Wife is not interested in sex

[Orbital]

Long story short, I’m 39 and my wife is 37. We have been together for 8 years but married a little over a year. We don’t consistently have sex anymore. That has probably been the case for a few years now. A lot of that has to do with petty arguments and me choosing porn/masturbation for some of that time. I know that put a huge dent in things, so I have over the last couple of months expressed that I want to improve our sex life, which we are intimate maybe once or twice a month. I am so frustrated. My wife has recently told me a few times that she just doesn’t really care about sex, but we still go on dates, she will get all dressed up, etc. then we get home like tonight on NYE and she says “well, I guess I can just lay there.” Which honestly doesn’t make me feel good because it’s clear she doesn’t really want to have sex. I told her I’m upset and feel rejected. She’s on the phone with her Mom now talking about how she knew NYE would go south (we have petty arguments frequently and holidays tend to go badly). I guess I’ll just anticipate a divorce at this point. 

[Jibralta]

4 hours ago, Orbital said:

(we have petty arguments frequently and holidays tend to go badly). I guess I’ll just anticipate a divorce at this point. 

Is there a way that you can diffuse the arguments and focus on more important things instead?

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Orbital said:

. I told her I’m upset and feel rejected. 

It seems you have insight into the chronic discord being a factor. You also seem to have insight into the fact that you being checked out is creating more estrangement.

You can't change her level of interest so begging won't help. In fact it makes sex less desirable because it turns it into another chore and obligation.

You could try marriage counseling to help get things out in the open and help with better communication and conflict resolution.

[Kwothe28]

I wish there is an easy solution but there is not. Its probably "one thing led to the other" thing. Either you started with porn and she lost sexual drive with you, or maybe even she lost the drive which in turn made you turn to porn which led to her even making it less frequent and "starfish" phase. In any case its both of your fault. And if it was the problem before, dunno why you married under that problem when its clear that you are not maybe sexually compatible or that there is a problem there. It requires work from both sides and not just yours. And marriage or even sex counseling maybe is good for both but only if you both want to work on a problem. If not, yes, divorce is a good possibility, sorry.

[Batya33]

I think she never regained trust in you or that you cared about her from the time period with porn, etc. Why did you wait 7 years to marry -was it both your choices for good reasons or were you not sure of each other (believe me I didn't get married quickly and we were 42 when we married -got married 3 years and 4 months after we started dating -which was our second time around together in a span of 7 years).  That might inform the issues from way back then.  

I'm sorry you're struggling.  I think it's uncaring of her to say "I'll just lay there".  There's built up resentment there IMO and she's dealing with it in a passive aggressive way.

[Orbital]

6 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Is there a way that you can diffuse the arguments and focus on more important things instead?

I try. Usually the only thing I can do is be quiet and walk away tbh if I want to diffuse anything. 

[Orbital]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I think she never regained trust in you or that you cared about her from the time period with porn, etc. Why did you wait 7 years to marry -was it both your choices for good reasons or were you not sure of each other (believe me I didn't get married quickly and we were 42 when we married -got married 3 years and 4 months after we started dating -which was our second time around together in a span of 7 years).  That might inform the issues from way back then.  

I'm sorry you're struggling.  I think it's uncaring of her to say "I'll just lay there".  There's built up resentment there IMO and she's dealing with it in a passive aggressive way.

We probably weren’t suited for each other. I mean, we argue over the dumbest things but I always have faith that we can fix it. She doesn’t trust me because of the arguments, basically. She also thinks I’m fickle about a lot of things? Like who I choose to be friends with. For example, I will be friends with someone and then I will express to her that I am frustrated with that person over something they do. Isn’t that just life, though??? She says stuff like this makes it hard for her to trust me. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Orbital said:

We probably weren’t suited for each other. I mean, we argue over the dumbest things but I always have faith that we can fix it. She doesn’t trust me because of the arguments, basically. She also thinks I’m fickle about a lot of things? Like who I choose to be friends with. For example, I will be friends with someone and then I will express to her that I am frustrated with that person over something they do. Isn’t that just life, though??? She says stuff like this makes it hard for her to trust me. 

