Lack of verbal affirmations and "I Love You"

[Betterwithout]

25 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

^ this!

I think our romantic partner is the most important person in our lives, and they should not have red flags or missing the most important of our desires.  
Anyone who recites internal self-talk of "I wish he/she did this", or "I wish he/she said these kinds of things" will run into a continuous evaluation and either be accepting of the short falls.... or they become a deal breaker.
So OP in short...  the bigger question is "can you live with it?"  Do his other excellent traits make up for his flaws?  A question only you can answer.

I should also mention that in the grand scheme of things, you have only "invested" one year with this guy.  It's not as if you are married for 10 years and now having the revelation.

Many people in mid-life question the shrinking pool of other available single folks and take the settling route for better or worse.
If you can live with that, live with it.  But if it were me after just one year and no serious commitment, I'd really put some thought into it and likely close the door. 

Life is too short and you might be back on this forum in 2 years proclaiming things haven't improved with this guy and now regretting wasting 3 years of your life unsatisfied.

[Andrina]

13 hours ago, BassnBabe said:

but I can't help but feel like he just enjoys my companionship. 

The right partner will make you feel special. Below is what would have happened if he were the right man for you.

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

The lack of this, along with an incompatible sex drive should be enough to exit this unsatisfactory relationship.

 

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, BassnBabe said:

But I do not "feel" loved by him.

This is really the only thing that matters.  All the other things you love about him, are surface level, on paper things that you enjoy and would miss without him, but do not speak to 'him" as person and a partner.   

I went through a similar experience.  That relationship looked great from the outside, but I was dead on the inside.  He was not fulfilling my needs in a romantic relationship.  And when I talked to him about it, he also fluffed it off.  When I broke up with him, he told people for months that "she just needs space".  To be honest that showed the disconnect.  The very last thing I needed was space! I wanted to be loved.  

[Betterwithout]

17 minutes ago, Andrina said:

"Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable."

woah!  I really like this!  How profound.  Would you be ok to share the source?

[Andrina]

4 minutes ago, Betterwithout said:

woah!  I really like this!  How profound.  Would you be ok to share the source?

 

Bruce Lee - Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In...

https://www.brainyquote.com › Authors › Bruce Lee Quotes

Yes, I should've added this initially.

[Cherylyn]

7 hours ago, BassnBabe said:

He is good to me.  The thing is - other than I'm the one who he spends all of his time with (when not at work, of course), he treats me like he could treat any other friend/family member.  He cooks for me, takes me to dinner/movies, etc....those things are GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  My X husband lacked in those areas and I always desired it.  But you can do that w/ ANYONE!  I appreciate those things and cherish our time together - I'm not complaining.

 

As far as the I Love You goes...he's not told me since December 27th.  I've told him a few times since then and he doesn't say anything.  Like "I sure do love you!" (in that context).  One night months back (I think it was November), we were getting off the phone (I was here at his house and he was at work out of state) - when we were hanging up, I said, "I love you, Bob."  His name isn't Bob, lol, but we will go w/ that.  He said, "Goodnight Mary!!" (very as a matter of fact).  And my name is not Mary - lol.  We hung up the phone and it was very hurtful because it was a couple of weeks after he had FIRST told me he loves me.  So I called him back and asked him what is going on here in this relationship.  He played dumb, of course.  He said, "I already told you I Love You."  I told him I understand that, but just to say goodnight when someone tells you they love you is kind of a slap in the face.  He told me he didn't need to tell me all the time.  FAIR, but still - "goodnight" was kind of a slap.  When he had first told me he loves me in October, he told me he may tell me every time we hang up the phone.  I just laughed and said that was fine.  Well, he didn't tell me again for quite a while - so "every time we hang up the phone" made me think I'd be hearing it at least daily (just not after every phone conversation).  It's all just so silly, but we are grown ass adults and shouldn't be so elementary.  If you love someone, tell them!  Ya know?

