I'm (29F) struggling to get over a 1.5month thing with a guy (30M)

[Larissa1443]

 

We met through dating app, went out, first date was super fun, went on a second one was even better. We continued chatting everyday, went on a third, fourth... and then I asked him what he was looking for as I said I was looking for a relationship, not necessarily with him, but that's what I was dating for.

He laughed, sort of made fun of me saying it was too soon to be asking that question and said he wanted a relationship but not sure if with me and then proceeded to make a few jokes like "you'll never meet my mom", which really upset me. He then said, just relax, let's see where this goes. (I posted a previous post about same guy)

We continued chatting during the week, but I felt like that mom joke really hurt and felt like he wasn't taking me seriously and was considering ending things with him, so we met up for dinner and I voiced that to him and he apologised and said he wanted to continue hanging out with me. So I gave in and we continued hanging out, but I felt a bit off, but decided to just see how it went.

We continued asking each other about our days, sharing stories etc. On the sixth date, he offered to make me dinner. He made a dish he's never made before as I don't eat meat only fish and I thought that was really cute. I thought "ok, this guy is putting effort, I think this could lead somewhere". As we were getting ready to sleep, we were cuddling and I told him I'd love to see him more during the week (we were only seeing each other once a week for a few hours), that I could even come over to his house and just have dinner, doesn't need to be going out on dates etc, and he just said "I don't have time" and kissed me, and then said I'm sorry I can't give you that, and I sort of started crying and told him I think it's clear we don't want the same things and he said "well I don't want to stop seeing you but I don't have time for you". We went to sleep.

Next morning, he was cuddly, we had sex, kissed, spent a few hours in bed laughing and chatting. He got up and made me breakfast, and then, proceeded to say how he wants to end things because he can't give me what I want, because I deserve better. I told him I understand he has a busy schedule (working mon-sat and boxing during the night), but I was happy to wait until he had his boxing competition and I was happy to come over during the week as he wakes up really early for work and I start work a bit later. Anyway, point is, I gave him options and said I'd rather see him once a week than not see him at all. He said it'd be horrible seeing me during the week because we'd wake up tired and he likes sleeping alone and also "I'd get tired of him", which is a lie because the more I saw him, the more I wanted to hang out with him. He cried and I said I'm a beautiful person inside and out but I deserve better. He said he doesn't know what he wants anymore, he doesn't have time for a relationship. And that was it. I cried so much and felt horrible that we had just spent a lovely night having dinner, cuddling, morning sex etc for only him to be like "yep, I don't want this anymore". He said I'm the first girl in years that he's gone on multiple dates with, that he can't remember the last time he cooked for someone or felt this way so I'm like ok..... so why end it?

This was the first time someone ended things with me because they're rather not spend time with me at all then trying to meet me halfway. We had similar goals in life, we got along, lots of laughs, chemistry.... I literally had no complaints except for the fact that I just wanted to hang out with him more. It just makes absolutely no sense to me.

I've been single for almost 4 years, I've had 4 short term relationships in between, 2 of which were toxic and 2 I didn't really like the person/weren't compatible. But in between, all I've had were one or two dates with people, it's so exhausting, so I was really happy to finally have something somewhat consistent with a person I really enjoyed spending time with. I know it will take a while to meet someone again given my history of not having any luck finding people I vibe with AND want to hang out together, so I know how hard it is to find someone.

I understand he's in his right to end things, but I'm really struggling to move on from this. It's been 6 days and I keep thinking he's gonna message me, change his mind, that we'll see each other again. I've been crying, feeling low energy and just overall sad. I'm also blaming myself, as I feel like if I had been the "chill girl" and given it more time, maybe we'd get in a relationship? I don't really talk to my friends about it because they'll say "stop being silly, it was only 6 weeks, be glad it happened", but I can't help my feelings are my feelings. He was really my type and I felt like the issues and turn offs I had with other men I didn’t have with him. I'd rather it never happened at all as this only made me feel how good it is to have someone only for it to be taken away from me. I usually am good at getting over people, but this one really stung me.

 

[MissCanuck]

This is the same guy who pressured you into unprotected sex on the first date, and sex acts you were not comfortable with? 

If so, I am sorry you are hurt, but you were warned repeatedly in your last thread that this guy was bad news. Did you continue to see him after all of that?

9 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

He was really my type

I am genuinely gobsmacked you would say this after all the huge red flags you outlined about him last time. 

11 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

as I feel like if I had been the "chill girl" and given it more time, maybe we'd get in a relationship?

Nope. This guy was just after sex. There was never going to be a relationship, Larissa. 

[Larissa1443]

4 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This is the same guy who pressured you into unprotected sex on the first date, and sex acts you were not comfortable with? 