When you tell her these things is it to vent or do you want her input? It's normal to feel frustration with a friend's behavior and it depends on the reaction.  For example if you tell her you're thinking of washing your hands of the person because of X and X appears to be minor that might seem like an overreaction.  

[lostandhurt]

Wait What?

You have been together for 8 years married for 1 but have been having intimacy issues for at least 2 years?  Why did you get married?  Did you both think it would make things better?

  How was your sex life at year 4? 5? 6?  Figure out when it changed and then slowly work forward.

You cannot solve a problem without figuring out what the core issue is.

 For now take all the pressure off both of you by sitting down with her and telling her you really want to work on the relationship and intimacy issues so you will not expect more than a kiss and a hug until she feels the desire to be more intimate with you.  Assure her there will be no porn or masturbation and you are going to look into finding some help with all this. This will be good for her so she isn't on guard worrying that a hug or a kiss will lead to sex and you will not have to worry about being rejected.

 It took time to get here and it will take time and a lot of work to make this better but the good news is there is a lot of room for improvement.

 Are you willing to see a counselor?  Even if she will not go with you?

Don't give up and lay down, fight for the relationship and happiness.

Lost

PS In the meantime you need to look into how to please a woman sexually so when you do get another chance you can rock her world. If you can really pleasure her she is way more likely to want a round two, three, four....   If you think you know what you are doing think again, there is always more to learn and not that crap you see in porn videos!

 

[Orbital]

2 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

 

 

 

 

 

Wait What?

You have been together for 8 years married for 1 but have been having intimacy issues for at least 2 years?  Why did you get married?  Did you both think it would make things better?

  How was your sex life at year 4? 5? 6?  Figure out when it changed and then slowly work forward.

You cannot solve a problem without figuring out what the core issue is.

 For now take all the pressure off both of you by sitting down with her and telling her you really want to work on the relationship and intimacy issues so you will not expect more than a kiss and a hug until she feels the desire to be more intimate with you.  Assure her there will be no porn or masturbation and you are going to look into finding some help with all this. This will be good for her so she isn't on guard worrying that a hug or a kiss will lead to sex and you will not have to worry about being rejected.

 It took time to get here and it will take time and a lot of work to make this better but the good news is there is a lot of room for improvement.

 Are you willing to see a counselor?  Even if she will not go with you?

Don't give up and lay down, fight for the relationship and happiness.

Lost

PS In the meantime you need to look into how to please a woman sexually so when you do get another chance you can rock her world. If you can really pleasure her she is way more likely to want a round two, three, four....   If you think you know what you are doing think again, there is always more to learn and not that crap you see in porn videos!

 

 

Yes, just kind of slipped into this habit where I masturbated and I assume she did the same. The sex was great when we first met and continued to be that way for years. She told me many times it’s the best she ever had and no guy before could really give her an orgasm like I am able to. But, we’ve had a really rough relationship and I have been emotionally abusive as she has as well. She doesn’t trust me because of my anger issues. She tells me it is hard to have sex with me because if she is vulnerable like that she just fears a week later we will have an argument or I will get upset with her about something like her not helping with dishes, cooking, etc. she actually admitted last night that she does not really help at all. She blames a lot of this on her past now and claims she has been in “flight or fight mode” for the last 15 years or so due to being abused by her step dad and then recently her biological father passed away. We’ve both had kind of a rough last few years with losing people. 
 

She apologized to me this morning about last night and said she would go to a sex therapist with me. We’ve already gone to a “regular” counselor before. I personally don’t think I ever get much help from counselors but she seems to think they are ok, so will give it a shot. 

 

 

[Batya33]

I guess I'm an outsider but what specifically have you done about your anger management issues? I mean of course she's concerned -common sense -that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and you haven't explained here what you did to change your behavior - specifics.  Meds? Therapy? Cutting out caffeine? Exercising? Meditation -some combo? She is right not to make herself vulnerable to another outburst by you.  

