She broke up with me because of my gambling

[Mon12]

So, to give some context. I am a 22M and my g.. ex is a 24F. We have been doing LDR for 1.5 years now and we were really happy with each other and were just about to move in together.

In the beginning of our relationship, we both made a pinky promes (which in itself are really powerful, at least for us) that we would stop our addictions. I would stop Gambling and she would stop Smoking. 
Everything was going really well until just recently, where I had.. broken that promise. 
I got down bad with Gambling (Poker in this case) and lost a huge amount of money which could be spend in any other kind of way which would result better. And so, I decided to tell her the truth my being transparent and honest with her. I told her that I had broken the pinky and I don't know what will happen now. She got really frustrated, she partially told me she would maybe close an eye if it wasn't for as much money as I did lose (I'd like not to disclose that). So she decided to break up with me. 

She lost all respect she had left for me and trust aswell. She said she values herself and has self-respect and will not continue this relationship because I am unreliable and untrustworthy (I cannot deny that, what I did was very bad and I am aware of that). I asked if it would be possible to give me a one last chance to show and prove myself that I have finally quit.

I had quit gambling 2 months ago and have blocked myself from all available Poker sites that exist. There is no way I can play again even if I wanted too (I tried and I couldn't, so it proves). But.. she doesn't seem to be interested in pursuing this relationship anymore.

Considering she broke up with me by chatting it doesn't feel right.. I feel like there's more to say and perhaps talk about and try to vague or relationship a bit more since we were really happy with each other and managed for 1.5 years. 

She would have never noticed anything if I didn't tell her because the financial situation didn't change all too much.. it's just that I lost money. But I'm not here to write any excuses to what I did.

I decided to go visit her by taking a plane since she lives in another country. This would happen in few days which would be 1 week after she broke up with me.

And I would like to ask you guys what you think. Is it really a good idea to meet her up personally and talk things down to the bottom so both of us can get the perspectives we are seeing or just leave it at that? I still have some christmas gifts that I weren't able to give her from previous months, so there's still some unfinished things. I'd still like to gift her that in person.

I really love this girl and I'd do anything to be with her. Not only was she my girlfriend but also my very bestfriend that I shared everything with.. It hurts a lot u_u 

[boltnrun]

First questions, how much time have the two of you spent together physically in person? Did the relationship begin with you two in the same area and dating and then one of you moved away? I ask because you say you have been LDR for 1.5 years but you also said you were "happy" for 1.5 years. 

Then I noticed this:

25 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

There is no way I can play again even if I wanted too (I tried and I couldn't,

This shows me you are still addicted to gambling if you still tried even after blocking the gambling sites. Blocking alone isn't going to be effective. 

What kind of professional help have you received for your gambling addiction?

I think it's a bad idea to just show up after she broke up with you. I hope you are going to give her some advance notice that you're coming and don't plan to "surprise" her.  If she agrees to see you, you need to have a concrete plan in place to deal with your gambling addiction (not just a "pinky promise"). A therapist, attending GA meetings regularly, having your funds direct deposited into an account you can't easily access, things like that. 

[Mon12]

Thank you for sharing your opinion @boltnrun. We were "online" friends for 1 year. Afterwards we decided to meetup and after the first day we saw each other we got into a romantic relationship. We already really liked each other online so it was a matter of seeing each other in person. After that we frequently visited each other every 2-3 months for 1-2 weeks.

Regarding the blocking thing. Im unsure how it works for other gambling sites but for Poker it really isn't possible to pass the block. The reason I tried was to see whether it works or not. 

I am currently not seeking any professional help since I am confident that I am done with this kind of thing for good. I intended to tell her 1 day in advance that I would come to her. She has stated her line and made her decision that she doesn't want to be with me anymore but it feels weird ending on this kind of note when we were having lots of plans together for near future. 

Id attend any kind of therapy and get help from anything if it meant to gain her trust back, or well.. to prove her that I really am done for certain.

[boltnrun]

14 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

I am currently not seeking any professional help since I am confident that I am done with this kind of thing for good.

You were "confident" before and even though you knew your gambling would destroy your relationship with the woman you love, you did it anyway. That shows you are addicted and likely can benefit from at the very least attending GA meetings. 