If so, I am sorry you are hurt, but you were warned repeatedly in your last thread that this guy was bad news. Did you continue to see him after all of that?

I am genuinely gobsmacked you would say this after all the huge red flags you outlined about him last time. 

Nope. This guy was just after sex. There was never going to be a relationship, Larissa. 

He showed some improvement after I spoke to him, he was talking to me more, making plans days before we met, made this really cute romantic dinner. He cooks well, plays the guitar, is a hard worker, is attractive, we’d have great laughs and chemistry, he’d always pay for most things and look after me, ask how my day is etc. I haven’t had that in a long time… years maybe. 

I understand the bad side but there was also so many good things I liked about him that I haven’t found in other guys that I’m just upset really. I know I shouldn’t be but I am 😞

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, Larissa1443 said:

I'm also blaming myself, as I feel like if I had been the "chill girl" and given it more time, maybe we'd get in a relationship?

Oh sweetie, that was never going to happen.

He pegged you as just a girl to have sex with couple of times. When you asked for more he dumped you. He was honest from the start. And when people tell you who they are, you better believe them. It was you who pursued this thinking its some "relationship material" even though he constantly told you that he doesnt want a relationship. It doesnt matter whether he makes you dinner or even takes you out on a vacation, if he just wants sex he will just want sex. And you provided it to him wholeheartedly even allowing him to "raw dog" you. 

If you thing this is something you should cry about, you have a horrible taste in men. And you should change that completely, otherwise some next one would also be some "player" that would play you guitar and make you dinner but also wont have anything to do with you. 

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

He showed some improvement after I spoke to him

You should have let him go after he pressured you into unsafe sex and a sex act you didn't want to do. There should be no more chances after that, and now you are seeing why. 

Men who take you seriously and respect you don't behave the way he did on your first date with him. You sadly made the mistake of not heeding the warning signs. And you are seeing that actually nothing improved. He was just there for a good time and some sex. Nothing more. 

Please, as I said in your other thread, be a lot more careful with your heart (and body) next time. Don't keep going back for more from guys who show you they are awful from the very first encounter. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

"well I don't want to stop seeing you but I don't have time for you".  

Even though you're hurting now, you dodged a bullet. All he wanted was high risk sex and hookups.

He at least was honest about not stringing you along.  After the dust settles, you'll feel better that he's gone so you can find more respectful men to date.

[Lambert]

I remember your previous post... I am sorry you are hurting, but this guy is showing you what he is about... 

4 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

He cooks well, plays the guitar, is a hard worker, is attractive, we’d have great laughs and chemistry, he’d always pay for most things and look after me, ask how my day is etc. I haven’t had that in a long time… years maybe. 

None of the above matters when it comes to a partner.  In order for any relationship to work, both people have to want the same thing.  That is first and foremost.  He had sex with you knowing you wanted more and then dumped you after.  He is not a good guy.  He's a user.  

My advice remains the same, raise your standards.  As soon as someone does something or says something that hurts your feelings or shows you their true intentions- like telling you they don't want a relationship with you, you have to believe them.  Not the fantasy of the person they "could be".  

I think we all have been through things like this-- the heart wants what the heart wants, but you gotta use your brain.  

Nothing you did or didn't do was going to change this guy.  Try to stop beating yourself up for that.  Try to push yourself to stop focusing on this guy.  Move on.  Don't ever talk to him again. 

[Batya33]

I’m very sorry you’re hurting. Agree with the others. Also I think you behaved in a pushy and desperate way as far as asking to see him more often and that you’d basically settle for hanging out and overly accommodating his busyness.  This is not about you being a victim. It’s about you acting inconsistently with wanting a healthful and respectful relationship.  
Consider that you could have been out there meeting other people or simply doing fun and or creative stuff for yourself or by yourself. 

[LootieTootie]

Oh dear, you really need to have standards. The reason why he doesn't see your worth, is because you don't even see your own self-worth.

A guy who can play the guitar, crack jokes, cries about not knowing what he wants, is not a man to cry over. More or less, not a boyfriend or husband material.

I'm just going to be brutally honest with you and that this man used you for sex. I've been there and met many of these guys - they have came in to my life and always the same pattern. They're lookers, have ton of hobbies that make them more appealing, charming and witty- but at the end of the day, they will never ever care about your feelings no matter how much effort you put in. 

Go have a big cry but before you hit 30, learn to love yourself first before you try to make someone love you. When you don't know how to treat yourself because you don't love yourself, you attract the wrong people in to your life. This means you gotta date yourself before you're ready for a relationship.

