In-laws are pressuring us to fly across the country with our 1 year old.

[liz22]

My in laws have always pressured us about visit them on the east coast since our baby has been born.  Our baby is now one.  They said they will pay for us to fly there, so there is no excuses.  The problem is I don’t feel comfortable flying with a 1 year old across the country.  
 

For Christmas they sent our 1 year old a suit case with a note that said their wish/gift for us this Christmas is to come visit them on the east coast.  They don’t let up.  They were pissed when my husband told them it would probably be a few years.  I was pissed they won’t let it go or understand our standpoint.  It’s 2 hours to the airport for us and about the same for them.  Plus no direct flights, so it would be approximately a 12 hour travel day at best, assuming flights aren’t delayed and we have a quick layover.  Right now our baby has trouble driving in a car for more than an hour.  It turns into a disaster and that is the furthest she has been able to travel.  She still even has trouble sleeping in her crib so we are dealing with long nights and sleep issues.

They don’t have anything we would need at their place such as a crib, rocker, gated off area, baby proofing, and all the other stuff.  They don’t get it.  My child needs to be rocked and needs silence to nap so a plane wouldn’t work for that.  Plus I think she would be scared out of her mind.  
 

How do I get them to let up about this.  I am tired of being the bad guy for having to say “no” (along with my husband) when this has never been my idea to beginning with.  Did I mention we are not good flyers to begin with. I get anxiety.  I have only flown to the east coast once in my life. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry to hear this.

Just for more context, why won't they travel to your place instead?

[liz22]

4 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'm sorry to hear this.

Just for more context, why won't they travel to your place instead?

They will and they have twice already.  Really, they come out to see their other grandchild (my husband’s sibling’s child) who is 18, but of course they see us too.  They were out here for their other grandchild’s graduation once and again to pick him up and fly him back with them to the east coast for a summer visit. 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, liz22 said:

For Christmas they sent our 1 year old a suit case with a note that said their wish/gift for us this Christmas is to come visit them on the east coast.

I do love their passive agressivness lol

I do believe that its important to understand where the other person is coming from. They probably see other people around them and their relatives visiting often. So for their son, daughter in law and grandkid not to visit, it probably hits them the wrong way. When its perfectly safe for a 1 year old(heck even a few days or weeks old babies travel) to travel by airplane. And where the biggest risk is the detest of other passengers on board. 

Dont get me wrong, I think its perfectly fine for you to say "No". Its your decision if you want to go or not. Just think that your fears are irrational and that you are "coddling" your baby way too much. Case in point

1 hour ago, liz22 said:

They don’t have anything we would need at their place such as a crib, rocker, gated off area, baby proofing, and all the other stuff.  They don’t get it.  My child needs to be rocked and needs silence to nap so a plane wouldn’t work for that.

Oh how did any other baby survived without "baby proofing" every angle of the room lol

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, liz22 said:

  I am tired of being the bad guy for having to say “no” (along with my husband) 

It's not only ok but imperative to do what's in the child's best interest.

If they are disappointed, that's ok. They're grown-ups.

Try to enlist more help from your husband on this. They're his parents. He needs to deal with them and whatever guilt trips they are attempting. Your husband needs to be a buffer and the voice of reason.

There's no need to defend yourself. Your primary role is caring for your child, not amusing your husband's parents. He needs to step up and stand up for you and the child.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, liz22 said:

How do I get them to let up about this.  I am tired of being the bad guy for having to say “no” (along with my husband) when this has never been my idea to beginning with.  

It's a 12 hour journey and it's a not at all a small ask. It's as if you're in a different country, so they can't expect you to fly over to their place when you're not ready nor comfortable doing so. Let them know that they can come when they want, but for now you just can't see it happening from your end.

