Guy cancelled first date

[OliviaJJJ]

This guy I've been noticing asked me out for coffee the other night and gave me his phone number. I texted him the next day and we set something up for Sunday. He texted at 9 am and said something urgent came up and could we reschedule until the following weekend. I said sure, no problem and gave him my availability for both Saturday and Sunday.  He texted back a couple of hours later with "ok, maybe Saturday would work then." I found that to be a bit ambiguous given he was the one to cancel and ask to reschedule.  I feel he should have been the one to nail down the time if he really wanted to see me.  I didn't bother to respond. 

Am I being too harsh? 

[Starlight925]

At this early stage, give it until later  this week to decide if this is a blow-off or something genuinely came up.  

He could have had a family emergency that's taking him out of town, and he's simply not sure if he'll  be back by Saturday.

Benefit of the doubt at this point.

[reinventmyself]

I would agree it's not a good sign.   If you're not sure what to do simply let the week play out and see how he handles it.  You'll have your answer.

He may surprise you.

[smackie9]

Hmmmm maybe he’s figuring it will be the same place and time agreed upon before. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, OliviaJJJ said:

This guy I've been noticing asked me out for coffee the other night and gave me his phone number.. He texted at 9 am and said something urgent came up and could we reschedule 

How and where did you meet? Yes, the ball is in his court now.

It's possible he chickened out. Last minute "urgent" excuses sometimes mean a change of heart.  Is he married?

[Kwothe28]

9 hours ago, OliviaJJJ said:

Am I being too harsh? 

I would say "maybe". The point of the first date is to have a meeting between two people liking each other. While he did reshedule, he also did called you on date and set up original date. Pouting because he rescheduled and didnt offer exact time isnt the point of having the date. Especially when he already agreed to Saturday. So you not offering the reponse is kinda harsh.

On the other hand, yes, he should have offered alternative date if he rescheduled. But again, you should have told him its not OK to you that he rescheduled and be done then. Instead you offered an alternative date. And he agreed. And then you stopped responding. What I am saying is, date or no date, you should have communicated this way better.

[Batya33]

I'm on the fence too. Since you were kind enough and conscientious enough to give him your specific availability, he should have chosen one of your times or suggested a specific alternate- not expected you to keep your whole Saturday open, tentatively.  So I would have responded "thanks for responding.  I can keep those times open Saturday until [one day from now? two?] so when you know just let me know, thanks!"

[Tinydance]

Well you don't have to chase him but maybe just say: "OK let me know about Saturday" and just leave it after that. If he doesn't try to set up the date then he might not be as interested as you thought he was.

[Lambert]

Only time will tell.

He cancelled and then seemed luke-warm to your offer to reschedule.  You probably can do better.  I would leave the ball in his court.  Don't initiate any conversations and don't allow yourself to be strung along.  If/when he contacts you again, see how it goes.  If he doesn't set definite plans and follow through, block and delete him.  You can do better.  People will waste your time.  You have to make good choices.  

[OliviaJJJ]

2 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Only time will tell.

He cancelled and then seemed luke-warm to your offer to reschedule.  You probably can do better.  I would leave the ball in his court.  Don't initiate any conversations and don't allow yourself to be strung along.  If/when he contacts you again, see how it goes.  If he doesn't set definite plans and follow through, block and delete him.  You can do better.  People will waste your time.  You have to make good choices.  

Yes, this is what I thought, too. I thought the response was wishy washy. No definite time, right after I told him my exact availability. If he really wanted to reschedule, he would have simply nailed down a time. I didn't really buy the "urgent matter" but figured I would give him the benefit of the doubt since he did actually ask to reschedule. Once he sent the "maybe the Saturday could work" I decided he didn't actually want to go and was looking for a way out. I don't want to be strung along. At that point, I felt the best response was none.

[OliviaJJJ]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How and where did you meet? Yes, the ball is in his court now.

It's possible he chickened out. Last minute "urgent" excuses sometimes mean a change of heart.  Is he married?

We met where I work. He's always smiling, saying hello and making a point of saying goodbye. I think he has a nice smile. The other night he came up to me and said he would love to go for coffee if I was available. I don't know if he's married - he's always alone, but the thought did cross my mind. I think you're right that he chickened out. I didn't really buy the urgent matter excuse, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. When the reply came, I thought it was too ambiguous - i mean, its a cup of coffee, not the red carpet to the church. Seems silly he even asked in retrospect. If he's that fickle now, later would be a disaster.

[Lambert]

1 minute ago, OliviaJJJ said:

 Once he sent the "maybe the Saturday could work" I decided he didn't actually want to go and was looking for a way out. I don't want to be strung along. At that point, I felt the best response was none.

Exactly!  That response would put me off, too. 

Whenever a date cancels on me, I always respond-- no problem.  Hope things go well. Let me know when you'd like to reschedule.  The end. No more conversation from me. 

Some people just want to cancel.  Let that thought be your default reaction.  A person that is interested in getting together, says things like-- "hey, (insert reason here) so I can't meet as planned, are you free on (insert new time here) instead?"

[OliviaJJJ]

3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Exactly!  That response would put me off, too. 