 

 

[HeartGoesOn]

13 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

I'm sorry I can't give you that, and I sort of started crying and told him I think it's clear we don't want the same things and he said "well I don't want to stop seeing you but I don't have time for you". We went to sleep.

This translates to "I'm not interested in dating you, but I'll always find the time to be FWBs."

If you're up for going down that road by accepting to be demoted to that level, you'll be selling yourself for a cheap price. Try raising the bar...

[Larissa1443]

To be honest I find some comfort in reading these replies. For the past week I have been torturing myself thinking I lost a good person and also I keep fantasizing about him being the perfect man to another girl and her getting what I wanted. 

I woke up feeling slightly better and a bit irritated that I didn't trust myself enough to walk away and end things with him which ended in him ending it. 

It is comforting to know that no matter what I did, it wouldn't change his mind. I'm so scared of not finding someone that I was willing to accept this, and it hurts to be rejected, to know that this guy would probably do so much for a person he truly liked yet I wasn't that person. At least he was man enough to end instead of leading me on, but I really don't get why he acted all surprised when asked about a relationship when he was talking to me every damn day, seeing me every weekend, like what do you expect to come out of this? And the fact that he said when I told him I wanted to see him more during that week that "pressured him and turned him off"? Like, surely you'd be at least happy the person wants to see you more not turned off. That made me so angry for real. 

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

He cooks well, plays the guitar, is a hard worker, is attractive, we’d have great laughs and chemistry, he’d always pay for most things and look after me, ask how my day is etc. I haven’t had that in a long time… years maybe.

I hate to say this, but these are such paltry things. What about the real things, like friendship, support, love? Hold out for those!

[Larissa1443]

Just now, Jibralta said:

I hate to say this, but these are such paltry things. What about the real things, like friendship, support, love? Hold out for those!

You're right! I guess I have this "dream" guy in my mind. He was very caring, always asking how my day was, looking after me when we were together... but when I asked him about what he wanted and he laughed and made a joke to his friends about it, I was really hurt. But he made it sound like I was being crazy for asking that on the fourth date in so I just sort of accepted it. 

I feel like he's the sort of guy that will never look inwards and try to better himself. Oh well...

[Jibralta]

12 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

To be honest I find some comfort in reading these replies.

I am glad 🙂

14 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

At least he was man enough to end instead of leading me on, but I really don't get why he acted all surprised when asked about a relationship when he was talking to me every damn day, seeing me every weekend, like what do you expect to come out of this?

He was quite cold. But that was true from the beginning.

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, Larissa1443 said:

I feel like he's the sort of guy that will never look inwards and try to better himself. Oh well...

Yeah. Oh well.

[Larissa1443]

Just now, Jibralta said:

I am glad 🙂

He was quite cold. But that was true from the beginning.

Yeah he seemed pretty detached from it when he did it, said he had a lovely time but just doesn't have time for me lol. I'll never understand someone who'd rather not have you in their life AT ALL rather than making a slight change to yours so you can fit them in, hurts and goes to show how little I meant to him even though he cried, tears still mean nothing.

[Jibralta]

4 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

someone who'd rather not have you in their life AT ALL rather than making a slight change to yours so you can fit them in, hurts and goes to show how little I meant to him even though he cried, tears still mean nothing.

Kinda creepy, really.

[Batya33]

Talking every day doesn’t mean he wants to be in a potentially serious relationship with you especially when he’s already told you he doesn’t have time for you in any meaningful way. Talking every day and he’s also said he wants to be exclusive and sees serious potential - then the talks and seeing you regularly are consistent with with the words stating his intentions.  But he never said those words and in fact said the opposite. 

He would rather not have you in his life at all because he doesn’t want the hassle of knowing you want more than he wants to give. 

[Jaunty]

Please do some serious work on your self esteem.   You are not even being responsible to / for yourself at all in your desperation to have a boyfriend - evidently, ANY boyfriend, even one who treats you so poorly.

It doesn't matter if he plays guitar and "pays for most things."  The unprotected sex and the anal thing (on your first date no less) immediately outed him as a terrible prospect.   

Learn to take care of yourself.   

[Larissa1443]

When he told me he wanted a relationship but not sure if he wanted with me as it was too early, I felt sort of ***ty. I had obviously already thought about us being serious only for him to say "I haven't even given that a thought". I honestly don't understand how you're talking to someone daily and seeing them weekly but don't "give a thought"  about being in a relationship with that person if you're claiming being in a relationship is what you want. 

He never promised me anything really, and I can't say he lead me on or lied to me, but at the same time, it was super hurtful to know spending time with me, out of all things, was the least worth it. Any other thing in his life had more meaning than spending time with me. Never in my life I've had someone end things due to merely not wanting to give me more time. What could be more precious than wanting time with someone? I wasn't asking for gifts, dates, trips, meet his parents, his friends. I was literally just asking for time and that hurt like a mf. 

