Vordsophia

Hello again everyone. After my last post with me trying to understand what went on in my ex's mind, I ended up realizing that I had no idea what went on in MY mind. So, I meditated on it, talked to people I love and, after a lot of tearful, heart breaking "sessions" here's what I found out about me: I'm a complete doormat. Now, this is something I impose on myself in order to keep someone by my side. As per my last topic, I willingly blind my own self, my own judgement and come up with the most outrageous justifications to cover up abuse and bad behaviors. Just because I fear that I'm unlovable and that I will remain single. That simply can't go on. The desperation. It hurts to understand how desperate one is. It hurt like hell when I did some days ago. It still hurts so bad. I used to be fearless, unstoppable, outspoken, bossy and sassy if you will. I didn't like the idea of marriage or kids at this point. No one had their way with me. Then at 15, I changed schools and was relentlessly and severely bullied. I had suicidal thoughts and after that year was no longer the same. Suddenly the idea of marriage and creating a family was stuck with me. I don't know how, or why. Come to today, I don't wanna be like that anymore. I'm only but 28 years old and I never had a normal relationship. All of my exes were abusing me emotionally and verbally. I can't take it anymore. Most importantly I wanna get a tougher skin. I want to let go of this fear and focus on me. I don't wanna be a "good", obedient doormat. I'm disappointed on me. It really hurts. I will start with Krav Maga lessons, maybe add kick boxing and I have already booked a therapy session (it's tomorrow finally). I know martial arts don't actually change one's psychology but I reckon they can make me a bit tougher. My loved ones feel like I am like dough, as they said. I'm very soft and thus, easily manipulated and abused. They are scared and worried about my emotional health. Any tips or help will me HIGHLY appreciated.

Guys thank you for all your insight. I truly appreciate it. I begin to accept he was just a lunatic and I easy prey. It made me feel better and yet also more responsible about my heart and soul. Learn from my mistakes, never let your guard down. Never surrender yourself too early. Always protect yourself. Don't jump into conclusions. Make them earn your trust!!! And just as great Amy once said: Love is a losing game. Thank you all for hearing me and wish you all happiness 💕

Thank you Batya33, you speak the truth and I'm really glad you were able to control your fears and did life YOUR way. Congratulations on your son and happy marriage. Btw, my mom never abused us. She is the kindness incarnate. So sweet. I am a mamas child essentially! But in all honesty, I have to lead my own way and find what I need and want. I wish you all the best. ♥️

You are 100% right as to what went on with my mother. Everytime she encourages me, makes justifications for mens' bad or shady behaviors and feels as if I had found my husband EVERYTIME! She tries to draw parallels with my relationships and her's with my father. She does live in wonderland. Granted she only had 2 relationships in her lifetime, the second and final being my dad. I was brought up to aspire to 3 things: Good education, good job and starting a family. All of these before 30. I was always told to aspire to mimic my mother who did all of those things by age 24! This left a huge imprint on me and my sister and we have both developed depression and generalized anxiety disorder (both diagnosed). She also has the same fear of ending up single in life.

Thank you all once more for your insight. This whole conversation helped me realize that I have been duped by my own self. Indeed, I was the one that willingly welcomed those weirdos into my life, just because I have the fear of being single. I never put myself, my well-being or my safety first. It was always this fear. My dad also told me this yesterday. He can see how frightened I am to the idea of ending up dying alone, without any husband and kids. I can't control this fear, it's consuming me and sabotages my choices in love. True, THEY find me first. Maybe they can see through my fear. I'm always being told how I look like a very good soul, that's not always good I suppose. Maybe they can read through me, sell me what I want to buy and then, boom, gone. I don't wanna play victim or anything. I know I'm wrong and I know I have equal responsibility for what happened in my life. I'm just afraid that I may be the "bad guy" in all of this. But yet again, I feel I was just grasping for some love and attention. I had no bad intentions and my feelings and promises were real. But, I didn't have time to prove it... All of this is problematic and I need to address it in therapy and with myself. I have to sort things out. You can't possibly know how much talking to all of you helps. I'm grateful that you keep on giving me advice and letting me know my own mistakes. It's eye opening and very helpful. I'm also considering starting meditation classes, maybe it will help with grounding and not getting too much in my fantasies.

