Should I try to reconnect with college girlfriend after 40 years?

[Undertaker77]

I ran across this website when I was searching for other people in a similar situation as me. Here’s my story…about 40 years ago in college I fell for a girl, that I thought was my soulmate. We dated for several months, and we got along great. No problems. She did things to me in bed that blew my mind. However, I think I caught Mono from her during that time since I wasn’t kissing anyone else while we were dating but that’s just a side point. Anyway, I thought everything was fine until one day she told me that her old boyfriend had proposed to her, and she accepted. Looking back at the past with the girlfriend, I had to maybe question the relationship. Was I just a pawn in her game to get the old boyfriend jealous enough for him to propose to her and I was never a serious contender for her affection? But I don’t know that.

After that rejection, I was totally destroyed. I wanted a clean slate and after that college term, I never went back to that school and instead I transferred to another college and worked on getting an Accounting/Bus. Finance degrees.

Jump to today, I’m married with a wife and two daughters. The marriage is okay. That’s the best way I can describe it. I don’t think my wife is in anyway my “soulmate” but we’re making it work. I know she loves me because a lot of the times all of the work around the house is handled by me. I guess when I thought of marriage I thought it would be like we’d be a team to handle everything around the house but it feels like it pretty much all falls on my shoulders. Most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all of the yard work. Etc. Plus, I’m the one paying the bills and trying to get her out of debt with her credit cards.

Recently, I was on LinkedIn and saw the picture of the old girlfriend of 40 years. She looks older but so do I. I was thinking of emailing her to see about her past 40 years and comparing notes on raising kids and the ups and downs of life. Part of me is saying I shouldn’t contact her the other part of me is saying what’s the harm. It’s been 40 years and clearly, she has her life and for the most part, I have my life aside from me feeling a little nostalgic about the past. I know there’s nothing I could say or do to wipe away 40 years and with that in mind is it stupid to think I should try and just communicate with her?

[Kwothe28]

Instead of thirsting for some old fling that gave you great sex, why not focus on this?

34 minutes ago, Undertaker77 said:

I know she loves me because a lot of the times all of the work around the house is handled by me. I guess when I thought of marriage I thought it would be like we’d be a team to handle everything around the house but it feels like it pretty much all falls on my shoulders. Most of the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, all of the yard work. Etc. Plus, I’m the one paying the bills and trying to get her out of debt with her credit cards.

That is not a good marriage in any way and something that needs a lot of work. Also probably the reason why you think you should contact old fling from 40 year ago and how that is actually a good idea. Its not. Its not a good idea at all.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Undertaker77 said:

is it stupid to think I should try and just communicate with her?

In a word? Yes. 

There is no reason to reach decades into the past to try to find a little happiness and excitement. It doesn't sound like your marriage is in a good place, so that is where you should turn your attention. 

Don't open a potential Pandora's Box. It is not worth it. 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

In a word? Yes. 

There is no reason to reach decades into the past to try to find a little happiness and excitement. It doesn't sound like your marriage is in a good place, so that is where you should turn your attention. 

Don't open a potential Pandora's Box. It is not worth it. 

 

I agree. If you want to reconnect with her so badly after you work on your marriage for at least a year and I mean real work - marriage counseling, clear dialogue about your expectations and wants - and let her express hers - then divorce your wife and a year after the divorce is final reach out to this person.  

[Undertaker77]

To Kwothe28:

You focused on my comment about the sex but i was just being honest. But you missed the part where I thought of my girlfriend as my “soulmate”. The fact that the world seemed better when I was around her. That we bonded in our conversations about about almost every issue. I felt comfortable with her on all issues. I guess I thought that was possibly the starting point of falling in love with her.
However, before I wrote my question I was 50/50 on if I’d really contact her or not. But for now i’m more pretty sure I won’t. I might have thought of her as my soulmate but I clearly wasn’t hers. 
So I guess my idea of soulmates is just a pile of crap. I’ll have to live with that.

[Capricorn3]

NO. Definitely not. This is a very very bad idea as you certainly aren't wanting to contact her to "exchange notes on child rearing and life".  You want to contact her because you seem to be unhappy/miserable in your marriage and are looking for some excitement in your life.

Besides that, you know nothing about this woman's life right now.  She could be married, have children, or in a relationship etc and if so, that means you have NO business there.

Like the other have mentioned above - focus on your own marriage.  Try to fix what is wrong.  At the very least try marriage counseling and if that doesn't work, then decide if you want to stay in your marriage or divorce.   Right now is not the right time to look up old ex girlfriends.  Very bad idea.

