To Ghost Or Not Ghost

[girltalkCA]

I've been dating my ex for the last 3 months. We've broken up multiple times over similar issues. She is bipolar and has been cycling through manic/depressive states for the last 2 years.  She is on medication and doing ECT and coming off off a really bad depressive state. We decided to reconnect and date because we do love and care for one another.  Unfortunately, the same issues keep coming up (her illness, inability to hold down a job, and just stay healthy). I also play my part too as the Fixer and always focusing on her instead of my own life.  

Three days ago, we got into what seemed like a silly argument but turned into something more.  I'm sensing she is cycling again, because regardless of what I said, she couldn't rationally hear me which she normally does.  Plus, I've seen this before right before she cycles.  So instead of going in circles arguing, I told her I'd call her back. That was 3 days ago. I haven't heard anything from her either.  Honestly, I'm not sure I feel safe contacting her right now.  When she is healthy, we have great communication, but I just don't know what to expect on her end right now. Should I reach out and tell her I need time? Is it ok to just take time without saying I am?  She hasn't communicated with me either which says volumes because that is very out of character. Is it OK to just stop communication and maybe revisit in a few months as friends? I don't want to ghost and be hurtful and I also don't want to put myself in that vulnerable position.

What should I do?

[treasure_island]

11 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

I've been dating my ex for the last 3 months. We've broken up multiple times over similar issues. She is bipolar and has been cycling through manic/depressive states for the last 2 years.  She is on medication and doing ECT and coming off off a really bad depressive state. We decided to reconnect and date because we do love and care for one another.  Unfortunately, the same issues keep coming up (her illness, inability to hold down a job, and just stay healthy). I also play my part too as the Fixer and always focusing on her instead of my own life.  

Three days ago, we got into what seemed like a silly argument but turned into something more.  I'm sensing she is cycling again, because regardless of what I said, she couldn't rationally hear me which she normally does.  Plus, I've seen this before right before she cycles.  So instead of going in circles arguing, I told her I'd call her back. That was 3 days ago. I haven't heard anything from her either.  Honestly, I'm not sure I feel safe contacting her right now.  When she is healthy, we have great communication, but I just don't know what to expect on her end right now. Should I reach out and tell her I need time? Is it ok to just take time without saying I am?  She hasn't communicated with me either which says volumes because that is very out of character. Is it OK to just stop communication and maybe revisit in a few months as friends? I don't want to ghost and be hurtful and I also don't want to put myself in that vulnerable position.

What should I do?

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's very tough when your partner has condition that isn't even her fault. Truth is, with manic/depressive states, it's an ongoing cycle. She will need ongoing therapy, and even if one med works at one point, another problem arises. I'm no mental health expert, but I know that  for you as the partner it takes a toll. 

You have to make an executive decision at this point. I assume you haven't officially broken up. You need to plan long-term and decide if you want to be with her for the rest of your life. The cycles will keep happening, question is, are you ok to stick to her while they're happening? If yes, then you are still a couple and you should take care of her, it's your responsibility as an empathetic partner. If you're not ok with the cycles, if they affect your mental health and your aspirations,  then you need to leave for good. It's a tough decision. I know you love each other and that makes it harder. If you do decide to break up, wait until she calms down and she can hear you. That way you can openly discuss everything with her. 

Only you know what's best.

Good luck!

[girltalkCA]

26 minutes ago, treasure_island said:

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's very tough when your partner has condition that isn't even her fault. Truth is, with manic/depressive states, it's an ongoing cycle. She will need ongoing therapy, and even if one med works at one point, another problem arises. I'm no mental health expert, but I know that  for you as the partner it takes a toll. 

You have to make an executive decision at this point. I assume you haven't officially broken up. You need to plan long-term and decide if you want to be with her for the rest of your life. The cycles will keep happening, question is, are you ok to stick to her while they're happening? If yes, then you are still a couple and you should take care of her, it's your responsibility as an empathetic partner. If you're not ok with the cycles, if they affect your mental health and your aspirations,  then you need to leave for good. It's a tough decision. I know you love each other and that makes it harder. If you do decide to break up, wait until she calms down and she can hear you. That way you can openly discuss everything with her. 

Only you know what's best.

Good luck!

Thank you for this! The problem is it could take months for her to "calm down" so I'm not sure if I should just stop communicating and the fact that she isn't communicating makes it mutual or if I should reach out even if I'm unsure of what I want to say or what direction to go.

