How should I proceed in this relationship?

[TheG]

Greetings Enotloners.

So I met this lady 2 months back. On social media. She has been out of a relationship for 6 months. Her previous relationship was for 2 years and she even ended up moving in with the guy at some point so, of course, she had alot of healing to do since the relationship.  

We went on our first date 2 months back and we had alot of fun. We ended up kissing on the same day. Then I pulled back a bit after that first date. I did not put much effort in the dating (calling and texting much) because I could see she was still dating other guys. Because of this I stood back and only reached out to her here and there. At some point on one of our dates she said that I dont communicate well with her. I asked her why, and she said that I dont call her enough. And I explained to her that since shes going on a few dates with other guys, I felt did not want to commit myself emotionally and decided to pull back a bit. She said she understood and then asked me what it is that I wanted.  I told her I want a commited relationship with her and she thanked me for telling her, saying that it opens a new point of view for her and that she will start cutting people off because she likes me. 

After that, we started seeing each other at least twice a week. We decided to get into a committed relationship. We got really close and started being very open to each other, our insecurities, fears, beliefs, her past of depresssion etc. We have been in a committed relationship for about 3 weeks now (after dating for a month). The relationship felt like a dream, I couldnt believe how "perfect" she was for me. At some point she confessed to me that I seem too good to be true and I told her that I felt exactly the same about her. I felt very secure in this relationship, more secure than in most of my previous relationships. Shes met all my friends and they all say that shes definitely the one for me. One of them even said I should not "f## this one up" lol

Recently though, it seemed as though she went on a date with someone else. She told me she was going out with a friend but from what she posted on her whatsapp status. It did not look like a friendly date with a friend. The person she was with on the date was not shown and at some point it seemed the mystery person was feeding her dessert. But I gave her the benefit of the doubt on this one and did not let it affect our new relationship because I did not have concrete proof.

So we went out together again last night, I put what I thought I saw behind me. We spend the whole day and night together. At about 2 am while she was at my place she suddenly said she wants to go home. It wasnt really an issue for me because I know she doesnt want us to rush into any sexual relations. But then a phone call came in just before she left. The phone was on vibrate but because she sitting right next to me I felt the vibration. I asked her to answer the call and she didnt. So things got awkward from then. I walked her out as her uber had arrived and gave her a cold hug and she went on her way. Later on she told me she was home safe, but I only saw that text this morning. I greeted her good morning asked how she was, like I do every morning, and kept quiet for the rest of the day. I told her before that I have a tendency to just switch off and back off when I am feeling uneasy in romantic relations. So we basically didnt talk the whole day of which never happens.

We bought ticket to an event that will take place this coming Friday so I will definitely see her soon for that event and I will be meeting her friends on that day, but I really dont know how to proceed in this relationship. Is it fair for me to say she's cheating on me since we only about 1 month in? She did look quite guilty after that late night phone call.

Please help...

 

 

[Batya33]

Why did you ask her to answer the call? So you could confirm whether or not it was someone she was dating?  That seems rather intrusive and unfair.  I think it's odd that only when you brought up exclusivity she apparently had not considered it and then said she'd slow down her dating (but not completely stop -right?).  It sounds more like she agreed to exclusivity because current conditions were not favorable for her to be meeting people but as soon as conditions improved she was pursuing other men again.  I mean -I also can see where the dessert "date"was not a date at all but given her lukewarm attitude I see where you are coming from.  But telling her to answer her own phone is out of bounds IMO -if you don't trust her, don't date her.

[MissCanuck]

You two are moving way too fast. Slow down. 

You don't know each other well yet. It is far too soon to assume she's the one, too soon to be introducing her to all your friends, too soon to be putting all your eggs in this basket. You have no idea if this woman is perfect for you. 

What you wrote is not evidence of anything, really. But it's clear you are on high alert. You need to talk to her and clarify that neither of you is dating anyone else. If you don't believe her or don't trust that she is being honest with you, then stop seeing her. 

[TheG]

30 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why did you ask her to answer the call? So you could confirm whether or not it was someone she was dating?  That seems rather intrusive and unfair.  I think it's odd that only when you brought up exclusivity she apparently had not considered it and then said she'd slow down her dating (but not completely stop -right?).  It sounds more like she agreed to exclusivity because current conditions were not favorable for her to be meeting people but as soon as conditions improved she was pursuing other men again.  I mean -I also can see where the dessert "date"was not a date at all but given her lukewarm attitude I see where you are coming from.  But telling her to answer her own phone is out of bounds IMO -if you don't trust her, don't date her.

