Is my coworker a virgin, or shy, or not interested?

[Sindy_0311]

Hi there, need some advice from Switzerland... 

I have a crush on my coworker since 2 or 3 month (but we know/work together since 2019). We work for the same company, him as a gardner and me as the manager of the company's store (I have a higher position). He sometimes comes to the store to help me move heavy furniture or install some stuff. Last time I needed an employee to help me change the exhibition, he asked his subordinate if he could come help me on that day. He always stays a little bit longer, ask me if I need help to change that or this and often stays one hour more. he also proposed to come to my home once to help me fix a furniture (that was actually a test, I told him I couldn't manage it and in the second he proposed to come help me) That evening, once he finished he said he might go so I offered him a glass of wine and he accepted, but nothing happened, we were just talking... 

We see each other only at work, when I need an employee to help me. 

he displays every signs of an interested man, sometimes he's nervous, blushes, have eyebrows shaking(really), smiles a LOT, loughs, makes jokes, teases me, glances, stares at me, touches his beard or fixes his outfit when talking or bumping into me, makes much eye contact when he tells me his (not so funny sometimes:-P) stories, provides much help, etc.... But  he never compliments me on my appearance and never really touches me (except: when we install or move furnitures, we accidentally touch arms, hand or shoulder and he doesn't move back, on the contrary he tends to linger in... ) He asks a lot of questions, from my past relationship, about my ex husband he once saw a long time ago, he wants to know were he works, if he earns much of money, asked three times if we are still together, (didn't get the fact that I'm actually divorced and "single" for one year). My ex husband is a very good looking man, and I suspect that he thinks he's less attractive. my coworker is a man you can tell is having lack of confidence, and can't be considered as a very good looking guy, he has a little limp. My best friend told me he looks uncool (or corny?) and that I'm out of his league. But I just like him the way he is and the way he looks, to me, he is attractive. 

At our office Christmas party, he stared at me a lot during the evening from across the room, and he invited me to dance (and no other girl). I kinda ignored him the whole evening because I wanted to see how he is with other people, and realized he is very shy, and doesn't speak much with his coworkers. Just when me and my 5 (girls) coworker were dancing a little bit, he approached and began dancing with us (no other guy around, just him) and after 10 minutes took my hands to dance) When I changed position, and put my hand on his shoulder so he could put his on my waist, he laughed a said Hey no no! Like was it too much of touching???

Once he told me about his past relationships, and I understood that for 10/15 years he is in Switzerland, he had no girlfriend. He had 2 in Romania, but one of them didn't want sex before mariage, he broke up with her after two month. 

He told me he tried dating apps and going out but that now he's no longer searching. He also told me he wants kids, I'm already 39 and have a 7 years old boy, but I didn't tell him I don't want more. He tends to brag a bit, like telling me he's having a good situation in Romania, a house, etc... That he now only is a gardener but he used to have better jobs... he also told me he booked a trip in Brazil in February for 6'000 dollars, and asked me joking, do you come with me?.... 

He called me once on a Sunday night 6 pm. I didn't hear the call. He texted me "Hi" 15 minutes later. (3 weeks before that call, I told him to call me if he wanted to have a drink) One hour after his call, I texted, "Hi", but he didn't answer. The next day on Monday, I called him for work stuff and he pretend that the call was work related but that he forgot it was Sunday... (he retreated back, I think, because there's no way he could have known he was going to work with me again until that Monday morning... )

This first of January, he texted me Happy new year... (first time he does in three years)  We never call or text out of office hours (except for these two days when he reached out) 

I suspect he is a virgin, or not experienced, because of his manners, He doesn't touch me and seems uncomfortable when I talk about relationships, or sex or his potential girlfriends and he blushes. He's 40 (but looks like a boy, still innocent) and I'm 39. I'm experimented and had many different guys in my life (40 or so...) But I don't think he knows. Sometimes he sees me flirting or laughing with strangers or coworkers. I'm clearly more sociable than he is. I'm by far not a 10 on the scale but I do attract men... and I'm confident in the seduction game. 