[Batya33]

8 hours ago, Undertaker77 said:

So I guess my idea of soulmates is just a pile of crap. I’ll have to live with that.

Your idea of contacting her because you believe she is your soulmate is a bad idea.  You can believe she is your soulmate AND behave appropriately.  If you believe she is your soulmate I'd do what I suggested above - contact your soulmate a year after your divorce is final.

[catfeeder]

I just don't think it really matters. Lots of Linked In users are married, and this person will be the one to decide how personal she'll want to get with such a connection.

I'd consider carefully why you'd take a step towered disloyalty toward your wife and what that privately means to you. But it's a total crap shoot on whether it would amount to anything beyond this woman barely remembering who you are, or maybe even not recalling you at all.

For your sake, I hope you'll refocus on either rekindling your marriage or separating from it. Either of those outcomes would better position you to figure out what might actually make you happy.

Good luck, and happy new year.

[Jibralta]

On 12/29/2022 at 10:42 PM, Undertaker77 said:

I guess my idea of soulmates is just a pile of crap.

Have you talked to your wife about this? She may believe in soulmates too--you may actually have this in common. In fact, she might believe you're her soulmate and that she's your soulmate. 

[electricorchid]

On 12/29/2022 at 4:27 PM, Undertaker77 said:

After that rejection, I was totally destroyed.

I genuinely think this is a case of you're obsessed with what you couldn't have and that feeling of what you thought she gave you in that connection. Just out of curiosity what made you want to marry your wife? 

Overall to answer your question, instead of pondering on this "what could have been" and how she's doing, I would invest your time and energy into your relationship with your wife and remind yourself why you were into your wife in the first place, and what he appeal was to you. Because describing your relationship with her as just "Ok" doesn't seem to be satisfying to you. 

I once had a connection with a gorgeous man in new york city, we inseperable and met when I was in college, we dated casually for two years on and off and it felt like he was my soulmate and his affection gave me some sort of insane high, because if we were ever in a room together we were just drawn to eachother. We had passion and insane and magnetic chemistry that I will never forget. BUT, He broke my heart and it took me forever to get over him, another two years in fact! But you know what I learned from all that? I enjoyed that while it lasted. Maybe in another life we could have been something but not in this one, and I've accepted that. Because now I see him on instagram with his gf that he has now.. all the politic or media related things he posted about the pandemic or vaccine I saw and I thought to myself, WOW. We just weren't compatible on values or on the way we view life itself and we wouldnt have lasted anyway. Or I ended up seeing what other men could offer me for my future and I just wanted that instead of maybe what he had to offer me, regardless I will cherise the memories but not him. Hope that makes sense, everything happens for a reason. & If she wanted to choose you she would have

[Undertaker77]

To electricorchid,

I'm not really sure how'd I'd define it. I mean I let this completely slide off my memory for about 40 years so how can that be labeled "obsessed". I mean, lately I think that I'm dwelling the regrets in my life as ghosts that just won't go away. I have a ton of regrets and I wish it was just a simple matter of just forgetting them but I'm just not wired that way. Maybe everyone else can but I can't.

As for why I married my wife...I actually didn't think I was going to get married. We met through a dating newspaper ad. This was a long time before any dating websites existed. We're probably more opposite in our personalities but we've been making it work. Or maybe we just decided to settle with each other and all our flaws.  

I was interested in your discussion of your man from New York City since it sounds similar to my story. So say hypothetically, your man reached out to you by a phone call, email or whatever just to touch base with you. Would you at least communicate with him? Granted it sounded like his viewpoints of the world differs from yours but does that mean you would you just hang up on him? 

[Batya33]

24 minutes ago, Undertaker77 said:

I have a ton of regrets and I wish it was just a simple matter of just forgetting them but I'm just not wired that way. Maybe everyone else can but I can't.

It's not about "forgetting" -it's about choosing to react to the memories in a healthful way - healthy as far as what is healthy in your life/lifestyle.  You don't have to be "wired" in any particular way - thoughts and memories come -you get to choose how you react.  You choose which tools you're going to use so that you can choose to react in a healthful way.  You work on what tools work for you -you reevaluate when they are not working.  

Ironically in the late 80s I was briefly engaged to a man I met through a written personal ad.  I would have been settling for Mr. Right on Paper had I married him.  I was in serious relationships in the past where I was settling to an extent and I can see where memories of what could have been can then have a stronger hold. That's where you have to decide whether you're ok with settling as you have and choosing not to react to what could have been with this soulmate as you put it.  It's not about wiring -it's a choice.