I was not ready for a relationship and I'm afraid I missed out on a lot of possible great girlfriends

[Pikachu]

Hi everyone,

been on this forum from the beginning of 2015. Had an on-off relationship with whom I considered to be the love of my life (F26) at that time. We had a relationship from 2015-2019. After the relationship ended, I (31M atm) was devastated. I went on a date with a few other girls, 3 or 4 I guess, but wasn't ready (at the time) for something new. I compared each of them to my ex-GF and it sucks to realize this now. Those girls were definitely girlfriend-material, but have a steady partner at the moment.

I'm afraid I won't have a new chance with someone good since most of the girls of my age or younger seem to be taken already. If I could go back 3 years in time, I would tell myself that I was stupid to compare them to my ex (who actually dumped me 3 times, love of my life yeah right). So long story short, I am definitely ready for something new right now, but it appears that all the good girls are already taken. The last few days I have this feeling of anxiety that I will end up alone. It's extra hard if I compare myself to my friends, who are already have children and getting married. I also want to move forward in life.

Sorry for the post of self-pity, I just need to vent my feelings :).

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

 all the good girls are already taken. The last few days I have this feeling of anxiety that I will end up alone. 

Well you will end up alone as long as you believe all the "good" ones are taken,so you're not going to even bother. 31 is prime time for you so your theory makes no sense.

It would be best to see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

You need to address the ruminating and defeatist attitudes before you can feel ready to date again. If you have issues with anxiety, depression or other treatable problems, it's best to start there.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Pikachu said:

it appears that all the good girls are already taken

Yeah, welcome to dating in 30s pal.

Its something that is fairly common. You are more economically independent but also have less time. Lots of friends are taken or also busy so even friends are not there so much. So as a result you dont go ot and meet people as you use to. So your dating pool gets smaller. Add that lots of girls you would meat would also be taken and your dating pool would be even smaller. 

You need to be comfortable with yourself. Its better to be alone then to be with somebody like your ex. Who would break up 3 times with you. You need to realize that or else you would settle for God knows who just not to be alone. Other then that, you need to work on your opportunities. Try to go out more, meet more new people. Maybe even enroll into some course. You need to believe some good one is out there and to create an opportunity to meet her.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Pikachu said:

So long story short, I am definitely ready for something new right now, but it appears that all the good girls are already taken. The last few days I have this feeling of anxiety that I will end up alone. It's extra hard if I compare myself to my friends, who are already have children and getting married. I also want to move forward in life.

I married at 42.  I married a man not a boy -date women not "good girls".  They were not all taken by a long shot.  I dated on and off for 24 years, stopped in 2005 at age 39.  I wasn't looking for a good boy or a "nice guy" -I was looking for the right match for me and part of that was becoming the right person to find the right person.  

Here is how I met potential good matches in my 30s -and I'll add in how some of my friends did. Many married in their 30s and 40s.

salsa dancing lessons, playing tennis, volunteering backstage at community theater, volunteering a homeless shelter, professional networking organizations, the gym, online dating sites (I did not date online ever -I met over a 100 men in person and exchanged a few messages and one phone call prior to meeting and not more -with rare exception), at work, through work, through set ups by:  former classmates, coworkers, neighbors, friends of friends (I set up lots of people too-it helps when you reciprocate).

At age 28 I moved 9 miles away to be right in a major city teeming with singles plus a 35 minute walk to work so I could maximize my search for a husband and hopefully eventual family.  It was expensive but well worth it.  

I did let some "good guys" go -one in particular in my early 20s - but I wasn't ready to be into someone like him.  I was more into the guy I was dating who was edgy, hot looking and as it turned out many years later after we'd broken up in tortured denial about his sexual orientation.  It happens - you're not in the right mindset, your goals are not aligned and even though you might have incredible chemistry years later (happened to me with my ex fiancee who I married 11 years after our cancelled wedding) - if it's not there at the time -it's just not.  Often it has to do with age, stage in life, personal growth.