Once I asked him, don't you want to go have a fondue (Swiss speciality) tonight with me? and he said, "No tonight I can't, I have something up", with a annoyed tone, which was strange to me, like I bothered him by asking... This details is the only one which makes me think is not that into me. ( But that was before the office Christmas "dancing" party and before he proposed to come to my house help me fix the furniture)

What do you think? Not that into me? He thinks I'm not the right fit? is he a virgin? unexperimented? afraid?

And what should I do now? I can no longer wait for him to ask me out. I'm going crazy. I still date other guys but I'm too attracted to him and can't focus on the other guys... I don't want a committed relationship with him, but I want to spend time with him, learn more and try to understand him. Casually in the beginning and see where it goes. I'm badly attracted to him and I F enjoy his company 😛

Thanks for helping me (sorry was long, but details matter sometimes) 

Sindy, from Switzerland

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Sindy_0311]

One more thing I forgot to mention. The day he proposed to come help me fix the furniture at home, I purposely watched him on the security camera as he went back to his colleagues. I know he told them he would come to me the same evening because one of them joked about him banging me that night... And his reaction was just a shy smile and he walked away... 

[Batya33]

It doesn't sound like you two would be a match since he seems to want a family and you don't so it's not worth the risk. In my opinion you are behaving unprofessionally with him given your position at the company.  It also sounds like you are flattered by his seeming sexual attraction to you and you're oversharing about personal stuff in this work setting including talking about sex and offering him alcohol. 

It sounds like you are flattered -but you don't actually like or respect him as a person.  He probably is enjoying the flirtation and perhaps realizes it would be unprofessional to take it further.  I think you're overthinking it way too much as far as your ex husband's physical features and you believing he is comparing himself to your ex.  Seems way out of left field.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

   He doesn't touch me and seems uncomfortable when I talk about relationships, or sex or his potential girlfriends and he blushes. 

He seems to like you as a friend and coworker but perhaps doesn't want workplace romances or complications.

It's doubtful his reticence is due to virginity and more likely boundaries with coworkers.

Hang out if you enjoy his company but date others to keep your options open.

[smackie9]

I just took a refresher course on workplace harassment, and he is following the guidelines by not touching you or complimenting your appearance. Those are no no's. Even at the party he showed you he has respectable boundaries. You are in a higher position so he is definitely watching his p's and q's. I doubt very highly he's acting this way because he's a virgin. Casting such judgment on your fellow employee is wrong. If he wants to date you, he will ask you at an appropriately time and place. 

Let it start slowly, and see where it takes you. if it doesn't happen, then it doesn't happen. Smile lots, be friendly might be the key. 

 

[boltnrun]

Why are you talking about sex to a coworker? 

[justplainme]

yes i agree with smackie9s response he could be worried that he could lose his job and if he did take a shot with you and it did not work out he could be thinking about that, however the key i find is eye contact you said he has good eye contact, maybe just approach him one more time and just ask to talk tell him you like him and would like to get to know him more and explain that nothing will affect the working relationship. me myself i am a very romantic man well i try and if i liked someone and picked up the signs then i would make the move but i have my own dilemma with a woman i am dating so maybe i am not the best person to offer advice however i wish you all the best and hope that it works out for you

[Batya33]

16 minutes ago, justplainme said:

maybe just approach him one more time and just ask to talk tell him you like him and would like to get to know him more and explain that nothing will affect the working relationship. me myself i am a very romantic man well i try and if i liked someone and picked up the signs then i would make the move but i have my own dilemma with a woman i am dating so maybe i am not the best person to offer advice however i wish you all the best and hope that it works out for you

Yes -after she quits her job she can do that.  If she does that now to a subordinate she very likely won't have to quit as she'll be asked to leave or worse.

[DarkCh0c0]

You are craving attention and are crossing workplace boundaries.

Why don't you date men outside the workplace? When is the last time you've been on a date? Do you go to group hobbies?

[Kwothe28]

But the absolute audacity of OP who thinks the man is a virgin just because he doesnt want to shag her. Maybe he is gay? Would that suit your ego more and be more appropriate answer to ease it?

[Lambert]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But the absolute audacity of OP who thinks the man is a virgin just because he doesnt want to shag her. Maybe he is gay? Would that suit your ego more and be more appropriate answer to ease it?