Please give her more than one day's advance notice. She needs to be able to choose whether or not she wants to see you with more than 24 hours notice. 

[Mon12]

Thank you for the advice @boltnrun. You're right. I were confident before. I can't tell whether or not I would play anymore, it's something only I could prove by time.

And you're right. I will do that, I'll let her know 48h before I come to let her give a word about it. Thanks for the advice again, I appreciate it

[smackie9]

Tip: leave the gifts at home. Giving her gifts will look like you are trying to buy her. It shouldn’t be about winning her over, it should be about working things out with sincerity. 

[Mon12]

Thanks for the tip @smackie9. I agree with you, in normal case i'd leave them but this time around we both had prepared 2 months ago Christmas gifts for each other and because of unfortunate event we weren't able to meetup during that time. So maybe it might be right to give her the gifts considering I might not see her again..

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Mon12 said:

 .. she doesn't seem to be interested in pursuing this relationship anymore. She said she values herself and has self-respect and will not continue this relationship

Sorry this happened. Have you communicated since the breakup?

Did she block you? Unfortunately showing up on 48hrs notice sounds impulsive. And unfortunately that is what she meant by "unreliable and untrustworthy". 

As you know gambling is an impulse control issue. So hopping on a plane to see if you can win her back is a gamble in itself.

It may be better to open the lines of communication before attempting a grand gesture to get her back. 

It's better to confirm that you're invited rather than tell her you're taking a flight to see her.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, Mon12 said:

Is it really a good idea to meet her up personally and talk things down to the bottom

It is never a good idea to show up where you have not be expressly invited, no. Please don't do this. I can nearly guarantee you won't be welcomed. What are you going to do if you tell her you are coming and she still refuses to see you? You will have wasted money on a flight, which is not a good look when you have already lost money by gambling. Do you see the connection? 

It sounds like you are still impulsive and don't think things through too well. Stop. Breathe. Now is not the time to pull out all the stops. It will show her that you aren't listening and don't respect her choice to end it. 

It hurts but you need to take your lumps on this one. 

 

 

 

[Mon12]

Thanks for the respone @Wiseman2. To be frank, she decided to break up with me 2 days ago. I know it's much of a time but I tried to contact her yesterday and maybe a small message today aswell. She didn't seem interested in having a converstation whatsoever. 

It is true that going to her would be impulsive, but on the other hand, She has holidays at the moment and this would be my only chance to visit her. Otherwise I'd have to wait who knows how long. And I don't want her to make these important choices on misinterpreted conceptions. 

Sure, I did gamble and lost a big sum of money, but there is still more as to what happened. 

It just feels it's wrong to just let her close her eyes and cover her ears and run away from something beatiful that we had.. 

I have asked her if it would be okay if I came over for 1 day to her to meet her for just as little as 5 minutes. I hope she answers soon and might be a bit understandable towards my feelings and concerns.

Concidering her past relationships and her history and type of character, this isn't the type of person to get back with someone after a break up. That's why I'd also like to talk it through with her as soon as possible u_u

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

And I don't want her to make these important choices on misinterpreted conceptions. 

This isn't your choice. 

3 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

It just feels it's wrong to just let her close her eyes and cover her ears and run away from something beatiful that we had.. 

And neither is this. 

I realize you are hurt and don't want to let go, but she doesn't need your endorsement to end this. It is her prerogative to break up if she feels that's what's best for her,  even if it seems hasty or wrong to you. 

Showing up when she has not given any inidication she wants you there is not going to help. It will simply make it look like you don't respect her and aren't listening to her. Don't be that guy who bulldozes his way into someone else's space. 

[Mon12]

Mmm yea you're right @MissCanuck.. In that case all I can hope for now is for her to give me an answer whether I can come or not then 😞

Thanks for the advice and everything. 

[Kwothe28]

11 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

It is true that going to her would be impulsive, but on the other hand, She has holidays at the moment and this would be my only chance to visit her. Otherwise I'd have to wait who knows how long. And I don't want her to make these important choices on misinterpreted conceptions. 

 

Please dont show unanounced on somebody door after you broke up. If she agrees to meet then fine, but dont spend your money on a trip not knowing if you will even see her. Plus again, its not a good sign. 