I asked her politely to answer the phona and she declined. which was ok. I didnt force her, it was just a request

[Tinydance]

Well the thing is that people can have different approaches to early stages dating. I think especially these days in Western culture in particular (I don't know your culture though), it seems common to multi date at the start. Especially with using dating apps and social media because people meet many people at the same time on those platforms.

Not everyone does that and it seems from your post that you're one of those people who only wants to date one person at a time. That's OK as well but if this girl was also dating other guys then obviously her approach to dating is not the same as yours. That doesn't mean either of you is wrong or right but that's just what you prefer.

I do think though that you were trying to really rush this relationship. You said you basically backed off because she seemed to be dating other guys. How did you know she was dating other guys? Did you know for sure or you just suspected it? You said you dated for a month before you became "exclusive". It seems it was you that pushed for it and she just went along with it.

You've only been seeing her for seven weeks but you already introduced her to all your friends and you seem to think she's "the one". I don't think you can really know that she's the one at this stage. I think you can't even really know how this relationship is going to go. You need time to really get to know each other and see if you're compatible in the long term.

I do think it's a bit odd that someone called her at 2:00 a.m. and she said she wanted to leave. I guess if it was some kind of emergency with friends or family, it's strange she wouldn't have mentioned what it was. Also you said she doesn't want to rush sex with you but if hypothetically if she was going to see another guy suddenly at 2:00 a.m., surely it was a booty call?

The thing is though you don't really know if she went to see another guy or not. If you're getting a sense she's seeing other guys and you're not OK with it then I think the best thing to do would probably be to stop seeing this woman.

I don't think you should accuse her or question her because you don't have proof and really your relationship is in very early stages. Personally I don't think you could really call it cheating as such. IF she's seeing other guys then in my opinion it's not so much cheating as maybe she doesn't like you as much as you like her. So she's still keeping her options open.

 

 

[Tinydance]

55 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why did you ask her to answer the call? So you could confirm whether or not it was someone she was dating?  That seems rather intrusive and unfair.  I think it's odd that only when you brought up exclusivity she apparently had not considered it and then said she'd slow down her dating (but not completely stop -right?).  It sounds more like she agreed to exclusivity because current conditions were not favorable for her to be meeting people but as soon as conditions improved she was pursuing other men again.  I mean -I also can see where the dessert "date"was not a date at all but given her lukewarm attitude I see where you are coming from.  But telling her to answer her own phone is out of bounds IMO -if you don't trust her, don't date her.

I got the impression she felt pressured to become exclusive. Because OP said that he was backing off because she was seeing other guys and that he wanted a serious relationship with her. Though maybe indirectly but he sort of gave her an ultimatum. Basically saying: "Stop seeing the other guys or I'll back off more". 

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, TheG said:

I told her I want a commited relationship with her and she thanked me for telling her, saying that it opens a new point of view for her and that she will start cutting people off because she likes me. 

And you believed her?

Dishonest people, people who would see other people while they date you, would never change. Because of "there is always something better" mentality. Yes, you are maybe good for her. But her mindset is like that and there is always maybe something better according to her. So she multidates, or even finds somebody new to date while she is with you. As you are never going to be enough. Because if you are, she would have stop that on her own. She wouldnt promise to stop after you told her that you mind that.

Also "start cutting people off" is such a vague statement. She deliberately words like that as if you ask her she could always say BS such as "Oh but we are not exclusive" or something like that. Sorry that you got deceived by somebody dishonest like that.

If it was me I would have dumped her on the spot. But she at least deserves an honest conversation and to ask her what is going on. So dont do silly tests and just talk to her. Sorry you got attached, but if she is like that, its better to cut your loses now. 

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @Batya33Ask her.  Have a discussion with her.  Keep it calm and ask her to tell you the truth. 

Pump the breaks on the relationship.  Get to know her better.  I wouldn't trust her if I were you.  She sounds deceitful. 