These were my thoughts as well.  

As the senior person in the workplace, you are opening yourself up to being fired or sued for sexual harassment.  

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Lambert said:

These were my thoughts as well.  

As the senior person in the workplace, you are opening yourself up to being fired or sued for sexual harassment.  

Especially when bringing up sex and talking about it to a lower level employee.

If someone who was in a superior or higher level position at my workplace attempted to discuss sex with me I'd head straight to HR and file a complaint.

7 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

He doesn't touch me and seems uncomfortable when I talk about relationships, or sex

Please stop this unless you want to lose your job.

You say you are attractive and get a lot of attention from men. I would suggest focusing on men who are not at a level below you at work. 

[Tinydance]

I'm not really sure why he's not asking you out or making a move. It's just hard to know if he really has no experience or is a virgin, or whether maybe he just likes you as a friend. I mean it's true he could be shy but he was at your house and drinking a wine. I would think if he liked you in any way (romantic or even just sexual), he would feel more relaxed after the wine to do something? 

What I think is not fair though is let's just say he is inexperienced with women. He said to you that he wants kids, but you don't want any more children. If he said he wants kids and he's 40 then he probably wants a serious relationship and to settle down. You said you don't want a serious relationship with him but you just find him attractive. I'm guessing you just want to sleep with him? I don't think you should pursue him because you're not suitable to him. You don't want any more children and he does. If he knows you have a son then maybe he's hesitating to make a move because he doesn't want to date a woman with kids. 

It's hard to say why he's not doing anything but he probably has reasons for it. Surely he can't be that shy that he couldn't even ask you to have lunch together at work or go for a coffee, seeing as you're colleagues. I wouldn't necessarily say he has no experience or he's a virgin just because he's not pursuing you. Maybe he actually is seeing someone else. Shy people aren't always virgins.

[Sindy_0311]

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why are you talking about sex to a coworker? 

It was a discussion we had about sex before mariage and I told him I found difficult to mary someone without even now if there’s a connection sexually speaking. That’s all. 

[Sindy_0311]

14 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You are craving attention and are crossing workplace boundaries.

Why don't you date men outside the workplace? When is the last time you've been on a date? Do you go to group hobbies?

yes maybe I crave attention, but only from the men I'm interested in. isn't it normal?? I'm not crossing boundaries... I don't touch him and didn't do anything wrong, and don't even talk about him to my coworkers, I'm very cautious.

I do date men (online first and in person), last time was last night, and I couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like dating my coworker. that's my problem. I don't know how he feels about me and I can't move on...I feel stuck.

I don't go to group hobbies, I'm an introverted, and like doing things alone in the comfort of my home...  Which surely doesn't help to meet someone. 

Thanx a lot for your reply 🙂

[Sindy_0311]

11 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

But the absolute audacity of OP who thinks the man is a virgin just because he doesnt want to shag her. Maybe he is gay? Would that suit your ego more and be more appropriate answer to ease it?

He's not gay, but that at least would be an answer and help me move on 😉 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

13 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

that's my problem. I don't know how he feels about me and I can't move on...I feel stuck.

He's just a friendly colleague.

18 hours ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Once I asked him, don't you want to go have a fondue (Swiss speciality) tonight with me? and he said, "No tonight I can't, I have something up", with a annoyed tone, which was strange to me, like I bothered him by asking... This details is the only one which makes me think is not that into me.

You have your answer. When you asked him out for the real deal, he rejected that advance.

Now you need to move on to men who actually go on dates with you and with whom there are no games.

[Batya33]

You're behaving inappropriately with this person (yes including talking about how you like to have sex to see if there is a "connection") and you have a very intense need for male attention and somehow you think that he must be feeling inferior because your ex husband is a handsome man -these are red flags -I mean red flags for you to evaluate before you get even further into this mindset and risk your job or worse.  

My sense is either he's not that into you (yes even if you are so so attractive and a successful business person, etc) or he is but is smart enough to see that you are crossing lines and it will only get riskier if he goes further with the boss.

