I think my partner is faking it, how do I approach this

[r350]

9 minutes ago, JoyfulCompany said:

Coming with a straight forward opinion here but don't take it personally, after all the only information I have is via a few posts.

а) Please, don't do it over text and don't start with an accusation. "Why are you faking it?" is absolutely an accusatory question. You seem more offended than actually curious and caring about her, her pleasure and changing things for the better.

Your feeling of frustration is valid but I disagree with your train of thought and your approach. Part of being mature is to work towards 1) minimizing (negative) reactivity and 2) preventing resentment from piling up. Those are actually a great basis for good communication, too.
In this situation you've somewhat breached both by:
1) The text "we need to talk" without the possibility to talk face to face sooner - it's a very very important conversation to have but it's not urgent. What gives you a sense of urgency is your anxiety/anger around it. You just want to relieve those much more than you're motivated to put a foundation of blossoming communication. In my opinion it will be beneficial if you find ways to calm down and think about how and why you feel the way you feel.

When you meet next time, ask honest questions, listen carefully what she's saying and say how you feel instead of giving evaluation of her actions (this is rude, that is disrespectful, etc.).

2) You've noticed it some time ago and didn't address it right away. Yes, it's good to take a breather to gain perspective but if something frustrates you a couple of times, certainly don't sweep it under the carpet for too long.

b) and c) Perhaps that's who she is at this point of her life. A people pleaser, avoiding conflicts and maybe avoiding getting into deeper conversations out of fear of conflicts, who knows. It's unrealistic to suddenly expect brutal honesty. Your best bet is help provide an environment where she'll feel safe to come out of her shell.

Ultimately maybe you're just not compatible. But by any means it's worth working on communication.

On the topic of orgasm, in short - I almost never finish but I also thoroughly enjoy it most of the time. To the point of spacing out of pleasure, just no climax. So I really dislike when people associate strong orgasm with great sex. Sex is so much more than keeping score.

Good luck.

That's brilliant advice honestly thank you.

Since texting her the whole we need to talk thing I've since realised - since at that time it was fresh and I was angry and hurt - that the anxiety I would cause her by saying we need to talk makes it seem this huuuge conversation when really I should make it comfortable for her by making it alot more low key 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, r350 said:

at that time it was fresh and I was angry and hurt

Why would  the regular variations in her sexual response make you "angry and hurt"? people are different. Some women are multiorgasmic, some barely quiver and everything in between. Including in the same woman depending on a multitude of personal factors. Try to keep the blame and insecurities out of your conversation. Let her be who she is independent of your insecurities.

[Coily]

I for one don't think that this is about your insecurities sexually OP, as much as it is you two are not on the same page with what sex means to your relationship. It seems for you that it's an intense pleasure bringing moment with bonding in the afterglow of a good orgasm. For her its a performative action, that you perceive as inconvenient to her by her jumping right into ordering food.

I don't think this is about ego stroking by asking if she had an orgasm, when I have it was never about feeling like I was great at sex. It was to know if there were things she wanted to try different, that would bring her more pleasure so we both could enjoy. It's never the most articulate discussion at times, but as long as when you ask her about her orgasm make sure you are wanting to learn her sexual preferences.

[moodindigo91]

Honestly, I think calling faking an orgasm to avoid alleviate the pressure you're seemingly applying on yourself and her to have some porn-style sex every time you do have sex as a "form of lying" is kind of dramatic. Sure, it might be a form of lying. But so is allowing your kids to believe in Santa or the tooth fairy. And anyway, you don't even know if she is faking it or why, and you're basically calling her a liar now. I bet every woman you've ever slept with more than once has faked an orgasm with you at least once. This is just an overly negative view and I think it will restrict your ability to be happy in a relationship going forward. 

Also, you keep harping on "communication" and yet you seem to have failed to communicate any of your assumptions or suspicions about her faking it to her.

It honestly seems like you are sexually incompatible. Like she doesn't feel the same way about sex that you do. But if you stayed together, I agree that the best way to go about addressing the issue is to actually ask her if there's anything she'd like to try, ask her what she likes that you do or that you don't do but should do, etc. Try implementing her sexual preferences (instead of calling her a liar) and see what happens. If her after-sex reactions don't improve to your liking, it's probably time to move on to someone more sexually compatible. I wouldn't even bother asking if she orgasmed tbh. Maybe ask something more indirect like, how often do you orgasm? What can I do to make you orgasm? 

[mylolita]

One piece of advice, from someone who's seen it all - when she climaxes for real, you'll know. You won't have to ask. 

When you suspect she's faked it, I am sure you are pretty much nearly always right.

All you need for mind blowing sex is to just be madly into each other, and ideally head over heels in love. If you have that, the rest sorts it's self out, give or take. 

x

[dias]

28 minutes ago, mylolita said:

If you have that, the rest sorts it's self out, give or  and  take. 

Now it's more accurate!

[mylolita]

5 minutes ago, dias said:

Now it's more accurate!

Oh well done! 🤣 My editor now are we! I need to send you the proofs before 😉😜 

 

x

[r350]

I've just asked her and she says there isn't ever a time she doesn't enjoy it and she would say if she didn't, so I just gotta take that, even though i don't fully buy it

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

Just now, r350 said:

I've just asked her and she says there isn't ever a time she doesn't enjoy it and she would say if she didn't, so I just gotta take that, even though i don't fully buy it

 

 

 

Why don't you buy it? Have there been other instances where you caught her lying to you?