And then you are resentful and maybe you like she "admitted" she doesn't help around the house and this triggers you.  She doesn't deserve an outburst but obviously it's frustrating if one person isn't pulling her weight.  So is she going to change? What is she going to do to increase the teamwork part?

This isn't about sex.  Sex drive and sexual activity decrease seems to me to be perfectly understandable because she doesn't trust or like you much so why would she want to have sex with you? No need to go to daddy issues on this one IMHO.

[Orbital]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I guess I'm an outsider but what specifically have you done about your anger management issues? I mean of course she's concerned -common sense -that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and you haven't explained here what you did to change your behavior - specifics.  Meds? Therapy? Cutting out caffeine? Exercising? Meditation -some combo? She is right not to make herself vulnerable to another outburst by you.  

And then you are resentful and maybe you like she "admitted" she doesn't help around the house and this triggers you.  She doesn't deserve an outburst but obviously it's frustrating if one person isn't pulling her weight.  So is she going to change? What is she going to do to increase the teamwork part?

This isn't about sex.  Sex drive and sexual activity decrease seems to me to be perfectly understandable because she doesn't trust or like you much so why would she want to have sex with you? No need to go to daddy issues on this one IMHO.

I understand her not trusting me. I went to therapy a little bit. I’ve been better with outbursts but I still get frustrated. She’s a very difficult person tbh. If something isn’t done her way, SHE gets mad or defensive. She has a hard time seeing things from someone else’s perspective sometimes, I think.  She rarely compromises when it comes to us doing silly things like what movie we want to watch, etc. I understand that is a superficial thing, but it still frustrates me. We do have some things in common, but I get discouraged with her lack of wanting to try new things and her laziness. At least tonight she did offer to help me clean. I guess maybe she does feel bad about last night. On the daddy issues, she has used that as a reason for her depression, lack of interest in sex, etc. Does it make sense to me? No, because she hasn’t seen that man in over 20 years and whatever past she has didn’t keep us from having a good sex life before. She also told me that she lost interest in sex with her last bf. About 3 years into their 4 year relationship. He was abusive to her too though. She did have some uterine fibroids removed in 2018 and claims to have adhesions now which can sometimes be painful…but she has yet to do anything about that. Wouldn’t a normal young woman with a sex drive want to have this resolved? So, sometimes she is in pain, which I understand. I’m not trying to have sex with her during those times. I guess it’s like a hopeless cycle for me sometimes. I want to be in a good mood around her and not get upset, but no sex keeps me in a bad mood. 

[Batya33]

The problem is not getting frustrated.  The problem is how you choose to react.  I get frustrated.  I'm a mom of a teenager, I get in my "moods" where I'm irritable/hangry/feel like I'm being pulled in different directions for no good reason and as an adult, a married adult I see it as my obligation to manage my reactions to my feelings.  I come up with preventative measures too -I make sure to stay hydrated, exercise daily, notice when I need some space, try to get enough sleep and knowing my "triggers" - and avoiding letting things build up. 

Sometimes I have to choose keeping my distance - recognizing I'm feeling frustrated so I need space and know if I step aside I'll feel better in __ amount of time.  It does not always work. But the issue isn't "getting frustrated" it's how you react to it and also whether in hindsight you can prevent build up next time.   

You don't need to be in a good mood.  You need to be able to manage your reactions to your emotions.  No sex doesn't keep you in a bad mood. You keep you in a bad mood.  You can feel deprived of sex and react by taking steps to improve your attitude, your perspective, your relationship.  Or you can do the negativity/pity party thing and take it out on her when she forgets to run the dishwasher again.  Your choice.

[Smorgasbored]

Hello,

Sounds like theres enough care in your relationship to make it worth a good try.

You both need support.

