From angel to danger?

[Vordsophia]

I (28F) met a (32M) on okcupid. We hit it off right away and he sent me texts constantly to the point that I don't believe he was indeed working at all, from 7 o'clock in the morning till past midnight. He sent me photos and answered my texts right away whilst always telling me about his whereabouts. He told me he loved me before we even met, that I was his person and that he deleted all his dating apps for me. I never asked for any of those things and was alarmed of course... 

 

Then our first date went extremely well. We matched on nearly every single thing and he talked about marrying me in the future and having kids. I was alarmed again but, alas, was about to give him the benefit of the doubt. He drove me home and although we haven't hold hands up until this point, I kissed him. It felt cold and unresponsive. But we continued to talk and he told me that he is deeply in love with me. He arranged for tickets to a concert (I paid for my own ticket and it's okay) and he asked me to go on a professional trip with him on June. 

 

All in all we had 4 dates. By date number 2 he changed his fb profile photo to a photo of us and told his parents about me. Then at date 4 (and then last one) he told me that his parents said horrible things about him rushing things with me and that I am just a girl that is trying to lure him to benefit from him. But I have a good job (probably make more than him) and education, have paid for our second date and last two dates was just us sitting in his car! So he just paid for one glass of wine on the first date and that's it. The only things I knew about his financial status is that he is a military doctor (they honestly don't make much here) and I only saw his car which was a normal car. That's it.

 

In all of our dates and through texts and video calls he told me how much he loved me, how I meant the world to him, how I am the one for him and how I am a perfect human being. Sadly I bought into the fluttery. So I started having some feelings for him.

 

I was noticing though that he didn't make any sexual or at least sensual or spicy comments, nor did he kiss me with tongue nor did he touch me anywhere, even after I gave him the green light to do so, safe from the hands and hugs. So, when I told him twice to go to his place to get it on with (he lives with his sister but okay, I mean cmon), he was finding excuses. And I thought okay maybe he will propose going to a hotel maybe? But no. He proposed going to the hospital he works... But he said after the 13th of February. But why? Sure I told him he can take time if he wants to. But ain't that weird? 

 

Anyhow, on our last date, after he told me all about his parents disapproval, I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He showered me with love, adoration, he promised to never leave me and was kissing my hands and saying how extremely lucky he was to have found me. He even cried because he didn't eant to lose me. We even pinky promised (his idea) that we are a team and that we will be strong together. He asked me if I was okay to meet his parents so that they may be appeased, to which I said, yes.

 

 So after I went home, I sent him a message saying that I didn't want him to go just because of his parents, but only if he wanted to. And in less than 30 minutes from the time of extreme admiration (I honestly can't describe how reassuring and loving he was) he flat out broke up with me saying I'm weird and that it is suspicious that I wanted to go to his place and that I got scared because his parents found me out and that he doesn't know what's my motive for being with him. I called him to simply understand what went on and he was A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! Soooo incredibly cold and one worded. He didn't want to explain anything. He said he loved me no more and that it was all a game to him but that he never lied to me. It was just that my message was alarming him. When I asked what for, he had no answer. So I left it there.

 

Matter of fact is that I know I was stupid and missed so many red flags. But I am single since 2018 and honestly I just thought he was a decent guy. Help me understand this because my brain is so dead right now. Was he just a mama's boy, was he a psycho? 

 

P. S. He asked many times if it was okay for him to visit me in my work place and call me there. Why? I can't possibly understand.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Vordsophia said:

  was he a psycho? 

Sorry this happened. You definitely dodged a bullet. So many red flags. Is it possible that it's not his "sister" he lives with?

The only honest thing he stated was that it was all an act because none of his words or behavior makes sense.

[Betterwithout]

Yikes!
That man was clearly not ready to date.  Stage 4 clinger.
Ain't nobody got time for that.

It gets used a lot, but there really is not better statement:

you "dodged a bullet"

Move on to someone well adjusted.