You need to put your own and baby's best interest as a priority. Anything else comes afterwards. Will they be upset? Sure. Do you have to do more about it? Nope. Not really. All you can do is suggest they visit occasionally. You both as parents can't people-please everyone. You have to be okay with the fact they're upset. It's their problem and they'll deal with their own emotions. If they keep bringing this up, just change the topic to something unrelated or nod and say that will happen at some point later.

[Batya33]

We had similar issues when our son was a baby but not the pressure. He was a great sleeper from 10 weeks on and we started flying 2 plus hour flights regularly when he was 5 months old (before that it wasn't necessary).  But - there was one time we were supposed to fly to stay with my inlaws as my mom couldn't put us up -my dad was sick (typically baby and I would stay at my mom and husband would stay nearby at his parents - mom's place was too small for all of us). 

My in-laws home was a mess and unsafe but the baby was only just starting to crawl.  I was really worried - and also I got a lot of pushback from my sticking very very strictly to his nap and bedtime schedule - the schedule was King and I have zero regrets about being all Mama Bear -his sleeping was wonderful and I know it was because I kept him to the schedule (my husband "deferred" but wasn't all in with it). 

It was awful when my in laws and other family (including a few from my family) didn't understand why we had to leave a restaurant to put the baby down for his nap (including because we arrived on time and others arrived late), why they had to be really quiet getting into a car when baby was sleeping, why I needed to have easy access to warming his bottles and a place to wash bottles that was very clean.  There was one time we visited them and they "forgot" to tell me their fridge wasn't working.  So I had to toss out the formula I opened and bought.

As it turned out we never stayed over there as our son got a cold right before we were supposed to fly and we had to cancel the flight/trip.  But I get why you're so nervous about it.

12 hours is a lot.  For us we were 30-45 minutes from airport then 2 plus hour flight and no flying/driving issues.  12 hours can be eternity with a baby!  Let them come to you and stop the comparisons with other families.  They are Other Families.

I'd just keep saying "no" in a polite, conversation ending way.  It feels mean but be Mama Bear -it's ok - you will need to be Mama Bear for all the people who want to tell you how to parent your baby and what's best for baby.  When my son was 5 days old we took him to his first doctor appointment.  In a high rise apartment building with office ground floor. 

My husband went to find us a taxi because it was zero degrees out.  I waited in the lobby with my sleeping baby so we could see the taxi pull up.  The doorman told me I was not allowed to wait in the lobby and had to wait in the doctor office.  I explained the issue.  He said no we had to wait outside.

I told him -it is zero degrees outside, my baby is 5 days old.  I told him to call the police if he had an issue with that.  He was a very very large man and I am petite with a sleeping infant.  I didn't care a bit.  Mama Bear.  I stared him down every time he looked at me.  Taxi arrived, no cops were called. 

Get used to it - just stand tall and say no or "no we're not going to be able to arrange a trip".  No "I'm sorry".  Ignore the silly passive aggressive crap.  Be Mama Bear.  You act in the best interests of your child and family - and that means you might not be everyone's favorite. Oh well.

[catfeeder]

I'd meet their lovely invitation with one of my own to come for a visit.

I would welcome them to come as often as they would like and offer to prepare ahead considering any wishes they may have to make it easier for them.

I would NOT attempt to over'splain. If making a list of bullet points for husband to converse with them would make his interactions easier, then I'd review it with him so that he is well versed in my objections.

But I would feel NO need to 'sell' them on buying my objections.

They are adults, they have either learned how to deal with disappointments or not, but that's on them. 

Frankly, their grandchild is still their grandchild whether they see the baby on the East or West coast. 

Head high, Mama!

[Coily]

The big question is how old are they? If they're in their 70s the clock is ticking faster for them, so it makes sense they're turning up the pressure to see their grandchild. Does it justify not regarding your wishes for the well being of your child, no. But Mortality is staring them in the face.

Could other alternatives to air travel be considered or a half way vacation be discussed? Rather than just a firm no, explore other ideas; even if it's just to rule things out and strengthen your NO when pressed.