[justplainme]

I don't know what its like where you are but the company i work for has strict rules against relationships with coworkers and you have to let HR know that there is any interest because the company needs to protect themselves and their employees, maybe have a chat with your HR and ask the question you don't have to mention names etc. but get the evidence if its a no no from the company then you unfortunately have to remain coworkers and that's it as hard as that is when you like someone. however if the company does not have strict rules then try and arrange a coffee outside of work and lay your cards on the table and see what happens but try not to get to emotionally involved because i am having issues with this with the Woman i am seeing. one thing i will say is the comments from Batya33 are really good and these comments have helped me figure out what my next move is. i wish you all the best 

[Sindy_0311]

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You're behaving inappropriately with this person (yes including talking about how you like to have sex to see if there is a "connection") and you have a very intense need for male attention and somehow you think that he must be feeling inferior because your ex husband is a handsome man -these are red flags -I mean red flags for you to evaluate before you get even further into this mindset and risk your job or worse.  

I do have a need for male attention, I've always been like that. But I don't think I'm behaving inappropriately as he talked first the sex before marriage subject... 

And I'm not his boss, just in a higher position in the company 😉 

 

16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

My sense is either he's not that into you (yes even if you are so so attractive and a successful business person, etc) or he is but is smart enough to see that you are crossing lines and it will only get riskier if he goes further with the boss.

I think you are right, he is not into me (enough) and I will just let my need for male attention aside for a while haha. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Sindy_0311 said:

I do have a need for male attention, I've always been like that. But I don't think I'm behaving inappropriately as he talked first the sex before marriage subject... 

And I'm not his boss, just in a higher position in the company 😉 

 

I think you are right, he is not into me (enough) and I will just let my need for male attention aside for a while haha. 

Yes ha ha.  You have a higher position than he does. That is why.  Ha ha.  Laugh from a distance -it won't be funny if you don't stop justifying unprofessional behavior.

[Sindy_0311]

6 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes ha ha.  You have a higher position than he does. That is why.  Ha ha.  Laugh from a distance -it won't be funny if you don't stop justifying unprofessional behavior.

I don't know where you come from but in my country we don't have these strict rules. In fact in our company we have 3 couples, even one manager/employee couple. and I have always been cautious not to touch him or embarrass him in any way. just being friendly. Is that unprofessional??

Justplainme, told me you have great advice, but you sound a bit sarcastic to me.

Anyway, thanx again for your replies 😉 

[justplainme]

9 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

Justplainme, told me you have great advice, but you sound a bit sarcastic to me.

i was referring to my problem and post, yes at first i thought it was sarcastic but i took a step back and see that the comments were straight no messing about and saying it how it is but thats on my post.

[Batya33]

40 minutes ago, Sindy_0311 said:

I don't know where you come from but in my country we don't have these strict rules. In fact in our company we have 3 couples, even one manager/employee couple. and I have always been cautious not to touch him or embarrass him in any way. just being friendly. Is that unprofessional??

Justplainme, told me you have great advice, but you sound a bit sarcastic to me.

Anyway, thanx again for your replies 😉 

I think you're crossing beyond friendly particularly given your supervisory position.  I met my husband originally at work so I'm well aware that workplaces can be great for meeting someone's partner.  You're toying with him and you're justifying bad behavior on your part for your ego it seems, your need for male attention and to remind yourself that in the past someone who was really handsome married you and that this is somehow a reason a man might be intimidated if he feels he's not as attractive. Perhaps reevaluate your own values and standards. Certainly be friendly -keep it professional.  IMHO you are not being professional and I've stated above why. 

If where you work it's ok to talk about sex with subordinates and flirt and socialize as you particularly described go for it.  Perhaps he is familiar with other rules and/or despite how awesome you are he's just not "that" into you. Leave it be and try out meeting people where you don't have these numerous obstacles - you won't have the particular thrill of the chase or the challenge but it might suit you at some point to actually get to know a person because you like and respect the person, not because it's a challenge to figure out why in the world a male individual might not be interested in you.  

[Sindy_0311]

20 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

not because it's a challenge to figure out why in the world a male individual might not be interested in you.  

You are so mean to me 😞