Comparing yourself is a path I strongly advise not taking.  I have friends happily married since the 1980s when we were in our 20s, women who settled in their 30s and either got divorced or are unhappy, women who settled but act all smug married on Facebook cheerfully lying on social media when they're actually unhappy, women who married as my friend did in her 60s after being widowed and is incredibly happy to have reconnected with a high school sweetheart and married him, and my dear friend who was supposedly head over heels in her 20s, married and had multiple children, divorced many years later and tells me she was lying to herself and all of us and simply settled/wanted to be a married mom desperately. 

There are many long lasting happy marriages, even better than happy - but comparing yourself to those marriages -why? It's not  a race or competition.  

[Coily]

I'll add to the dating in your 30s absolutely sucks.

The big thing is to find ways to be content when you can, and look to expand your contacts to where you could meet women. Put yourself in positions and places to meet women, especially of the type you hold similar values with. Invest in yourself, in a way that you would want a girlfriend/wife to invest in you.

I'm not going throw horse pucky at you and say "just wait someone will come along;" it's luck and work (mostly luck). Nor am i going to say just be happy with yourself; that leads to complacency as well. It gets lonely and isolating being "that single guy" in your 30s; but that's the hand we get dealt sometimes. It becomes easy to wallow in self pity, don't let other people tell you that you are wrong to have a moment of apprehension about life's path; however, you do have an obligation to yourself to think about how to get out of that rut.  Fight for the future you want, don't give up after a few setbacks.

 

 

[boltnrun]

I had a great time dating in my 30s.

Now, people will say "of course, you're a female, HORDES of men were pursuing you because that's how it is for ALL women!" But that's not how it was.

I put myself out there by going to events and joining activities where men would be present. They certainly were not just randomly knocking on my door trying to date me lol. I had to be out and about so I could meet them.

I can name several women I personally know who are in their 30s, single, attractive and would like to date. So yes, they are out there. But you have to look for them, they're not going to fall into your lap like that scene in Animal House.

[waffle]

7 hours ago, Pikachu said:

I'm afraid I won't have a new chance with someone good since most of the girls of my age or younger seem to be taken already..

Statistically the exact opposite is true.  Of course, on the individual level experiences vary so the young ladies you specifically mentioned may now be out of the dating pool.  But generally speaking, in your 30s and beyond the trend is towards more less-desireable men on the market, and also more more-desireable women (who may be encouraged to settle by this point).

Google "eligible bachelor paradox."

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't compound the problem by living in your head. Use dating apps to set up a few quick coffee meets each week on your way home from work.

Most will NOT be great matches, but that's about natural odds that we all face.

If you spin out over every lousy match and drill yourself into pessimism, you'll deprive yourself of building resilience as a life skill.

Focus on your goal like a laser beam, and allow bad matches to fall off your radar without creating a bunch of needless noise in your own head.

Learn to enjoy, and the results will follow. Stay mired in defeat, and those results will follow.

Choose your outcome wisely.

[SooSad33]

9 hours ago, Pikachu said:

I'm afraid I won't have a new chance with someone good since most of the girls of my age or younger seem to be taken already. If I could go back 3 years in time, I would tell myself that I was stupid to compare them to my ex (who actually dumped me 3 times, love of my life yeah right). So long story short, I am definitely ready for something new right now, but it appears that all the good girls are already taken. The last few days I have this feeling of anxiety that I will end up alone. It's extra hard if I compare myself to my friends, who are already have children and getting married. I also want to move forward in life.

No, comparing them proved that you were NOT ready!  Good you went quiet on the dating end.  That's how it goes after a BU of a LTR. 

Alone is okay - does not mean you're lonely 😉 .  I've been all okay on my own for abt 4 yrs.. no regrets & not lonely. 

Never compare your life to anyone else's this way.  They are going on their own trail of life.. this is yours.  My brother didn't marry until almost 40 and he was single abt 10 yrs before that. 

Maybe a way to look at all of this is like a wave.. they come & they go.  There will be another wave I'm sure 😉 .  We're all  going through something.  People are getting married.. and divorced.. and dating again - over time.

Take your time... meanwhile, keep on living.