30 And Never Had A Girlfriend, Too Ugly?

[MysteriousTelephone]

11 minutes ago, MikalJoyner said:

It isn’t your time yet 

I do have to question the idea that the majority of the population finds a relationship in their teen years, but I specifically have to wait for "my time" because.... reasons?

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, MysteriousTelephone said:

I do have to question the idea that the majority of the population finds a relationship in their teen years, but I specifically have to wait for "my time" because.... reasons?

What does that even mean -that someone who "finds a relationship" when they are young somehow is in a better position than someone who doesn't?

[Carnatic]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

No -not what I wrote or meant and I think my approach is highly typical - meaning how attraction and chemistry are related (and not related) to physical features.. My approach as I wrote about it not as you interpreted it. 

I've reread it and I really am struggling to comprehend how I could have interpreted it any other way.

You suggested, or seemed to be suggesting that other than maybe one or two broad personal preferences (in your case, a man who has an clean cut look and is taller that you) physical appearance is irrelevant to whether you feel chemistry and attraction.

I don't doubt that's an accurate description of you... If that is what you meant, but I don't think it's true for the vast majority of people.

Attraction may be complex and subjective, not 100% based on physical features and not just simply a binary yes/no filter that determines who might be worth looking at more closely; but it doesn't mean that everyone is equally likely to be found attractive. For some people it's going to take a lot longer than others for them to eventually meet someone who says 'yes' when asked out, and if you're one of those people then the dating scene is a lot more demoralising than it would be for the average person.

It seems sometimes that people disbelieve that you could be having a hard time meeting someone and give it the old 'you're just not trying hard enough' or act like being one of those people who can go years before even getting a 'maybe' shouldn't affect your confidence.

[Mammalyssa]

I havnt spent the time to read 10 pages of replies but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you feel your looks have prevented you from having a relationship. 

People can say all kinds of things and have opinions about it but at the end of the day nobody else has the answers for you either.. and a lot of people make dismissive comments in an attempt to make you feel better (which is unhelpful and invalidates your feelings).  The world is actually a very cruel place and a majority of people quite shallow.  

I hope you find fulfilment in life and at some point a lasting relationship. Big hugs x

[Carnatic]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

I ask this completely genuinely Carnatic, as someone who I get the impression might know where the OP is coming from emotionally - what your advice for solving his problem would be? 
 

Have any different approaches worked better for you? How do you level with all this? 
 

Sometimes on these threads, I feel like the OP is actually being given a boost by those that perceive it as negative feedback. We are saying, maybe tweak that, try this? You got this! We are saying, waiting it out, you are likely to find someone at some point! Y’know? It sucks big time, we can understand the frustration and pain - but from the outside looking in, we don’t see too much wrong! 
 

Strangely, it seems to get put into “oh you all in relationships are attractive and have it easy so we can disregard your experiences because you just have it easy” and then the “everything sucks nothing works I’m just ugly there is nothing else for it you wouldn’t understand the struggle” responses. 

I am trying to be realistic - life isn’t fair, the game is loaded. We know this. Beautiful people have it easy in many different areas. Everything is a trade off though. They have it harder in others. Beautiful people have just as many terrible, failed marriages as unattractive people. They are no more happy, in the long run, in my opinion. 
 

There are lovely, great, nice, fantastic catches of women out there who aren’t all about appearance or who’s got abs or a massive bank roll. They do exist and they can be got! It’s not impossible!

 

x 

I don't have any advice for the OP. Honestly from what he says he probably does a better job than I do of projecting confidence. It is possible he's exaggerating how successful and confident he is to try and place all the blame for his difficulties on appearance, but that would be an assumption about someone I don't know.

I'm not sure I see an attitude of 'all you in relationships must be attractive and successful and have it easy', case in point I have actually been in a relationship (one that left me feeling worse rather than better about myself but that's a story for another day) but it seems as though people are reacting as though that's what they infer. There's a lot of butting heads and assuming people who don't totally sympathise have extreme and inflexible versions of their opinions, just like every Internet debate ever.