[Lambert]

have you tried explaining the reasons in a kind way? Maybe you, hubs, them all on the line together. Explain you feel a lot of pressure but can they understand how hard this will be on the baby, the challenges?

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, Lambert said:

have you tried explaining the reasons in a kind way? Maybe you, hubs, them all on the line together. Explain you feel a lot of pressure but can they understand how hard this will be on the baby, the challenges?

I really hope that works for her.  I've unfortunately seen it not work with me and with so many others.  Moms are easy targets - "oh that's not how we did it in my day" and "everyone in my area just puts baby down for nap [insert]" and "oh big deal so he misses a nap/naps later in the day - he'll be fine" - etc.  I hate to be so cynical but it's so generally true! 

[tattoobunnie]

Just say when they turn "three" and don't feel bad.  Or do an extended layover, and visit a friend or family in the middle. 

Or tell them, my friend moved to California, and then her sister and her husband and her other sister and her husband, and then her parents moved by them too.  And then tell them to move to the West Coast, so you can all be together.  Great way to change the subject.  And every time they ask, say, "why don't you move here!"  It shuts down the conversation really quick.

And trust me, they can ask, and you can always say "No," but don't take it personally.  They just want to see their grandkid.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, Lambert said:

have you tried explaining the reasons in a kind way? Maybe you, hubs, them all on the line together. Explain you feel a lot of pressure but can they understand how hard this will be on the baby, the challenges?

Yes how hard it may be for the baby, but mainly, for YOU. 

Mom's concerns about the challenges of mothering can never be dismissed.

If someone gets dismissive about those, don't get bullied, put your back into it and RISE above them.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes how hard it may be for the baby, but mainly, for YOU. 

Mom's concerns about the challenges of mothering can never be dismissed.

If someone gets dismissive about those, don't get bullied, put your back into it and RISE above them.

The problem is if baby gets thrown off schedule it's also hard on the baby and baby's immune system etc.  But yes great point. Mom then bears the brunt typically of getting baby back on schedule/dealing with cranky baby on the flight, etc

[reinventmyself]

I think most people can sense a non negotiable no when it comes from a place of confidence. 

When you wrestle with doubt, guilt and feeling like you have to defend your decision people sense that as a weakness.  And where there is weakness there may still be an opportunity for to wear you down and change your mind.

Give them a firm no and tell them you are very eager for the time that traveling with their grandchild to visit is doable.  Right now it's not.

End of discussion.

[Cherylyn]

I'm a mother.  My husband and I would both say,  "No means no!" 

[Batya33]

Yes what Cheryln said -and I only have one but I more than once -got an attitude from people that just because a baby is cute/adorable/cuddly that people are entitled to be around the baby in person at will and the parents should go all out to make that happen (especially grandparents) -even if baby is napping if grandparents just arrived they need to see the baby right then. 

I had a friend who came over with her new boyfriend when my baby was 2 weeks old. We had a "no one but immediate family holds the infant" rule (flu epidemic without a vaccine available yet- like covid).  She was a friend and I'd never met her boyfriend.  They walked in and announced "ok we're going to wash our hands now so we can hold the baby".  I said "no." And it was ok. 

5 years later she and her boyfriend -now husband -had a baby.  I was in town.  She told me they weren't having any visitors except immediate family until baby was 2 months old (he was 6 weeks). I said -totally fine, understood -and smiled to myself a bit. 

I get that babies are really cute and you just want to hold them but I wish those people would lose the attitude that even if it is their nephew/niece/grandchild it's a human being and really tiny one at that and you can also enjoy from afar. 

It's what I taught my son as soon as he was running around and near babies at playgrounds or on the street. We admire from a safe distance and we don't put our hands out -so the parent knows we're not about to "just touch his foot!" and if the parent wants more interaction the parent will let us know. 

From the grandparents' perspective they probably feel entitled/sense of "ownership" and yes they're important - and yes parents come first!