[boltnrun]

Next time do not dismiss or brush off when you're "alarmed". Your initial gut instinct was correct. 

[Cherylyn]

Yes, he's a psycho mama's boy and weird!  Make your brain come alive and dump him stat!

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, Vordsophia said:

But I am single since 2018

That explains some things. For example how he managed to "love bomb" you to oblivion and that you submitted instead of just ran away. And you should have ran away before the first date. Its not normal for somebody to be so obsessed and to say that he loves you before the first date. Nore to told you how he wants to marry you and have kids right away. Its either

a) extremely disturbing

b) part of somebody love tactic as some peope fall for that. For example, narcissists often use "love bombing" as a tactic to make you fall for them.

Your man looks like he has "limerence". Limerence is a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves an all-consuming passion and intrusive thoughts. You see, normal people fall in love and develop feelings over time. Limerence people just get obsessed with other person. Him getting cold after one bad thing is a part of the condition. As nobody is perfect and as the idea of the perfect person shatters, so is his "love" for you. So its not out of the ordinary for the people of the condition, to just get cold after one thing they dont find good about you. 

Again, you dodged a huge bullet there. And you should have blocked that one even before first date.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Vordsophia said:

I just thought he was a decent guy.

Why did you think this?

He was waving serious red flags from before the first date. Listen to your own instincts in the future and do not pass "go" when some random on the internet says they love you without ever meeting you. I would have blocked him right then and there. 

8 hours ago, Vordsophia said:

Was he just a mama's boy, was he a psycho? 

Some of both, but I also wouldn't be surprised if he's not actually single. He sounds like a guy with a lot to hide and invents weird excuses and creates a lot of noise to divert attention from himself, and thus to avoid getting caught. Maybe she works at the hospital with him and he knew she would be off from Feb 13 onward. 

8 hours ago, Vordsophia said:

He asked many times if it was okay for him to visit me in my work place and call me there. Why?

Because this person is not stable. 

8 hours ago, Vordsophia said:

We even pinky promised (his idea) that we are a team and that we will be strong together.

Is he 12? Seriously, this man sounds like an overgrown chlid. This isn't something mature adults do. 

But the better question in all of this is, where the heck are your boundaries? You need to worry more about why you continued to pursue someone who showed you multiple times that he was not playing with a full deck. One thing is for sure: he was never an angel. He was always a nutter. 

[Vordsophia]

First of all thank you all so much for your replies and concern. Now, I can grasp the whole thing a bit more.

I'm still lost at the fact that he did a whole 180° on me in a matter of 30 minutes and just because I told him that I didn't want to lose him. I can't understand why that would be a red flag for him. Especially since he was the one to do over the f*cking top things and made all of these statements. But once I did, once I reciprocated, BOOM, I'm a weirdo.

I take full responsibility for my own actions. I rushed to fall in love, to believe things without proof, to being desperate almost for a relationship. I know I have my own problems and need therapy, because I will keep hurting myself if I continue on with being so naive and without standards and boundaries.

The fact that hurt me was that instead of owning up to his decision for breaking up with me, he instead tried to blame it on me and tried to call me weird and basically a psychopath. Sure, he could have been weirded out I don't know, or Maybe his ex returned or something, but hey, you can break up someone with some respect. There's no point in hurting them when they did nothing to offend or hurt you. But I guess I'm asking for too much from a stranger.

If anyone has to add something, or has some more insight, please. That would be awesome. Thank you all. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Vordsophia said:

 I have my own problems and need therapy, because I will keep hurting myself if I continue on with being so naive and without standards and boundaries.

You did nothing wrong. However you're trying to make sense of someone who appears to be off the wall. Hopefully you've deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.  Therapy to address whatever led you down this path seems like a great idea.