 

[Tinydance]

I just read the original post again and I missed some things the first time. OP you said you actually backed off after only the first date with her because she was also dating other guys. To be fair after only one date with you I think that's fine she was dating other guys because she met you only once. Also how did you know she was dating other guys? Did she tell you? I'm just curious to know how you actually had this information lol

I'm also just wondering, when she said she was going out with a friend, why did you think it was another guy? You said the person was feeding her dessert. Was there a photo of someone feeding her dessert? 

I'm not saying either that she was or wasn't seeing other guys because I don't know of course. I'm just trying to get more information about what's been making you think that she's seeing other guys.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, TheG said:

We have been in a committed relationship for about 3 weeks now (after dating for a month). The relationship felt like a dream, I couldnt believe how "perfect" she was for me.

How old are you guys? Early/late 20s?

You need to slow your roll. You can't know someone and see how perfect they are for you from 4-5 dates. It takes time to observe and learn about someone's character, aside from listening to them describe it theoretically.

Anyways, have that open convo with her and see what she'll say. She might have been seeing other guys, and in this case off you go. You stop wasting your time.

52 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Because OP said that he was backing off because she was seeing other guys and that he wanted a serious relationship with her. Though maybe indirectly but he sort of gave her an ultimatum. Basically saying: "Stop seeing the other guys or I'll back off more

Yea, that's the weirdest thing I've seen. Instead of being open about his intentions up front, he acted sort of passive aggressive about it. It's even kinda controlling. Red flag on OP. That  and asking her to answer the phone, another passive aggressive move.

[Tinydance]

2 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How old are you guys? Early/late 20s?

You need to slow your roll. You can't know someone and see how perfect they are for you from 4-5 dates. It takes time to observe and learn about someone's character, aside from listening to them describe it theoretically.

Anyways, have that open convo with her and see what she'll say. She might have been seeing other guys, and in this case off you go. You stop wasting your time.

Yea, that's the weirdest thing I've seen. Instead of being open about his intentions up front, he acted sort of passive aggressive about it. It's even kinda controlling. Red flag on OP. That  and asking her to answer the phone, another passive aggressive move.

He actually said after the first date he backed off because she was seeing other guys. That's only after one date. I understand if after two months and agreeing to be exclusive she's seeing other guys, that's different. But after one date that's a very big expectation that she wouldn't be seeing anyone else. If I went on only one date with someone, I'd have to idea if I'd even see them again lol

[TheG]

What I can say I have picked up about her is that shes quite insecure. Insecure about herself, her body etc because her previous BF damaged her self esteem. So when she asked me what I wanted from her I think it was a way of her saying she wants something serious she just wanted me to say it. After I said i would like a serious comitted relationship she said she actually wants the same thing its just that she will have to start talking to people now/cutting them off. 

She posts her outings quite alot so from some of the posts you can figure out that it is a date. When I called her out about going on these dates before we got committed she did admit to going on 1 or 2 dates. 

I can tell she likes me, alot even, but I think her insecurities are making her look for backup; i dont know. 

The 2 am call i dont think was a booty call but someone checking on her because she was out with me. That day I didnt even plan to go out with her that late. We went on a movie date during the day and I had a plans to go to another event later on. She said she really wanted to spend more time with me and we ended up going to the event together.

This is all just additional information from what I previously posted. I dont know, I am thinking of just slowing down communication and allowing her/give her space to decide what she really wants  

 

 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TheG said:

I asked her politely to answer the phona and she declined. which was ok. I didnt force her, it was just a request

An intrusive request. It’s her phone. I’d be really put off if someone “requested” that I answer my own phone just because it rang unless the call was potentially for that person. 

[Tinydance]

4 minutes ago, TheG said:

What I can say I have picked up about her is that shes quite insecure. Insecure about herself, her body etc because her previous BF damaged her self esteem. So when she asked me what I wanted from her I think it was a way of her saying she wants something serious she just wanted me to say it. After I said i would like a serious comitted relationship she said she actually wants the same thing its just that she will have to start talking to people now/cutting them off. 

She posts her outings quite alot so from some of the posts you can figure out that it is a date. When I called her out about going on these dates before we got committed she did admit to going on 1 or 2 dates. 

I can tell she likes me, alot even, but I think her insecurities are making her look for backup; i dont know. 

The 2 am call i dont think was a booty call but someone checking on her because she was out with me. That day I didnt even plan to go out with her that late. We went on a movie date during the day and I had a plans to go to another event later on. She said she really wanted to spend more time with me and we ended up going to the event together.