Kwothe28, Very true. I used to have some standards back in the day, but when I realized how many years have passed with me being single, I thought that maybe I had to drop them and just accept whatever comes my way. In the sense of beggars can't be choosers. What is disturbing to the people around me is that I have seemingly everything. A good paying job, a very good education (Bachelor's in Theology from NKUA and I speak 5 languages, plus my native Greek), I have an extremely loving and supportive family, I have hobbies, pets, a very best friend and I'm told I'm very attractive (although I think I'm average). So what's wrong with me and falling for these men? It had also happened in 2021. A dude I met at work, he was fresh out of an 8 year old relationship, but I gave him a chance because he was all over me. He said he was my boyfriend and that we would get married and have children on date 1!!! On date 4 he introduced me to his whole family and ALL of them were asking me about details about our future wedding (?!). They were thrilled, so was I. He discussed (well better yet he DECIDED) how many kids we would have and their names and urged me to get a driver's license so that I can pick them up from school. By date 5 he said he loved me. He cried because he didn't want to hurt me or lose me, just like that, out of the blue. The extra catch if you will is that he didn't want to remove his ex from his social media, or her photos from his phone, nor did he want to give her back her belongings. And all of this flew right above my ears. Again I'M SO STUPID. By date 6 he wanted to have sex and when I told him I wasn't ready yet, he was over it. Mind you we spoke all day everyday day through viber and we met every single day for up to 8-9 hours. Three days later I ended things with him since I saw he was becoming cold and distant. So that's why I'm mad at myself. Because this is the second time I've been blinded. I did this to myself. I should have learned my lesson the first time.

Thank you JoyfulCompany, I truly appreciate that. It is rough but I'm still willing to hope. And yeah I am giving him too much attention, you're definitely right. Here's to our chins being up!

And to add to that, yeah I'm pretty inconsistent with myself and I know realize that. O have no standards whatsoever and flattery and big words and promises get to my head very easy. I thought he was a good one, despite of all the alarms going of because he was giving me his attention when non in the past had. So I thought his consistency meant truthfulness and honesty. Incredibly silly, maybe I'm not as mature as I should be.

Miss Canuck only my father and sister were able to see through his sh*t. They urged me to keep my guard up and that this goes waaaay to fast. My mom and best friend were the only ones encouraging me, because both of them as just as naive as I am and also, have very little experience with men. So, I as well as them believed that his words were true and his promises valid. That's what happens when you NEED to live in a fairytale so much. While I was alarmed, I ignored everything that would destroy my view that this is a "soul mate". Granded I am as stupid as a box of rocks when it comes to love. I need to fix that. I shouldn't be shocked, you are absolutely right. I felt the bullsh*t but ignored it. It was my mistake to myself. What shocked me was his RAPID transformation and his accusations. Sure, you like me no more, okay fine. Break it off with respect and don't hurt the other person. It shocked me cause usually when someone wanted to break it off woth me in the past showed clear signs and it had progression. Him though just completely transformed. I cannot begin to describe to you how COLD he was on the phone. Mind you just 30 minutes after he left me at my door, squishing me tight saying how much he adores me and just 16 minutes after my messages saying that I wanted him to stay in this relationship. So, yeah, kind of a shock. One other bit of information is that when I started crying in front of him he just starred, eyes wide open. When HE had cried earlier I was hugging and kissing him, saying that everything would be fine. I don't know guys, maybe he is a narcissist after all or juat another looney.

After much consideration and thought, I now realize that he was just either paranoid, narcissistic or this whole "relationship" was a trick to get an ex back, hence his eagerness to put a photo of us on Facebook. I have to accept this is going to be pretty much a mystery to me and move on. I'm constantly ruminating, trying to pin point exactly what I did wrong, what I said that could have altered his view of me but guys, I really can't. No one in my life can either. We are all shocked and confused. What bugs me is that I didn't deserve this. Sure, I am also responsible for letting this thing happen, but all in all I believe I'm a decent person and needed no additional drama in my life. I have told this piece of sh*t, the night that this all happened, that I have gone through a lot of pain and he said that he would never hurt me or leave me, kissing my head tenderly and looking deeply into my eyes. So sh*ty of him to do. So incredibly pathetic. I've been starved of love and attention in all of my previous relationships so that's why, sadly and naively, I believed him to be a good one. I will never make this mistake again. I have to address my issues and have already booked a therapy session. Your kind words and support was awesome. Thank you for helping this stranger. I truly appreciate each one of your replies.