[Vordsophia]

Thank you for saying I did nothing wrong. I was beginning to lose my sanity at this point, struggling to find what I did wrong, what I could have said or not said, if my reaction was warrantied or not. I was afraid that I shoved someone good away. Turns out this is my problem. Being too submissive, taking all the blame, being afraid of losing someone even if the are a piece of sh*t. Therapy is the only way for me and I pray, I won't let my guard down again for nobody. 

 

And of course he is blocked! 

[Lambert]

I agree you can't make sense out of someone that is obviously damaged. But to be honest and to help you in the future-- you were wrong to excuse the love bombing, the coldness of the kiss, the car only dates and all his weirdo crap.  

I never discourage therapy.  We can all use it.  But the real solution is pretty simple--Don't allow yourself to use desperation and loneliness as excuses.  Get a pet, focus more on the other people in your life.  Wanting to be loved at any cost, will cost you.  As you can see-- four dates in with a nut and you are questioning your own sanity.  That's how damaging being with someone that is a mess can be to us.  

Fortunately, you got lucky this time.  EXTREMELY LUCKY.  You will know you are on the right track, when you reach the point where you are not only willing to be, but happy to be alone than to be with a nut.

Hang in there.  You are ok.  It'll be ok.  Take some time to love on you.  Appreciate all your good qualities and have a kind inner dialogue with yourself.  Just like you would a friend who went through something creepy.  Do something nice for yourself and put this behind you.

[JoyfulCompany]

Girl, NOPE.

This was a deliberate act. To lure you in with sweet nothings and when you're hooked - to pull back. What he gets out of it? Huge, huge ego boost. He enjoys playing with people's emotions until he gets bored.

Don't try to make sense of other people's actions. You're trying to rationalize it from your own understanding of the world but just know that there are all kinds of people's behaviour, some of it - malicious and it doesn't have to make sense for you to move on.

I've been single from around the same time (dating on and off) but I would never jump into something against my gut. Please, listen to your intuition. Also, remind yourself that your worth has nothing to do with wether or not you're in a relationship. And, generally proceed with caution. Love is a serious word, interested in doesn't mean loving, excited about doesn't mean loving, infatuated with doesn't mean loving, etc. People, who are big on words usually don't have the intentions to match them. Give yourself time to get to know people and to see if their actions meet their words.

I can bet he never told his parents about you, just used this ridiculous excuse to manipulate you. I also suspect that his social media may not have been his only or main account. But all this doesn't matter. Just don't ignore red flags.

Look deep into the reasons why you fell for this act, learn your lesson, work on your self-esteem. You can be in a committed relationship with a reliable and loving partner but you must protect yourself on your way there. Good luck.

 

[Lambert]

10 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

I've been single from around the same time (dating on and off) but I would never jump into something against my gut. Please, listen to your intuition. Also, remind yourself that your worth has nothing to do with wether or not you're in a relationship.

Just wanted to add-- me too!!  It's ok to be single.  Staying single means you are able to mingle and choose what is best for you!

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Vordsophia said:

I was afraid that I shoved someone good away

Someone good isn't a guy who declares his love for you before you have ever met him. 

That is the sign of someone who is not very mentally stable. Add all the other worrying details about him, and you've got yourself a right mess. 

21 hours ago, Vordsophia said:

He proposed going to the hospital he works... But he said after the 13th of February. But why?

Did you ask him why? If not, why not? And if you did, what was his excuse? 

5 hours ago, Vordsophia said:

I'm still lost at the fact that he did a whole 180° on me in a matter of 30 minutes

Look, after just 4 dates , you don't know him well enough to know what his baseline is, He sounded nuts from the very beginning, so if I had to guess, he is prone to these dramatic and sudden swtiches. 

Either that or his wife or girlfriend caught on, so he "had" to go on a tirade and shoo you away by making you out to be the insane one bothering him.

[JoyfulCompany]

@Lambert

Yes, it gives you perspective. Who are you and what you want outside of relationships. It allows you to learn ways to emotionally support yourself and have your own back. To not be scared of being alone. To appreciate human connection on many different levels.

