How can I fix things?

[missymoo]

I’m 22, my husband is 15 years older than me.

I suffer with low self esteem and anxiety, I always have and felt comforted marrying my husband because he was so kind, patience and understanding with my struggles. We have a 6 month old son I have definitely struggled as a new mom but I’ve been to a great post partum therapy place for several months now- I look after my son virtually 24/7- my husband works 12 hour days in business management/consulting.

I’m a stay at home mom, I have no friends as I moved to be with him, I also have a bad relationship with my own family and have barely spoken to them in the last 5 years since leaving home.

Since our son was born, my husband has decided to set “boundaries” so if I’m anxious, upset or feeling negative about myself he does not want to be around me, he said it’s because he needs to de stress after work. I find it hard to even talk to him as a friend, it seems like when he’s home he always wants to be in front of his computer or on his phone to avoid me.

The other night for instance I was telling him I felt bad for forgetting to pick up something he asked for from the store and he’s like “ok go in the other room I don’t want to be around you when you talk like that about yourself.”

He does try to help with our son, but he will constantly yell for help so I don’t really get breaks. It’s constantly like, “where are the diapers?”, “how much milk does he need?”

So I don’t really ask for help anymore as it’s just easier to do things myself.

I’m not even sure what to do anymore, it feels like my husband wants someone a lot better or just different than me now. I can’t talk to him about things without him getting upset, even if he’s in the wrong I feel like he twists things back onto me always and I’m always apologising. 
 

 

[gsxr104]

It is always an adjustment when a new member is added to the family. I know it's not easy carrying the majority of the load on your shoulders especially when your spouse has set rules regarding when and how you two can or cannot converse. You mentioned how kind, patient and understanding your husband was with your struggles, did something happen to change that? I don't think he's looking at things with a clear mind. To me, he has a perfect opportunity to de-stress the home by spending time with his wife and son that he has not seen all day. 

Keep in mind that you are worthy of dignity and respect. Never let anyone make you feel otherwise. When and if you can, take your son for walks or to the local park. Young mothers, such as yourself, do the same and chances are good that you'll make some new friends.  Keep your thoughts positive and the likes of that will prosper. 

[poorlittlefish]

You've admitted that you have low self esteem and anxiety. Your husband must feel worn down by it and has placed boundaries in order to protect his own wellbeing. If he's not in a good place mentally, then that will affect his ability to do a good job and bring home the income needed to look after his family. If you are constantly asking for reassurance and saying nasty things to yourself, there's only so much he can reasonably be expected to cope with. In my experience, someone in a bad frame of mind doesn't listen to their partner and any reassurance felt doesn't last.

The question is what are you doing to improve your mental health so your husband no longer feels the need to escape from you putting yourself down? If you don't address this, O fear your situation will continue to get worse. You can get online or telephone therapy, so being at home with your child doesn't stop you from getting help and I would hope your husband would want to support you with it.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, missymoo said:

 he’s like “ok go in the other room I don’t want to be around you when you talk like that about yourself.”

It's great you're getting mental and physical healthcare through the postpartum program. Discuss your feelings with the healthcare providers there and see if you can get more help or some resources for new mothers.

Unfortunately your husband doesn't sound "kind, patience and understanding" whatsoever. When you want to talk to him, he basically tells you to get lost. 

This is another topic you could bring to the attention of your healthcare providers. 

Ask for tips on how to feel less isolated and overwhelmed. For example some household help or childcare help. If your husband works this much, budget some money for household and childcare help. 

[Batya33]

The boundaries are because you vent about how awful a person you are right -not just because you're in a bad/quiet mood, yes?

I mean think about if you were really exhausted and your husband insisted on singing really loudly to some commercial or some kids show you already have to watch umpteen times a day - and you were in the kitchen making a bottle, or food, or cleaning up so you couldn't get away from the incessant tuneless loud noise and singing.  Wouldn't you want to tell him to go in the other room and do that if you didn't have earplugs or headphones to drown out the noise giving you a roaring headache? That's likely how he feels but worse since while you vent you also want a response or sympathy from him.  