[treasure_island]

13 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Thank you for this! The problem is it could take months for her to "calm down" so I'm not sure if I should just stop communicating and the fact that she isn't communicating makes it mutual or if I should reach out even if I'm unsure of what I want to say or what direction to go.

so basically you're not on talking terms? you can still be in contact with her, that's not a problem. Check in with her periodically and keep it low key (if she even responds). Then, once the cycle is over, that's when you talk about where your relationship is going. If you want to break up, I wouldn't start dating anyone right now though, b/c you two are still together. You gotta stay loyal. 

Most important thing right now is WHAT you wanna do regarding your relationship, not WHEN you're gonna do it. If you wanna stay with her you stay with her. If you wanna break up, you should break up once the cycle is over, but not now, b/c she's not hearing you. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

We've broken up multiple times over similar issues.

Since the nature of your relationship is on/off, I'd follow her lead. If she wants to contact you, she knows how to do it, and given that you don't want to contact her when she can't even understand what you are saying, I'd pull back.

[MissCanuck]

I would be direct, kind and firm that you don't wish to remain in contact. Wish her the best in her healing, and be done with it. 

Don't wait for her to reach out to you. Why? That puts you on hold (again) for someone who is not going to give you the relationship you want. Based on your past threads, this is way beyond the point of discussing a future together. 

There is nothing left to talk about anymore. You need to extricate yourself from this once and for all. You can be kind and respectful about it, but you need to do it and leave no loose ends. 

[smackie9]

You two are already ghosting on each other. If she reaches out, make it official and tell her you are done.

[girltalkCA]

11 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Since the nature of your relationship is on/off, I'd follow her lead. If she wants to contact you, she knows how to do it, and given that you don't want to contact her when she can't even understand what you are saying, I'd pull back.

This is the direction I am leaning towards. We weren't officially in a "relationship" this time around, we were just "dating". Plus, there is a chance at some point I'd want to stay friends, or maybe I won't. I don't have the answers right now. That's why I'm feeling it best to just pull back and let things happen naturally (even if that means naturally just never talking to each other). Actions speak louder than words. We've both done this before, to some degree. And yes, if she wanted to talk, she would reach out to me. Somehow I have the feeling we are both don't know what to do and therefore not doing anything.

[Batya33]

Not ghosting -you each responded and haven't spoken since -typical situation of people who don't feel like being in contact for now.

[catfeeder]

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

And yes, if she wanted to talk, she would reach out to me. Somehow I have the feeling we are both don't know what to do and therefore not doing anything.

You may want to consider how much of your future you want to spend revolved around this person. There are plenty of perfectly lovely people who are best loved from far away.

[boltnrun]

In one of your other threads about this woman you said your therapist advised you to remove yourself from this unhealthy relationship for your own good. What does your therapist say when you tell them you are going to continue anyway?

[girltalkCA]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

In one of your other threads about this woman you said your therapist advised you to remove yourself from this unhealthy relationship for your own good. What does your therapist say when you tell them you are going to continue anyway?

As any good therapist, she doesn't "tell me what to do" but guides me through my process. Pretty much everyone in my life, family, friends, and I'm sure my therapist advise me that this is not a healthy relationship or person.

[smackie9]

5 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

As any good therapist, she doesn't "tell me what to do" but guides me through my process. Pretty much everyone in my life, family, friends, and I'm sure my therapist advise me that this is not a healthy relationship or person.

Right she's not going to tell you what to do, BUT she's hoping you will figure it out that it's time to get out of it and find something healthier.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, girltalkCA said:

As any good therapist, she doesn't "tell me what to do" but guides me through my process. Pretty much everyone in my life, family, friends, and I'm sure my therapist advise me that this is not a healthy relationship or person.

Ok, so why do YOU think it's a good idea to continue? Do you have solid reasons other than "but I LOVE her!!" or "there could be so much potential if she didn't do the things she keeps doing!"?

[lostandhurt]

This has to do with way more than ghosting or not.  This is you holding onto hope that somehow someday she will be a good healthy relationship partner when you know deep down that she NEVER will be.

 What you are asking is: "How do I go about this without ruining a chance of something in the future with her?"  Saying you want to be friends one day or friends or just date is all a bunch of BS you are not only feeding us but more importantly yourself.  She is not the one for you and until she gets herself healthy she is not for anyone and may not ever be.  This is the nature of the condition.

 You are trying to love her out of this and it cannot be done.  Loving her doesn't mean you should stick around and hope it gets a little better, try to be friends just in case or stay in orbit hoping.

 It is time to end this once and for all.  The thing I don't think you see in all this is that your presence in her life could be distracting her from what she needs to do for her own health.

 Sometimes people come into our life that we love but sometimes we HAVE to be selfish and think of ourselves and do what is best for us no matter how much it may hurt.

If you ghost it leaves it hanging out there unfinished.  I say stick a pin in it once and for all with a short and to the point message that it is over and she will never hear from you again.

 Lost