Why am I so afraid of the honeymoon stage when it comes to love?

[DanielleClear]

I have this complex about being afraid of being deeply in love in the early stages of a relationship, because people always make fun of those early stages.

First loves and honeymoon stages...they're being naive, foolish, blind, thinking they all have it figured it out, until the big, bad "real" love comes along and knocks out all what they thought you knew and had.

I'm afraid of looking stupid, I'm afraid of looking young, lots more that's hard for me to put into words but really want to get over, all in all.

[Jibralta]

20 minutes ago, DanielleClear said:

I'm afraid of looking stupid, I'm afraid of looking young, lots more that's hard for me to put into words

I think you answered your own question here.

You'll eventually let go of those fears as you mature. You probably won't even notice when it happens. Until then, it's ok to stay in your comfort zone (or test its boundaries!) as you see fit.

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, DanielleClear said:

.First loves and honeymoon stages...they're being naive, foolish, blind, thinking they all have it figured it out, until the big, bad "real" love comes along and knocks out all what they thought you knew and had.

Have you been hurt before? The process of falling in love is usually pleasant and if it's working, evolves into a content happiness.

Are you afraid of losing control or getting so caught up that it's just downhill from there?

[spinstermanquee]

Have you maybe watched friends lose themselves in the honeymoon phase?  It's a lot different being on the outside looking in...

[Kwothe28]

If you have been hurt before it makes sense to be "on the guard" when it comes to new partners. Especially if you are older and it happened a few times. People learn through experience. Its like trial and error thing. When something doesnt work, especially if it doesnt work a few times, you stay out of it. Its important to remember that its pretty normal. You being in a honeymoon stage, having a rose colored glasses about partner and not seeing a red flags. It happens and doesnt mean a next partner is going to be same. Here, some wisdom from BoJack Horseman.

[left due to request]

There are no 'perfect' ways to fall in love.  Your anxiety maybe due to uncertainty, past experience or possibly you may have a commitment issues.  It maybe that progression of your relationship may be frightening you but I don't think there's anything wrong with making mistakes or looking dumb during your 'honeymoon stage'.  People are telling you about 'red flags' but try to enjoy the time. 

I never knew which phase I was in during relationship but most were pleasant and in time, childish.  Regardless of stages, always try to keep open minds to understand your partner.  This is the time to learn about each other and be open and honest to each other.

Not all relationships are perfect and not all relationships have red flags.  Some of these flags are very slow to emerge and some may just be misinterpretations.  Be patient and be understanding and most of all, enjoy the time.

Even after you marry, you will still learn about your partner.  Don't be afraid but accept it with open arms and see where it takes you.  Good luck and I sincerely wish the best for you both.

[Batya33]

There is no uniform honeymoon stage and there is no uniform way to fall in love. Staying in love is about giving love far more than feeling love 

[DanielleClear]

Hi, everyone. I should clarify I've never dated before and am not in a relationship, so this is not a "I'm jaded from love" kind of thing. I guess I really absorbed a narrative from people looking back on their own relationships and shaking their head at how besotted they were when they first met their partners, especially first loves/young love, even receiving advice from people when they remark they "thought they knew it all" back then. It doesn't even have to be the quality of the relationship---they can still be great partnerships---but I have this fear of being seen as young and dumb in general and it's drifting over to love concerns, too...

[left due to request]

2 minutes ago, DanielleClear said:

Hi, everyone. I should clarify I've never dated before and am not in a relationship, so this is not a "I'm jaded from love" kind of thing. I guess I really absorbed a narrative from people looking back on their own relationships and shaking their head at how besotted they were when they first met their partners, especially first loves/young love, even receiving advice from people when they remark they "thought they knew it all" back then. It doesn't even have to be the quality of the relationship---they can still be great partnerships---but I have this fear of being seen as young and dumb in general and it's drifting over to love concerns, too...