Does it get hard or lonely - yes, sometimes. But it's normal and okay and you can allow yourself to be sad and crave your cravings. People get lonely in relationships, too. I know I've been there.

Do I want to be in a relationship - sometimes. You learn different set of skills when connecting with another person, mostly opening up and being vulnerable, etc. I would like to work on that, too. : ) But not with just anybody.

 

[Vordsophia]

Again thank you for your help and kind words of encouragement and reassurance. It means so much to me. I wanted to reply to each one separately but haven't figured out how to exactly 😅. But here we go!

It is true I need to reconcile myself with being single. I have my friends, a good paying job, my pets, I have my hobbies and a good loving and supportive family. I need for nothing. Only thing is I'm Greek and here, being single and not having a serious relationship or getting married is a bit frowned upon. You look alien. Especially if you are somewhat good looking, like I'm told I am. People then think you're strange. I ALWAYS get the line "How come a beautiful girl like you is single?" and it gets on my nerves. Beauty is not the only passport to love. But I shouldn't worry about these cultural nonsense. I'm old enough to know better and make my own decisions. 

Miss Canuck, on the 13th we were supposed to watch the premier of a greek series with a couple of his friends at his place and coincidentally that's the day when his sister would be out of the house, although he said I would get to meet her as well. So, we would all meet at 23.00 so I asked if he wanted me to come earlier to maybe get some alone time and have sex basically. To which he was trying to find excuses and just replied : "let me think about it". That's it. I can't make any sense of the whole thing.

Most of my friends and my family thinks he is a closeted gay. That's why he hangs out alone in parks (parks in Greece are dangerous and we don't hang out there, they are small and dark and mostly homeless and heroin addicts go there), because some gay men go to parks to find sex. (I'm deeply sorry, I don't want to stereotype or hurt anyone, I love LGBTQ+ people. My bestie is lesbian. It's just something I was told.) And they say that's why he was avoiding sex and sensuality and why his kisses were so cold. Maybe he Just couldn't do it. I don't know guys, this is a mess. All I know is that no man that wants a girl would decline sex. He could have found a way. Unless he wasn't into me that much and it's okay but, just say it or break up respectfully.

One thing is that he was insisting on putting a photo of us on Facebook. I told him that I was okay even if he didn't because it's super early on. People told me he used me to just get his ex back. Could be that.

The last and strangest thing is that he HATED beggars. I mean cmon, no heart? 

[MissCanuck]

This guy just sounds unstable altogether. 

Does he know where you live? Where you work? 

[JoyfulCompany]

Girl, I'm Bulgarian, tell me about social pressure to get married and have kids by your 30's (and the hundred more social constructs on appearance, gender roles, age, etc.). People can frown as much as they like. They're free to live life as they understand it. So am I, so are you. Thank god.

This guys is super shady and, honestly, doesn't even deserve the mental energy to figure him out.

You don't have to force yourself to stay single or anything. Continue dating if you feel like it, just be more careful. And definitely work on your self-worth. Something is not entirely healthy there to allow such behaviour.

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, JoyfulCompany said:

@Lambert

Yes, it gives you perspective. Who are you and what you want outside of relationships. It allows you to learn ways to emotionally support yourself and have your own back. To not be scared of being alone. To appreciate human connection on many different levels.

Does it get hard or lonely - yes, sometimes. But it's normal and okay and you can allow yourself to be sad and crave your cravings. People get lonely in relationships, too. I know I've been there.

Do I want to be in a relationship - sometimes. You learn different set of skills when connecting with another person, mostly opening up and being vulnerable, etc. I would like to work on that, too. : ) But not with just anybody.

 

Very nicely said.  I sometimes wish I had a relationship, too.  But!  Even when I am in one, I will continue to work on myself.  I had a thought while driving the other day-- why would I, a person who has been doing the work and improving myself so that I bring a lot to a relationship, waste my time on someone who hasn't been willing to do the same?  I wouldn't.  lol. 