I do assume though that the op posts here in the same way I do and I imagine a lot of people, where the anonymous nature of a forum gives people the opportunity to vent their worst fears about yourself, things you wouldn't ever put out into your own social circle. I don't think he is telling everyone he meets irl how hard he has it in dating.

I don't know if there's much understanding, the general voice of the people here or whenever someone mentions being ugly as thing that's causing them to struggle and getting them down is usually just 'get over it', but like I say, this is a far better place for someone to air these feelings than their own social group.

[Tinydance]

6 hours ago, MysteriousTelephone said:

I do have to question the idea that the majority of the population finds a relationship in their teen years, but I specifically have to wait for "my time" because.... reasons?

Well it's not like this is being wished on you but it's just the way things turned out so far. I don't think the majority of the population finds a relationship in their teen years. Some do and some don't.

[Tinydance]

9 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I don't have any advice for the OP. Honestly from what he says he probably does a better job than I do of projecting confidence. It is possible he's exaggerating how successful and confident he is to try and place all the blame for his difficulties on appearance, but that would be an assumption about someone I don't know.

I'm not sure I see an attitude of 'all you in relationships must be attractive and successful and have it easy', case in point I have actually been in a relationship (one that left me feeling worse rather than better about myself but that's a story for another day) but it seems as though people are reacting as though that's what they infer. There's a lot of butting heads and assuming people who don't totally sympathise have extreme and inflexible versions of their opinions, just like every Internet debate ever.

I do assume though that the op posts here in the same way I do and I imagine a lot of people, where the anonymous nature of a forum gives people the opportunity to vent their worst fears about yourself, things you wouldn't ever put out into your own social circle. I don't think he is telling everyone he meets irl how hard he has it in dating.

I don't know if there's much understanding, the general voice of the people here or whenever someone mentions being ugly as thing that's causing them to struggle and getting them down is usually just 'get over it', but like I say, this is a far better place for someone to air these feelings than their own social group.

Nobody actually just said "just get over it"! If people said that this would be a very short thread. Everyone took the time to write very long responses and said supportive things. As well as giving a lot of advice. This is actually offensive.

[Carnatic]

14 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Nobody actually just said "just get over it"! If people said that this would be a very short thread. Everyone took the time to write very long responses and said supportive things. As well as giving a lot of advice. This is actually offensive.

No I'm paraphrasing of course, but basically a lot of responses, not all but certainly a lot and not just on this thread make the argument that 'there's no such thing as attractive/unattractive, you're wrong to think your lack of success in dating has anything to do with how you look' and so on... which is just a more eloquent way of saying 'get over it'.

[Tinydance]

1 minute ago, Carnatic said:

No I'm paraphrasing of course, but basically a lot of responses, not all but certainly a lot and not just on this thread make the argument that 'there's no such thing as attractive/unattractive, you're wrong to think your lack of success in dating has anything to do with how you look' and so on... which is just a more eloquent way of saying 'get over it'.

Well I actually gave advice even in the case of being ugly. For example, asking out women who are also unattractive. I'm sure unattractive women would also have issues dating, but they still want to find someone. 

Also it's possible to have some plastic surgery done if the person really was quite ugly. I think there is also a difference between someone who is average, plain and actually ugly. When I think of the word ugly I think of someone unpleasant to look at. Or maybe disfigured in some way. 

For example if a plain man cold approached a woman, maybe she'll say no. Maybe she'd say yes to a cute guy because she'd be flattered that a cute guy noticed her. So it's true that the plain man has to work harder. In his case he may need to actually get to know women in person and go for women who are also average. But I think the point everyone was trying to make is that it's not impossible to still find someone, even if it's more difficult.

Also just some of OP's statements sounded very generalised and exaggerated. Which is why I maybe got the impression that he exaggerated his "ugliness". He said every time a woman rejected him, then she found a handsome man instead. And that all his friends are attractive and that's why they don't believe him. How can every woman find a handsome man and every one of his friends be attractive? Just doesn't sound realistic.