Long story short - we started calling each other babe and baby a couple of months into our newfound relationship last year.  Being a term of endearment, it made me feel special, right?  I had NEVER heard him call another female babe before.  Now - he calls other women babe!!!!!  It's the oddest thing!!!  His sister, niece, our dogs - and God only knows who else.  I don't know how many women he works around on a regular.  He works out of state (chemical plant work).  The fact that "babe" just flows out of his mouth so easy kind of took the specialness away from it when he said it to me.  Make sense?  Not to sound ridiculous, but I'm your woman and you call me babe - but now all other women are babe???  Say that to the wrong coworker or someone at the airport who is sitting next to you (he twice a week (there and back) - and if she's a lonely woman, "babe" could get her attention. 

 

Months ago he was at the airport and we were on the phone.  His flight was delayed and delayed until he had to go to the counter to get a hotel voucher.  I could hear a woman in the background talking and he said to her, "I'm in the same boat, babe!"  That was the 2nd time I had heard him call another woman babe.  I didn't say a word.  In my opinion, everyone shouldn't be babe all the sudden!  He just started calling me that and now everyone else, too??  He uses it VERY freely now.  He calls me baby all the time now, but very casually - just like he calls his great neices (babies) baby or our dogs.  

That may sound ridiculous, but can I have just ONE thing that is special??? 

I'm not even going to get into the sex.  It's almost non-existent.  He has extremely low testosterone (we just found out) and has very little sex drive (around me anyway!!).  In return, that makes me feel undesired.  Add that to no "I Love You" and calling everyone babe, and you have an insecure woman (me!).  LOL!

I feel like he almost undresses younger women (20s/30s) when we are out and about.  It used to be worse, but I've not noticed quite as much lately.  AGAIN, I'm not with him during the week when he's out of state.  When he drinks a little too much, he gets SUPER peacocky (confident)!  Liquid courage, ya know?  But he's slowed his drinking down quite a bit.  

So - there is definitely a lot of dynamics to this relationship - as there are w/ any relationship.  

Sadly, sometimes I just feel like he just likes my companionship.

It's considerate of him to help you by cooking, taking you out for dinner/movies. 

Since he doesn't say 'I love you' as often as you'd like, he's not going to force himself to say, 'I love you' because it makes him feel uncomfortable and it's unnatural for him.

Calling strangers 'babe' is weird.  Leering at women is very rude, immoral, intolerable and unacceptable.

If you are uninterested in dissolving and exiting this relationship, you'll have to accept him warts and all.  He's your package deal. 

He is not the type of man who possesses everything you want. 

[MissCanuck]

This sounds like a friendship that just doesn't have the legs for a romantic relationship. 

You don't feel loved. Intimacy is already nearly non-existent. You might have to concede that what seemed good on paper (the two of you together) does not work in reality.

[SooSad33]

On 1/26/2023 at 8:53 AM, Kwothe28 said:

But, lo and behold, he isnt good enough. He wasnt good enough and exhibit threats you are looking for, for almost 9 years. So why should he be good enough now? Its pointless that he is good to you, cooks for you and is generally a good partner, when you dont see that as "love" and seek validation of that love. Which he in no way or form can give you because, if in 50 years he isnt like that, he wont start now. So again, either accept that you settled for somebody. Or break up and seek somebody else who would give you that validation.

I agree here.  This is just who he is.  You can accept as is.. or not.  What you want & what he gives are 2 different things, obviously.

Also, as mentioned, men can tend to show a woman his 'love' in different forms.  While we're more affectionate ( being the nurturing type), men can do it by show of touch etc, and their mindset is more the 'provider'. ( Not always so verbal- as it seems you'd prefer).

So, are you truly 'happy' in this?  it sounds like you've found a whole new side to him you don't fancy... now that you're truly involved. And yeah, he has hit his 50's and you've both been thru a lot come this age.

I guess is time to figure it out.  Is he okay enough for you?