Starlight you and everyone here are exactly right. He lovebombed me, I was hungry, bam that's a recipe for disaster... And I hold myself accountable for my stupidity. One question is WHY he did that. I mean, it wasn't sex because he avoided it. When I first mentioned it he was bordeline terrified. But he was the one who told me that I should be the one to initiate anything sexual! No clue. Second question, which episode do you speak of of Dirty John? I'm a podcast lover!

Batya33, well yeah I suppose you are right. He did say on the phone : "what do you think I'm bipolar or something?" which was weird. Again I have no clue about this man honestly.

Waffle, I wasn't desperate to have sex with him. I was in fact the one who told him that I generally wait before having sex with someone. But I haven't had sex in a long time and I thought I could trust him and was turned on. Of course it was well within his rights to wait or not wanting to have sex but I just think it's weird for a man to want to avoid sex so much. I mean, either he can't have sex or he doesn't like me.

Miss Canuck, not only does he know where I live and work, but he also has the phone numbers to both my workplace and home. Yep, I was THAT naive. Joyful Company, so, you understand my struggles. Idk if it's a Balkan thing but it's frustrating. We should step up and be strong. Lambert, it's true it's not only a Greek thing, but I reckon here is more prevalent and oppressive in a way.

Again thank you for your help and kind words of encouragement and reassurance. It means so much to me. I wanted to reply to each one separately but haven't figured out how to exactly 😅. But here we go! It is true I need to reconcile myself with being single. I have my friends, a good paying job, my pets, I have my hobbies and a good loving and supportive family. I need for nothing. Only thing is I'm Greek and here, being single and not having a serious relationship or getting married is a bit frowned upon. You look alien. Especially if you are somewhat good looking, like I'm told I am. People then think you're strange. I ALWAYS get the line "How come a beautiful girl like you is single?" and it gets on my nerves. Beauty is not the only passport to love. But I shouldn't worry about these cultural nonsense. I'm old enough to know better and make my own decisions. Miss Canuck, on the 13th we were supposed to watch the premier of a greek series with a couple of his friends at his place and coincidentally that's the day when his sister would be out of the house, although he said I would get to meet her as well. So, we would all meet at 23.00 so I asked if he wanted me to come earlier to maybe get some alone time and have sex basically. To which he was trying to find excuses and just replied : "let me think about it". That's it. I can't make any sense of the whole thing. Most of my friends and my family thinks he is a closeted gay. That's why he hangs out alone in parks (parks in Greece are dangerous and we don't hang out there, they are small and dark and mostly homeless and heroin addicts go there), because some gay men go to parks to find sex. (I'm deeply sorry, I don't want to stereotype or hurt anyone, I love LGBTQ+ people. My bestie is lesbian. It's just something I was told.) And they say that's why he was avoiding sex and sensuality and why his kisses were so cold. Maybe he Just couldn't do it. I don't know guys, this is a mess. All I know is that no man that wants a girl would decline sex. He could have found a way. Unless he wasn't into me that much and it's okay but, just say it or break up respectfully. One thing is that he was insisting on putting a photo of us on Facebook. I told him that I was okay even if he didn't because it's super early on. People told me he used me to just get his ex back. Could be that. The last and strangest thing is that he HATED beggars. I mean cmon, no heart?

Thank you for saying I did nothing wrong. I was beginning to lose my sanity at this point, struggling to find what I did wrong, what I could have said or not said, if my reaction was warrantied or not. I was afraid that I shoved someone good away. Turns out this is my problem. Being too submissive, taking all the blame, being afraid of losing someone even if the are a piece of sh*t. Therapy is the only way for me and I pray, I won't let my guard down again for nobody. And of course he is blocked!