To me that sounded like some kind of complex where a person believes basically all/most other people to be attractive but consider themselves ugly.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, Carnatic said:

You suggested, or seemed to be suggesting that other than maybe one or two broad personal preferences (in your case, a man who has an clean cut look and is taller that you) physical appearance is irrelevant to whether you feel chemistry and attraction.

I don't doubt that's an accurate description of you... If that is what you meant, but I don't think it's true for the vast majority of people.

No it's quite relevant if you read my post.  But photos are largely irrelevant to me - I have to meet the person in person to determine whether I have physical attraction.  You wrote about photos and swiping as related to physical attraction. 

So when it came to photos yes I declined based on certain photos - for sure -if I was repulsed, and the other issues I mentioned. 

I personally do not photograph well and I really dislike being photographed and unfortunately my husband is constantly taking photos.  But that's a tiny reason why - it does tell me  that not everyone photographs well even if you have all sorts of shots/angles. 

Yes, I was as a teen physically attracted to John Stamos's photo -the huge poster in my bedroom LOL.  I mean I guess so -to me he (and Rob Lowe back then ,swoon) were so hot.  As a teen maybe I imagined I would want to go on a date with one of them -a young teen -but when I was dating if you'd told me I could do on a date with one of them or similar I'd have said yes to a dinner date -meaning not a hook up situation - it would have been neat to meet like that of course -but not because I thought we'd actually have chemistry -that would  depend on meeting.  

Through my work and social life I met a number of famous people including very handsome and famous men. (Been years although I declined the opportunity to meet a really famous political figure because I was too concerned to leave my 3 month old son for 10 hours with my husband lol.)

I remember meeting a handsome actor at a party - a small house party- he's been in several movies, extremely well known - my then boyfriend had met him in the past and introduced us- and yes I thought he was attractive but honestly I was more star struck. 

Similarly, I approached Mikhail Baryshnikov on a flight many years ago -he didn't want to be noticed it turned out so I kept my comments brief (I think it was right after he was on Sex and the City).  I wasn't sexually attracted to him but sure I felt a thrill of being in the presence of a famous man who is also quite handsome!  Would I have said "attraction?" Yes- all else equal if he'd asked me out on a date I'd have felt enough attraction to go on a date and see what happened.

For sure people can feel attraction of sorts at first glance.  I just don't think photos are relevant because then the focus is entirely on physical features in a still shot -not seeing how the person looks/moves/acts/eye contact in real life which to me are essential parts of chemistry. 

I think that's very typical for those who don't just want a quick hook up or arm candy -if you do then the photo might provide all the necessary info -if  you have a physical type you like and you want sex or a hook up or you have an event to go to where you'd love to have a hottie on your arm then the attraction might be just from a photo because it's a low stakes situation -if it turns out the attraction is sufficient only for a hook up cool -and if you meet and somehow the photo was distorted or misleading you make your quick exit. I'm referring to finding chemistry and attraction for someone you potentially want to date and potentially want a relationship with even if it's not ultra serious.  

An anecdote - many years ago I had a first meet  with a really cute guy.  HIs photos were cute too! He didn't call. Maybe a month later totally random I ran into him on the street during a work day.  I was actually looking very put together that day. He did a sort of double take and recognized me.  Big smile. 

He contacted me on the dating site- some excuse about why he hadn't called, would I please consider meeting him again.  I said sure.  Before the date he posted new photos of himself (no I didn't care that he was actively looking -I was too!) - one photo was him, bare chested, puffing out his chest and I think ended at the waist-he was also looking down admiringly (I guess at how buff he was?). 

He was buff -I guess he'd been working out? He was handsome! I cancelled the date.  I found his looks attractive in real life as I said, certainly the photo showed off his physique and I knew for sure that anyone who would post a photo like that didn't share my values.  (No I did not tell him why I was cancelling - not my place to share what I thought of his choice of photos). 

That's an example of a photo giving me information that says "nope" even if the man is very attractive.

[Carnatic]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No it's quite relevant if you read my post.  But photos are largely irrelevant to me - I have to meet the person in person to determine whether I have physical attraction.  You wrote about photos and swiping as related to physical attraction.