This is all just additional information from what I previously posted. I dont know, I am thinking of just slowing down communication and allowing her/give her space to decide what she really wants  

 

 

But how can you figure out from a post it was a date? Does she tag guys in those posts or have photos with guys?

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, TheG said:

I asked her politely to answer the phona and she declined. which was ok. I didnt force her, it was just a request

She didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday, man. 

She knows why you wanted her to answer in front of you. 

[boltnrun]

Your method of "backing off" every time the woman you're in a relationship with does something you don't like is not conducive to successful relationships. Passive-aggression is a relationship killer. 

How about you try talking about what bothers you?

[TheG]

41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Your method of "backing off" every time the woman you're in a relationship with does something you don't like is not conducive to successful relationships. Passive-aggression is a relationship killer. 

How about you try talking about what bothers you?

I will, I just need time to gather my thoughts and cool off a bit. She just messaged me to confirm if we are still on for Friday. She knows something is wrong but is also not asking about it. I think she knows exactly why we not talking right now but also not confronting it. 

anyway I confirmed that I am still on. But I think we definitely need to meet up before Friday to clear the air

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, TheG said:

I just need time to gather my thoughts and cool off a bit.

Why can't you tell her this?

Refusing to message her like you normally do is passive-aggressive. It serves to upset her. It makes you seem punitive which, again, is not conducive to a healthy and loving relationship.

Unless your actual goal is to upset her I'd talk to her sooner rather than later.

[MissCanuck]

20 minutes ago, TheG said:

She knows something is wrong but is also not asking about it.

It's your job to speak up if you are not happy about something. 

You need to learn to communicate more effectively or you will shoot yourself right in the foot. 

[TheG]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Why can't you tell her this?

Refusing to message her like you normally do is passive-aggressive. It serves to upset her. It makes you seem punitive which, again, is not conducive to a healthy and loving relationship.

Unless your actual goal is to upset her I'd talk to her sooner rather than later.

Simple advice but quite insightful. Ill let her know. I am not trying tp upset her , I am basically protecting myself by creating space

[Tinydance]

1 hour ago, TheG said:

Simple advice but quite insightful. Ill let her know. I am not trying tp upset her , I am basically protecting myself by creating space

You seem to like her, judging by the fact you said you even think she might be the one. I think back when you'd only been on one date, it wad unreasonable to expect she would stop seeing other guys. What proof do you have now that she's seeing other guys? E.g. In her social media posts?

If you're pretty sure she's seeing others then it could be best if you ended it with her, since you're not on the same page. However if you're not actually sure if she's seeing anyone else, you could still give her a chance. But I think try to not think of this as "she's the one", but more like just getting to know each other better and seeing where it goes. Just be careful about getting really attached and expecting she's your future wife and things like that lol

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, TheG said:

Simple advice but quite insightful. Ill let her know. I am not trying tp upset her , I am basically protecting myself by creating space

Do you believe trust is a vital component of a successful relationship?  How about feeling comfortable sharing your feelings?

If you come from a place of wanting to "protect" yourself by withholding communication, you are going to have a very short relationship full of turmoil and upset.

Why do you fear being intimate so much?  And I don't mean physical intimacy.

[TheG]

So i told her this morning that I just need time to process certain things that I am noticing and certain emotions I am feeling. And then she replied that this is no way to be in a relationship, if there is something wrong I must talk about it and not try to process it alone. She said when I back off she gets really turned off and she cant deal with a person who makes her feel that way. She added that relationships do have quarells but its too soon for us to be quarelling already. She said I shouldnt act like the victim because she is still shocked and feeling disappointed by my behaviour. So I should decide what I want...

[MissCanuck]

Well, she’s right about many things. 

You need to communicate with her or you are going to kill this fledgling relationship. Stop playing coy that you are “processing things.” be specific about what’s upset you. You’re too aloof for your own good and she’s letting you know this won’t work for her. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TheG said:

. She said I shouldnt act like the victim because she is still shocked and feeling disappointed by my behaviour. So I should decide what I want...

She has an excellent point. While there is an element of too much too soon and her possibly being on the rebound, using the silent treatment to deal with your anger and unconfirmed suspicions, is not helping.

Slow down. Date. Try to have fun. Leave baggage and jealousy in the past.