Whenever a date cancels on me, I always respond-- no problem.  Hope things go well. Let me know when you'd like to reschedule.  The end. No more conversation from me. 

Some people just want to cancel.  Let that thought be your default reaction.  A person that is interested in getting together, says things like-- "hey, (insert reason here) so I can't meet as planned, are you free on (insert new time here) instead?"

This is it. When you're legitimately interested, you'll apologize and set a new time without the vagueness and we all move on to the next day and time. I guess I can analyze why he even bothered to ask in the first place, but that will never really be answered.

Thank you -its simple really, isn't it?

[Lambert]

2 minutes ago, OliviaJJJ said:

This is it. When you're legitimately interested, you'll apologize and set a new time without the vagueness and we all move on to the next day and time. I guess I can analyze why he even bothered to ask in the first place, but that will never really be answered.

Thank you -its simple really, isn't it?

I totally is... people who want to be your friend, your partner, in your life etc make an effort.  If they are playing games or being weird don't waste your time.  

As a young Lambert 🙂 I always thought things had another meaning and I wasted time trying to figure other people out.  Then one fine day, it hit me-- people are nuts and the ones that aren't prove it pretty obviously- by not acting nutty.  LOL

[Batya33]

36 minutes ago, OliviaJJJ said:

This is it. When you're legitimately interested, you'll apologize and set a new time without the vagueness and we all move on to the next day and time. I guess I can analyze why he even bothered to ask in the first place, but that will never really be answered.

Thank you -it’s simple really, isn't it?

I like your thinking a lot. I hope you stick to those standards - good ones IMO!

[OliviaJJJ]

Update FWIW

He texted me this morning and said "I hate to do this but i have to cancel again on Saturday for the same issue as last time. He said he would "definitely like to meet up with me at some point soon but I think you said you are leaving on a big trip soon?"

I didn't confirm any plans? What plans? The last communication was last Sunday when I decided not to respond to his maybe. I feel like he's breadcrumbing - surely he realizes I didn't confirm or even reply?

I have so far ignored the text. I think I will continue to do so because my gut is screaming red flag. But why is he doing this? What is the point? Its been a week - I didn't get in touch. Leave it alone already.

 

[Wiseman2]

28 minutes ago, OliviaJJJ said:

 why is he doing this? What is the point? Its been a week - I didn't get in touch. 

He's a timewaster. Maybe multidating, maybe in a relationship. Too many lame excuses. Smile and hit the block button.

[Batya33]

If you wish to reply I would write "thanks for letting me know.  Maybe you have me confused with someone else as you never made a plan with me for Saturday.  I'm sorry you're having difficulties."  

[poorlittlefish]

He met you, but he's since met someone else.  He wants to date her on Saturdays and keep you in the background as a Plan B.  I had that happen to me, I didn't realise at the time and when I did, it made me feel terrible.  Tell him that you need to meet someone who's more available to date and do just that.

[jul-els]

His interest level is little to none. Don’t waste any more of your time, just move on. 

[Andrina]

My best guess is that he has a gf and that he's a jerk. That he noticed you were attractive and sensed you thought the same, and it was a heady spark for him. He crossed a boundary to feed the spark, and then got spooked about his mistake, or his gf made major plans he couldn't back out of for both weekends.

He might be on his last legs with a relationship and envisions you as someone to monkey branch to, but if that's the case, he's still a jerk.

If you never had to see him again, if it were me, I'd block his number. Since you seem to regularly see him at work, in that case, I might text: I'm no longer interested in a coffee date. (and whatever minor ditty you want to add to that). That is, of course, if you want to avoid conversation about the matter when he sees you at work. And then you can block his number. 

[OliviaJJJ]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

My best guess is that he has a gf and that he's a jerk. That he noticed you were attractive and sensed you thought the same, and it was a heady spark for him. He crossed a boundary to feed the spark, and then got spooked about his mistake, or his gf made major plans he couldn't back out of for both weekends.

He might be on his last legs with a relationship and envisions you as someone to monkey branch to, but if that's the case, he's still a jerk.

If you never had to see him again, if it were me, I'd block his number. Since you seem to regularly see him at work, in that case, I might text: I'm no longer interested in a coffee date. (and whatever minor ditty you want to add to that). That is, of course, if you want to avoid conversation about the matter when he sees you at work. And then you can block his number. 

I think you're (and everyone else) are right. Anyway, I'm not all that interested in going for "coffee" any longer and I never did respond. I woke up feeling pretty meh and feeling stupid I even fell for this nonsense. 

I did consider saying I was no longer interested (or saying ("i'm definitely not interested in coffee with you) but I just left it. I AM going on a big trip and I leave Monday. I took a leave of absence from my work so I won't even have to see him at all.

By the time April rolls around, I will have long forgotten this whole episode (am already now) and by the time I'm back at work, I will just return to the regular employee/customer relationship.

It's idiocy that he thought we had actual plans - I made no confirmation or even responded to the 'maybe saturday' thing. That shows a whole level of arrogance I didn't consider - or even saying "I definitely want to meet up." Just say you can't go without all the irrelevant chitchat. Like literally he's an imbecile. For myself I would never have bothered if I was in his position! I would have taken the hint.