Also, English not being my first language, when we were talking I was crying and saying "I don't understand how you can just break up with me" to which he very rudely replied "stop saying break up, we never HAD anything". Like mate, I get it, I'm sorry if I speak two languages and you don't and not always will I use the correct terms, stick to what I'm trying to say. 

I find talking it through helps a lot though, I'm feeling slightly better than this whole week which was super ***ty and I felt very alone and sad. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

...when I asked him about what he wanted and he laughed and made a joke to his friends about it, I was really hurt. But he made it sound like I was being crazy for asking that on the fourth date in so I just sort of accepted it. 

Crazy for asking on a fourth date? This is the stuff to find out on or before a FIRST date. Asking outright is how to learn whether someone is aligned with your intentions and is even worth dating in the first place.

Not only did this guy give you the kind of crap answer that would have made me run instantly, he mistreated you and gaslighted you about it.

Don't trick your mind into viewing this guy as some kind of prize that you lost. He forced himself on your sexually, and he refused to use a condom to protect you from whoever else he's been abusing throughout his busy weeks.

I'm glad to read that you're becoming angry. It's a natural stage through grief, and this guy deserves zero of your energy beyond whatever rage it takes to propel yourself forward and far, far away from this loser.

Head high.

 

[smackie9]

Been in your shoes….he only had time for me once a week and didn’t want to put in more effort to see me. The writing was on the wall he didn’t want to give me more than that and tbh I never experienced that before with anyone . I think it was like 3 or 4 weeks of dating I dumped him. I felt a little deflated but such as life.  
I get it you are a bit thirsty for solid companionship and he seemed to fit the bill but it was not quite there. It turned into mass disappointment….crushing you. It’s good you realize this guy did the right thing. He didn’t want to string you along. Hope you find happiness soon. 

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

And the fact that he said when I told him I wanted to see him more during that week that "pressured him and turned him off"?

Eh, don't read into that. He was never in this to date you seriously, so he jumped on that as a way out. 

4 hours ago, Larissa1443 said:

He was very caring

Larissa. Again, a man who cares about you isn't going to pressure you to have sex with no condom nor "surprise" you by engaging in a sex act he didn't clear with you first. I don't know what your definition of "caring" is, but you need to re-think that. 

59 minutes ago, Larissa1443 said:

What could be more precious than wanting time with someone?

This is true, but only when two people have mutual interest in a future together. 

You will be okay again, and eventually you will see tihs guy was never going to be The One for you. But I would advise you stay single for a while and work on your self-esteem. It's low and men like him will take full advantage of you. 

[Jaunty]

Look.  Stop all this noise about the guy. 

He revealed EXACTLY who he was on your very first date.  NO MAN who had any potential for caring about a woman would insist on unprotected sex on the first date or try to force an act that she had not agreed to.  That's who he is, that's what he wanted with you.  

It's cringeworthy to read the crappy things he said to you - and then you slept with him more.  

Obviously he was willing to keep having sex with you; you were clearly available with no requirements.  So, he hung around a while.  As he told you, though, your talk about spending time together ultimately made it un-fun enough for him to call it quits.  

Don't treat yourself like this.

 

[JoyfulCompany]

I'm speechless and very concerned. This man assaulted you and instead of being disgusted (and filing a complaint) you're romanticizing him because he played the guitar and asked how your day was?!

Dear girl, do you have any experience of someone being actually kind and caring with you? You seem to be craving that but oblivious to what it looks like. I'm afraid that if you don't work on yourself (mostly self-worth), you'll be subscribed to a lifetime of dealing with users and abusers. You deserve so much more! Even if you've had a rough life so far, you need to find a way to start practicing care, kindness and compassion towards yourself. Being single forever is million times better than letting someone drag you down like that. Excuse my language but screw that trash of a man. He's a pathetic little soul that doesn't know how to give and connect. An empty shell in a somewhat attractive package. Heavily disturbed. No decent man would EVER hurt you like that. Assaulting you was sadistic, no less - his pleasure over your pain and potential suffering. Please, understand that. See it for what it is.

Throw away those rose-coloured glasses. You are blessed this man wasn't interested to use you further, otherwise I don't think you would've put a stop on that treatment.
The minute someone:
 - threatens your health and well-being (no condom, assault);
 - strings you along, plays hot and cold, says one thing but does the opposite, etc.;
 - treats you in a way you have to beg and negotiate for time and attention;
it is time to quit. These are basic boundaries (and there are many more). Without having those it's dangerous to date at all.