I'm not sure how young you are but if you are a minor, there are no better resources than your own parents.  If you are not a minor, then other people sharing their views should help you regardless whether you agree or not.  I sense that you just don't want to appear as a newbie during this phase but face it.  You are new at this by your own admission.  Live and learn but don't forget the mistakes you will make.

[DanielleClear]

6 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

I sense that you just don't want to appear as a newbie during this phase but face it. 

Yes, that is it, I think. I'm 25, btw.

[left due to request]

Well best advice I can give you is that don't do anything that you don't want to do.  If your partner says this is what usual relationship should be, then correct him.  Let him/her know that you are different and you simply don't want to do what others do.  There's nothing wrong with being new at anything.

good luck

[DanielleClear]

5 minutes ago, rsml123 said:

If your partner says this is what usual relationship should be, then correct him.  Let him/her know that you are different and you simply don't want to do what others do. 

Thank you.

Can you give examples as to what the bolded can be?

[left due to request]

I all depends on what you don't want to do.  Money for example: cosigning, sharing rents, buying a house... or it could be something sexual.  The point is, if you don't feel comfortable doing anything, then don't.  There are good people out there but there are some bad ones there too.  Just complying to his/her request because you like the person so much but not necessarily something that you would do, then stop.  Request is a request, if you say no, it will not damage a true relationship.   No, is probably the best tool to weed out some of those 'bad' people.

[indea08]

1 hour ago, DanielleClear said:

Hi, everyone. I should clarify I've never dated before and am not in a relationship, so this is not a "I'm jaded from love" kind of thing. I guess I really absorbed a narrative from people looking back on their own relationships and shaking their head at how besotted they were when they first met their partners, especially first loves/young love, even receiving advice from people when they remark they "thought they knew it all" back then. It doesn't even have to be the quality of the relationship---they can still be great partnerships---but I have this fear of being seen as young and dumb in general and it's drifting over to love concerns, too...

All of the people who made these remarks surely went on to love again. I have several exes that I reflect upon and say “what the he|| was I thinking…” but even those relationships taught me lessons. The only way to become wise (aka not a young newbie, as you’ve stated) is to experience life and learn those lessons. The experiences and lessons will be a little different for all of us, and that’s what makes us unique. You’re supposed to look back at your past and cringe a little. That’s how you know you’ve grown. That’s a good thing.

[Batya33]

There always are judgey types. I was seen as:  too picky , too old to have a child, elitist in what I was looking for, not smart about relationships.  I also was seen as strong for not settling , a successful professional, great with kids , ambitious and a good person. You cannot live your life worrying about what people think.  Or perceive you as.  Especially if you want a successful relationship. 

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, DanielleClear said:

I have this complex about being afraid of being deeply in love in the early stages of a relationship, because people always make fun of those early stages.

How do you mean 'make fun of it'?  May just be what YOU have heard from others, but I am not aware of it that way, lol.

Hey, if you fall for someone, so be it.  It is your journey.  One's meant to enjoy it & learn from it, if it doesn't work out.

 

46 minutes ago, indea08 said:

even receiving advice from people when they remark they "thought they knew it all" back then. It doesn't even have to be the quality of the relationship---they can still be great partnerships-

Okay, but that is their experience & from their perspective.  But, this is how we learn.  We need to experience these things.

And no, not all those that 'fall in love', end up being blind to things.  They actually make it work for them...

 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, DanielleClear said:

but I have this fear of being seen as young and dumb in general and it's drifting over to love concerns, too...

What happens if someone sees you as young and dumb? Do you stay that way forever? Are they perfect? Have they never made a single mistake?

[DanielleClear]

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

What happens if someone sees you as young and dumb? Do you stay that way forever? Are they perfect? Have they never made a single mistake?

Very true. This is a good reminder...

[Cherylyn]

Have no fear.  Love has different stages.  There is definitely a honeymoon phase for most couples. 