What can happen in a relationship is that after time one or both can feel settled enough to bring hidden issues up, (especially abuse from a previous situation). The working out of these can deepen the love eventually, but it does take commitment to a structure or a programme.

I have a personal problem with the use of the word 'intimate' as a euphamism for sex. Sex is the cherry on the cake, intimacy is the cake. Intimacy is the little things that make a relationship glow. Like doing small personal things for each other to show that you 'see' the other. Hearing the little clues in what your significant-other says and responding with small actions. Its good for your heart, even if you get no immediate response.

 

 

[lostandhurt]

It seems like you are focused on the symptom not the cause.  Even if she wanted to have sex all these issues would still be there.

 Therapists are not all created equal so don't give up.  You only get out of it what you are willing to put in so if you go expecting someone else to solve your issues it will never work.  But if you go into it being brutally honest with yourself and with the therapist then they can help you figure out why you get frustrated, if it is warranted and why you go over the top like you do.  Frustration can bring out the worst in people so if you feel like it will never improve you are likely to blow up and say and do things that actually make the problem worse.

 She needs to trust you so she can relax and enjoy being with you physically.  Intimacy or having sex does not always need to include penetration.  Being intimate can be words exchanged at the least or sweaty twisted up sheets at the most.

 Whether or not your marriage survives you need to get in to see someone so you can figure your stuff out because it is likely to show up in any other relationships you will have if this one ends.

 Being verbally abusive, short tempered and easily agitated will cause anyone to not feel safe around you so that is your first thing to work on. Right now all you can do is control what you do so get to work on you and let he see how hard you are working to be an awesome partner.   Sometimes people get so far down this path with their walls built so high that they cannot see a path forward.  Time to start taking down your wall and see if she notices.  There is a reason you act the way you do so if you value your marriage you will do what ever it takes to find it and learn.

Lost

[DarkCh0c0]

10 hours ago, Orbital said:

But, we’ve had a really rough relationship and I have been emotionally abusive as she has as well. She doesn’t trust me because of my anger issues. She tells me it is hard to have sex with me because if she is vulnerable like that she just fears a week later we will have an argument or I will get upset with her about something like her not helping with dishes, cooking, etc. she actually admitted last night that she does not really help at all. She blames a lot of this on her past now and claims she has been in “flight or fight mode” for the last 15 years or so due to being abused by her step dad and then recently her biological father passed away. We’ve both had kind of a rough last few years with losing people

No wonder the bedroom is suffering.

You need couple's counseling. A struggling bedroom is a sign of a lack of emotional connection, safety and intimacy. When the emotional safety is not there, the sex can't follow.

Find 2-3 couple's counsellor to test and find the best one if you want to save your marriage. There's so much baggage that you even need to work each individually on. You can't be each other's therapists. Counselling is the only thing that will do at this point considering all the struggles above.  In the meantime, consider going out on a date weekly, make romantic gestures and keep your temper under control. That'll help lower the stress and give you give some time to reignite the spark so to speak.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

In the meantime, consider going out on a date weekly, make romantic gestures and keep your temper under control. That'll help lower the stress and give you give some time to reignite the spark so to speak.

You know I would advise this later down the road.  I think the best gestures he can make is over and over and over again in their daily routines and interactions.  The date night and "romantic" gestures will seem too over the top and like a ploy to have sexy time.  But showing her that when she does do something around the house -not gushing over it -but genuinely "I notice you took out the garbage -thanks!" Showing restraint when frustrated.  Over time the person sees the other person making the effort to change the daily interactions from stressed and agitated to smooth and peaceful.  

Last night I felt really frustrated because I had a headache and I have my 15 minute or so wind down routine before bed where after I clean up the kitchen and bathroom I sit in the glider with a book and small snack and I'm good with a tv program on in the background - I actually like the sort of comfort of a typical show or news program as background. 

