I'm so much bigger than my boyfriend

[Janice BBW]

So I recently started dating a good friend of mine.  We're both in college, and are both die-hard nerds.  As proof of this, we actually met playing Dungeons and Dragons, lol.  I've played a bunch in high school, and I figured this might be a way to meet new people.  Worked out better than I could have imagined!  We've actually been playing a bit now - two years.  And in all that time, I have to admit that I had a bit of a crush on one of the players - Mateo.  It wasn't serious at first - he was cute and smart, and we had fun playing and rolling dice together.

Two years it went on like that, and I while I grew to be friends with all of the group, I really sort of fell for Mateo.  Tried not to - seemed like the sort of thing that would just complicate everything.  But over time, we talked, got to know one another.  Met up outside of DnD nights with the rest of the crowd (I may have been a little flirty flirt with him at times, lol), and what can I say?  I fell in love.  He's so smart, super cute, he watches the same shows, plays the same games, laughs at all my lewd jokes.  It's great!  Eventually, he asked me to dinner.  I said yes.  And then promptly fell in love.

So that's all the good stuff.  Here's the bad.

I was never one for dating.  I think I went on approximately four dates in high school, and that's about it.  Mateo is my very first relationship.  I have some self-esteem issues - some of which are body related.  I'm a pretty tall girl - 5'10".  Mateo is quite a bit shorter than I am - I saw his driver's license once (we were comparing bad license photos, lol), and apparently he's 5'5".  To add to that, he's a skinny little thing, and I am...not.  I've always been fat my whole life, and I think it's fair to say I weigh well over twice what Mateo weighs.  I'm ***ing huge.  If I'm honest, it's our size difference that kinda made me hold back on pursuing him a little harder - I don't know that I would have asked someone his size out, if I hadn't have developed the feelings I did.

That sounds a bit shallow, and I get it, but it's not about him.  I think he's handsome, no matter how tall he is!  It's just that when I am noticeably taller than him, and like so much fatter, that standing next to him, I look like a ***ing elephant!  When we are in public, I feel more than a little self conscious.  Like people are staring at us and laughing.  I feel like a gross beast.

I know that's crazy, I doubt anybody out there really gives a ***, to be honest.  I'm sure nobody is REALLY looking, but I just get so in my head about it.  I was made fun a lot in high school, and carry that with me a bit.  My height doesn't help.  I just worry about how we look together, and it's become like this dark stain on my time with him.  I feel so pathetic for letting something like that get to me - thought I was a lot tougher than that.  Like I had this image of myself as someone who doesn't let thoughts like that bother me.  Then I fall in love, and suddenly I turn into a whiny little wimp.

If I'm really honest too, it's definitely affecting our sex life.  Again - me just getting in my own head, with the "I'm going to crush the little guy, how can he be attracted to me???" sorts of thoughts.

I'm in the process of looking for a therapist for my esteem issues.  Hopefully I can find something I can afford, but in the mean time, I just thought I could vent over here.  I don't want to talk about this with my DnD group, as that would be awkward

[left due to request]

6 hours ago, Janice BBW said:

I'm in the process of looking for a therapist for my esteem issues.  Hopefully I can find something I can afford, but in the mean time, I just thought I could vent over here.  I don't want to talk about this with my DnD group, as that would be awkward

It's definitely something you two should talk about.  I don't think he minds you being tall at all since he wouldn't be with you if that were true.  The truth of the matter is, he may be going through similar issues because he's thin and short and you may think less of him.

Talk it out and then do something together.  Like a gym memberships.  He can bulk up and you can thin down.  Not much you can do for heights but I think it's a good solution.

[lostandhurt]

So when you hung out as friends you never worried about the physical differences but now that you are a couple it has become an issue? Why do you think that is? Could it be you are afraid of losing him?

  If so then many times these things become self fulfilling.  The one thing you want to avoid and are afraid of is the thing that actually ends the relationship. You get all weird and start acting different and it causes problems.  I am glad you are seeking out someone to talk to, I would think the college has resources you can reach out to.

  He may be wondering why you want to be with him so just relax and accept that he wants to be with you and enjoy it. 

 Is it your weight that is making you feel insecure or is it the difference in body types?

Lost

[Batya33]

Would I notice a couple who looked like this. Yes. Would I react in any way - no - or focus on it - no - like most people I have better things to do then notice how two people look together. If there is mutual attraction that’s all that matters. Are you happy with your weight and do you feel healthy at this weight ? That’s also all that matters. 

[boltnrun]

If I saw you two in public I'd think "that's awesome, they love each other no matter what!" I love non traditional couples. 

Do you want to lose weight or are you happy with your statuesque figure?

[Kwothe28]

I mean its unconventional. Saw a couple at the bookstore while I was buying a gift. She was big and he was so small and scrawny. Usually you see it the other way around as women like to feel secured and protected so they tend to go for symbolism of that, usually in the form of height. 