I remember when my husband and I were crazy in love with each other during the early stages of our dating, courtship and as newlyweds.  Of course, we're still very much in love with each other but it's more of a settled love, feeling gratitude and never taking each other for granted type of love.  We went from the infatuation stage to being secure and comfortably in love.  Also, we treat each other with consistent respect which is love. 

Being in the honeymoon stage forever is unrealistic but it's ok.  The honeymoon phase transitions to appreciating each other and feeling high in love even when you're not together.  I feel very in love with my husband even as I'm walking in a parking lot during errands!  It's sort of a honeymoon feeling without gushing about each other in person.   

I can't speak for anyone except myself and how my love for my husband evolved and transformed through the years.  He's always considerate of me so it works both ways.  Everyone's experiences are different. 

[DanielleClear]

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Have no fear.  Love has different stages.  There is definitely a honeymoon phase for most couples. 

I remember when my husband and I were crazy in love with each other during the early stages of our dating, courtship and as newlyweds.  Of course, we're still very much in love with each other but it's more of a settled love, feeling gratitude and never taking each other for granted type of love.  We went from the infatuation stage to being secure and comfortably in love.  Also, we treat each other with consistent respect which is love. 

Being in the honeymoon stage forever is unrealistic but it's ok.  The honeymoon phase transitions to appreciating each other and feeling high in love even when you're not together.  I feel very in love with my husband even as I'm walking in a parking lot during errands!  It's sort of a honeymoon feeling without gushing about each other in person.   

I can't speak for anyone except myself and how my love for my husband evolved and transformed through the years.  He's always considerate of me so it works both ways.  Everyone's experiences are different. 

Oh, I definitely agree with you. The honeymoon stage does not need to last forever for love to be deep, real, and even passionate. In fact, I think what comes later is so much more meaningful and beautiful, because it is an incomparable trust and belonging and love. Words are too small for what I want to say, but I hear you. 

I think this really wasn't my fear, though: what's happening inside of my own relationship. I'm afraid of others' perceptions of my relationship, but I'm getting over it now...

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, DanielleClear said:

Oh, I definitely agree with you. The honeymoon stage does not need to last forever for love to be deep, real, and even passionate. In fact, I think what comes later is so much more meaningful and beautiful, because it is an incomparable trust and belonging and love. Words are too small for what I want to say, but I hear you. 

I think this really wasn't my fear, though: what's happening inside of my own relationship. I'm afraid of others' perceptions of my relationship, but I'm getting over it now...

@DanielleClearThe type of love that comes later is established,  enduring love. 

Don't care about what other people think because they don't matter.  Stay focused on you and your life.  Everyone else is outside your sphere.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, DanielleClear said:

 I really absorbed a narrative from people looking back on their own relationships and shaking their head at how besotted they were  

Unfortunately, this is a skewed narrative. Your experiences won't necessarily follow that trajectory.

Hopefully when you are ready to date you'll develop your own interpretation and insights 

Try not to let other's negativity influence your own experiences. "Shaking their heads how besotted they were" is an extremely negative mindset. As if you're destined to fail once the novelty wears off.

Be the architect of your own life and relationships. Try to avoid negative people who have such a jaded view of relationships.

[catfeeder]

On 1/16/2023 at 6:13 AM, DanielleClear said:

I'm afraid of looking stupid, I'm afraid of looking young...

To whom?

Identify this audience that frightens you. Figure out exactly who they are and how much weight their opinions 'must' impact the way you navigate your life.

Are they real people, or some imaginary judge and jury you carry around in your head?

You can always opt for mature discretion--don't tell certain people anything you don't want them to know. Have a deflection answer ready for unwanted questions, such as, "Let me think about that. I can come back to you on it."

Nobody else is living our love lives FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote.

If your habit has been to disclose everything to someone, practice shifting into a more private way of managing your life. Over time this will teach you confidence, which will translate into relationship confidence as well.