Ah right... I get what you mean now. I wasn't talking exclusively about photos as being how people judge attractiveness, I forgot I even wrote about photos and swiping but it was just meant as an example, since it's common thes days and people will make a lot of assessments in a short space of time. When you were disagreeing with me I thought you were disagreeing with the notion that physical appearance plays any part at all.

Photos as an element of judging attraction is becoming more unavoidable now though. Even if we're not talking Tinder, there are just more photos of everyone around than before so the chances that someone you're talking to knows you only in person and hasn't seen photos of you before is nowadays pretty low. You can go on someone's social media and see photos of them and if you're chatting to them before meeting up, you're probably doing so on a device that is capable of taking and sending a photograph so there's more likelihood that you'll be asked to do that.

I'm kinda the opposite to you, I photograph pretty well... certainly in comparison to how I actually look. I have sort of 'neanderthal' physical features: sloping forehead, underbite, bulbous nose, small deep-set eyes but these are all things that I can turn my head in a certain direction and you can't tell, and of course the things you mention 'looks/moves/acts/eye contact' that you only get in person. That said I still hate being photographed.

[Batya33]

11 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I actually gave advice even in the case of being ugly. For example, asking out women who are also unattractive. I'm sure unattractive women would also have issues dating, but they still want to find someone. 

I found in my dating that it doesn't work that way.  Often people have different perspectives on their looks and have very specific standards on what they want as far as physical features (like a woman who is "unattractive" saying no to a man who is shorter than average as she's not attractive to shorter men or to a man who is very tall and very skinny, etc).  I had a very self-honest appraisal of my looks and didn't think a hot model type guy would want me - I did get involved with some including seriously.  But my ego didn't feel bruised just because a much more attractive looking guy picked a woman who was more attractive than me.  Happened a number of times.  

I don't think disfigured people are ugly.  I had a first meet with a disfigured man and I've written about it here in the past. He lied to me via his photos to hide his disfigurement.  His disfigurement was that half his face was paralyzed and part of his neck.  As a result half of his face was horribly distorted looking and scarred. He'd had multiple surgeries. 

The other half of his face was handsome.  It was really hard to meet him and realize he'd lied as he had, and then see this scary looking (scary to me at first glance especially if you're not told in advance) face.  I understood why he lied.  I didn't appreciate this sort of surprise. I had to be 100% honest with myself. 

Could I feel comfortable around him, could I adjust to how he looked? I'd never had to deal with this before (I was in my early 30s).  I spoke with my wise mother, with my sister.  Of course it's individual -because I know through the grapevine that over the years I think he eventually found a better plastic surgeon, I believe he married and I'm delighted for him.  I don't think he married someone with a disfigurement or disability.  It was hard to face that obviously shallow part of me although I always knew I had a shallow part -I always knew looks mattered to an extent.

And this person could not change how he looked -not a matter of losing weight, getting a different hair style, etc (I think the surgery options must have improved as he said he'd had so many).

This is the best example I have of my declining someone I met in person based almost solely on looks (and yes partly although I understood why he misled me I thought it was unkind to subject me to that sort of surprise/shock -maybe some women would have been like "oh whatever half his  face is distorted and paralyzed, I'll have a latte, no whip but no I admit I was shocked). 

(And yes I've been highly criticized in this forum many years ago for deciding not to give him a chance because he was a really good person - I respect others' opinions -so yes there is a level of disfigurement that wouldn't have worked for me -and yes if we'd been married and this happened to him I know for sure I would have stayed married, committed, loyal and loving no matter what - but to start out dating him in this way -I decided not to go there).

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Carnatic said:

Photos as an element of judging attraction is becoming more unavoidable now though. Even if we're not talking Tinder, there are just more photos of everyone around than before so the chances that someone you're talking to knows you only in person and hasn't seen photos of you before is nowadays pretty low. You can go on someone's social media and see photos of them and if you're chatting to them before meeting up, you're probably doing so on a device that is capable of taking and sending a photograph so there's more likelihood that you'll be asked to do that.

