:

Thanks! My ex was an abusive alcoholic and I never got the counselling I needed for that really, I’ve just got myself through it all, so this is a great help 

So this is a trend for you.

Please do look into support so you don't keep pursuing men with addiction issues. And yes, binge drinking is a substance abuse issue. 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, VioletLuna said:

Any advice on this crazy situation would be great

Yes. I know you work at the bar but stay away from drinkers but you need to stay away from them. My friend had a recent situation where her now ex boyfriend, chased her drunk to beat her. And she is not somebody who cant defend herself as she was in military. 

Anyway, the reason why I am telling you this its because that is what you get with alkies. Erratic behavior where they are fine one day, then start drinking and act insane and do stuff they wouldnt do otherwise. Because they dont know the limit of their drinking and quite literally need to stop drinking completely in most of the cases. Because when they drink, stuff like this happens

2 hours ago, VioletLuna said:

I went and knocked his door.. when I got there I found an empty condom wrapper.. so I started to lose my mind and ask him *** happened.. he said nothing.. kept repeating himself.. said it was a grubby old hotel and was probably already there.. on the bedside table.. of course I knew this was BS, so I grabbed his phone and ran off to find out if I could get the truth.. turns out he’d hired an escort..

Are you even surprised with that turn of events? I could quite literally tell you how he is the second you said he drinks. Because alkies are like that.

Your best bet is to run away. Completely. From the bar job, town, anywhere where him and others like him wouldnt have contact with you at all. But if its a pattern for you then you probably wont do that so eh, enjoy his erratic behavior. Just remember that when he does something next time its not only on him, its on you too. Because you willingly stayed there and not run away.

[Jaunty]

You will have to change your mindset, choices and your own lifestyle.  If you want things to be different.

[Batya33]

Agree with all but my first thought was this is also drugs in addition to alcohol but I really have no specific knowledge or expertise. Just seemed so erratic and out of bounds seemed like drugs and or perhaps he is bipolar ??

[VioletLuna]

Batya 33 no drugs that I’m aware of as I’ve looked out for the signs.. he used to use cocaine a fair bit before he got with me.. potentially bi polar, that has also crossed my mind 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, VioletLuna said:

he has a habit of booking hotels when drunk as he says he wants to avoid conflict or he’s angry and doesn’t want to be around me

Then you have got to realize he's also in the habit of hiring prostitutes to join him at these places.

Please, don't make the mistake of assuming he had never done so before. It's pretty obvious what he uses these hotels for - it's just the first time you caught him. 

You need to end this relationship, and get yourself into counselling. It appears you have a pattern of choosing men like this. Until you figure out why you don't demand more for yourself than this, you will remain stuck in this toxic dumpster fire of a relationship.

And please, book yourself for a full STI/HIV screening. I would not trust that he hasn't been stepping outside your relationship and engaging in sex with high-risk individuals every single time he books a hotel room. That is super shady. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, VioletLuna said:

he’s always been kinda flirty but also very nice to me, and since all of this he’d popped into work to give me a hug and make sure I’m okay and checked in on me every so often, he worked with us again a couple of days ago, then the day after I messaged him happy birthday.. then the messages got pretty flirty, which I feel super guilty for as I’ve never been the cheating type in the slightest even flirting with other people, if I’m with someone i’m with someone and always loyal, but I’ve found myself enjoying this exchange and all my friends are telling me I’m not doing anything wrong especially after what he did to me and enjoy it etc. I’m confused as to if I should stay with my partner if I’m enjoying flirting with someone else or if it’s just nice that someone is interested and lovely to me and reading too much into it and I should just nip it in the bud and stop responding and concentrate on my relationship,

I say to end all with this 'drunk' and move on with your life.

This relationship is totally unstable and unpleasant. Is always how alcoholics are!  You can't win 😕 .

But, if this relationship has been ongoing for a good while, I suggest you do NOT run & get involved with this other 'flirty' guy.  Not so fast!  You'll most likely continue to have some issue's with this drunk one, until you can BOTH accept it is done.

Then, you move on when you actually feel better about things.

And let this be a learning experience for you.  What alcy's are like. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, VioletLuna said:

Batya 33 no drugs that I’m aware of as I’ve looked out for the signs.. he used to use cocaine a fair bit before he got with me.. potentially bi polar, that has also crossed my mind 

How long was he drug free before you started dating him?  This is not a midlife crisis it's a substance abuse crisis.