My husband came home from a really stressful business trip because he got stuck in one of those ice storm events and was delayed overnight.  I was tired from solo parenting and not having slept well.  And I made sure not to unload on him at all and made sure to show him how happy we were to have him home and safe and I had him tell us about his trip and let him vent some too.  It would have been unfair for me to vent about how tired I was at that moment.  

If you have mental health issues your husband should be supportive and it's on you to show him you are trying to get treatment and on you to be a team player and not do the constant negative talk especially when he just got home.  I'm not there -of course -and I'm sorry you're hurting -just giving my input and interpretation.  Good luck and feel better.

On the diaper thing -give him a tour of the stuff -show him where everything is - label things and send him an email listing where everything is and the most efficient routine for diaper changes/bottle making, etc.

[Coily]

It sounds like the two of you need to have a frank conversation about the baby's routine, and help each other by making notes and labeling things for ease of use. As I see it you would be asking him the same questions if you went into his office with your husband.

The biggest "fix" is making sure you two are communicating about things, without it becoming a pity party for either.

Also I would encourage you to find mother's groups that do lunches or that sort of thing. Start building up your outside the home activities that are kid friendly. One of my friend's with a 4 month old has told his wife repeatedly that she has to go out and do something anything while he is with their son, it was either that or she look at going back to work. He is doing that because he is seeing how unhealthy her being in the house with their child has become for her.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Coily said:

Also I would encourage you to find mother's groups that do lunches or that sort of thing. Start building up your outside the home activities that are kid friendly.

I loved being a SAHM for 7 years. (He is almost 14 and I went back to part time work about 6 years ago).  We were rarely at home and I rarely stayed in one place.  I didn't always do activities with others but followed my friend's advice and got out with him every single day if at all possible. 

Also I wasn't so into mom friends- restricting myself to meeting other moms -so I kept in touch with all my friends- even those in my hometown by phone - which helped me feel more connected.  I went to library story time, the local museum playroom and playgrounds and all before he could even crawl, let alone walk.  A baby in a stroller can come to a Starbucks, or on a walk with friends whether or not they have kids, etc.  

And when he was a bit older I volunteered a couple of times a year doing fundraising for the local public radio station and met some cool people!

[Tinydance]

I'm sorry that you're struggling and you have no friends. As a new parent there are normally groups you can join to make friends. Have you looked into doing anything like that? I can really relate though because I'm a new mother of a three month old boy as well and I agree that it can get fairly isolating. I actually have a lot of friends but I'm not catching up with them as much because it's hard going places with a baby and some places are just not really appropriate to take a baby to. For example when my friends go to a bar. My local council set me up with a new parents group though and also has playgroups and story time for babies at the library that I can go to. Is there anything like that you could join to make friends with other people who have kids?

I'm sorry your partner seems to be avoiding you but how often do you think you talk about your low self esteem and that you feel bad about yourself and things like that? Our partner is meant to be supportive but at the same time they're not actually supposed to be our therapist. A relationship doesn't really work if our partner is more like a therapist or carer to us. That can put a lot of burden on them. I do think it's kind of rude that your husband avoids you and just goes to another room. But if I'm going to be honest, it can actually be off putting if your partner puts themselves down all the time.

I think it's really important for you to continue with your support group/therapy and working to improve your self esteem. I know it's hard and especially with a baby but maybe try to push yourself to go out and socialise more and make new friends. It's hard for your husband to be the only person in your life and take your problems on as well.

[Betterwithout]

Having a 6 month old child at home is challenging to the best of marriages.
It's a tough balancing act for you.
Are finances ok?  I ask because there are two opposing stress points you both are having
-you having the sole work of looking after your child with little support
-him having to work long hours to make ends meet?  If you are going well financially, maybe he uses work as an escape?
Have you made time for each other?
Maybe a reconnection would be good.