Also as far as addiction goes, you would have to go through much more as an addict so you would come to kicking addiction out. For example, support groups an such and spending a big ammount of time not only not touching any form of gambling but also not even thinking about it.You are just at the start of the journey, not the end.

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

In that case all I can hope for now is for her to give me an answer whether I can come or not then

Yes, exactly. 

You might have things you want to say, but she has to be open to hearing them. If she isn't, you can't do anything about that. Break-ups are so tough when they aren't mutual, I know. But you can't and shouldn't try to make someone to listen to you. If they aren't open to listening without feeling pressured into it, you're wasting your time and energy. 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

It is true that going to her would be impulsive, but on the other hand, She has holidays at the moment and this would be my only chance to visit her. 

Unfortunately trying to 'win' back your losses by going there to convince her to get back together is the same impetus as gambling. 

[JTCW]

The moment you broke that promise, losing a huge amount of money, was the moment she saw what your future together would look like, which was not good. She now knows she cannot trust you. She realised that you are incapable of stopping your addiction and you will inevitably put you both in very bad debt situations. She needs someone strong and reliable and that is not you unfortunately. I also feel you will be wasting allot of time and money flying out there. She made the right decision.

[Mon12]

The thing is, I have full understanding towards the idea that she cannot trust me or see future together. 

But on the other hand, I've never really been that much addicted to it. It was one hell of missfortune that my friend encouraged me to play with him, which led to me losing track of money. At the end, once you stop playing (at least that's how it feels for me) there really isn't any temptation whatsoever to play anymore. 

Id hope I could perhaps explain that to her and gain a bit of understanding for my perspective. 

[JTCW]

It honestly doesn't matter what your reasons are. You broke your pinkie promise. She now see's you as a risk.

[Jibralta]

17 hours ago, Mon12 said:

She would have never noticed anything if I didn't tell her because the financial situation didn't change all too much.. it's just that I lost money. But I'm not here to write any excuses to what I did.

If you want to be in a relationship with a partner who will turn a blind eye to your gambling addiction and/or other infractions and lies, this is not the girl for you. Find some other sucker.

[Mon12]

The thing is, if I had not told her and decided to tell her let's say 3 or even 5 years later about this event, it would prove that I've been clean and healed from this sort of addiction from gambling. Which would have left me a chance to prove myself.

But now I can neither prove nor talk/exaplain to her my actions and that I've been able to overcome this.

 

[Jibralta]

7 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

The thing is, if I had not told her and decided to tell her let's say 3 or even 5 years later about this event, it would prove that I've been clean and healed from this sort of addiction from gambling. Which would have left me a chance to prove myself.

But now I can neither prove nor talk/exaplain to her my actions and that I've been able to overcome this.

The thing is, you being clean for 3 or even 5 years is a fantasy world. It never happened and there's no proof that it will happen. 

[boltnrun]

Your friend did not force you to gamble and lose a lot of money. Trying to blame your friend for your own actions shows you are still in the grips of the addiction. Also saying you should have concealed your gambling for 3 or 5 years shows you aren't taking responsibility. Lying to someone you claim to love just to avoid consequences is an immature way to deal with your problems. 

Wait for her response before you buy airplane tickets. If she says she doesn't want to see you, you must respect her wishes. 

And please seek support for your gambling addiction. 

[Mon12]

@boltnrunI never implicated that my friend forced me. He just simply invited me and I accepted on my own will. What happened later was indeed an addiction feat. But otherwise, as long as im out of the loop (not chasing losses) I never really had any desire to play.

But I will take the advice, I will wait for her answer.

Thank you for the response

[Kwothe28]

38 minutes ago, Mon12 said:

The thing is, if I had not told her and decided to tell her let's say 3 or even 5 years later about this event, it would prove that I've been clean and healed from this sort of addiction from gambling.

Yeah, but you would have been a liar. Also you do realize that you need to stay clean for years to come? You are talking like you are done with your addiction. That is almost never the case. You need to do serious work on yourself. 

[Mon12]

As much as it hurts that's true, I would have been a liar. Which is why I decided to tell the truth because I always stay truthfull with her (she is aware of that). 

I know what it looks like from a strangers perspective. I admit, it really does look that I am an addict.

But, on the other hand, I've asked few other people with the same problems and it's most likely that I have just been on the way to become one. I might not really be one in the fullest sense. >_<