Its unusual, but shouldnt be that much of an issue. People like what people like. If he likes you and you like him, there is no problem at all. So, just relax. And yes, working on your self esteem is a must. And have fun at D&D. Watch out from greedy Wizards and their new OGL though. 😁

[SaiKiiAdou]

I have known a few couples with bigger women and thin guys...seems not super exotic to me 🙂

You are young so I think its normal that you are worried about what other people out there think. As long as you know that they dont make the rules 😉

Sure there are probably people out there that judge, there always are, but deep down they probably wish they were in a relationship like yours, where they are accepted and loved just as they are. 

 

[left due to request]

It's the society norm that's in play here.  Men are supposed to be bigger and women are supposed to be smaller.  This concept goes back to mankind and it's burned into our heads.  That is the norm she's fighting whether she was addressed directly by others or not.  There are no solutions for that and we all know it since this society norm is true in most cases.

People fighting out of the norms will always be more self aware than those who are considered 'normal'.  The OP needs help in dealing with that and not portrayed as an 'odd couple'.  that's all.  I don't understand all these comments about why and what she feels about herself since that has little to no relevance in this case.  She loves that small man and the small man loves her for who she is.  That's isn't the questions or advice she's looking for.  (maybe i'm wrong but not likely)  so if your recommendation is to ignore it, then that's only temporary solution, since any new group they interact will, once again, 'look' or even 'comment' about them.

No they shouldn't have to do anything and ignore those damn people but the fact remains that it's not the social norm.  To alleviate some of the stares and comments, they should both work on what they can to fit in.  If fitting in is not the option, then be proud.  I only suggested the 'gym' since both can reduce some stares by doing this since it sounds as though others' opinion may actually lead to destruction of their relationship.

OP, you don't need to worry about the public eyes but you already know that.  If you would like to fit into this tiny boxes our society has created to fit you in, then do something about it.

 

[waffle]

I actually know a guy who is short and skinny who will ONLY date BBWs.  It does happen.

[spinstermanquee]

i had a boyfriend who was shorter and skinnier than me, it never bothered me.  he had some issues though when i wore heels, which i thought was kind of juvenile.  at the time nicole kidman and tom cruise were married...

[boltnrun]

What about Zendaya and What's His Name? Neither of them seem to mind.

I imagine your boyfriend enjoys your statuesque figure.

[SmellCrossestheLine]

You have to be honest with yourself and with him. If you are not physically attracted to him because of his short height, than you aren't. 
If you are just worried what others think, don't be. They are not thinking of you nearly as much as you are of them.

[poorlittlefish]

8 hours ago, waffle said:

I actually know a guy who is short and skinny who will ONLY date BBWs.  It does happen.

I used to have a colleague who was HUGE, as in her arms were bigger than my thighs.  She went to clubs that were for guys into BBW women and was never short of attention.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

What about Zendaya and What's His Name? Neither of them seem to mind.

 

Tom Netherland is Spiderman. You dont reject Spiderman! 😁

[Lambert]

You have to honor how you feel.  If you are into the guy and he's into you-- then you have to consider why that isn't good enough for you.  

If your self-esteem is just low, then what?  What are you willing to do to work on yourself?  Check out the bookstore.  See if any of the self-improvement books appeal to you.  How about some exercise or dancing?  It is proven that moving and exercising raises our moods.  

[tufntender]

On 1/17/2023 at 9:17 AM, lostandhurt said:

So when you hung out as friends you never worried about the physical differences but now that you are a couple it has become an issue? Why do you think that is? Could it be you are afraid of losing him?

  If so then many times these things become self fulfilling.  The one thing you want to avoid and are afraid of is the thing that actually ends the relationship. You get all weird and start acting different and it causes problems.  I am glad you are seeking out someone to talk to, I would think the college has resources you can reach out to.

  He may be wondering why you want to be with him so just relax and accept that he wants to be with you and enjoy it. 

 Is it your weight that is making you feel insecure or is it the difference in body types?

Lost

I precieved this as they have never met in RL. Regardless, if he knows about her weight and height and so does she I see nothing wrong with going forward. Attraction isn't always physical. I had a long term relationship with someone who wouldn't be in any way considered handsome by conventional satandards, I became attracted to him per his intellect , wit, compassionate and loving way. I thought of him as a beautiful human being and didn't give a flip as to what society thinks

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, tufntender said:

I precieved this as they have never met in RL. Regardless, if he knows about her weight and height and so does she I see nothing wrong with going forward. Attraction isn't always physical. I had a long term relationship with someone who wouldn't be in any way considered handsome by conventional satandards, I became attracted to him per his intellect , wit, compassionate and loving way. I thought of him as a beautiful human being and didn't give a flip as to what society thinks

No, she said they walk around together in public and that she worries people might be staring. But I agree, how they feel about one another is what matters.