Can you look at the potential of repairing your relationship with your family.  As tough as things get, maybe there is some things that can be resolved, or at least agree to disagree?
I know of a woman who had a bad falling out at age 16, but eventually repaired things as an adult after she had children.

[Cherylyn]

I've been on both sides of the fence with a very stressful job and I'm a mother.  My husband's job requires intense focus and concentration and in the past, he traveled A LOT.  We were both very stressed with busy careers and as new parents.

If I had a long day (or traveled for business), the last thing I would want would be to come home to a nagging spouse and endless "Debbie Downer" complaints about myself 24 / 7.  No one wants a "Negative Nellie" in their midst because you sound like a drag (with all due respect) and people get sick 'n tired of the "woe is me" talk.  It's no wonder your husband fled to his computer or cell phone.

I remember how isolated and lonely I felt as a new mother.  My husband traveled a lot, my family while helpful sometimes (with home cooked meals dropped off at my doorstep) still left me feeling abandoned.  I liked my residential neighbors.  They were nice.  However, everyone is busy with their own lives.  Since I felt lonely, I joined a local mother's group which met in a mutli-purpose room at a local hospital where my sons were born.  We met from 10AM to 12noon once a week, had potlucks, chatted and as babies grew up, we met at local parks for play dates and picnics.  I met a lot of great friends there.  I met a lot of great friends at my local church as well. 

I remember we had a "mother's night out" with movies, dinners out and during the holidays, we did a cookie exchange.  Each mother made several dozen cookies and printed her cookie recipe.  Bring a Tupperware container to the party.  At the party, you take two cookies from each cookie container so you go home with a variety of cookies and cookie recipes from each container.  Hot apple cider was served, we enjoyed holiday music and chatter.  I truly miss those days. 

I became busy but it was a happy busy type busyness.  I had outlets.  I was no longer in "doom and gloom" mode anymore.  I took the stroller out and squeezed in walks with my baby weather permitting.  Whenever the baby napped, I did what I enjoyed such as read some library books, worked on my sewing hobbies (quilting / sewing clothes / padded photo albums / crafts), cake decorating, calligraphy, embossing, etc.  I carved out a life of my own.  I made myself more interesting instead of "only" being a mother and a wife.  I created my own joy.

I'm sorry about your estranged family.  I hope there are amends somehow and sometime.

Your husband twisting things back onto you is gaslighting.  Gaslighting is calling you names, deflecting, manipulating the dialogue or conversation and you end up apologizing.  My relatives are experts at gaslighting.  I've apologized and I don't apologize anymore.  Never get tricked into gaslighting.  I can catch a whiff of a gaslighter from a mile away.  It's nasty psychological warfare. 

Type a "cheat sheet" complete with instructions regarding where diapers are, measurements for milk and any baby care information your husband can read for reference and instructions so he doesn't have to ask you about baby care.  You can tape it above the changing table, put it on the refrigerator with a magnet or a place where your husband can see it at a moment's notice. 

Try changing your life by making positive changes and take action by having your own life outside your husband's life, outside your marriage and at times, even outside motherhood.  You'll be happier. 

[catfeeder]

22 hours ago, missymoo said:

He does try to help with our son, but he will constantly yell for help so I don’t really get breaks. It’s constantly like, “where are the diapers?”, “how much milk does he need?”

So I don’t really ask for help anymore as it’s just easier to do things myself.

No, keep husband involved with baby, and instead of viewing this as relaxation time for you, which you can't do anyway, treat it like training time as an investment in husband so that he learns.

Otherwise, you'll paint yourself into the corner of never being able to rely on him to be alone with the baby. Don't do that.

I'm so sorry you're hurting and lonely. I'd suggest contacting a free crisis help line you can find on the Internet or through your local hospital or your Dr.'s office. Ask them to refer you to local resources for help with your anxiety and for finding support and friendships with fellow parents.