I don't "have one" every time but I absolutely love sex. And I'm not lying.

[r350]

Just now, boltnrun said:

Why don't you buy it? Have there been other instances where you caught her lying to you?

I don't "have one" every time but I absolutely love sex. And I'm not lying.

I dont know maybe like others have stated its born out of some kind of insecurity but also I just go off my intuition and maybe that'd wrong. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, r350 said:

I dont know maybe like others have stated its born out of some kind of insecurity but also I just go off my intuition and maybe that'd wrong. 

So she does or does not have a history of lying to you?

If not, why do you suspect her of lying now?

[DarkCh0c0]

30 minutes ago, r350 said:

I've just asked her and she says there isn't ever a time she doesn't enjoy it and she would say if she didn't, so I just gotta take that, even though i don't fully buy it

Did you ask her face to face?

Please don't say this topic was broached via texts.

[Andrina]

People are in one their most vulnerable states when sharing their naked bodies with a loved one. Broaching concerns about the topic of sex has to be handled with extreme kid-gloves. Just as an intelligent, caring woman wouldn't express deep concern if a man couldn't get it up, like chattering on, i.e., "Oh, wow. What happened? This never happened before. Should you see a doctor? Or do I not look sexy to you today?"

Whereas, a smart woman would just let the guy speak for himself, and just be loving, caressing his chest, or saying something that makes sense for the situation. "We're both overly tired."

If she's a people pleaser, maybe she'd prefer sex once or twice a week and just goes along with your three or four times a week preference to please you.

I'd just give her your needs, which is to ask that she not get on the phone for 10 or 15 minutes after the deed so you two can chill without that distraction. 

And do take what she says at face value, or the bitterness you feel will ruin the relationship. If you can't stop from feeling bitter, just let her go, because nobody deserves that.

Many women do better getting off with oral, so you can try that as an alternate, if you haven't, and don't expect her to cum a 2nd time just because it's your turn when you stick it in.

Make the communication positive, in that you're learning about each other like treasure maps. 

If you feel as though she's not authentic, and things don't take a turn for the better, it's best to end it before investing any more time when you two don't gel.

[moodindigo91]

46 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't "have one" every time but I absolutely love sex. And I'm not lying.

Yes, exactly. I don't orgasm every time but I almost always enjoy having sex with the people I am choosing to have sex with. When I didn't, it was mostly due to emotional issues between us. 

45 minutes ago, r350 said:

I just go off my intuition and maybe that'd wrong.

Yeah maybe your intuition is wrong here. If she's telling you she's enjoying it, I don't see a reason to doubt her. I, for one, wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who I didn't enjoy having sex with, and I wouldn't tell them I enjoyed sex if I didn't. Have you ever felt this way about previous partners? 

[r350]

23 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Did you ask her face to face?

Please don't say this topic was broached via texts.

No face to face

[boltnrun]

Just now, r350 said:

No face to face

And you still "don't buy it"? Why not?

Was she shifty eyed? Or giving you some clear indications she was lying?

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, r350 said:

No face to face

Thankfully. So how did the conversation go?

58 minutes ago, r350 said:

even though i don't fully buy it

Why not? And what did you tell her in response to that?

[MissCanuck]

Do you believe women can't enjoy sex if we don't have an orgasm every time?

If so, you have a lot to learn about us. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, r350 said:

I've just asked her and she says there isn't ever a time she doesn't enjoy it and she would say if she didn't, 

Sorry this happened. Yes it does seem like insecurities by asking this. 

You'll have to accept that she can say no if she's not in the mood.

Unfortunately this unnessary conversation will make sex less enjoyable for her because you're putting her under a microscope as a misguided measure of your prowess, and sadly it will just make things awkward, unnatural and self-conscious.

It may be better to start from within to address why you can't accept the usual variation in women's sexual responses. 

Perhaps the bottom line is you're not sexually or otherwise compatible and this talk will help facilitate setting each other free. Perhaps next time try to tune into each other in more natural rather than forced ways.

[r350]

So we spoke last night. I tried to frame it in a way that wasn't too formal or serious but then I didn't wanna just brush it off after saying something bugged me prior to last night. She basically didn't add much, said that she knows how to fake but hasn't with me, since there isn't any need to because she never hasn't enjoyed it and that if she didn't enjoy it or didn't want to engage, she would just say.

 

 

 

Its hard to buy this given she just seems like she'd keep shtum and keep any peace rather than risk causing conflict, hurting feelings etc.

 

 

 

*It* wasn't awkward after that conversation and maybe, aside from all of this I just need to be more patient and take my time more in the bedroom department. I'd like to hope we aren't just incompatible and that communication can rectify some things, but I just think she's the kinda girl who goes with the flow, isnt one for deep and serious conversations or any kind of conflict, says yes (even though she wants to say no), puts the pleasure of others infront of her own etc

 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I don't understand why you are refusing to believe her.

At this point, if you are so dead set on thinking she's "faking" and you disregard the answers she given you I wonder why you're staying in this relationship.

[moodindigo91]

56 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I don't understand why you are refusing to believe her.

At this point, if you are so dead set on thinking she's "faking" and you disregard the answers she given you I wonder why you're staying in this relationship.

Yeah, same.