My husband insisted on putting on a symphony which was a once a year New Year program.  I love classical music.  I didn't love the crescendos and alternating volume with a  headache.  I asked him please to just change the program for 5 minutes or so so I could wind down.  Unusually he refused.  I felt like venting and knew it would be silly (and also counterproductive to winding down ). 

My body was too stressed out and tense to stay with the music.  As quietly as I could I took my stuff and headphones to the bathroom at the other end of the apartment and enjoyed my snack standing up but feeling calmer like I need to in order to sleep properly -I'm not a great sleeper. 

I chose not to react to my frustration and my feelings of how selfish he was being by my making a fuss and picking that battle.  I didn't make a dramatic exit like I felt like.  When I was done I came back in and said goodnight as I always do. 

My husband actually didn't "get it" at how unbearable it was for me at that moment.  And it wasn't worth explaining at that moment.  This is what I mean -it's a choice on my part that was the difference between an argument over an annual concert to be "right" and "vent" when I was tired and unwell - and a much more peaceful/smooth end of day. 

It takes self-talk, it takes not acting out impulsively, not being tempted by the two doors I had to close that I could have closed loudly - and it's not easy but long term it's worth it.  I show myself and him I can stop myself even when I am frustrated and not feeling well.  Over and over again that shows the person your responsibility to the marriage and your self control.  We all mess up -it depends how often and why.  

[electricorchid]

Have you ever thought that the porn/masturbation hurt her ego and pride at one point? To be honest with you, I would get turned off or deeply and hurt about that If I were your wife. The problem here is that like "lostandhurt" said above that you're focused on the "what" and not the "WHY" so that you're not having sex but I don't see that you're very concerned as to why you're not which is the biggest and more significant issue at hand. 

We women are emotional creatures, we need to feel wanted, sexy and seduced by you. When you fix these issues your wife will start being in the mood again. 

Funny how you men always resort to porn or divorce as a quick and easy solution when you're only digging yourself an even deeper whole. Instead of jacking off to random women who don't even know you or care for you like your wife probably does then, invest time and work into this emotional connection to then fix the physical.  

[Orbital]

On 1/1/2023 at 6:52 PM, Batya33 said:

The problem is not getting frustrated.  The problem is how you choose to react.  I get frustrated.  I'm a mom of a teenager, I get in my "moods" where I'm irritable/hangry/feel like I'm being pulled in different directions for no good reason and as an adult, a married adult I see it as my obligation to manage my reactions to my feelings.  I come up with preventative measures too -I make sure to stay hydrated, exercise daily, notice when I need some space, try to get enough sleep and knowing my "triggers" - and avoiding letting things build up. 

Sometimes I have to choose keeping my distance - recognizing I'm feeling frustrated so I need space and know if I step aside I'll feel better in __ amount of time.  It does not always work. But the issue isn't "getting frustrated" it's how you react to it and also whether in hindsight you can prevent build up next time.   

You don't need to be in a good mood.  You need to be able to manage your reactions to your emotions.  No sex doesn't keep you in a bad mood. You keep you in a bad mood.  You can feel deprived of sex and react by taking steps to improve your attitude, your perspective, your relationship.  Or you can do the negativity/pity party thing and take it out on her when she forgets to run the dishwasher again.  Your choice.

Hi, thank you. I agree with what you said. I know it’s ok to get frustrated. In the moment, I just react too soon and will usually outwardly show I am in a bad mood by cussing loudly. This of course will put her in a bad mood. I need to get better about my reactions, which I have been. 

[Orbital]

5 hours ago, electricorchid said:

Have you ever thought that the porn/masturbation hurt her ego and pride at one point? To be honest with you, I would get turned off or deeply and hurt about that If I were your wife. The problem here is that like "lostandhurt" said above that you're focused on the "what" and not the "WHY" so that you're not having sex but I don't see that you're very concerned as to why you're not which is the biggest and more significant issue at hand. 

We women are emotional creatures, we need to feel wanted, sexy and seduced by you. When you fix these issues your wife will start being in the mood again. 