I don't agree. People who are serious minded and not just looking for arm candy or a hook up with rare exception likely will take my approach or similar.  When I dated photos were everywhere too for the most part -like I said I did written personal ads often with no photos and I was set up on many blind dates - but if you have the mindset that you cannot determine chemistry through a photo and if you are not a person who is intensely focused on a specific type of physical features then seeing tons of photos won't affect the decision to meet in person. 

Oh with this exception -what I wrote about the guy looking down at his naked chest -yes - because people post more photos of themselves on social media I would judge the person's values -like I have acquaintances who regularly post photos of themselves for the purpose of getting praise/accolades.  I don't respect that, I cannot stand that form of bragging.  I have acquaintances who post more revealing photos.  So yes more photos would mean me making assumptions based on what the person chose to portray of their lives, activities, bodies.  But not whether I was physically attracted to a photo.  

[Carnatic]

22 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well I actually gave advice even in the case of being ugly. For example, asking out women who are also unattractive. I'm sure unattractive women would also have issues dating, but they still want to find someone. 

Also it's possible to have some plastic surgery done if the person really was quite ugly. I think there is also a difference between someone who is average, plain and actually ugly. When I think of the word ugly I think of someone unpleasant to look at. Or maybe disfigured in some way. 

For example if a plain man cold approached a woman, maybe she'll say no. Maybe she'd say yes to a cute guy because she'd be flattered that a cute guy noticed her. So it's true that the plain man has to work harder. In his case he may need to actually get to know women in person and go for women who are also average. But I think the point everyone was trying to make is that it's not impossible to still find someone, even if it's more difficult.

Also just some of OP's statements sounded very generalised and exaggerated. Which is why I maybe got the impression that he exaggerated his "ugliness". He said every time a woman rejected him, then she found a handsome man instead. And that all his friends are attractive and that's why they don't believe him. How can every woman find a handsome man and every one of his friends be attractive? Just doesn't sound realistic.

To me that sounded like some kind of complex where a person believes basically all/most other people to be attractive but consider themselves ugly.

I don't know to what extent it applies to the OP but it is something I'm aware of that when guys are complaining that they're too unattractive to get dates they're often ignoring that women may be in the same boat; either assuming that women, across the board, have it easy or just only going after certain women who (I'm avoiding getting into calling women hot or ugly) have lots of men to choose from.

That said, I wouldn't like it if anyone assumed that of me so I don't want to assume it of him. I know one or two people have suggested it.

There are viewpoints here at both extremes of people making out like it's impossible to find love if you aren't attractive, and also people making out that struggling to find dates because of how you look isn't a thing at all. I hope we can all at least agree the truth is somewhere in between.

It's certainly possible the OP has a complex where he is the only ugly person in the world and everyone else is attractive. Going off what the OP says about his own romantic past, he may assume that I'm one of those attractive people... I have been in a relationship before, I have had sex before, I have been on dates before... though the last time any of those things happened was 13, 7 and 2 years ago respectively. When I look at my friends who are more successful romantically than I am, are they better looking than me? To be honest a lot of them probably are, I move in artsy/creative circles and a lot of those people are quite attractive, strong features, a good sense of style... but also there are other reasons why so many of my friends male and female are considered to be such catches, a lot of them are very talented artists and musicians with intelligent conversation and sparkling personalities.

[Carnatic]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't agree. People who are serious minded and not just looking for arm candy or a hook up with rare exception likely will take my approach or similar.  When I dated photos were everywhere too for the most part -like I said I did written personal ads often with no photos and I was set up on many blind dates - but if you have the mindset that you cannot determine chemistry through a photo and if you are not a person who is intensely focused on a specific type of physical features then seeing tons of photos won't affect the decision to meet in person. 

Oh with this exception -what I wrote about the guy looking down at his naked chest -yes - because people post more photos of themselves on social media I would judge the person's values -like I have acquaintances who regularly post photos of themselves for the purpose of getting praise/accolades.  I don't respect that, I cannot stand that form of bragging.  I have acquaintances who post more revealing photos.  So yes more photos would mean me making assumptions based on what the person chose to portray of their lives, activities, bodies.  But not whether I was physically attracted to a photo.  