It's not that I am looking for perfection or anything like that.  I am not even sure what a perfect person is.  But it does seem like the guys I meet and reject don't really have that great of a relationship with themselves.  So that tells me all I need to know and I move on.  Maybe I'll be alone forever.  Hopefully not.  LOL

[Lambert]

18 minutes ago, Vordsophia said:

Only thing is I'm Greek and here, being single and not having a serious relationship or getting married is a bit frowned upon. You look alien. Especially if you are somewhat good looking, like I'm told I am. People then think you're strange. I ALWAYS get the line "How come a beautiful girl like you is single?" and it gets on my nerves. Beauty is not the only passport to love. But I shouldn't worry about these cultural nonsense. I'm old enough to know better and make my own decisions. 

It's not just a Greek thing.  I totally hear this, too.  I remember two elderly ladies (friends of my grandma) basically screaming at each other in the street,

"You hear that, Helen!  So pretty NOOOO Husband!!"

"I can't believe it!  SOOO pretty NOOO husband!  Guys just want SEX! SEX! SEX!"

It was humiliating as there was a huge line of people standing outside a place just staring at me. LOL  

But! A dear friend of mine and I were discussing just this.  And she said "They say this because they see how wonderful you are and they wonder what's wrong with the guys!"

So maybe try to reframe your perspective.  It is after all perspective.  You can be single and lonely, sad and miserable... OR you can be single full of hope and faith that everything always works out as it should.  Right now, this is your time.  Enjoy it for when you do meet that great guy, it will still be work and compromises.  Right now it's all you, gf!  living for you! What a blessing!

[JoyfulCompany]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

the guys I meet and reject don't really have that great of a relationship with themselves

Spot on, this is very important to me. Last guy I was dating was super nice but so clueless about himself and way too eager to jump into something committed with me. Which always makes me think it's the idea about a relationship and the mould I fit for them. I want to get to really know someone and I want someone to really get to know me. Then they're free to like and love me, thanks. 🙂
I want a person who's curious about people and life. Not desperate that they haven't achieved the job, apartment, car, wife, kids by age X.

Last couple of days I'm thinking that I maybe would like to meet someone who's been through hardship and found their way out. I think it gives certain humility, compassion, acceptance of others and overall broader horizon. I'm not sure it's the only way to have those, of course, just my thoughts recently...

[Vordsophia]

Miss Canuck, not only does he know where I live and work, but he also has the phone numbers to both my workplace and home. Yep, I was THAT naive.

Joyful Company, so, you understand my struggles. Idk if it's a Balkan thing but it's frustrating. We should step up and be strong. 

Lambert, it's true it's not only a Greek thing, but I reckon here is more prevalent and oppressive in a way. 

 

[waffle]

1 hour ago, Vordsophia said:

. . . on the 13th we were supposed to watch the premier of a greek series with a couple of his friends at his place and coincidentally that's the day when his sister would be out of the house, although he said I would get to meet her as well. So, we would all meet at 23.00 so I asked if he wanted me to come earlier to maybe get some alone time and have sex basically. To which he was trying to find excuses and just replied : "let me think about it". That's it. I can't make any sense of the whole thing.

 

Why were you so desperate to have sex with him?  It's well within his rights to say no.

[Batya33]

I don’t think he did a 180.  He acted in a consistently unstable and manic way. Two sides of the same coin. Please for your safety be more careful next time especially since you’re particularly vulnerable to this sort of thing. 

[Vordsophia]

Waffle, I wasn't desperate to have sex with him. I was in fact the one who told him that I generally wait before having sex with someone. But I haven't had sex in a long time and I thought I could trust him and was turned on. Of course it was well within his rights to wait or not wanting to have sex but I just think it's weird for a man to want to avoid sex so much. I mean, either he can't have sex or he doesn't like me.