Funny how you men always resort to porn or divorce as a quick and easy solution when you're only digging yourself an even deeper whole. Instead of jacking off to random women who don't even know you or care for you like your wife probably does then, invest time and work into this emotional connection to then fix the physical.  

To be honest, I never wanted to divorce. I said that in the original post because she mentioned us separating. I told her that sex would be my last priority as I want her to feel better with me and regain trust. I know she feels bad about her saying that now. So far things have been fairly better since the night I made this original post, though we are not having sex and I have not tried to. She was very close to me on the couch tonight and we held each other through a movie. I made us a big dinner, surprised her with her favorite cookies as well. This was not some plot to get laid, though as we were close on the couch the thought ran through my head of how much I would like to have sex, but I’m too afraid to even bring it up. I guess I should just hold off on that for a good amount of time. 

[Orbital]

15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You know I would advise this later down the road.  I think the best gestures he can make is over and over and over again in their daily routines and interactions.  The date night and "romantic" gestures will seem too over the top and like a ploy to have sexy time.  But showing her that when she does do something around the house -not gushing over it -but genuinely "I notice you took out the garbage -thanks!" Showing restraint when frustrated.  Over time the person sees the other person making the effort to change the daily interactions from stressed and agitated to smooth and peaceful.  

 

I agree. Though we did have a romantic night tonight and I could tell she was feeling close to me, I really wanted to try having sex with her, but I didn’t bother. Figured it would backfire. I need to just focus on making her feel safe and comfortable daily. 
 

UPDATE: After I made this post from our basement, she calls me on my cell and tells me she misses me. I said, “Is this a booty call?” She said, no she has to take a shower but isn’t going to tonight because of the storm. She says anyone could call me for a booty call, but not many would say they miss me like she does. I know I sound like a dog now, mentioning sex to her, but I can’t help it. I didn’t get mad or anything by her response, just said I miss her too. So, she can get all lovey dovey with me on the couch, but is not interested in sex ever again I fear. Maybe I’m just moving too fast at this point. I can’t expect much. I know sex is a big deal to women.  Don’t get me wrong, I DO enjoy the closeness with her, and the emotional bonding, but I guess jump to conclusions that we will barely ever have sex again. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Orbital said:

 tells me she misses me. I said, “Is this a booty call?” 

Oops. Try to stick with romantic rather than sexual. The more you push, especially in cheeky or insensitive ways the more turned off she'll be. When you keep making it about you and what's in it for you, the less you'll inspire her.

[Batya33]

Never ever tell yourself you "can't help it" because that will let you justify going back to your old ways/bad habits.  I agree don't turn everything into sex or about sex.  I'm glad you two were physically affectionate and had a date night!

[Tiddytok5]

She doesn't owe you sex nor are you entitled to it from her. 

 

Nor is she entitled to sex from you.

 

Respect her. Don't pressure her.

 

Sexual incompatible relationships don't genuinely work out.

If you can't handle a relationship without sex, or less sex...

 

 

You must leave her.

 

Before either one cheats.

[redswim30]

Honestly, I think your marriage might be over. 

I don't really see a road to recovery for either of you.  I see the most troublesome thing as that she is involving her mom in your relationship.  Her being more interested in bad-mouthing you to her mom than talking out her issues with you or with a counselor together, is troubling. 

You have all four horsemen of divorce here- Criticism, Contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.  

All of this that you said 

"My wife has recently told me a few times that she just doesn’t really care about sex, but we still go on dates, she will get all dressed up, etc. then we get home like tonight on NYE and she says “well, I guess I can just lay there.” 

This all indicates that she has no interest in changing. You can't make her care, if she doesn't. While it seems like you have also made mistakes/had problems, you seem interested in change.  You cannot force someone else to be interested in change.  It's all good and well to say you've made mistakes, but it's not fair for her to punish you for those in the long-term, especially if you're willing to change.  If she can't forgive you and is unwilling to change- there's only one option.  

If I were you, I'd start talking to lawyer.