First of all thank you all so much for your replies and concern. Now, I can grasp the whole thing a bit more. I'm still lost at the fact that he did a whole 180° on me in a matter of 30 minutes and just because I told him that I didn't want to lose him. I can't understand why that would be a red flag for him. Especially since he was the one to do over the f*cking top things and made all of these statements. But once I did, once I reciprocated, BOOM, I'm a weirdo. I take full responsibility for my own actions. I rushed to fall in love, to believe things without proof, to being desperate almost for a relationship. I know I have my own problems and need therapy, because I will keep hurting myself if I continue on with being so naive and without standards and boundaries. The fact that hurt me was that instead of owning up to his decision for breaking up with me, he instead tried to blame it on me and tried to call me weird and basically a psychopath. Sure, he could have been weirded out I don't know, or Maybe his ex returned or something, but hey, you can break up someone with some respect. There's no point in hurting them when they did nothing to offend or hurt you. But I guess I'm asking for too much from a stranger. If anyone has to add something, or has some more insight, please. That would be awesome. Thank you all.

I (28F) met a (32M) on okcupid. We hit it off right away and he sent me texts constantly to the point that I don't believe he was indeed working at all, from 7 o'clock in the morning till past midnight. He sent me photos and answered my texts right away whilst always telling me about his whereabouts. He told me he loved me before we even met, that I was his person and that he deleted all his dating apps for me. I never asked for any of those things and was alarmed of course... Then our first date went extremely well. We matched on nearly every single thing and he talked about marrying me in the future and having kids. I was alarmed again but, alas, was about to give him the benefit of the doubt. He drove me home and although we haven't hold hands up until this point, I kissed him. It felt cold and unresponsive. But we continued to talk and he told me that he is deeply in love with me. He arranged for tickets to a concert (I paid for my own ticket and it's okay) and he asked me to go on a professional trip with him on June. All in all we had 4 dates. By date number 2 he changed his fb profile photo to a photo of us and told his parents about me. Then at date 4 (and then last one) he told me that his parents said horrible things about him rushing things with me and that I am just a girl that is trying to lure him to benefit from him. But I have a good job (probably make more than him) and education, have paid for our second date and last two dates was just us sitting in his car! So he just paid for one glass of wine on the first date and that's it. The only things I knew about his financial status is that he is a military doctor (they honestly don't make much here) and I only saw his car which was a normal car. That's it. In all of our dates and through texts and video calls he told me how much he loved me, how I meant the world to him, how I am the one for him and how I am a perfect human being. Sadly I bought into the fluttery. So I started having some feelings for him. I was noticing though that he didn't make any sexual or at least sensual or spicy comments, nor did he kiss me with tongue nor did he touch me anywhere, even after I gave him the green light to do so, safe from the hands and hugs. So, when I told him twice to go to his place to get it on with (he lives with his sister but okay, I mean cmon), he was finding excuses. And I thought okay maybe he will propose going to a hotel maybe? But no. He proposed going to the hospital he works... But he said after the 13th of February. But why? Sure I told him he can take time if he wants to. But ain't that weird? Anyhow, on our last date, after he told me all about his parents disapproval, I asked him if he wanted to be with me. He showered me with love, adoration, he promised to never leave me and was kissing my hands and saying how extremely lucky he was to have found me. He even cried because he didn't eant to lose me. We even pinky promised (his idea) that we are a team and that we will be strong together. He asked me if I was okay to meet his parents so that they may be appeased, to which I said, yes. So after I went home, I sent him a message saying that I didn't want him to go just because of his parents, but only if he wanted to. And in less than 30 minutes from the time of extreme admiration (I honestly can't describe how reassuring and loving he was) he flat out broke up with me saying I'm weird and that it is suspicious that I wanted to go to his place and that I got scared because his parents found me out and that he doesn't know what's my motive for being with him. I called him to simply understand what went on and he was A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON! Soooo incredibly cold and one worded. He didn't want to explain anything. He said he loved me no more and that it was all a game to him but that he never lied to me. It was just that my message was alarming him. When I asked what for, he had no answer. So I left it there. Matter of fact is that I know I was stupid and missed so many red flags. But I am single since 2018 and honestly I just thought he was a decent guy. Help me understand this because my brain is so dead right now. Was he just a mama's boy, was he a psycho? P. S. He asked many times if it was okay for him to visit me in my work place and call me there. Why? I can't possibly understand.