I wouldn't say that people always make thier decision based on photos, or that they think they are able to judge chemistry by looking at a photo, but having the mindset that you cannot judge chemistry through a photo and not judging chemistry through a photo are two different things.

When I mentioned Tinder before though it was just because it was the first thing that came to mind I wasn't suggesting that photos have replaced in-person meetings as the way to assess someone's attractiveness. I do though think they have become more influential than they were.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Similarly, I approached Mikhail Baryshnikov on a flight many years ago -he didn't want to be noticed it turned out so I kept my comments brief (I think it was right after he was on Sex and the City). 

😍 😍Lucky!!!!!

[mylolita]

3 hours ago, Carnatic said:

No I'm paraphrasing of course, but basically a lot of responses, not all but certainly a lot and not just on this thread make the argument that 'there's no such thing as attractive/unattractive, you're wrong to think your lack of success in dating has anything to do with how you look' and so on... which is just a more eloquent way of saying 'get over it'.

Carnartic,

 

I think everyone who is a realistic and lives in the real world can acknowledge looks and appearance mean a lot to most people and if you are attractive, it is a big advantage, even in interviews, or being judged as more healthy or more trustworthy. I don’t think anyone has really said looks don’t matter and the OP’s feelings are invalid.

 

We can’t see the OP so, how could we possibly judge this?

 

All we can do is try and take what we have been given, information wise, and try and offer suggestions. It’s not a mean thing. People are taking time out of their lives to try and genuinely help someone who is down and struggling. 
 

The only thing that may come across in the posts is the OP’s attitude. A good few women have suggested tweaking or changing this. People can say they are confident; a great catch, have everything together, are social and kind - but that is their perspective on themselves. People often don’t see us how we see ourselves. What we think we are projecting isn’t always what other people interpreted.

 

Some women have suggested things. We were single once y’know! 
 

Just because something doesn’t happen for someone “when it should” doesn’t mean something is automatically wrong or won’t happen. Many people have many things happen to them later in life -  becoming parents,  starting further education; defeating an anxiety or fear they had, getting married, starting up a business - basically, achieving a goal or dream isn’t just for young teens and twenty years olds. Sure; of course your 20s is a perfect and prime time to find your partner. But life isn’t text book - it just can’t be that way.
 

We all have our little quirks and talents as well. The OP may have a great career, be intelligent, funny, have a loving family and he obviously has good friends - some people don’t have those things and would probably trade places! What I am trying to say is, optimistically, my instinct is this isn’t all doom and gloom and hopeless for the OP.

 

If you don’t have any advice for the OP,  others have tried their best to give it. Mysterious might not agree with it, but that’s okay - not every piece of advice  is going to meet with an aha moment. We tried, the OP and yourself don’t agree - I don’t know what help that is to anything but, I speak for myself and probably others - we are not coming at this issue with mean spirits here. Just trying to be realistic, supportive and offer suggestions. Sorry they aren’t good enough or “right!” but, that’s how it goes. Take it or leave it, right!? 
 

x

 

 

[boltnrun]

Like I mentioned (umpteen times lol) my BIL met his wife in his 30s. And he is not what anyone would call handsome. I doubt many women would have "swiped right" on a photo of him. He met his wife on a chat platform where people talked about a shared interest (in their case, comic books and video games). They have been married for close to 20 years, very happily. Three beautiful sons. 

He didn't give up just because he never had a relationship in his teens.

[moodindigo91]

The moral of this thread is that there is no one specific explanation for why OP has not had any relationships yet and everyone has their own theory of attraction. It was probably a confluence of factors, and OP's looks probably has at least something to do with it but to what extent we cannot know. You just have to find what works for you, but it takes work, and the willingness to maybe step out of your comfort zone and try new approaches.

[Carnatic]

2 hours ago, mylolita said:

If you don’t have any advice for the OP,  others have tried their best to give it. Mysterious might not agree with it, but that’s okay - not every piece of advice  is going to meet with an aha moment. We tried, the OP and yourself don’t agree - I don’t know what help that is to anything but, I speak for myself and probably others - we are not coming at this issue with mean spirits here. Just trying to be realistic, supportive and offer suggestions. Sorry they aren’t good enough or “right!” but, that’s how it goes. Take it or leave it, right!?

I think people get a bit hung up on this site about needing to give advice if I'm honest though. I don't know if we really know all that much about the OP's attitude either since most of us, if you look through our posts probably would look like we're just really whiny and full of problems. Sometimes you just need to tell people what your problems are.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I wouldn't say that people always make thier decision based on photos, or that they think they are able to judge chemistry by looking at a photo, but having the mindset that you cannot judge chemistry through a photo and not judging chemistry through a photo are two different things.

When I mentioned Tinder before though it was just because it was the first thing that came to mind I wasn't suggesting that photos have replaced in-person meetings as the way to assess someone's attractiveness. I do though think they have become more influential than they were.

You're entitled to your opinion and do what works for you as far as using online sites.  I was on them on and off for about 5 years. Several of my friends met their spouses and long term partners through online sites. My husband and I overlapped at times as far as being on dating sites but we did not meet that way.  Because of a funny mistake in his profile (and because we didn't then live in the same city) we most likely would never have come up in each other's searches.  

[Carnatic]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

You're entitled to your opinion and do what works for you as far as using online sites.  I was on them on and off for about 5 years.

oh I don't use them.. I did, but not any more

[mylolita]

53 minutes ago, Carnatic said:

I think people get a bit hung up on this site about needing to give advice if I'm honest though. I don't know if we really know all that much about the OP's attitude either since most of us, if you look through our posts probably would look like we're just really whiny and full of problems. Sometimes you just need to tell people what your problems are.

Part of it I’m sure is venting anonymously, but people here are trying to give advice, that is the point. Most of us I am sure are definitely not trying to “win an argument” or convince anyone we’re right. 
 

We take what we can, as minimal and flawed as it is over the line, and using our experience and whatever else we feel is okay, we try to offer some advice we hope might be useful but obviously, most likely will not work. It won’t be the magic answer every time. I would be blown away if even one person has ever fully taken an anonymous strangers advice word for word. It’s almost like, hey strangers, here’s a brief summary - any advice? 
 

I mean, if you feel you can’t give any advice on this thread but want to stick up for the OP if you think he is being attacked that is also fine - whenever you give advice, you put your neck out to the chopping block in many respects. People sometimes aren’t going to like your opinion or agree with you. When you speak what you feel is the truth and your own personal opinion to the best of your ability, of course you are going to have it back fire at some point. I could be safe and say something I think might please many an OP, or tell them what they might want to hear. I try to be honest and constructive and say what I think. If I don’t have anything nice to say or I don’t know about the subject, I leave the thread to others who might know.

 

If you think myself and others have been too harsh or judgemental, I am sorry you have that impression, but I don’t think any of us here came out to attack someone who is having trouble in love - only suggest and give advice. This is an advice forum. I don’t care if anyone agrees with me, it’s not a popular opinion contest. I make my suggestions and hope it helps in some way, some of the time. 
 

I’m genuinely sorry Mysterious is having trouble. Being lonely is a horrible, often underrated emotion. We have sympathised, made suggestions, debated - given our opinions. I think all of us are being very optimistic in a genuine way! What more can you do? 
 

Or should I say, how would you have managed this better or, what do you think we should have said? 
 

x

[moodindigo91]

2 hours ago, Carnatic said:

I think people get a bit hung up on this site about needing to give advice

So much yes lol even on posts where people are not even really looking for advice and maybe just came to vent, people are like, so what advice are you asking for? 🤣 

[mylolita]

5 minutes ago, moodindigo91 said:

So much yes lol even on posts where people are not even really looking for advice and maybe just came to vent, people are like, so what advice are you asking for? 🤣 

If people wanna vent they can easily start an online journal here - why waste peoples time asking for advice on an advice forum and then saying well durrr why are you like spending all this energy giving advice! 
 

Don’t ask a question if you don’t want an answer! Bizarre! 

 

x